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| Faux Promises |
Author has written 35 stories for Tales of Symphonia, World Ends With You, Portal, and Team Fortress 2. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. x x x x x A lunatic is just a minority of one. x x x x x Oim an angry Aussie bloke who doesn't shower an' collects moi own piss! Think oi wanna 'ave sex with Spoi! Bettah angst about it for foive pages 'fore we 'ave a go at it without any lube! x x x x x Author Stats as of May 4, 2013: You are on the favorites list of 117 members. You are on the author alert list of 100 members. You have submitted a total of 760 signed reviews. Total words archived: 180,496 words. Average number of words per story: 5,014 Total views to Profile Page: 17,990 x x x x x I am Faux, renegade fandom-dweller and writer of all topics and pairings that you don't care about. Here are my rules. 1. I am not going to be nice to you because you have an army of fangirls. 2. I am not going to be nice to you because you're underage. 3. I am not going to give out servile praise. 4. If I do praise your writing, I do mean it. Here's an actual profile now: Birthday: 2/8/1991 Gender: Phee-male. Location: Northern California Zodiac: Aquarius in the Western one, Horse in the Chinese one. For all of my life I thought I was a Sheep, but then I found out I was born right near the cusp of where the signs change and was actually a Horse. Alignment: Chaotic Neutral, according to the official test. :) Bands: The Postal Service, They Might Be Giants, Evanescence, No Doubt, The Hush Sound, Audioslave, Red Hot Chili Peppers, REM, Cake, Everclear, Weezer, Reel Big Fish. Shows: Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Invader Zim, South Park, Dragonball Z, My Little Pony: FiM, Chowder, Flapjack, MST3K, Ghost Adventures, Tru TV's World's Dumbest, Beavis & Butthead, Samurai Jack. Movies: Pirates of the Caribbean (the first two only, third one sucked), K-PAX, Team America, I Robot, Wild Wild West, Sweeney Todd, 1408, WALL-E. Games: Mostly, RPGs. Final Fantasy series, Tales of Symphonia, Fallout, Borderlands, Team Fortress 2, Left 4 Dead, Katamari series, Harvest Moon, Portal, World Ends With You, Disgaea, Okage, Okami, Spyro the Dragon, Crash Bandicoot, Dark Cloud. I like video games a lot and probably will for the rest of my life. ;p They're mentally stimulating, if you know which ones to play. Likes: Reading, writing, Photoshop experimenting, video games, talking to animals, the smell after it rains, warm places, debating, analyzing problems that are way beyond my control, all-weather friends, baking, explaining things to other people, improper fractions, getting top comment on Youtube, laughing until I have tears in my eyes, collecting things, being right. Dislikes: Slash. I'm cutting out the long explanation here. I just don't like reading it. I'm so sorry to everyone if that personally offends you, but it's really not your right to tell me what I should enjoy reading. Nobody ever criticizes the weeaboos who exclusively read and write slash (or usually yaoi) but if you don't like slash you're suddenly some kind of homophobe. Which is just an idiotic word to begin with, just like 'racist', that people use to fling at anyone who dares to disagree with their group mindset. Spare me the argument as to why not reading slash is offensive to gays, but portraying homosexuality as strongly rooted in rape/pedophilia/promiscuity isn't offensive. I also don't read (non-trolling) porn on here. Of course, that means I don't write it either. I do not hold anything against people who do enjoy slash and/or porn, I just don't like it myself. Fandom Guide For Beginners as quoted by [redacted] Step 1.) Insert yourself into fandom you have no real business being in. You don't give a jack shit about anything or anyone in it, aside from one or two pretty faces, those faces you've most assuredly fantasized and exaggerated the actual prettiness of thanks to being an anime obsessed weeaboo who can't see anything beyond bishi uguu kawaii yaoi desu gays r' hawt! Step 2.) Reduce the character or characters you've so obviously devoted every moment of your life to, to a simple pair of genitals. Bonus points if you know absolutely nothing about those genitals but you pretend like you do, and everyone else believes it! Or better yet... project yourself into that character! That way all of your mental instabilities, insecurities, disturbing behavioral issues, TMI fucked up sexual perversions, and all other creepy socially unacceptable personal quirks will show through to everyone else in the public space! Write what you know...and what do you know better than yourself...and how awful a human being you are! Step 3.) Create an endless stream of horrifying kawaii uguu rape-porn sex fetishizing fantasies for yourself to wank to on those lonely, lonely nights, remembering the previous step. The character's canon personality shouldn't come through in the slightest. This is your personal porno fantasy, right? Besides, nobody wants to see you portray the canon character(s) you've latched onto as a shallow means of sexual self-gratification as how they are in the actual canon, aka somewhat reasonably intelligent beings with dignity and the ability to focus on something other than fucking and masturbating or listening to Linkin Park CDs while cutting themselves. No one will understand how cruel the world is to a Transtrending Goth Omisexual Multiple System Based Na'vi Nekojin Sephiroth Goddess Soulbonder unless you tell them, and what better way to do it than using your favorite fictional character who is absolutely nothing like you as a mouthpiece! Step 4.) Inexplicably gain a giant fanbase of mindless drones who worship the genital fluid soaked ground you walk on. Step 5.) Direct that drooling hive-mind to help you to strike down anyone who dares suggest in the slightest that some people out there do read fanfic and search for fanart based directly on canon, not on some raging adult-child sick fuck's personal fuck fetish fantasy. Fans who don't know or care jack shit about canon and are only hanging around a fandom for free porn handouts of their favorite fanon interpreted bishies are the easiest to manipulate into doing whatever you want. Nobody can bad talk you for this, either. You're only doing it for For Great Social Justice, Desu!! Those people who think opinions outside your own are totally stupid canon Nazi Fundie gay haters who are jealous of your amazing writing or art skillz and popularity. Be sure to remind them of that every time you post a whiny counter-rant about them and their shitty opinion and then block them from ever responding to you. Step 6.) Reduce all opposition to zero through constant harassment and fear brought on by you and your hordes of White Knights. Congratulations now you and your buddies own the entire fucking fandom! You may now fap and produce whatever insanely OOC fuckery you please to your content without worrying about somebody expressing an alternative opinion to yours. | |||||||
1. Thick As Thieves » reviewsHe had never thought himself a good man, but he was her man. Anthology of shorts, Spy/ScoutMa, varying ratings, very mild sexual content.Team Fortress 2 - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 17 - Words: 31,041 - Reviews: 72 - Updated: 5-23-13 - Published: 1-1-13 - Spy & Scout2. How The Spy Trolled TF2 reviews'The Grinch Who Stole Christmas' spinoff. Read at your own peril. It's so totes pure poetry.Team Fortress 2 - Rated: T - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,330 - Reviews: 8 - Published: 12-18-12 - Complete3. MY OTP reviewsTHIS IS THE BEST STORY EVER. MERASMUS X ARCHIMEDES DON'T READ IF YOU ARE A BIRDSEXAPHOBE.Team Fortress 2 - Rated: T - English - Romance/Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 765 - Reviews: 20 - Published: 11-24-12 - Archimedes & Merasmus - Complete4. Meet the Fandom reviewsThe cast isn't complete without the fans. Right? ...Right?Team Fortress 2 - Rated: T - English - Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,085 - Reviews: 25 - Published: 6-20-12 - Complete5. Undefinable » reviewsWords prompts for Portal 1&2 based closely on canon. All characters included, but GLaDOS and Chell feature most prominently.Portal - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 2 - Words: 9,190 - Reviews: 14 - Updated: 5-3-12 - Published: 4-24-12 - Chell & GLaDOS6. SEXY TIEMUU reviewsThe cast of Portal makes an amateur sex tape. Now 20% less canon!Portal - Rated: M - English - Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 880 - Reviews: 36 - Published: 4-4-12 - Wheatley & Chell - Complete7. Square One » reviewsThe surface world isn't as wonderful as Chell had anticipated when she stepped out of that lift. But sometimes ending up back where you started isn't the worst thing that can happen. A story about fate, forgiveness, and sacrifices.Portal - Rated: K - English - Friendship/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 10 - Words: 19,403 - Reviews: 117 - Updated: 3-19-12 - Published: 11-28-11 - Chell & GLaDOS - Complete8. Requiem reviewsMusic belonged to the humans, but she thought perhaps it was a language she could understand as well. One-shot.Portal - Rated: K - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 894 - Reviews: 6 - Published: 11-13-11 - GLaDOS - Complete9. Empty Nest Syndrome reviewsGLaDOS doesn't like to let things go. One-shot.Portal - Rated: K+ - English - Friendship/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,669 - Reviews: 14 - Published: 10-14-11 - GLaDOS & Chell - Complete10. Eye of the Beholder reviewsA spider provokes a conversation between Aperture's queen and her favorite subject. Short one-shot.Portal - Rated: K - English - Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,346 - Reviews: 18 - Published: 9-6-11 - Chell & GLaDOS - Complete11. To Err Is Human » reviewsGLaDOS was never a human, but she certainly came as flawed as one. Fortunately, with error comes enlightenment. 7 Deadly Sins themed collection of one-shots.Portal - Rated: T - English - Friendship - Chapters: 7 - Words: 13,776 - Reviews: 62 - Updated: 8-28-11 - Published: 7-27-11 - GLaDOS & Chell - Complete12. Aperture Teen Hunger Force reviewsThe Aqua Teens find themselves test subjects at Aperture. And GLaDOS gets the pleasure of dealing with their stupidity.Portal - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,703 - Reviews: 11 - Published: 7-19-11 - GLaDOS13. AI Love You reviewsChell is torn between the two loves of her life. One-shot parody-crack.Portal - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 997 - Reviews: 19 - Published: 7-17-11 - GLaDOS & Wheatley - Complete14. Double Blind reviewsChell sleeps, and GLaDOS contemplates. One-shot, quasi fluffy.Portal - Rated: K - English - Family/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,344 - Reviews: 10 - Published: 7-11-11 - GLaDOS & Chell - Complete15. Occam's Razor reviewsThe simplest solution may be the best, but it isn't always the easiest. Dealing with the truth never is. One-shot, GLaDOS-and-Chell centric.Portal - Rated: K - English - Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,890 - Reviews: 15 - Published: 7-4-11 - GLaDOS & Chell - Complete16. Revisionist History reviewsA slightly unwilling GLaDOS tells Chell's daughter about her mother's crazy adventures. One-shot, kinda fluff.Portal - Rated: K - English - Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,363 - Reviews: 20 - Updated: 6-17-11 - Published: 6-15-11 - GLaDOS - Complete17. Perfect Circle reviewsChell arrives at Aperture with a special someone and a request. One-shot, fluff ahoy.Portal - Rated: K - English - Family/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,760 - Reviews: 58 - Published: 6-11-11 - GLaDOS & Chell - Complete18. Common Denominator reviewsTrust had never existed between them before, but they certainly were getting closer to it. One-shot fluff/introspect.Portal - Rated: K+ - English - Family/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,257 - Reviews: 8 - Published: 5-31-11 - GLaDOS & Chell - Complete19. Convergence » reviewsTheir paths had intersected many times, but they had yet to truly see eye to eye. Chell returns to Aperture to see an old friend. Two-shot.Portal - Rated: K+ - English - Family/Friendship - Chapters: 2 - Words: 6,583 - Reviews: 52 - Updated: 5-12-11 - Published: 5-7-11 - GLaDOS & Chell - Complete20. Inertia reviewsInertia. The resistance to change. A chronological look inside the mind of GLaDOS through Portal and Portal 2.Portal - Rated: K+ - English - Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,065 - Reviews: 18 - Published: 4-28-11 - GLaDOS - Complete21. Harmonie reviewsMy dear, beautiful child...farewell. The formerly wicked AI bids Chell goodbye. One-shot based on the connection between Chell, GLaDOS, and Caroline.Portal - Rated: T - English - Family/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 950 - Reviews: 10 - Published: 4-22-11 - GLaDOS - Complete22. Redacted reviewsFree at last, Chell can't help but think back on her terrifying adventure and the insane computer she had somehow managed to tame. Chell and GLaDOS centric.Portal - Rated: K - English - Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,175 - Reviews: 11 - Published: 4-22-11 - Complete23. Ghosts reviewsReturned to power once again, Aperture's rightful ruler reflects on her experiences. GLaDOS-centric ficlet.Portal - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 719 - Reviews: 8 - Published: 4-21-11 - GLaDOS - Complete24. Blindspot reviewsHe didn't know why she couldn't see his dilemma, but then again, there were many things he was blind to as well. Sheelos, one-shot.Tales of Symphonia - Rated: K+ - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,272 - Reviews: 6 - Published: 2-17-11 - Sheena F. & Zelos W. - Complete25. Five Steps reviewsGrief had brought them together, always there in every touch and every kiss. They had never known any other way to live. Sheelos, oneshot.Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,894 - Reviews: 10 - Published: 1-6-11 - Zelos W. & Sheena F. - Complete26. Moment By Moment » reviewsMore powerful than even time, there is love. It transcends minutes, days, and years, for it exists eternally in each and every moment. A tale of Sheena and Zelos for each month of the year. Sheelos.Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 12 - Words: 33,350 - Reviews: 114 - Updated: 12-26-10 - Published: 1-3-09 - Zelos W. & Sheena F. - Complete27. Mezzo Forte reviewsRhyme, and a bit of piano practice. Oneshot, Joshyme.World Ends With You - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,810 - Reviews: 7 - Published: 6-24-10 - Yoshiya K./Joshua & Rhyme B. - Complete28. Cheshire reviewsShe recognized that smile from somewhere, but she just couldn't quite make the connection. Oneshot, Joshyme if you squint.World Ends With You - Rated: K - English - Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,150 - Reviews: 7 - Published: 6-13-10 - Yoshiya K./Joshua & Rhyme B. - Complete29. Surface Tension reviewsThings kept getting thinner between them with each passing day. And how much more of it could they take, before the ice would shatter from beneath them? He didn't like to imagine it. Sheelos, oneshot.Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,056 - Reviews: 13 - Published: 9-10-08 - Zelos W. & Sheena F. - Complete30. A Rose Unseen reviewsThe rose, most beloved of flowers, does not yield to those who would seek to steal it. Instead it nestles in a bed of thorns so that it may never see harm befall it. And so the world would see the rose wither, in its solitude, untended. Sheelos oneshot.Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,712 - Reviews: 9 - Published: 7-27-08 - Sheena F. & Zelos W. - Complete31. Amaranthine reviewsHer beauty was as eternal as the moon, always on his mind even when time and distance stood in between them. He would never let her fade. Love was just too precious to let slip through his fingers. Sheelos, oneshot.Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,242 - Reviews: 6 - Published: 7-8-08 - Sheena F. & Zelos W. - Complete32. Every Fleeting Glance reviewsThe cute little waitress from Mizuho. A young Zelos had not quite realized what it was about her that was so very fascinating. Just that there were words he wanted to say, and so little time to say them. Sheelos, oneshot.Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 8,622 - Reviews: 9 - Published: 1-22-08 - Zelos W. & Sheena F. - Complete33. Fireside Vigil reviewsThe moment she saw the falling snow, pure white and oh so reminiscent, Sheena could sense that he would need all tenderness she could offer. It was, and always had been, her duty. Sheelos wintery oneshot.Tales of Symphonia - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,595 - Reviews: 12 - Published: 12-23-07 - Zelos W. & Sheena F. - Complete34. The Swan's Call reviewsSheena didn't expect that night to bring her any comfort, nor relief from the pains of solitude. But then, one never knows exactly when one's life will change forever. The heart always has room for one more miracle. Sheelos oneshot.Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,078 - Reviews: 8 - Published: 8-22-07 - Zelos W. & Sheena F. - Complete35. Small Surprises reviewsWith summer comes new life, and warm spirits as well. On that particular rainy afternoon, an anxious Sheena and her ever-present annoyance that is Zelos found themselves caring for a misplaced animal. Sheelos, oneshot.Tales of Symphonia - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,317 - Reviews: 7 - Published: 8-20-07 - Sheena F. & Zelos W. - Complete
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