ANNOUNCEMENT
I'm afraid that I'm leaving the fanfiction world. I might be coming
back for a little Tolkien-advice now and then, but in all reality, I'm
getting married, and I'm double-majoring, and I have no time left for
fun stuff like this. I'm not dying, so don't morn me. I will continue work on my website, so that resource will still be around even if I'm not here. I might come back in a few years; after my life has quieted down. But who knows? I did fanfiction because I was bored out of my mind in highschool, and I had no way to really practice my writing and linguistic analysis skills. Fanfiction really taught me how to write. Fanfiction started me on my linguistic path. Fanfiction taught me how to critique others. I owe my future to fanfiction.
So, after writing that solemn message, I decided to lighten the mood by sharing with y'all my secret of success as a reviewer. When I was reviewing, I was doing 10-20 stories a day. How? I had a reviewing form. I'd make a short hand list of all of the problem areas of a story, then copy and paste from my form. You'd be surprised by how little I had to write extra material for a review. It goes to show how repetitive fanfiction can be. I also suggest that other reviewers use this trick. Mostly, it helps you keep your cool when leaving reviews. Even if a story really pisses you off, the review can still end up sounding calm and helpful. Garo 'lass!
Introductions
Hi! I’m a Tolkien-language scholar, so that’s what my reviews normally focus on.Before we get into the
review, I'm going to give you a tip about links. The URL's will be spaced out
so this website won't know they're links and automatically delete them. Why it
does this I have no idea, but it's as annoying as heck. So, before you try to
use the links, remove the spaces in "com", "net",
"edu", "org", and so on and so on. If the links still don't
work, e-mail me.
Plot
BAMF
Since you are writing this type of story, you should check
out this forum. It discusses the bamf plot, and you may find the discussions interesting and useful for your
fanfiction. (http://www.fanfiction.net/f/221160/)Figure out a reason
for the Elven child to be in Earth and a reason that her aging would speed up
so much. An Elf at 13 years old has about the same maturity and appearance of a
three-year-old human child. It takes about 50 years for an Elf to reach
physical maturity, and about 100 years to reach mental maturity.
Figure out how Legolas
ended up in our world.
Give a more detailed description
of how she fell into Middle-earth. How and why was she put there? I don't get
it!
When she drops into Middle-earth, no one should be able to
understand her. She speaks English, and the common tongue of Middle-earth is Westron. There are many ways around this problem.
If you have an excuse for their understanding, just ignore this paragraph.
When they drop into Middle-earth, the people of
Middle-earth shouldn't be able to understand them. They speak English, and the
common tongue of Middle-earth is Westron. There are many ways around this
problem. If you have an excuse for their understanding, just ignore this
paragraph.
To improve the story, you could give your character a more realistic reaction to finding herself in
Middle-earth. This is a place full of danger and a lack of modern conveniences.
(Who knew that toilet paper could be so sorely missed?) Her family and friends
aren't there. Won't she miss them or mourn never being able to see them again?
To improve the story, you could give your characters a
more realistic reaction to finding themselves in Middle-earth. This is a place
full of danger and a lack of modern conveniences. (Who knew that toilet paper
could be so sorely missed?) Their family and friends aren't there. Won't they
miss them or mourn never being able to see them again?
Why does anyone trust
her? They don’t know her, and she knows too much about them. They have no
reason to trust her. She could be a spy. They aren’t just going to tell her
everything and let her into their secret business.
Why does anyone trust them? No one knows them, and they
know too much about well-kept secrets. No one has any reason to trust them.
They could be spies. No one is just going to tell them everything and let them
into secret business.
A young, unwise girl with
no ties to Middle-earth would not be allowed into the council of Elrond. If
Sam, Merry, and Pippin weren't, she wouldn't either.
Having pointed ears proves
nothing, I’m afraid. It’s one of the most common birth defects amongst us
humans.
Fellowship of Many
This can be a more interesting story if you consider the effects on the plot if more characters joined the
Fellowship. To keep the rule of nine (nine walkers against nine riders with
nine rings of power) who would not be in the Fellowship for these extra
characters to join on this death-mission? How would the plot change? For
instance, if Merry and Pippin hadn't come, would they ever have gotten into
Moria without Merry to figure out the password? Would Gandalf ever have become
Gandalf the White? Would Saruman ever have been defeated[http://realelvish.net/councilandfellowship.phpElrond made the Fellowship with NINE members for a reason. Nine walkers against nine riders
with nine rings of power.
Races
A Mary Sue is a
character that sucks the life out of a story by forcing it to be focused on
her. All of the characters' personalities change to her every whim. She often
has unbelievable powers, romance with a main character, and a very tragic past.
Why does she do this? Because she's the author's version of herself, living out
the author's fantasies.You can't just add a new race
to Tolkien's creation. Tolkien created Arda from the very moment that its gods
were born. Its history is very well thought out, and the races there make sense
because they all fit into Eru Ilúvatar's (the "One Father of All",
something like the Christian god) master plan. All of the races have an
awakening and a designer. You have to make a believable beginning for your new
race and a believable impact. A race to exist and have no impact on the world
around it is just ridiculous - so you have to re-write history involving the
race. I see no evidence of any forethought being put into this race of yours,
making your new race look like it was hastily pasted on with cheep Elmer's
Glue. Think, would there be a War of the Ring if your race existed?
Research Elves a
little bit more. Read _Morgoth's Ring_ by Tolkien, or if you can't buy it, here's
a fairly good replacement[http://valarguild.org/varda/Tolkien/encyc/papers/historiesMe.htm#10 This article is also a good read[http://ansereg.com/what_tolkien_officeally_said_abo.htm
and here's one that you may find useful[http://realelvish.net/an_elven_wedding.php
You ought to research the humans
and half-elves of Middle-earth a little more. Here’s an essay about
the subject[http://realelvish.net/origin_of_man.php
Please make the Elves a little more mature and, well, Elf-like.
Look up the available appearances
for Elves. [http://realelvish.net/elven_races.php
Factual Errors
Observe what magic
is in Middle-earth. In Middle-earth, it is a state of sacredness. What we would
call "magic" is reserved for the Maiar. The Elves must sing for
several hours to get anything to happen at all. Even Lúthien, the daughter of
Melian the Maia, had to sing from dusk to dawn in order to make her hair grow
several feet. Everyone else just can't do it. Here's an in-depth essay on it[http://realelvish.net/tolkiens_magic.phpI think you misunderstand the Elven political system.
There is no worrying about who will be the heir to
the throne because Elves are immortal.
They don’t have much in the way of formal laws, just
understood ones, and their hierarchy is very loose.
Basically, those who own land are Lords and Ladies;
those who rule land are kings and queens, and those who govern land but still
answer to a king or queen are princes and princesses. We could call Galadriel a
Queen, but she refused that title, insisting that she would go back to Valinor
someday.
There is very little of what we would call a standing
army. Take Lothlórien for example. There, we learn that Lady Galadriel’s Ring
of Power and volunteer patrols, like that which Haldir and his brothers took
part in, keep the borders safe.
You need to learn more about Elven courting. Read _Morgoth's Ring_ or go to this
website[http://realelvish.net/an_elven_wedding.php
Boromir wasn’t some idiotic, hypocritical woman-hater! He was a
proud and brave man trying to save his country. It’s not his fault the One Ring
found a weak spot – the love of his country. That goes for Denethor as well.
They don't have schools
like we do in Middle-earth. Teaching was done at home, and if a lore-master was
nearby and someone wanted to become a scholar, they could be an apprentice lore-master,
but not formal schools in Middle-earth.
Research family trees
before adding to them. Your character's family history is implausible.
There are no royalty
of Rivendell. Rivendell is Elrond's private property, not a kingdom.
Elrond isn't a king.
He's lord of the valley with his house in it. The only kings in Middle-earth at
this time are Théoden and Thranduil.
Rivendell is Elrond's private property, not a city.
Mirkwood is not a happy little forest. Remember The
Hobbit? It is incredibly dark and foreboding and infested with huge spiders.
King Thranduil has no palace. He lives in an underground complex of caves.
Writing
Please find a beta reader
(an editor) because there are a few grammatical and spelling errors in your
story.Please double-space
your paragraphs! It’s really hard to read when they are all run together like
this.
Here is a quick grammar
lesson. These are the correct ways to write quotes:
He said, "Hail."
"Hail," he said.
"Hail."
Pay special attention to the punctuation and
capitalization.
Did you know that girls can be blonde;
boys can be blond; and hair can be blond? Look at the way the word
"blond(e)" is spelled. Now you know how to use this word.
Look up the names
of characters and places in Middle-earth; you spelled a few of them wrong.
Don’t call elven women “she-elves”.
In the first place, Tolkien never used that word, and second, in the movie, it
was used as a derogatory term. Liken it to calling someone a bitch. In its
place use “elven woman”, “elf-maid” or even, “elleth”.
The dialogue is out of place in Middle-earth and full of anachronisms. Here's a helpful article written
about it[http://realelvish.net/middle-earthdialogue.php
You are using "lord"
and "lady" incorrectly. Those words aren't like "Miss",
"Mrs.", "Ms." and "Mr." in English. The titles
"lord" and "lady" are reserved for landowners and very high
political titles.
You ought to find a better way to transition between the characters’ Point Of View.
Instead of announcing the POV shift, write it into the story. For example:
“She smiled and turned away.
Watching her back recede, Frodo thought he saw her hand
flick a tear from her cheek.”
Versus:
“She smiled and turned away.
(Frodo’s POV)
‘She looks sad,’ he thought.”
Linguistic
You should read this essay by Nurvingiel about using
Elvish in dialogue[http://nurvingiel.bravehost.com/RandomElvish.htmlYou are forgetting the accent
in "nîn". "Nin" means "me" not "my".
"Nîn" means "my". I wouldn't have a problem with the
missing accents if they didn't change the meaning of the phrase so much.
Because of the understood verb "to be" in Sindarin, "ion
nin" means "son is me", and that's not what you want.
I know that adding Elvish to your story is a cool gimmick,
but alas, you aren't using one of Tolkien's Elven languages. You were using a
language made up by a couple of role players on Grey-company.org for their own made up world, which has nothing to do
with Tolkien or The Lord of the Rings. Their language is called
"Grelvish" by the rest of us. It is often mistaken for Tolkien's
language because it has a few similarities to it. Here are a few phrase books
of real, Tolkien-Elvish. You'll want Sindarin, because the other Elven
languages have died out of usage by this time period.
http://realelvish.net/phasebooks.php
http://councilofelrond.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=Content&file=index&action=ViewContent&cid=9
http://forodrim.org/daeron/md_parl.html
http://cricketmag.com/activity_display.a s p?id=566
I know that adding Elvish to your story is a cool gimmick,
but alas, you are using Elvish from Arwen-Undómiel.com.
The person who made the phrasebook of the website plagiarized a few other
phrasebooks of questionable quality and mixed them with other sources of good
quality without labeling where she got what. Therefore, you have no idea how to
tell what is good and what isn't or what is Sindarin and what is Quenya either.
Its name lists are even worse. The maker admits to changing Elven words
randomly to make them sound "more Elvish", giving masculine names a
feminine name ending, and mixing Elven languages haphazardly without labeling
anything. Here are a few good sources for Elvish. You'll want Sindarin, because
the other Elven languages have died out of usage by this time period.
http://realelvish.net
http://uib.no/People/hnohf/
http://www.councilofelrond.com/
http://forodrim.org/daeron/md_home.html
Names are sacred things to Elves,
and Elves name in Elvish, so your character should have an Elvish name. If you
need help making one, e-mail me and we'll get good names figured out, or check
out this website[http://realelvish.net
Names are sacred things to Elves, and Elves name in
Elvish, so your Elven characters should have Elvish names. If you need help
making them e-mail me, and we'll get good names figured out, or check out this
website [http://realelvish.net
The people of Gondor
name in Elvish, so your character should have an Elvish name. If you need help
making one, e-mail me and we'll get good names figured out, or check out this
website[http://realelvish.net
The people of Gondor name in Elvish, so your characters
should have Elvish names. If you need help making them e-mail me, and we'll get
good names figured out, or check out this website[http://realelvish.net
No Elf takes a name
from something or someone else. To do so would be trying to make yourself the
person you are stealing the name from, in other words, identity theft
Elven-style. If you need help making an original name for your character e-mail
me and we'll get a few good names figured out, or check out this website[http://realelvish.net
No Elf takes a name from something or someone else. To
do so would be trying to make yourself the person you are stealing the name
from, in other words, identity theft Elven-style. If you need help making
original names for your characters, e-mail me and we'll get a few good names
figured out, or check out this website[http://realelvish.net
The Rohirrim name
in Westron (replaced by Old English). If you need help making a name, e-mail me
and we'll get a good name figured out, or check out this website[http://realelvish.net
The Rohirrim name in Westron (replaced by Old English).
If you need help making names, e-mail me and we'll get a few good names figured
out, or check out this website[http://realelvish.net
Elves don't call each other by nicknames;
it would be rude. Names are sacred to the Elves; to call someone by only part
of their name would be saying, "I don't care enough about you to say your
name." Hobbits were the only creatures to use nicknames in Middle-earth.
Elves give Lore Names instead. (see my profile or this website[http://realelvish.net)
After King Thingol banned Quenya,
Quenya names died out of usage in Middle-earth. Just translate the names into a
dialect of Sindarin. E-mail me if you need help.
Rules
Did you know that there's a crossover
section here? To find it, go to the homepage and click on Misc.By the way:
"November 21st, 2005
-- New features added.
1. Private Messaging: Registered members can now message
each other without revealing or needing one's email address. Messaging link is
displayed at the top of every member profile. Messages are delivered via email
like our review alert system.
2. Review Reply: Authors may now reply to signed reviews
via a link provided in updated review alert or using the "reply" link
displayed next to each signed review. Please note the reply is not displayed on
the site but emailed to the reviewer. Only one reply is allowed per signed
review.
Putting "review responses" within story chapters
is now unnecessary and more importantly, not allowed."
Don’t put song lyrics
into the story that are not in public domain (a Christmas carol is in public
domain) or that you didn’t write. That’s plagiarism, and this website will
remove your story if it is reported. [http://www.fanfiction.net/guidelines/
Please write your own story.
All I see here is the movie script with a few words changed here and there.
We're tired of getting the movie recited to us. It is boring and blatant
plagiarism. [http://www.fanfiction.net/guidelines/
End
And lastly, please look at this website. It WILL benefit
you in the end. It looks like you have an active imagination, put it to work[http://oddlots.digitalspace.net/PPC/SueTestLOTR.htm
Here's another one[http://lotrscrapbook.bookloaf.net/other/marysue.htmlGalu a teithad vain! (Good fortune and fair writing!)
Navaer Lalaith
The moral of the story:
Tolkien spent 3/4th of his life working on Arda. It wouldn’t hurt you to spend a few minutes with a spell-checker.
FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination
