ATTENTION: I am back online. The world shudders.

“tick, tick, tick, tick, (continues) The sound you are hearing is not a technical problem. It is not a musical cue. It is not a joke. It is the sound of one man's mounting anxiety. I ... am that man. ...Hi.”-Jonathan Larson, Tick… Tick… BOOM!

Despite my feminine attributes, I think for the current moment this quotes defines me well. I’m seventeen, on the tail end of the awkward age, balancing on tiptoes before the edge of adult hood, trying desperatly not to fall and yet, knowing if I don’t jump sometime, I’m going to be pushed. And I hate being forced into anything.

Perhaps I’m just lazy. That would explain a lot, I suppose. But more likely I’m simply scared, a wonderful, gutless, spineless coward like everyone else. I’m clinging desperately to some vague sense of childhood, I guess, what with my obsession with my old movies. Childhood movies, movies that, really, shouldn’t be watched by anyone over the age of ten. But I watch them. I love them. I watch the adult movies too, but there truly is nothing more satisfying than watching a beloved children’s movie, one not seen for years, and finally understanding all those adult jokes that went clear over you head before. For example, I was watching “The Elm-Chanted Forest” not long ago. Happy little film. Terrible songs and disgraceful dialogue, but I still adore it. I still love Thistle. If I could only find a solid fanfic to write about him… but I digress. The Elm-Chanted Forest. I was watching it, and I suddenly realized, Michael J. Mushroom was Michael Jackson. Or at least, I think he is. And it that one scene, the one at the end of their song about mushroom power? Peter Pallet is stoned. Him and all the little mushrooms down there are so damn high that if they were outside, once they sobered up (Is sobered up even the correct term for coming off a high?) they’d have broken their necks from the fall.

Looking back on these paragraphs, all I can think is, “I don’t write nearly as nicely in my stories. How did I do that?” But I don’t think my writing is too terrible, but then no one can be an accurate judge of themselves now, can they?

But while we’re discussing fanfiction, I have a few points I feel I should share with the world. Get out of my system.

I think all stories that are discontinued before completion should be deleted. Yes, deleted. You see, they’re taking up valuable space, and nothing has been more frustrating to me as a reader than to diligently follow a story, only to find that I will never know how the author would have ended it. Hiatuses are fine. I know perfectly well how the ideas in one’s head can pile up, and sometimes, you have to shut things off and work on others one at a time. That’s fine. When eleventy-hundred ideas aren’t warring out of my head, I find it enriches my writing. And when I’m reading, and a story I love has been taken out of hiatus, I find the writing has vastly improved, for now the author has the experience of at least one completed work behind them. And I can understand writer’s block as well. I grappled with it on and off for years while writing "The Shadow Men". In the words of someone or other, “A blank page is God’s way of showing you how hard it is to be God.” But blatantly abandoning a story without putting it down properly is personally infuriating. If you dislike your own story so much that you can’t continue it, apologize to your readers, if you have any, take it quietly out back and shoot it. It’s painful, I know. It’s hard. I’ve done it. All I can say is, if you can’t kill it entirely, keep it saved on file somewhere where you can find it, many, many years from now, dust it off and say, “You know… I think I can write this. I think I can finish it. It’s not as bad as I thought.”

And another thing. What really irks me about writing these damn summaries, besides the horrendously short amount of space we have to write them in, is when I’m browsing through a list of stories, and I see one that says, “I’m bad/suck/terrible/horrible at writing summaries.” I’m sorry, but I don’t feel for you. You’ve wasted precious summary space griping about how bad you are at writing summaries. Am I being too harsh? Or am I not alone in seeing this as a terribly bizarre paradox? Or perhaps an oxymoron? I don’t know, I’m not a dictionary. But I’ll share I little secret with you all, since you’re reading through this, you may as well take home one little gem, although I warn you, it might wind up being one of those sticker jewels you pop off those twenty-five cent plastic rings at Shop N’ Save (No… it’s Hannaford’s now…): No one is good at writing summaries. Maybe I’m wrong, I’m sure I am, I’m sure one or two of you out there can write a stellar two sentence summary explaining your masterpiece, but their ain’t many of you and I ain’t one of ya. I swear, it’s near impossible. All you can really try to do is pick out the most interesting part of your story, dilute it into five or six words, throw in the names of the central characters and pray someone is interested enough to follow through to the first chapter. Really, it’s all luck of the draw. I say invest your time in a killer title, that’s what always draws me in. That, and decent spelling, capitalization and punctuation. If you look like you know what you’re doing, you can bluff your way through the rest. Of course, I’m also a word counter. I glance at your story’s word and chapter count, then roughly average it to see about how many words you’ve got in each. If there aren’t about a thousand or so words per chapter, and the summary bores or discourages me, there’s almost a nil chance I’ll read it. But that’s just me. But hey you know what? I almost always review, so you can all just forgive me.

You know, I think there desperately needs to be a “Little Shop of Horrors” section. Does anyone know how to petition this? Because I just passed through my Audrey II hunt, and I find it discouraging that there are so many LSoH fics that must share their homes with other musicals.

Well, I’m running out of things to gripe about. This is a first. I’m afraid I’ll have to resort to the tried-and-true method of actually TELLING you about myself.

As I’ve said before, I’m seventeen, and I’m female. I like all sorts of things, from Sesame Street to Sweeney Todd (Not Tim Burton’s movie, but the original Broadway singers, Len Cariou (Or was it George Hearney? They both played the part, but I'm not sure who came first.) and Angela Lansbury. When it’s Sondheim you’re dealing with, the singing is key. And I don’t think Depp can sing. Neither can the lady playing Lovett. Oh, Depp, you’re a beautiful, beautiful maybe-gay pirate and a heart-wrenching scissor-handed man, and I’m sure you’d be a powerful, heartstopping Demon Barber of Fleet Street if only you didn’t sing! Yes, I’m a purist! Yes, I’m judgemental! Yes, I’m comparing you to a thirty-year-old recording but my, GOD, man, you can not nasally mumble “There’s a hole in the world like a great black pit/And it’s filled with people who are filled with shit/ And the vermin of the world inhabit it!” My God, there is power in those words! A writhing, flaming torrent of power, with the possibility of an electric infectious emotion eminating from every syllable! I’ve felt the glowing rage, the trembling despair of Sweeney Todd, of Benjiman Barker in those words before, and you MUMBLED THROUGH IT!! AND HOW DARE YOU BOTH ACT SO FRIGGIN' BORED DURING "HISTORY OF THE WORLD"!! But you, boy who played Toby: You're great, I love you. You outsang everyone there.)

I’m sorry, I take things very personal, and I could delete that, but I won’t. Let it stand as a shining monument to what has been, what could have been, to be read and considered, and thought of and talked of. Or just leave it there because I'm lazy. That sounds good.

Oh, I’m going to get lynched by rabid Depp fans for this… I just know it.

But you know what? I’m in America. Supposedly I’m allowed my freedom of speech, and I will take that dying shield with me to my grave. And make no mistake, it is indeed a dying shield.

I’m a pacifist you know, but that doesn’t mean that once in a while, I don’t want to give some little jackass a nice jaw-breaking uppercut once in awhile. I think violence is unnecessary in our time and age. By now we should be ready to release these cutthroat impulses bestowed upon us by years of survival and evolution, join hands and care for one another. Of course, this is coming from the girl who looks for solid wisdom and deeper meaning in Johnny the Homicidal Maniac and Monty Python.

I have several personal heros. Among them are people I've met, such as my mother and cousin, people who are common heros, such as Benjamin Franklin and Ghandi, and some of them who are fairly obscure, like Bill Hicks.

I collect quotes. I like quotes. I like reading them, over and over. I treasure them. I like to make sure that certain things, certain words, aren’t left to die and be lost by dispersing sound. So I capture them, and write them down. And I collect books of quotes for the people whose words I missed. If words are power, my army is growing.

And so, I leave you with a few more quotes, perhaps a few more thoughts of my own, to mull over as you make your merry way across the Internet. Interweb. Whatever you want to call it.

“What luck for rulers that men do not think.”-Adolf Hitler.

Now before your Nazi alarms go off, I want you to slow down for a minute. Look the quote over. And remember, this was said by both a monster and a leader. Think, little people. We don’t want another one.

An Author’s (Or writer’s, I suppose) Prayer:

Our Father, who art in Heaven, and hath also written a book…

I’m not really that religious. Yes, I find theology fascinating, but the main reason I put this here is because it’s relevant. We’re all writers here, and we could use something to help the writer’s block.

“Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.”- R.A. Dickson

“No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.” George Jean Nathan

“The best audience is intelligent, well educated, and a little drunk.” –Alben W. Barkley

“Abort the fetal position!” –Tom, Without a Paddle

“There ain’t no rules around here! We’re trying to accomplish something!”-Thomas Edison

“Success isn’t permanent, and failure isn’t fatal.”-Mike Ditka

“If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”-Bill Lyon

“Spain famously goes and says “Thou shalt now be Spanish, even if it kills you!” And it did kill them.”- Mr. O’Mahoney

“I can speak Italian- Pa-sta.”-Ian

“I exist… I think.” –Ian

“Turn the light on, we’ve gotta have an argument!” –Mr. O’Mahoney

“The meek shall inherit the earth… if you don’t mind.”-Graffito

O’Mahoney: … And then, as the final violin string, the final musical touch, there to make you weep with patriotic joy, is a big American flag!

Dana: And a small gift shop.