A quick biography. I'm Jack. I've done a lot of things in my life, and now I'm a chef. I wasn't always. I’m old enough to remember watching Neil Armstrong take his famous one small step, and have very clear memories of Nixon resigning. I'm raising two boys on my own and I wish it were otherwise... I miss her greatly, as do my sons... but you don't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.

And if you don't get that reference, you're younger than I am by a fair bit.

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An Interesting Piece of Trivia: It has been confirmed that my story, I Saw My Lady Weep, was the first fanfiction story ever published that featured Fred Weasley's headstone with the words "Mischief Managed" as an epitaph. While having those words on Fred's gravestone has now become so common its almost entered "fanon" territory, my story was the first to do it. Its a small, unimportant thing to be proud of, but I am proud of it.

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Favorite Fanfiction Pairings: I get asked this a lot. Or else people just make assumptions based on the stories I right or the comments I make. Let me tell you, folks, assumptions are dangerous things.

In Harry Potter, my favorite Harry pairing is Harry/Luna. (Which I know will come as a surprise to all the chuckleheads out there who send me hatemail because I'm supposedly an "Orange Crush"/OBHWF loser.) After that, I go for Harry/Padma and Harry/Pavarti, Harry/Tonks, Harry/Daphne Greengrass, Harry/Sue Bones, and of course, Harry/Ginny. I personally cannot abide Harry/Hermione, and think the lengths that the Harmonians go to are, in a word, ridiculous. I know the Ron/Hermione pairing isn't perfectly written, but given all canon evidence, Hermione's relationship with Harry would be even rockier and more contentious than her relationship with Ron.

In Battlestar Galactica, I'm a fan of Lee/Dee. I think Kara Thrace is radioactive, and in my stories (and yes, I know none of them are here in this archive), he knows it and stays away.

In Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I'm a Buffy/Xander shipper. Self-explanatory, really.

I don't write relationship stories in my Green Lantern fanfiction... but I do put Hal Jordan where he belongs (in the background, standing behind Kyle Rainer).

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On Being a Heretic: This is true: I find Sovran to be a writer of only medium talent, and Sovran's stories to be almost unreadable. JBern's stories make me roll my eyes and hit the back button. Nonjon likewise. Viridian has some talent, but would be better if he got off his ass and actually wrote instead of living off of the laurels accumulated by his previous accomplishments. I have absolutely nothing against these people; I just don't think they are the end-all-be-all of Harry Potter fan fiction like so many others do. In short, I've read better stories. Hell, I've written better stories.

Likewise, I do not find FictionAlley to be the best place to put your stories. The moderators there, with the single, solitary exception of SwissMiss, are a bunch of power-hungry, anal-retentive yahoos who are far more concerned with people's punctuations and whether their posts have at least 100 characters in them than if people are actually enjoying their website. They've taken the phrases "tin-pot dictator" and "small person, big ego" and combined them in one big mass of idiotic bullshit.

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About Opinions and the Right to Think as One Wants: As I see it, the biggest problem with the idea that everyone is entitled to hold their own opinion is that some people think that this makes all opinions equally valid. Nothing could be the furthest from the truth. Some opinions, I’m sorry to say, are nothing but big steaming piles of horse-shit, and they will always be big steaming piles of horse-shit. Some opinions are wrong, and your right to believe in an incorrect opinion doesn’t change the fact that the opinion you hold is utter horse-shit. I point to the Flat Earthers, the people who believe in Creationism, and Republicans as three prominent examples.

In addition to the fact that having a right to your own opinions not guaranteeing your opinion is right, having the right to hold your own opinion in no way protects you from being ridiculed for holding that opinion. “I can think what I want” is no shield against someone saying “Yeah, but what you think is horse-shit!” to you. This is because part of that “everyone has a right to their own opinion” thing is the right of other people to make fun of you because that opinion you are so strenuously holding onto is utter horse-shit.

You see, we have the right to hold our own opinions, too. And in our opinion, you are a fucking moron.

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Hodgeson’s Law: Just repeat to yourself, “It’s just a show. I should really relax.”

Bellisario’s Maxim: You shouldn’t analyze this stuff too closely.

These are two statements I try to live by when it comes to Harry Potter fan fiction. Basically, what they mean is that this stuff is supposed to be entertainment… a way to have fun for a little while. Harry Potter isn’t supposed to be some philosophical discussion about how to live a life. Nor is it meant to be a moral allegory, or a guide to spiritual whatever. It’s just a story. So when you find yourself taking it all a bit too seriously, repeat Hodgeson’s Law and Bellisario’s Maxim to yourself until you calm down and realize that they’re just stories.

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Things I Cannot Stand To See in Harry Potter Fan Fiction

In no particular order, these are the things that will make me stop reading a story. They drive me up the wall in irritation. Please note that these aren't the only things that will make me stop reading a story... these are just the ones I've written down. I reserve the right to expand this list as I choose, when I choose.

Oh, and if I've left an unfavorable review for one of your stories, I don't want to hear how you're not really bad because you haven't broken any of these rules. You can be a piss-poor writer and not break any of these rules...

1. H-PINO Stories. H-PINO stands for “Harry Potter in Name Only”. I’m all for a good AU story, but when the author has to begin their story with a full-page summary of all the differences between their version of the Harry Potter universe and the canon version, then they might as well be writing a completely original story with completely original characters.

2. WhineyLittleBitch!Harry. A little angst now and again is fine. Sorrow and despair, especially in the wake of a tragedy, is reasonable for your characters. But multiple chapters of pointless moping and whining make me want to vomit. And hit someone.

3. Author Interjections. Save the author’s notes for the beginning of the chapter, or even better the end of the chapter. Do not interrupt your narrative to make some unnecessary (A/N: This really sucks, doesn’t it? Throws you off because you were reading one thing and suddenly you’re reading another? It’s distracting, right?) comment because it sucks and it is a sign of a very bad writer. In general, readers are smart enough to get your references on their own; you don’t need to tell them every little thing, especially when you interrupt your stories to do it.

3a. Actually using the word “Flashback” to indicate a Flashback. Why not just insert the words "I'm a Fucking Horrible Writer" into your text and get it over with, because there are much better ways to indicate a flashback than actually saying “flashback”. Use those better ways.

4. Bad Translations. I appreciate that some fan fiction writers are not native English speakers. That isn’t really a problem. What is a problem is when a person who’s English isn’t that strong tries to translate their story into English themselves. I’m sorry, but all this does is turn what is likely your truly wonderful story into a hard to read mess. My advice: if you aren’t sure about your English, find a native-English speaker who is fluent enough in your language to translate it for you. And don’t forget to give your translator credit for helping you; it’s the least you can do after all.

5. Slash. Now, when I say “slash”, I mean those stories that place characters that are strictly heterosexual in canon into homosexual relationships. This has nothing to do with homosexuality and everything to do with turning characters into something they are not. When you write slash, you are performing an action commonly known as an “asspull” (as in, “you are pulling it out of your…”). And no, you yaboons, there isn’t any “subtext” there, and I am not missing it. You’re just making shit up.

5a. That counts double for Crack!Slash. By which I mean pairing Harry up with Draco Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy, or any other male character for whom Harry’s first emotional reaction is violence and hatred.

5b. Harry/Voldemort especially. Do I really need to explain this one?

6. Ridiculous Non-Slash Pairings. Draco Malfoy is an arrogant elitist racist bastard. The last people he's going to hook up with are the daughters of a family he thinks of as poverty-stricken blood traitors, or a Mudblood who hangs around with his arch-enemy, Harry Potter.

6a. Especially Draco/Ginny: They are not compatible. They are not romantic figures. They absolutely not the reincarnation of Romeo and Juliet.

7. Vendetta Fics. A vendetta fic is a story in which the writer decides to “punish” a character he or she doesn’t like by portraying the disliked character in the worse possible light imagineable. I’m sorry, but how fucking childish is this? Specifically:

7a. Idiot!Ron/Rapist!Ron/Thug!Ron. I hate it when Ron is portrayed as a bumbling idiot whose best features are his lack of table manners and his obsession with Quidditch. In canon, Ron’s a flawed individual, sure, but that doesn’t make him evil. In point of fact, there are no perfect, shining individuals in any of the Harry Potter books, so punishing Ron for not being perfect is just plain dumb.

7b. Ginny Weasley Depicted as Nothing More Than an Obsessed Fangirl. Oh please. Could you get more off-base than this? Yes, she starts out with a crush. That crush is pretty much over by Goblet of Fire, so let it go already.

7c. Harry/Ginny Being “Oedipal” and Thus “Gross”. The idea here being that supposedly, Lily Potter and Ginny Weasley look alike because they are both redheads. This is one of the most retarded things I’ve ever heard. That’s like saying actresses Frances Fisher and Alyson Hannigan look alike because they are both redheads. (Hint: they look nothing alike; Google search the names and see for yourself.)

7d. Harry's friends turn their back on Harry because... um... because... hold on... I'll think of some stupid reason in a moment. This is another cliche. Usually, its the two youngest Weasleys who turn on Harry because of some really retarded reason that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever and turns Ron and Ginny into complete OCs, because regardless of how much you dislike these two characters, even you haters would have to admit that their portrayal in these stories is out there like friggin' Pluto...

7e. Ginny only having three settings: bitch, whore, and bitchy whore. Can we get more childish than this?

7f. Molly Weasley only having two settings: shrieking harridan and violently shrieking harridan. She's not as bad as the Weasley haters portray her as. Really.

7g. Harry-sent-to-Azkaban stories where his closest friends turn their back on him for no real reason whatsoever. It's almost like Hufflepuffs are the only ones capable of loyalty.

7h. SlytherinsAreTheKoolz!Fics, where casual cruelty and manipulation is a good thing, and everyone but the Slytherin are idiots, especially the Gryffindors, who aren't smart enough to even say "What just happened" when they're outsmarted. I mean, really... I know you suffered through high school and are now taking your outcast status out on the cool kids of the Harry Potter universe, but this sort of nonsense is just stupid...

7i. Harry's interest in Ginny first appears about the same time as love potions, ergo, Ginny used a love potion to ensnare Harry away from . And usually, the "other female" is Hermione, who's probably being dosed with love potions by Ron. Guys, this has to be the most addle-brained, paranoid, delusional bullshit I've read, and in that I am comparing it to most Conservative political screeds I've read. There's no canon evidence of it. None whatsoever. And no, you idiotic moron, I'm not missing the "subtext". Rowling is amazingly anvilicious with her subtext; she's not subtle at all. If this is what was really going on, she'd have been explicit about it. So get over yourself and stop acting like a loon.

7i(1). ... with Molly Weasley's assistance, of course. More bullshit on a galactic scale.

8. Anachronisms. An anachronism is a mistake in the history of the story, and they are very distracting. For example, if you want to write a story in which Harry is still at Hogwarts, unless he’s become a teacher, your story is going to take place some time between the summer of 1991 and the summer of 1998. Keep this in mind every time you include something from the Muggle world. For example, I read a story in which Harry and Ginny danced to a Rascal Flatts song at Bill and Fleur’s wedding. The problem is, the song they danced to came out in 2007, fully ten years after Bill and Fleur got married. And learn what sort of technology is available in the 1970s. Lily Evans would not own an iPod. She died before they were invented, remember?

8a. Getting people's ages wrong, especially when it comes to Generation 3. Teddy Lupin could not be at Hogwarts at the same time as James S. Potter. Teddy is seven years older than James Sirius (in the Epilogue, TL is 19 and has been out of school for two years; JS is 12 and is just starting his second year). Scorpius Malfoy is in Albus Potter's year... which means he'd be a third year when Lily Potter got there; he wouldn't be in the same classes as she is in. Likewise, neither of the Scamander boys (Luna's children) would be in the same year as Lily Potter, as Rowling has stated that Luna didn't marry and have kids until the Potters already had their three...)

9. Moronic Inter-Personal Conflict. Too many so-called romantic stories supposedly build “tension” by introducing a misunderstanding that could easily be cleared up if the two people involved would just open their mouths and talk to one another. But no… the plot requires that these two otherwise intelligent people act like complete idiots by deciding they should “suffer in silence”. I blame this type of story on twenty years of boring, formulaic so-called “romantic comedy” films. They all have the same story: boy and girl meet-cute, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl break up because of something stupid, boy and girl finally get back together just as the film ends after clearing up the problem and realizing they should be together. I hate that. I hate it in films, and I hate it in fan fiction.

10. Fred and George Reduced To Being Nothing But Comic Relief. Yes, Fred and George are troublemakers and inveterate pranksters. They are also brave and courageous young men, one of whom in canon gave his life for the cause. As characters, they are more than just clowns put into place to make Harry laugh. If all you have them do is be personality-less pranking machines, you’re wasting them.

10a. Twinspeak. While we’re on the subject of the Weasley Twins, I hate hate hate hate hate it when a writer has them speak in broken sentences, where one twin says the first three words of a sentence and the other twin finishes. Not only is that fucking irritating to read, its not even accurate. Go back and re-read the books and you’ll see that the twins don’t talk like that! What they do is follow each other’s sentences with the next applicable sentence. Got that? They speak in complete sentences!

10b. Gred and Forge. Still on the subject of the Weasley Twins, they call themselves Gred and Forge exactly once in seven books. It’s not a running joke; it’s a singular occurrence. So cut it out.

11. Mary Sue Stories. I just can’t take these stories seriously.

12. Americans at Hogwarts. American Characters in General, in Fact. I read a fantastic story once in which Harry and Ron have both become Aurors, and they are sent to the United States to pick up a Death Eater the American version of Aurors had arrested and were holding for extradition. Those American characters were fine, as they made sense. But an American coming to Hogwarts makes no sense at all, in my opinion.

13. Sexy!Snape and Debonair!Draco. In Severus Snape and Draco Malfoy, Rowling put together a couple of really compelling antagonists. They seem like real people. Unfortuantely, its gone past some Harry Potter fans that these two characters are really unpleasant individuals. They are nasty. They are bulles. They are antagonistic and mean. Malfoy is self-centered and arrogant, and Snape is arguably a sociopath in the clinical sense. For some reason, though, there exist dozens upon dozens of stories in which Snape and Draco are dark, brooding sex-objects who attract women to them like flies because of their smoldering sensuality. Are you fucking kidding me, here? You know, I blame the films for this shit. I’ve met Alan Rickman; he’s a truly nice guy, an amazing actor, and is incredibly charismatic. He’s also smart, funny, and tell’s great stories. The man simply cannot help but project that charisma into Snape, who is supposed to be as uncharismatic as they come. I’ve not met Tom Felton, but a couple of friends who have tell me that he, too, is funny, charismatic, and down-to-earth. So I honestly think that these writers have formed their Sexy!Snape and Debonair!Draco opinions based on the actors, not the books.

14. Super!Harry. You’ve seen these stories. Harry the master of wandless magic. Harry the master of elemental magic. Harry the recipient of direct training by the four founders, turning him into the most powerful wizard since Merlin. Harry as the reincarnation of Merlin! You get the idea. This is silly. If you want to make Harry as powerful as Voldemort, cool… I think that’s a fine idea, what with the prophecy implying that Harry is Voldemort’s “equal”. But don’t go nuts, okay?

14a. CraneTechnique!Harry. Almost as bad as SuperPowered!Harry stories are stories in which Harry is secretly taught a single new spell… that one spell in all the world, usually some form of “Old Magic”, that no one has ever heard about and that “none can defense”, as Mister Miyagi put it. (I hate to break it to you, guys, but I’ve been a karate student since I was 15… my seven year old could have blocked that crane kick…)

14b. Animagus!Harry. Too many stories feature this idiocy, and all of them ignore the fact that becoming an animagus is supposed to be really super-rare and super-difficult. It is, in fact, hinted that not everyone can accomplish it. The idiocy really cranks up when Harry has more than one animal form. But even worse than having more than one form is…

14c. Phoenix!Animagus!Harry. This is just stupid.

15. Super!Hermione. Almost as common as Super!Harry stories are Super!Hermione stories. Usually in these stories, Hermione is a super-intelligent, all knowing beautiful Princess who is always right, always knows the answer to every problem, get’s any guy she wants with little to no effort, and is always the one who gets the boys out of trouble. Most especially:

15a. Grangerverse Stories. Speaking of arrogant, delusional cretins who somehow think they have some sort of say in how the Harry Potter stories should have gone, let me give special mention to those Grangerverse morons. According to these acephalic creins, Hermione Granger and not Harry Potter is the central figure in canon, despite the fact that Harry’s name is all over the covers of the books. Harry, it seems, is merely a “frontkick” (defined as “a character who appears to be the protagonist but is actually the sidekick”) of Hermione Granger. These deluded individuals claim that since the Harry Potter books “occupy a larger space than the author intended”, Rowling really has no say in how the stories go. In addition, because Rowling “refuses to recognize the truth about Hermione”, she (Rowling, that is) is “delusional and crazy”. In my opinion, the Grangerverse people need to seek immediate psychiatric assistance, because it is they, and not Rowling, who are nuts.

15b. Makeover!Hermione: Hermione Granger is fine the way she is. If anything, she needs to be less bitchy and superficial, not more.

16. Ass-Hat!Slytherin!Harry. I really enjoy well-written “Harry Gets Sorted to Slytherin House” stories. It’s an interesting “what might have been”. But when Slytherin!Harry turns into just as big a Pureblood supremacist asshole as Draco Malfoy, simply because he’s sorted into Slytherin, it makes my teeth ache and I get the urge to punch the writer in the nose.

17. Casanova!Harry. Harry Potter is not some romantic, sensitive guy who effortlessly woos women, getting them to fall in love with him in mere hours. The truth is, he’s pretty much fucking clueless when it comes to girls and isn’t mushy or romantic at all. He has a bad temper and he’s moody. He’s not intuitive or sensitive, and his relationship with any girl (even Ginny, the woman he ends up with) is likely to be a bumpy ride at first.

18. CobraCommander!Voldemort. Lord Voldemort is supposed to be the absolutely darkest, dangerous, and most evil wizard every to have lived in the Harry Potter universe. Making him a moustache-twirling incompetent is just wrong.

19. Harry Potter, Expert on the Wizarding World. I can’t stand this one. He leaves the Dursleys and immediately knows just what to do to make him fat, rich, and happy amongst the wizards, despite only having learned that he was a wizard himself about a femtosecond ago.

20. Tortured Briticisms. I understand why American writers include British slang in their stories; it gives the stories verisimilitude. That is, it makes them seem more real, given that the characters and locations in Harry Potter are British. But there’s a time and place for slang. Yes, “snogging” is a slang term used in Britain for kissing, as “shagging” is for having sex. But know when to use these terms and when not to. Snogging is what two teenagers do when their hormones overheat while they’re sitting on a couch in the common room. Kissing is what two lovers do while on a bed, gazing deeply into the eyes of their one true love, seeking the connection with their beloved’s soul, the passion seeping from their very pores as the admiration they feel for each other emanates from them like ripples on a pond in the morning. Get my point? Sometimes, the actual word needs to be used.

20a. Blatant Americanisms. Of course, American writers who don’t even make the effort to sound a little bit British tick me off too. And I’m not just talking about writers who use “Mom” in place of the British “Mum”. I’m talking about continually using American references in place of their British counterparts (like calling them elevators instead of lifts, or calling the ground floor the first floor, and so on).

21. CruelMachiavellian!Dumbledore. Sorry, but no. While it is true that the man was manipulative in canon, and while it is also true that the man was too smart for his own good as he sat at the center of his own personal spider-web, Dumbledore wasn’t harsh, wasn’t uncaring, and was absolutely not some criminal mastermind. Cut it out, already. I especially despite stories in which Dumbledore is just as evil as Voldemort, but is more subtle about it.

22. Un-Scotlandy Scotland. Before you start describing what it’s like to live in Scotland, please learn what the country is like. We’re talking about a rainy, chilly, foggy, windy, hilly (and sometimes mountainous) country. Make no mistake, it is a beautiful land, and I’m very glad to have had the honor of living there for six years, but Scotland is not the coast of the Carolinas, and does not share that climate.

23. Ginny Behind Glass Stories. These are the stories where Ginny’s brothers (especially Ron and Percy, but almost never the Twins) threaten to murder Harry if he actually comes within sniffing distance of Ginny, despite the fact that Ginny makes it perfectly clear that she wants to be with Harry and isn’t going to put up with their shit.

24. Songfics. Look, I’m glad you were inspired by the song to write your story. I do the same thing; I once wrote three whole chapters based solely on the emotions I felt when I listened to Jeff Buckley’s cover of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah", Elton John’s "Someone Saved My Life Tonight", and Chicago’s "Hard To Say I’m Sorry" back-to-back. But I didn’t feel the need to inject the actual lyrics of those tunes into the chapters in question, because doing that is stupid.

25. Luna, the Font of All Wisdom. I can’t stand stories in which Luna Lovegood is portrayed as some sort of mystic-earth mother figure who is in tune with some extra-whatsis source of worldly wisdom rather than simply being eccentric. Just because she’s smart and a little loopy does not turn her into the Oracle of Delphi. Similarly:

25a. Luna Never Talking About Anything Other Than Nargles and Snorkacks. This is a waste of the character.

26. Hufflepuffs As Incompetent Boobs. I cannot stand stories in which all Hufflepuffs are portrayed as nothing but a load of uncreative nabobs incapable of actually achieving. If Cedric Diggory being chosen as Hogwarts Champion during the Triwizard Tournament isn’t a big enough clue that this idea is complete bullshit, how about the fact that Ernie MacMillan, proud Hufflepuff that he is, was the first Hogwarts student to demand the chance to throw-down against Voldemort and his Death Eaters in the last book?

27. Draco Malfoy, Prince of Slytherin. Sure, Draco Malfoy usually has a small handful of hangers-on around him at any given time, but Slytherin House is larger than just Malfoy and his followers. There is no evidence in canon that Malfoy “rules” his House in any way, shape, or form. This is especially true when he’s an ickle-firstie! The sixth and seventh year Slytherins already in place when Malfoy gets there would control the House a lot more effectively than a loudmouth prig like Malfoy. And given that his dad was in the crapper with Voldemort during his seventh year, I doubt even the “seniors rule the school” effect would have made him “prince of Slytherin”, assuming Draco made it that far.

28. Harmonian Stories Described By the Writer as Fixing Things. The arrogant implication in this is that canon is somehow “broken” because Harry ended up with Ginny, and that the writer of the Harry/Hermione story is “fixing” things or “correcting” things by writing their story. Look, if you want to write a Harry/Hermione story, go for it. But don’t pretend that the Harry/Hermione ship is the correct relationship, because it isn’t. The books are over. Rowling sank your ship before it ever left the dock. Get the fuck over it already. On related notes:

28a. Harry and Hermione Cheating on Ron and Ginny With Each Other. Marital infidelity, to me, is one of the worst kinds of unforgivable betrayal possible between one person and another. The fact that writers of such stories general portray Harry and Hermione’s affair as a good thing just sickens me.

29. Magical Oaths Made on One’s “Life and Magic” Having the Same Effect as an Unbreakable Vow. Where the hell did these things come from, anyway? The canonical Unbreakable Vow is a special ceremony; its this big important thing because it will kill you if you break it. If all it took was waving one’s wand and saying “I swear…” there’d be no need of such a ceremony… not to mention no need for Veratiserum.

30. Draco Malfoy “Seeing the Light” and Becoming a Nice Guy. No, sorry… even if Draco did realize he was on the wrong side and jump ship, he’d still not be a nice guy. He’d be arrogant, nasty, bigoted, and mean, even if he was fighting against Voldemort.

31. M-Preg Stories. Not only because the basic idea is stupid, but because the basic idea is really, really stupid.

32. Romantic Eleven Year Olds. Because we all know how many eleven year olds engage in torrid, Harlequin Romance-style romances.

33. Sex Scenes That Are Obviously Written By Thirteen Year Old Virgins. Look, this is going to sound harsh, but if you’ve never done it (and by God, if you’re only thirteen you’d better not have done it yet), don’t write about it, because you don’t get it right. Trust me.

34. Harry, Not Harold or Harrison. His name is just “Harry”. Similarly, the names are Lily, Percy, and Draco, not Lillian, Percival, and Draconis.

35. Hermione’s Parents Being Named “Dan” and “Emma”. In the words of a much wiser man than I, naming Hermione’s parents after actors Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson is hair-pullingly awful, so cut it out.

36. Itemized Shopping Lists. I don’t need to know every little thing Harry buys on his trip to Diagon Alley. And by the way:

36a. Magical Luggage. You know what, that trunk that Barty Crouch, Jr. stuffed Mad-Eye Moody into was pretty cool, but there’s no reason for Harry to have one. And the stupidity only increases when the trunk doubles as an studio apartment.

37. Excessively Detailed Physical Descriptions. I once read a story where the writer took three long paragraphs to describe how an OC looked. We got details on her body type, her hair color, her eye color, what sort of makeup she was wearing, how she had her hair done, what she was wearing, her facial expression, and even the scent of her perfume and how she held her wand. And all it did was make me want to hit the back-button as quickly as possible.

38. Casual Female-On-Male Violence. You’ve seen it before. Harry makes a joke that irritates Ginny. In response Ginny punches Harry in the shoulder hard enough to make him wince. Everyone around them laughs. Ron says something insensitive. Hermione hits him in the head with the book she’s reading hard enough for him to get a lump. Everyone around them laughs. Why are the other characters laughing? Why are such situations considered humorous? Would the writer think Harry hauling back and punching Ginny in the shoulder hard enough for her to bruise because he was irritated by something she said funny? Would it still be considered “comedy” if Ron slammed a heavy book onto Hermione’s skull because she said something he considered rude? Double standards suck ass, folks, especially when they are used to turn domestic violence into comedy. Do not let them into the door.

39. Bizarre Names For Female Characters. Now, I know you’re thinking, “But Jack, you’re talking about a book series where female characters are named Ginevra, Hermione, Narcissa, Bellatrix, and Andromeda!” Yes, most of the female characters in the books are named basic, normal names. The Black family is a special case in which all the children are named after constellations, so unless your character is a Black, there’s no call to name her “Summerwind” or “Rayven” or somesuch bullshit (and since “Summerwind” and “Rayven” aren’t constellations, don’t name your female Blacks that either). The most common female baby names of 1980 (the year Harry and most of his classmates were born) in Great Britain were (in order) Susan, Emily, Jessica, Hannah, Daphne, Chloe, Mary, Ruth, and Cheryl.

40. Harry’s Quidditch-Toned Muscles. Could someone please explain to me how sitting around on a broom while looking around until he sees a small glimmer of gold, then riding the broom as fast as he fucking can to catch a little winged gold ball small enough to fit into the palm of his hands would make him ripped and muscular? Willing a broom to go where you want it to has nothing to do with bench-pressing weights or running laps. You basically sit there and let the broom make all the effort.

41. House Elves Who Speak Like They Were Retarded. Go back and re-read Dobby’s dialog from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets guys. In fact, see the movie, since Dobby’s dialog (while not whole) was accurately presented. Dobby speaks in whole sentences. Sure, he refers to everyone by proper noun instead of using pronouns, but he doesn’t mispronounce any word but “Weasley” and he doesn’t speak like he was five years old. Neither, for that matter, do Kreacher or Winky.

42. Naming the Sorting Hat… Especially If You Name It “Floppy”. I don’t care how cute you think it is. It’s not cute, its fucking stupid.

43. JoePantoliano!Peter. Too many writers forget that, once upon a time, Peter Pettigrew was a good friend to James, Lily, Sirius, and Remus. If he hadn’t been as trusted as he was, his betrayal wouldn’t have been so painful. He’s not going to be so obviously untrustworthy as to remove all doubt of his loyalty to the Potters.

44. Harry Getting Vernon Dursley Fired. The first sentence of the second paragraph of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone mentions that Vernon is the Director of Grunnings. In the UK, the Director is a corporation’s chief executive. This means Vernon Dursley is the boss at Grunnings; there is no one higher on the totem pole than he is, and it would take more than his being shown to be an ass to get him fired.

45. Harry and His Pet Snake. I have no idea why the authors of some stories like to pair him up with Wanda the Friendly Cobra, nor do I care. It’s stupid and it should stop.

46. Friendly Goblins. Oh come on! As Rowling described them, the goblins are a bunch of arrogant, mean-spirited, hard-case putzes. Arrogant, mean-spirited, hard-case putzes aren’t won over by remembering their name and wishing them well.

47. The Dursleys acting more evil than Heinrich Himmler. You've seen these stories, right? In them, the Dursleys torture Harry. They abuse him sexually. They conspire to get his money and kill him and his friends. They strangle Hedwig, set fire to his school things, and stab Harry multiple times before dumping him back in the cupboard. I'm surprised writers of this sort of story don't have Vernon grow a Snidely Whiplash moustache, just so he can twist it.

48. Girl!Blaise stories written after 16 July 2005. Before HBP was published, you might possibly be excused for writing one of these pieces of shit by claiming ignorance of the fact that Blaise is a boy's name, has always been a boy's name, and will pretty much always be a boy's name. But after? Well, now you're just being pig-headed... And don't you dare tell me "Oh, well, it can be used as a girl's name!" Only by people who have no fucking clue what they are doing to their daughter when they give her a boy's name. And even if people do give a girl the name Blaise, that doesn't change the fact that its still a boy's name. I can name my daughter "Edgar" if I want... doesn't mean that she's not toting around a dude's name!

49. Describing a fancy meal and getting it wrong. I know this is a bit specific to me, but what can I say... I'm a chef by profession, I take pride in it, and I know that the writers who aren't chefs are doing their best, but I'm sure there have been times with you guys out there when a writer has someone do something involving our chosen career and gets it wrong. You sort of cringe, right? Stories where the characters go to a fancy black tie dinner and the writer either describes the food wrong (for the record, Jerusalem artichokes are not "just another kind of artichoke"... they're the roots of the sunflower plant and thus closer to potatoes or jicama than artichokes, which are flowers), or select a menu that is either badly combined (duck followed by mussels? not if you don't want your dinner guests to get nauseus over the conflicting lingering aftertastes) or are simply in the wrong order (the aperitif comes after the appetizer course, not after the main course...) bug me, because its clear in these cases that the writer just googled "fancy food" or something and tossed together what looked really, really classy regardless of whether or not the food in question worked together. I know its a nitpick, but it bugs me... So to combat this, I hereby offer myself as a food consultant, should anyone wish to write this sort of scene in their upcoming stories.

50. Stories with summaries that talk about OCs as if they were part of the canon crew. I refuse to read stories that have summaries like "Harry, Luna, and Cynthia have to jump through hoops and achieve an unlikely outcome to stop Voldemort". My first reaction is to think "Who the fark is Cynthia?" My second reaction is to think, "Probably a MarySue. Pass."

51. Future wrap-up chapters. You know, the ones where in a handful of paragraphs the writer describes the next hundred years after the story ends? I hate those. I don't know what it is that gets under my skin, but I hate them.

52. Time travel re-do fics where there are no (or virtually no) unpleasant consequences to changing the timeline. Its a long-held principle of time travel stories that the further you go from the point of change, the less like the original timeline the new one looks. Make too many changes, and you lose you eventually lose the ability to predict what happens. And (and this is vastly important), bad things happen all the time, so why shouldn't they happen in the new timeline also?

53. Pairing anyone with anyone "just because". I don't mind stories where Harry (for example) ends up with Hermione or Tonks or Luna or heck, even Pansy Parkinson if the basis for the relationship is laid in a reasonable, intelligent manner that doesn't involve Ginny suddenly becoming the reincarnation of Elizabeth Bathory or Lucretia Borzia or something. I can even dig stories where Ginny just isn't that into Harry. But I want something more than some one-liner reason for Harry to be with another person. And this applies to every ship out there. I hate it when authors throw characters together just because without explaining why those characters would make a good couple.

54. Everything cool was created by wizards, and everyone important in history was secretly a wizard. Albert Einstein? He was a wizard. Benjamin Franklin? Wizard. The Beatles? Wizards. And they were wizards because obviously Muggles suck ass and can't get anything done themselves.

55. Continual misspellings of words taken from canon. I'm not talking the occasional homonym-substitution that gets missed by the spell-checker and the beta, or the occasional typo that still manages to slip through despite the spell-checker and the beta. I'm talking about spelling it "Voldermort" instead of "Voldemort" every time you use the name. Or spelling it Arvada Kedavra. Or "Expelliramus" every time you mean "Expelliarmus". That sort of thing is easy to prevent, so prevent it.

56. Everybody needs a "Marauder Name!" No, everyone bloody well doesn't need a Marauder name. Doing so is dumb and takes away the special nature of the Marauders. And if you have Harry called "Prongslet" in your story, you deserve a good caning.

XxxxxxX

Fun With Idiots #1

I received the following private message from someone calling themselves "LadyLilyMalfoy", User ID: 904034. She's apparently not only one of the "Sober Universe" yahoos who object to what Rowling put into the Epilogue, her name tends to make me believe she's one of the SnapeLovers too. Either way, she apparently got offended because I was telling people what to think or something. Not that I'm telling people what to think... I'm just telling people that they are fucking morons for thinking certain things. Anyway, here's what this gem of intellectual brilliance sent me:

Message begins:

You are so bloody critical!! Do you actually have something nice to say about anything?

You are just like the worst kind of flamer; you think because you're 'well read' and write things yourself, you have the right to critisize other people's things and beliefs!!

Ugh! People like you piss me off so much! No wonder your wife or whatever left you!

Ever heard of the phrase if you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all? I know this is hypocritical, but at least I'm not having ago at everyone on my profile!

The whole POINT of fanfiction is to write about what you WISHED happen, not necessarily what did happen. People are allowed to be dissapointed just becuase you're a boring old idiot who has no imagniation, doesn't mean the rest of us should.

Maybe you should take notice of what other people are saying to you, or do you think you're completely right just because you're an 'adult' and we're kids? People like you nauseate me!!

Lily M

Message ends.

I have the right to criticize other people's things and beliefs because I have a right to criticize other people's things and beliefs. Just as other people, including the hypocritical moron who calls herself "LadyLilyMalfoy", have the right to criticize my things and beliefs. That's the great thing about Freedom of Expression: it cuts both ways.

As I say elsewhere in this screed, your right to hold a silly-ass opinion in no way prevents the opinion from being silly. Nor does it protect you from having someone else come up and point out how silly-assed your opinion is.

So... to everyone who thinks... or rather doesn't think... just like this LLM person, kiss my wide white ass.

And for the record, my wife didn't leave me. She died of cancer after a prolonged and extremely painful illness. But hey, thanks for taking an interest, you insensitive bitch.

XxxxxxX

Fun With Idiots #2

I received the following message from self-admitted Grangerverse fan and soon-to-be psychiatric patient "pstibbons", User ID: 919491 (this is the message in its entirety, without editing):

Message begins.

You gorram foolish piece of shit.

Message ends.

Now, when I received this gem of intellectual brilliance, I really couldn't fathom from where it came. And then I read this person's profile; at one point, this person says "I didn't bother reading Deathly Hallows - fanfiction is so diverse and interesting and well written nowadays that my taste of canon is completely gone. Now that DH has come and gone, us fanfic writers can get on with the important stuff."

Go find her profile, read it, then come back here. I'll wait.

Back? Good. See what I mean? That profile is basically the crazy-spiral scrawlings of a demented person who is using their own feces to paint on their attic walls. She... and it always seems to be a she... has, in her own mind, decided that a) Rowling had no right to tell the story like she has done, that b) it should have been all about Hermione anyway, and c) that the rest of us (that is, those of us who aren't clinical psychotics and schizophrenics) are all "gorram foolish pieces of shit", because we think she's a bit round the twist about things.

The fact that she uses an artificial profanity from a now-defunct science fiction TV show (Firefly, for those who don't recognize the reference), is just a little bit of extra icing for someone like me. I figure, if you can't make yourself type "God damned", and prefer to use a word that Joss Whedon (a fine man and a truly funny individual, if not a bit full of himself) invented then you've got bigger problems than your raging Hermione obsession.

So in the end, my response to pstibbons is "Grow up already, you idiot child." Its clear which one of us really is the fool, and which one of us really is the piece of shit. (And here's a hint: it's not me in either case.)

XxxxxxX

Fun With Idiots #3

Someone calling themselves alienyouthct, User ID: 237207, sent me a series of rather bizzare, rambling, and to tell you the truth badly spelled and grammatically incorrect screeds, all because I left a favorable review to one of her stories. Apparently, this young lady... I presume its a young lady anyway... saw my review, checked out my profile, and thinks that because I think slash is stupid, I'm a homophobe or a gay-basher or something.

Though of course, if she had the brains god gave a wood louse, she'd see that my statement against slash had nothing to do with homosexuality and everything to do with taking two characters and turning them into things that they are not. I'd have the same complaint if you took gay characters and made them straight, folks.

So apparently this brainless idjit with a chip on her shoulder has a problem with me... despite, as I said, the fact that I quite enjoyed one of her stories and left a review saying so. You just can't please some people, especially when their IQ dips into the low 50s.

XxxxxxX

Fun With Idiots #4

Check this out: I left a review for a story called "A new life" by someone who calls himself "Fiction Trouble" User ID: 1324441, in which I point out that in Chapter One, Harry is barely missed by a car, while in Chapter Two he's suddenly in the hospital being treated for injuries he got after being hit by the car. Also, Hedwig is killed in Chapter One, but amazingly alive in Chapter Two. My review pointed out these inconsistencies, as well as some of the grammar and spelling problems. In short, it was a review, not a blowjob like this writer wanted...

And I got the following in return:

Message Begins.

Guess what YOU ARE? Come on take a guess and the first two are wrong?
Probably more like all your guesses since I'm sure you know what you are but
I'm not going there.

You are banned from my stories. I'm tired of little punks like you reading
one or two chapters and deciding it's bad. Hello haven't you read anything?
YOU SUCK not my stories.

Message Ends.

Apparently I'm not the only person to have told this person that the story wasn't that good.

Look, if you write a shitty story, I'm going to call it a shitty story. It's not my fault you've got a vastly overblown sense of your own talents. Go learn how to write and you won't have people like me telling you the truth (namely that you can't).

And stop being a fucking whiner-baby. What are you, five?

Update: This Fiction Trouble dude, who didn't want reviews, but rather wanted his ass kissed and his tummy rubbed, recently sent out a note to everyone who reviewed his piece of crap story. He now acknowledges every problem I listed in my original review, and says he's going to fix the story, and asks that his "faithful readers" stick with him while he does the rewrite.

Just out of curiosity, I looked at the reviews for a hint at what might have caused this change of heart, and instantly noticed that the grand majority of reviews for this piece of shit went along the lines of "this might be an interesting story if you ran it through a spell-checker, learned basic grammar, and got a beta-reader to catch the dumbshit continuity errors!" So apparently this pea-brain bought a mitt and caught a clue...

Wonder if he still thinks I'm a flamer...

XxxxxxX

Fun With Idiots #5

I received a review recently from "SomeGuyFawkes", ID 1279341, in which he tells me he only read one of my shorter pieces to see if I had talent enough to make reading one of my longer stories worth it. When I told him that the shorter piece in question was actually a chapter from one of my longer stories, and perhaps he should read the entire story before casually dismissing me as a writer, he got... shirty. The phrase "meager skills" was used, along with more direct insults because I dared to presume to question his "judgment".

So I went to this person's profile page, and found out that they had written exactly two stories. Two short, unremarkable, single-chapter stories that, among other things, weren't as original or nearly as well-done as this person's arrogance and condescension to other writers justified. So in my next reply, I laughed in his face, pointed out how many other stories his "original creations" resembled... and without reply he "banned" me from his stories.

He wants to dish it out, but oh does it burn when he has to take it.

Fawkes, my suggestion is for you to grow the fuck up already, and keep practicing your writing. Perhaps someday you'll actually be talented enough to make the reviews you were making. Until then, all you are is an arrogant snot who thinks his own feces have no odor.

XxxxxxX

Fun With Idiots #6

I reviewed a story by "zeropolis79", ID 1216941. I was honest about the review, in which I said that the story was cliche-ridden, the Ron-bashing stupid and ham-handed, and the portrayal of Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, and a host of others so wildly OOC that they might as well have been new characters. In response, I was told that I need to "get my facts straight", an odd statement, seeing as we're dealing in opinions, and that "Lots of people like it so I won't be stopping but if you think it's so bad, report me to the people in charge of the site."

This person doesn't want reviews. They want butt-kissery, obviously. No contrary word to her (its usually a her...) attitude that she's the greatest English-language wordsmith since James Joyce. Also, she (always a she...) is dumb enough to think that an ad populem response actually works. "Lots of people like it, so it must be good". Yeah... lot's of people like to smoke three packs of cigarettes a day and drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every night, too. Somehow I don't think its all that beneficial for them, you moron...

Your story stinks! Its not my fault you are a bad writer!

Zeropolis also responded with "First of all, I'm of the crowd that say people are entitled to their own opinions." Apparently, though, she only believes that if the opinions agree with her. What she needs to do is read my rants regarding the right to hold an opinion and what that means regarding being in the right, or being immune to criticism (hint for the moron: it does NEITHER). She claims she's not really "bashing" the Weasleys, despite turning Ron into a thug and Ginny turning traitor to Harry. Naw... nothing like that could be bashing them. What a dumbass. The problem is, she's a really, really piss-poor writer. Its not her fault that she uses run-on sentences, bad grammar, wildly unbelievable characterization, and worst of all, relies on deus ex machina to solve plot problems and generate "tension", of which there just isn't any, of course.

What is most entertaining is that she demanded "objective reviews" that don't "condemn a story based on the first chapter". I got news: I read the entire damned story before I reviewed it. And the fact that you don't find my review "objective" is telling. Lastly, she used the magic phrase "don't like it, don't read it", which everyone knows is code for "I don't want actual reviews... I want people to line up and kiss my butt".

The problem here is that zeropolis doesn't get my point: she's a shitty, unskilled writer whose stories stink from the head like yesterday's cod because she lacks the basic skills of a writer. It's not my fault that she's a shitty writer; I'm just the messenger.

XxxxxxX

Fun With Idiots #7

A writer who calls -herself "Jessica123", ID 1827143, has written a story that's cliche-ridden, rushed, badly constructed, and reads as if it were a 14 year old girl's sex fantasy. In my review of this story, I pointed out that the entire "Ron goes ballistic when Harry shows interest in Ginny" thing is one of the worst pieces of cliched bullshit in fan fiction. In addition, the "sex" in the story is obviously written by someone whose closest brush with the real thing is their own right hand. Or maybe its her left hand (don't want to discriminate against the lefties of the world, after all). Anyway, reading the sex in this story makes it blatantly obvious that the writer's only sexual experiences were instances of manual self-fulfillment.

In return, I got the usual "if you don't like it, don't read it", "I don't want reviews, I want my ego stroked and my ass kissed" responses that you get from 14 year olds who think they are the reincarnation of Judith Krantz. She also scrambles around to "justify" the cliched behavior of her characters, and uses the "there are lots of people who like my stories" defense. Yeah, yeah... you have fans. So does roller derby and having your genitalia pierced. There's a reason why the appeal to popularity is a logical fallacy, young lady (namely, just because a lot of people approve doesn't make it right; lots of people used to approve of lynching, after all...)

Look... Jessica, dahling... Its not my fault your story is a big steaming pile of shit. If you wants decent reviews, write better stories. Its what I did... I learned to write.

XxxxxxX

Fun With Idiots #8

An entire rash of people over on "Dark Lord Potter" seem to have issues with me. The kindest charge is that I am "full of myself". Guilty as charged. Of course I am... just like they are. They're also generally a howling pack of Weasley-haters (which puts them in the "delusional butt-head" category, because their reasoning is faulty from point one and only gets worse as you continue). In general, especially when you consider the source, I have to say that their attempts at "insulting" or "making fun of" me fall flat, basically because they are so beneath my notice as to have their attempts at insult be insignificant. (To put it another way, so the Dark Lord Potter crowd can understand, you are nothing to me but a vague source of entertainment, and thus don't matter enough to me for me to find you insulting.

That said, I should address one person in particular, a guy calling himself "Artereus". He has this to say:

Amazing how he feels he is somehow better and more deserving of having an opinion than any other sentient on the planet.

And with that Artereus proves that he has absolutely no skills in reading comprehension at all. Or else, he hasn't actually read this profile... just reaction to someone else's reading of it. With that in mind, listen, young man. (I'm assuming young man; if not, I apologize.) I've said multiple times that you have all the right in the world to believe whatever silly shit creeps into that mass of spongy tissue that serves as a brain of yours. Believe what you want. However, your right to believe what you want in no way impedes my right to make fun of you for it.

And believe me, I'm making fun of you for it.

XxxxxxX

Fun With Idiots #9

A person calling himself "SPECIALGUY" (yes, it was in allcaps), ID: 769571, sent me a long, rambling screed about the perils of sticking to canon. The screed was badly written, rambled on about this and that, and to tell you the truth was... well... stupid. And the primary reason it was stupid is that I never said you needed to stick to canon. He also wrote a very, very long run-on sentence that I think was a complaint about my list of things that bug me in fanfiction, but the sentence was so badly constructed and rambled so much the original point, if there was one, was utterly lost.

Seriously, check this out:

The hypothetical what if situation is a large part of the idea of fanfiction because otherwise just read the books or see the movies or play the games because the stories written would essentially be remakes with minor differences by the way I'm not being retarded and taking your big long notices of what you don't like and saying that their all immediately wrong just that your idea of sticking to an absolute cannon being incredibly limiting and that while yes going on completely different tangents could be done by creating completely new characters the familiar names and that hypothetically desired what-if situation comes back and the enjoyment of an idea of how a character could turn out given different circumstances brings amusement and joy to readers by the way feel free to respond but please don't come back with rude flames and insults to my intelligence, it just wouldn't be appreciated and probably immediately disregarded.

All I get from this is that they think I was saying "don't depart from canon" (which I'm not) and that they don't want me to flame them. Which I'm not (the truth is never a "flame"). Whatever it is, the message was stupid and incomprehensible and thus I am treating it like I treat all such screeds. By putting it on my "Fun With Idiots" list.