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A bit of a while ago my friend and I put together
this list of things that any truly obsessed Animorph junkie has done.
Most of them are pretty funny, some of them are just dumb. I encourage
you to read this. Oh, there are a lot of inside jokes included, like
the commentary in the parenthesis, so you can either ignore it or try
to figure it out. The person in the parenthesis without word alteration
is me talking, and the person in italics and underlined is my friend.
Thanks!
PS: The numbers in bold are the ones that I, personally, have done.
You
know you’re addicted to Animorphs when…
1. Your computer’s Spellchecker knows and accepts all
Animorph-related terms, included Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill, and Visser
2. You have a secret hidden folder at the back of your computer
that contains all of your secret Animorph fan-fictions (Why yes. Yes I do…)
3. You threatened to sue K.A. Applegate when you heard she was
going to end the series SHE ENDED THE SERIES!
4. You sent K.A. Applegate hate mail when you found out who she
killed at the end (Wait a minute…someone dies! I’ll send her hate mail! Wait…)
5. You have stalked K.A. Applegate, for reasons unknown (Whaddya mean, ‘reasons unknown’? I
should think the reasons would be VERY obvious!)
6. You know what the ‘A’ stands for in K.A. Applegate (Doesn’t
everyone?)
7. You religiously watched the show Animorphs, even while protesting how ugly the dude who played Ax
was Well he WAS!
8. You have a stuffed animal that is a red tailed Hawk (So sue
me!)
9. You have one or more of the Animorph action figures, despite
the fact that it’s Rachel who morphs
bear, not Cassie Stupid toy company…
10. You know all the characters’ parents’ first names
11. You actually wear the T-shirt that says ‘Together we Fight’,
in all the freaky lettering
12. You own more than half of the Animorph books, and loan them
out periodically (muh-hah)
13. You consider yourself a ‘dealer’ of Animorph books, and have
gotten at least one person addicted to date (Again, so sue me!)
14. You cry “Sacrilege!” when others insult the Animorphs.
(hiss)
15. You maniacally defend the Animorphs when others call them
stupid, or ‘so fourth grade…’ (“It wasn’t my
fault I attacked Bob, Mr. Principal -he insulted the Animorphs!”)
16. You spend your time hanging out in the food court at the
mall, just in case someone starts freaking out over food (hey…you never know)
17. You don’t just nod your head when people say there has to be
other life in the universe; you scream “It’s already here, ya dingbat!” (I
don’t see why people have a problem with this…)
18. You sometimes mistake the names of your friends, relatives,
pets, or common household cleaning items for the names of the Animorphs (It was
only one time! sniff)
19. You have actively looked for signs that someone is infested
with a yeerk, and, oddly enough, find them! (Like I’ve said, our bus driver is definitely a Controller.)
20. You dream about either a) being an Animorph, b) morphing
itself, or c) dream that one of the Animorphs is stalking you (cough
Kristen! What? Nothing…)
21. You wake up in the morning and have conversations inside
your head with one of the Animorphs (cough Kristen! WHAT! Just WHAT! …Poooor
Marco)
22. You have strange, and often erotic fantasies, during
which…oh…was I typing that out loud? Forget it…
23. For some reason, the strange adults at school (who have to
be controllers) recommended counseling, because, as they say, “You have mental
problems, and STOP staring at my forehead!”
24. You named your cat Dude
25. You have a dog named Homer
26. You consistently pretend that you are a lizard and hang
upside down while flitting your tongue at certain pedestrians, which is rather
creepy, by the way
27. You ‘accidentally’ called your cousin Jake on various
occasions. (Wait. That wasn’t his name? No one told me!)
28. You ‘accidentally’ called your female cousin Rachel on
various occasions.
29. You sometimes insist that your cousins call you Jake or
Rachel, depending on your gender. (They do already high-and-mighty-sniff)
30. You walk around in a T-shirt that says, ‘Elfangor Lives’ in
really large letters I had to make it myself. (Would you believe that Target
doesn’t carry any?)
31. You have the tendency to bite rather attractive people (and
yes, this does have something to do
with the books, although what I’m not exactly sure…must think on
that… scribble )
32. You are deathly afraid of anything even remotely resembling
a slug (your parents never took you to a French restaurant again…)
33. You wake up at five-o-clock every morning so you can go into
the garden and stomp slugs, saying, “Take that, Visser Three!” (I love doing
this)
34. When your sister was raising Sea Monkeys, you flushed them
down the toilet. (Hey, you can’t be too sure)
35. You never swat flies, no matter how annoying they get.
says while sounding mortified (What if it’s Jake?)
36. You have reason to believe that your mother is an alien
(Well…uh…I’m…yeah.)
37. You wear your wolf-man costume to bed (we’re not quite sure
why, but go with it)
38. You buy beanie babies that are hawks, bears, gorillas,
tigers, elephants, wolves etc. (Whoohoo!)
39. You were exceedingly angry when you found out that they
don’t make Andalite Beanie Babies
(Darn the Ty company. It will be the first to go…)
40. You like to hang out in barns (Who doesn’t? says
defensively IT’S NORMAL!)
41. You once ‘fell’ into the crocodile pen at the zoo, in the
hopes that that really cool blonde chick across from you would try and rescue
you (she didn’t)
42. You had a china doll named Eva, and you broke it’s head
(Accidentally, I swear!)
43. You go around your school trying to find people who fit the
Animorph’s description.
44. You found this one chick at your school who literally could be Rachel, and while you were
stalking her you found out where her locker was…and now you worship it
45. You were depressed for a week because you were singing, “I
know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves…” on the bus and now some kid named
Jake hates you…(here, have a chocolate…)
46. People think you’re on ‘Shrooms (Savannah, this has nothing
to do with the Animorphs I know, but it makes me mad…preps… laugh Sing it
to the world)
47. There’s some dude in your friend’s sixth period class who is
willing to sell you the ENTIRE Animorphs collection…pause
to hyperventilate…why don’t you move on to the next number? I can’t breath over
here
48. …Anyway, this dude is willing to sell you the entire
collection…for only 20 bucks. Can you believe it! How cool is that? Someone
gets a Christmas Present…hint, hint…
49. Once you start talking about the Animorphs, people come to
the vapid conclusion that you are strange (Savannah, you ARE strange…Oh, yeah! I forgot…)
50. You once tried to pinpoint on a map all the possibilities of
where the Animorphs might live. Your resources were red-tailed hawk territories
references to ‘Area 91’, and all major cities.
51. You feel that you should send out fan mail over the Internet
saying, ‘Animorphs, I know you’re there!’
52. You have sent out
fan mail over the Internet saying ‘Animorphs, I know you’re there!’ (Just once)
53. You met some chick named Rachel over the Internet and
stalked her for two years until you found out she was secretly 85( I didn’t get
over it for a week, until I reread Book # 16, and then I felt better. sniff
Marco is my idol!…Poooor Marco Yup)
54. When you read Animorphs 22, you threw away all lion stuffed
animals, beanie babies, pictures, and paraphernalia into a truck and took it to
the dump, regardless of whether you were old enough to drive or not (Hate,
hate, hate, hate…)
55. You met a kid named David at school and you bit his leg off.
Twice. (…hate, hate, hate, hate…)
56. After you completed the above, you roguishly interrogated
David as to whether or not he had a ‘blue box’. After he said he didn’t, you
bit his arm off. Twice. (…hate, hate, hate…)
57. You repeatedly walk through construction sites after dark,
and were fined (and grounded) for it once.
58. You have a really cute nickname: The Night Prowler
59. The above is attributed to the fact that you have repeatedly
walked through construction sites after dark, and were fined (and grounded) for
it once.
60. You send hate mail to the Crocodile Hunter (the loon!)
61. You’re favorite drink is Dr. Pepper (Yum!)
62. You’re favorite pastime is driving around in a modified
yellow mustang, regardless of whether you are old enough to drive or not.
(vroom, vroom)
63. You have gotten tickets for driving around in a modified
yellow mustang )I NEVER went over one hundred miles per hour, I don’t see what
they’re bing about! After all, Andalite Battle Cruisers go faster!)
64. You believe the National Enquirer (What do you mean by that?
I resent that…poor Bat Boy…)
65. When you went to see the movie Men in Black II, you
repeatedly threw peanuts at the screen until you were ‘removed’ from the movie
theatre.
66. When your mom brought home the movie Men in Black II, you
repeatedly threw peanuts at it until your mom ‘removed’ you from the living
room.
67. Your mom bought a new Salad-Shooter, and you were grounded
because you wrote “Hork-Bajir” on the side with a Sharpie Marker
68. You draw whiskers on your face with Sharpie Markers (Ya
weirdo!)
69. You once squished a termite and cried about it for a week.
Or perhaps you were crying because you were grounded from drawing all over
your Mom’s Salad Shooter…hmm…
70. You insistently call JK Rowling an amateur and a newbie.
71. You were once mauled by Harry Potter fans for calling JK
Rowling an amateur and a newbie
72. When the above happened, you made intense attempts to morph
a grizzly bear needless to say, it didn’t work…your plastic surgery appointment
is next week
73. When you bought your Nintendo Game-Cube you attempted to
absorb magic powers from it (What does this have to do with Animorphs? Shut
up)
74. You hate the monkey from Captain Planet (Sure Kristen,
that’s right…)
75. You are careful never to call Gorilla’s ‘monkeys’ (It makes
them mad)
76. When you visited the elephant cages at the zoo, you threw
one a paper airplane that said, ‘I know who you are’ you aren’t really allowed in the zoo anymore
77. You once bought a stuffed bear and a stuffed lion and
enjoyed artfully posing them in battle on top of your dresser your mom
misinterpreted this, and after giving you ‘the talk’, sent you to psychiatric
therapy
78. While at psychiatric therapy, they insisted on showing you
ink blots, and became very agitated when you reported seeing Andalite Battle
Cruisers (meanwhile you were laughing in your head because there is no such
thing as an Andalite Battle Cruiser, no matter what #63 says. said as an
afterthought Duh.)
79. You became very angry with Jean Rodenberry when he refused
your proposal to include Bug Fighters on Next Generation We think he thought
it might have looked too much like Picard’s bald head. (Drat Patrick Stuart. No
really!)
80. You once saw a bald guy in a store, and ATE HIM, thinking he
was Patrick Stuart! (Your mistake)
81. You once saw another bald guy in a store and ate him,
thinking it was Visser Three in morph. (He wasn’t, and you got sued.)
82. You have a new classmate named Aria, and you were suspended
by your vice principal for repeatedly throwing spitballs at her from halfway
across the room (not 3/8 of the way, HALF way)
83. You avidly hate your vice principal
84. You were once sent to the vice-principal’s office for saying
you hated the vice-principal. Upon arriving, you threw yourself at the floor
and screamed ‘You can’t take me!’
85. Every time you walk into the vice-principal’s office, you
bite him. Repeatedly
86. Armed with a baseball bat and a makeshift ray gun, you
waltzed into McDonald’s and ordered a Happy Meal with ‘extra happy’. The clerk
kind of looked at you funnily for a moment then called security.
87. After the above incident, you refused to go into the Gap, or
the janitor’s closet, or McDonald’s (I can’t help it! Every time I even THINK
about it, this song plays in my head that goes, ‘We love to see your host
smile!’)
88. You once walked up to the pimply-faced teen working at
McDonald’s, said, “I hate you”, and then walked out without buying anything.
89. No one seems to like you. You think they’re all Controllers (hiss)
90. Right before your teacher hands out the math test, you
squeal “Let’s do it!”
91. You tried to sue Nike for adopting the phrase “Just do it”,
which you feel sure is a violation of some sort of Rachel copyright (Drat Nike.
It will be the second to go…)
92. You actually keep up with all the Animorph fan fiction, including
the ones fruitcake writes (We still hate you! ‘Cause like, DUDE! That’s DISTURBING!
Poooor Marco… Yup)
93. You read the Animorph Poetry on the Internet
94. You once wrote a story involving two of the Animorphs…you
know what? Never mind…
95. You were once sued by another enthusiastic fan for writing a
story about Rachel dating another bird. A parrot, to be exact. (What the heck!
Where did this come from?)
96. You send Christopher Ralph love letters (HE’S SO…um…what was
I saying?)
97. You actually figured out when Tobias’s birthday was. (It’s
the same as mine! That has to be a
sign! Savannah, you need to shut up about that now Shutting up)
98. Half the time you walk around in pants that have bird poop
on them, and the other half of the time, you walk around in shirts that say
Tommy Girl on the front, regardless of your gender (HEY! Boys can wear that
stuff too, ya know! Ya biased freak…)
99. You have been into Animorphs for more than one year (My three year anniversary comes up in May! (Savannah, SHUT UP!)
100. You actually know
what Tobias’s last name is, no matter what that guy on the internet says
101. You saw a law office, and on the front of it the sign said
‘Lawyer, Degroot’, so you went inside and ate him. Raw, but with ketchup Mmm,
numbers (Yeah Kristen, that’s great snort)
102. You sent your friend Melissa a letter that says ‘Trust not
your parents…’ Unfortunately, she knew it was you, and made you eat the letter
well, she didn’t exactly, but you
felt like it. (Hey, they’re not going to go into your stomach to get hidden
information…!)
103. You won’t tell anyone your last name, or where you live.
It’s too dangerous…In fact, you are so paranoid, your parents don’t know your
last name. (Actually, you don’t know
your last name, so oh well.)
104. You have a secret theory that the Animorphs’ don’t know
their last names (Or why would they keep refusing to tell you, hmm?)
105. You have brought new meaning to the theory “live free or
die!”
106. You once…erm…‘borrowed’ a piece of equipment from a marine
lab that’s lets you communicate with dolphins and you used it to broadcast
messages that said, “I know who you are and what you want.” (Ironically, this
got you into a lot of trouble with the Navy a time back. They thought you were
a Soviet or something…)
107. After reading book 14, you never looked at Honey Buckets the
same way again. (Who knows where we got that
technology)
108. You hate all men (and women) named Bob, but you’re not
exactly sure why…
109. When anyone asks you what you want to drink, you scream ‘I WANT A COKE!’
110. You were affectionately voted Weirdest last year (Savannah,
you need to stop being proud of that. It’s not exactly a good thing. I know.
But hey…at least I was ‘affectionately’
voted Weirdest says distractedly Yeah)
111. You sometimes break into a little song that goes, “I’ve got
a lovely bunch of books, they’re called Animorphs, they sit upon my shelf, row
by row! bom, bom, bom Thick ones, thicker ones, I love them all the
same! Except for Megamorphs three, and books 3, and 23, and 27 because they are
TIGHT
and I love them best! Oh Yeah! (repeat) (sighs Only you, Savannah…)
112. You have fantasies about starting your own Animorph website
113. You have started
your very own, personalized Animorph website…you want the URL?
114. KA Applegate has filed a restraining order against you
115. You violated the restraining order that KA Applegate filed
against you, mainly due to the fact that you ran up to her and started
screaming, “No, you can’t kill them! It’s not fair!” You were fined (again)
because of this
116. You once saw a cardboard cutout of Hanson outside an
outdated music store; the ditzy employee returned later to find that…ahem…someone had hot-glued a plastic
cockroach to Zack Hanson’s pants
117. When your history class reviewed the War of 1812, you
couldn’t resist mentioning that one scene from Megamorphs 3 (I actually did
that, you know… Yes Savannah, we know)
118. The Bookstore has filed a restraining order against you
because of how ravenously you buy Animorph books from them. Sure, it’s good for
their sales, but you’re really starting to creep them out.
119. The last time you broke your arm (while trying to climb up a
radio tower), you refused to be taken to the hospital, because, as you say, you
could ‘just morph out of it’. Besides, everyone knows that YEERKS run the
hospital…
120. You bought all those freaky glowy light thingies and stuff
from that SciFi store down the way, and set them up in your room in an effort
to make it look even remotely like a Yeerk Pool. Or a Blade Ship. You’re not
quite sure which –they look so much alike
121. You glued jet engines on your mom’s frying pan. (Hey! It
looks like a bug fighter if you squint your eyes and tilt your head to the
left)
122. In an effort to understand Ax, you actually rented a book on
Quantum Physics.
123. You made no sense of the above. You only could understand
the word ‘the’, which appeared only 56 times in the entire book (you counted)
124. You went into a Star Trek convention and started
spray-painting everyone in sight (Losers! Don’t they know the truth?)
125. You were put in jail for mauling some Star Trek fans who
came to the Animorph convention and were spray painting everyone in sight,
while yelling, ‘Losers! They think they know the truth!’
126. You’ve been to at least one Animorph convention wearing a
bear suit
127. While at the Animorph convention wearing a bear suit, you
attacked the dude who showed up in a lion suit. Needless to say, he’s on a
respirator
128. You won’t let anyone scan your brain. Not that anyone’s made
any attempts so far, but still…it’s the principle of the thing…
129. You hang out in boy’s bathrooms, regardless of your gender,
and prevent people from stuffing guy’s heads down toilets. But only the cute
ones. (If you’re a guy, you really shouldn’t consider this fact, so we’ll leave
it at that…)
130. Aside from earlier naming your cat Dude, you have also named
it Fluffer McKitty on more than one occasion
131. Your cat’s name has the strangest tendency to change between
Dude and Fluffer McKitty, which really annoys your parents, because they have
to keep buying new monogrammed bowls.
132. You always carry a baseball with you when you go to the mall
133. You go on IM and send messages to anyone whose screen name
even remotely resembles ‘Rachel’ that say “Give up the bird, or else!”
134. You looked all over the Internet for Jake’s screen name. You
didn’t find it, but you did find the screen name Marco uses to send Jake erotic
letters supposedly from Cassie.
135. When you discovered the above, you hacked into the site,
took over that account, and did the happy dance for twenty three hours
136. You have the very strange habit of ‘falling’ off your
two-story house. Your parents were really creeped out about this and attempted
to keep you grounded by tying you to a chair on the first floor. (It didn’t
work…you took the chair with you)
137. You were grounded for taking the chair with you. (How you
were you supposed to know it was genuine oak?)
138. Your parents, realizing your strange behavior was in some
way connected with Animorphs, forbade you to read them. You are now an orphan.
139. If your parents never attempted the above, then they did try
to explain to you that having such an avid obsession with Animorphs was
unhealthy, despite the fact that you are now getting more exercise than ever
from having to hike through the mall every day looking for blonde mall-rats,
and people acting odd in the food court
140. You have made a parody of more than one song involving
Animorphs (I plead the Fifth. But I will say this: sk8er boi has nothing on this song!)
141. You have parodied one or more of the Animorph books, and
they are very strange…(why yes…yes I
have…)
142. You are broke, because you have been sued and fined so many
times
143. You have
written a list entitled ‘You Know You’re Addicted to Animorphs When…’ (guilty)
I became addicted to Animorphs on May 28, 2002. I fell in love with
them after reading book #2, and by that summer I was writing a Cassie
book. I've written many, many fics and song fics, but not all of them will be posted.
My
favorite characters are Rachel and Tobias, followed closely by Marco. I
love R/T romances and DESPISE romances that mess with the characters...you will see me do the occasional spoof, however...
So far I only do Animorph, and though the temptation to do Harry Potter has arisen, I will never sink that low...shudder... don't get me wrong, I /adore/ Harry Potter fan fic, but to write it is a different story...
I don't read crossovers or anything with the words 'Chronicle, or
Part_' in them. I'm a firm believer in fan fic licenses, because some stories just suck, hence the beginning of my C2 croup, 'Animorph Obsession'.
I really liked the story 'You're My Obsession', though
it seriously creeped me out the first 80 times I read it. Now I just
point and laugh...
Thanx to everyone for the warm reception I have recieved here, and I'm grateful that you all like my stuff. I love to recieve email, so if you want to talk to me for any reason, I'm here.
I'm
not much into reviewing other people's work (I like short things better
than long and drawn out stuff) but I'm happy most of the time, and if
you ask, I will most likely comply.
I seek to be the new Queen of Insanity, Empress of Weirdness, and best
R/T fan fic writer for the year...but, let come what may...bye!
If you like my work you might also like my profile under the same name at fictionpress . com
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