The cake is a lie.

favorite manga: Dragon Knights, HunterxHunter, Ares (technically a manhwa), Hellsing, 1/2 Prince, Fruits Basket, Fullmetal Alchemist, Bakuman, Death Note
favorite anime: Kino's Journey, Samurai Champloo, Fooly Cooly, Cowboy Bebop, Code Geass
favorite cartoons: The Simpsons, Samurai Jack, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Invader Zim, Adventure Time, Phineas and Ferb, Courage the Cowardly Dog
favorite comics: Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, Squee, Zits, Baby Blues
favorite television shows: Wonderfalls, The Big Bang Theory, Firefly, Still Standing, Dexter, Malcolm in the Middle, Modern Family
favorite movies: Millions, Kill Bill 1, Kill Bill 2, Serenity, The Princess Bride, El Orfanato, Léon/The Professional, Stardust, Donnie Darko, The Fifth Element, Princess Mononoke, Spirited Away
favorite books: Watership Down, Mira Mirror, Tales of the Brothers Grimm, The Princess Bride, Flora Segunda, Crusader, Tangerine, Story Time, Folklore & Fairy Tale Funnies, Strange Stories for Strange Kids, The Only Alien on the Planet, Pride and Prejudice, stuff by Orson Scott Card, stuff by Annette Kurtis Klause, anything by Diana Wynne Jones, anything by Terry Pratchet, almost anything by Vivian Vande Velde, Protector of the Small series, Harry Potter series, Artemis Fowl series, The Hitchhiker's Trilogy

Things I Hate in Fanfiction (i.e. I’m ranting here so I don’t flame someone—does not apply to all situations) (WARNING: SPOILERS):

1) OMG! Sasuke hates Itachi! He’s the worst person ever and his hair’s stupid and his mom’s stupid and he hurt Naruto and—
Yeah, so Sasuke’s got issues and wants to kill Itachi throughout most of the series. Big whoop. I think you’re forgetting what Itachi did that Sasuke is so POed about. Sasuke was young (what, 5? 8?) when Itachi killed the clan, tortured Sasuke, etc. And then Itachi did more things later on (like break Sasuke’s arms) basically just to make sure Sasuke would still strive to kill him. Was Itachi fundamentally good? Yes. Does Sasuke have good reason to hate Itachi? Oh yeah. He just doesn’t have all the facts. And having the cast of Naruto think Sasuke is a horrible person for hating his brother is . . . weird. I can see them thinking he’s stupid for doing things like leaving with the pedophile Orochimaru for revenge, but being horrible for hating Itachi? I don’t think so. (And the “hurting Naruto” thing was justified, although that doesn’t make it right. Sasuke’s a bastard, but an understandable bastard who gets even more crazy after spending time with Orochimaru.) (This also applies to similar situations that don’t happen to involve the cast of Naruto.)

2) You know, I don’t like this person/I like this person/I think this person is unimportant/they’re ugly/I need a bad guy for the plot and I like the actual bad guy too much to actually use him like that, so I’m going to take this character right here and rip his/her/its characterization to shreds! Whee!
I can see your point, but it doesn’t make sense. It just doesn’t. Unless you have some reason for the person to change so much it’s simply lazy writing, and/or this plot/situation simply wasn’t meant to be. People understand characters differently from each other so I can see some variation, but having Snape sometimes smiling and kind within a month of meeting Harry Potter? Sunako Nakahara unable to take care of herself in most situations? Alucard, of his own volition, romantic in a non-creepy way? I think you want to write original fiction instead. At least give back-story! More details! Can’t you see that you’re breaking apart the very thing that makes the original story so great?

3) I’m cool and this character is cool and they are now goth.
People can be perfectly awesome and not be into wearing black and all the other stuff that comes with being a cool goth (the artistic talent, the suffering, etc.). In fact, this “gothening” has been used so much in writing that it actually makes your story less cool, which means you become less cool automatically, and to top it off you look like a poser.

4) You don’t like my goth character! That makes you a poser!
No. No it does not. It makes me a person with an opinion. Your opinion is that the gothification of a perfectly good character makes him/her/it cool. My opinion is that it doesn’t. At all. Ever.

5) OMG! This person is so great and now everyone loves him/her/it!
No. People are looking for different things in those they want a romantic relationship with. It’s not going to happen outside of a comedy or a soap opera or a soap opera pretending to be a drama.

6) This is fanfiction and I deserve to spread my creativity! Who are you to say I can’t change someone’s character at the drop of a hat?
You do have the right to spread your creativity. But you should also understand that your story sucks. I’m just one author, and while other people may like your story, I like reading something that could actually potentially happen when these characters are put in the correct situations. Otherwise it just doesn’t work. The characters are no longer themselves but instead some horrible version of themselves that the other characters would probably recognize as a simple plot device and therefore avoid like the plague. You should write original fiction instead, if you really want this situation to happen. Sure, you might have to work harder since you’ll have to flesh out the characters and their pasts for yourself, but it’ll help you grow as a writer and won’t make my eyes bleed.

7) Plz review! I wont updat unless i get ten reivews!
Uh, you can’t spell. Do you know how annoying it is when people don’t even take the time to spell check? I understand that some people on here primarily speak another language, and they at least have an excuse (though they should probably get a beta, but that’s their prerogative, and not everyone likes betas), but most spelling and grammar mistakes I’ve noticed come from English speakers who simply don’t take the time to read over their work. A few mistakes are okay—no one is perfect. A lot is the writer being lazy. (This spelling rant also applies to grammar. Mostly I’ve seen a lot of bad comma usage and tense switching.)

8) Ew, you’re sick! Sick sick sick! How can you even write this? I know you have warnings posted, but you shouldn’t even have written this! It’s a travesty to the written language!
People have different opinions than you and no one’s forcing you to read it. Suck it up and move on. (On that note, you don’t have to agree with my ramblings here.)

9) This person doesn’t have brown eyes, but limpid pools of chocolate; no normal lips for this character, just pouty, kissable lips; this individual is no longer skinny with ribs showing, but lithe—
You’re kind of shallow, aren’t you? People aren’t physically perfect. (Some exceptions, like certain vampires from the Twilight series, apply. And even they have bags under their eyes.)

10) “I am the leader’s son/daughter and I want you, my guardian, to stop following me as I can take care of myself since I am of this rank/level and of this age, thank you very much. Now I will proceed to converse with this person right here who is obviously not a spy and is also obviously not going to get information from/kidnap/kill/seduce me. You there—should I also allude to a secret scheme so that the plot can move along quicker?”
People don’t generally explain themselves out loud in real life. Just sayin’.

11) This character is an OC and totally not a Mary-Sue, despite being pretty and useful and this hot guy/girl right here falls for her. She’s not a Mary-Sue! She’s got issues! A dark past, an abusive mother, and AIDS!
Uh, yes, she is a Mary-Sue. Being a Mary-Sue isn’t just about being perfect, since most people do remember to write at least one flaw in their original character, however small or insignificant. And the “dark past” bit just makes it worse, because then her love interest can help her face her so-called “dark past” and it will just bring them closer! Before you subject the readers to an original character take a Mary-Sue litmus test, please (here’s an example: http://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm). It might help you create a character that the readers don't have to hate on principle. (Also applies to Gary-Stus.)

Rant now over. Take nothing to heart. Or do. Whichever. Also note that parodies are awesome when done well.

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.) ~"Song of Myself" by Walt Whitman

"Our noble, brilliant and glorious King Icarus says to you: 'Do whatever the hell you want, assholes!'" ~Chronosian Messenger from Ares by Ryu Kum Chel

"Animals don't behave like men," he said. "If they have to fight, they fight; and if they have to kill, they kill. But they don't sit down and set their wits to work to devise ways of spoiling other creatures' lives and hurting them. They have dignity and animality." ~Watership Down by Richard Adams

Wouldn’t it have been the nice thing to do, to give his old friends a running start or at least a heads-up? I certainly don’t pretend to be a paragon of civilized virtue, but if a deranged surgeon was after Vince Masuoka, for instance, I like to think I might find a way to drop a hint into casual conversation by the coffee machine. Pass the sugar, please. By the way—there’s a medical maniac after you who wants to lop off all your limbs. Would you like the creamer? ~Dearly Devoted Dexter by Jeff Lindsay

"So," Suki interjected, "let me get this right: you want them to stop acting like Aang's parents and become his pimps?" ~A Matter of Honor (Avatar: The Last Airbender fanfiction) by Adridere

"Ellie is soft and comfortable like a mother and Sigrid is strong and busy like an aunt—and the professors are good to me. But sometimes . . . I dream about my real mother coming. Often I dream it—that she’s looked and looked for me and at last she’s found me. Do you think it’s wrong to keep dreaming that?”
“How could it be wrong?”
“Well, when Ellie and Sigrid look after me so well.”
“Dreams don’t work like that, Annika.” ~The Star of Kazan by Eva Ibbotson

“I am a fox. I live by my nose, by my teeth and feet. By my wits. How can I steal? How can one creature own another—except to eat it? Don’t we all belong to ourselves? Until someone else—someone bigger, faster, hungrier, smarter—catches us? And eats us? I didn’t steal. I hunted. I didn’t murder. I fed. I am accused of being a fox. If that’s a crime, then so is being an owl, or a cat . . . or a spider. Or a girl.” ~Flame from The Old Country by Mordicai Gerstein

Pozzo: (Suddenly furious.) Have you not done tormenting me with your accursed time! It's abominable! When! When! One day, is that not enough for you, one day he went dumb, one day I went blind, one day we'll go deaf, one day we were born, one day we shall die, the same day, the same second, is that not enough for you? (Calmer.) They give birth astride of a grave, the light gleams an instant, then it's night once more. (He jerks the rope.) On! ~Waiting For Godot by Samuel Beckett

Evie: Why are all of you speaking English?
Controller Vode: Oh, we're not. Your brain was upgraded for real-time language translation the instant you boarded the ship. Works with slang, derisive witticisms, and colloquial allusion. If one of us verbalizes a concept with no English approximation, the program tries its best to compensate.
Evie: Meaning what?
Controller Vode: Inappropriately jovial banana pants.
Evie: What?
Controller Vode: Exactly.
~eV by James Farr

Vincent: So . . . what now?
Edaniel: Hm. Wanna make out?
Vincent: I'm going to kill you right in the face.
~Bizenghast by Alice LeGrow

Ophelia's mind went wandering
You'd wonder where she goes
Through secret doors, down corridors
She'd wander there alone
All alone
~"Ophelia" by Natalie Merchant

complete lyrics to "Still Alive" from the game Portal

This was a triumph
I'm making a note here:
HUGE SUCCESS
It's hard to overstate
My satisfaction
Aperture Science
We do what we must
Because we can
For the good of all of us
Except the ones who are dead
But there's no sense crying
Over every mistake
You just keep on trying
Till you run out of cake
And the science gets done
And you make a neat gun
For the people who are
Still alive

I'm not even angry
I'm being so sincere right now
Even though you broke my heart
And killed me
And torn into pieces
And threw every piece into a fire
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you
Now these points of data
Make a beautiful line
And we're out of beta
We're releasing on time
So I'm glad I got burned
Think of all the things we learned
For the people who are
Still alive

Go ahead and leave me
I think I prefer to stay inside
Maybe you'll find someone else
To help you
Maybe Black Mesa
THAT WAS A JOKE, HAHA, FAT CHANCE
Anyway, this cake is great
It's so delicious and moist
Look at me still talking
when there's science to do
When I look out there
It makes me glad I'm not you
I've experiments to run
There is research to be done
On the people who are
Still alive

And believe me I am
Still alive
I'm doing science and I'm
Still alive
I feel FANTASTIC and I'm
Still alive
While you are dying I'll be
Still alive
And when you're dead I will be
Still alive
STILL ALIVE
Still alive

excerpts from Kino's Journey:

Deep in your smile I see the world seeing me
I'm free to be free
To be what I'd be
When my heart's aching and is shallow on love
I gaze to the doves and I find it above

Let my desires fly along on a wing
Along with my dreams
Alone so it seems
Thoughts from the heart on a pure spring day
My heart flies away on a dream so they say

"Someone once told me that watching the birds made them want to go on a journey." ~Kino

Birds flying in the sky are not always free, though.

About the Author: I was the kid who, when asked how much I weighed, inquired whether the person wanted it in pounds or kilograms. I was the kid who didn't accept that a math equation worked--I wanted to know why. I was the kid who, despite doing okay in calculus, did not understand physics word problems well. They killed my brain. I am currently working and in college (with a reading list two miles long in Times New Roman font, size twelve), and they're eating not only my mind but my time, too. My stories will update eventually. I'm not dead yet. (Although if I don't update any of my stories or my profile for at least two years . . . you can assume something happened, be it death or coma or vegetative state or a long vacation with no computer access in the Marianas Trench.)

I do not care what a story is about, what the pairings are, etc. If the characters are good (as in, in-character-ish at the very least) and I like the writing style I will read it.

If I haven't reviewed your story and you're on my favorite stories list, favorite authors list, author alerts list, or story alerts list it's because I haven't read the most recent chapter(s) yet.

I am female. I'm pretty sure the "Turtle Kid" part of my name makes most people think of a male, but I'm female. Yes, really.

previous names: Raynin, Turtle Kid

abandoned stories: "Oh Well" (Ranma 1/2)

Reviews delight me. I don't care how short it is, or if it's constructive or not, or if it eats me. It's still a sweet thing to do.

WARNING: I AM A TERRIBLE UPDATER. I am not one of those people who can to school and work and crank out a chapter a week/month. I simply can't. I write and work and rework my chapters and then send it to my beta before finally updating. Not that this means my chapters are amazing, but I do spend time trying to make them good, because I am also not one of those people that words come easily to. Also: I see fanfiction as a fun thing done in my spare time. This means that everything else comes first. I do feel a sense of responsibility, and I do write when I can so that I can update for my readers, but writing fanfiction is at the end of a long list of things I need to do in real life. Thank you for your understanding.

I THINK SOMEONE HACKED MY ACCOUNT. I don't know how or why, but I tried to review a story and found out that I'd evidently already reviewed while using bad spelling and no capitals and without remembering having done it. Obviously, it wasn't me. So, if I've reviewed your story without using capitals and such, that's not me, and it should be ignored.