Author has written 4 stories for Twilight, Harry Potter, and Percy Jackson and the Olympians.
Fav books: TWILIGHT SAGA, FIFTY SHADES TRILOGY, HARRY POTTER, THE HUNGER GAMES, CATCHING FIRE, MOCKINGJAY,Percy Jackson Series
Fav movies: TWILIGHT, THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON (Not the ending...that sucked), THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE, THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PT. 1 Percy Jackson, LOTR, Harry Potter, National treasure, National Treasure: Book of Secrets
Fav TV Shows: Grays Anatomy, Private Practice, American Idol, Gilmore Girls, Charmed, 24, Fringe
A wise man once said that a black man would be President when pigs fly. Sure enough, 100 days into Obama's presidency swine flu.
Three men and a Genie
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Marine are all walking together one day. They come
across a lantern ...
And a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you
one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also
farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in
POOF! With the blink of t he Genie's eye, the land in
Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan , Pakistan , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels,
Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye,
there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Marine says, "I am very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall." The Genie explains,
"Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely
surrounds those countries. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable."
The Marine sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says,
"Fill it with water."
EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pasture.
But the most compelling evidence of all -- 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
You know you live in 2008 when...
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or my space
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.
11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did
FRIENDS: Never ask anything to eat or drink
BEST FRIENDS: Help themselves and is the reason you never have any food
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. Mrs and grandma and grandpa
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents MOM and DAD GRAMS AND GRANDPA
FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying "Fuck,we really messed up"
FRIENDS: Never seen you cry
BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell anyone else you cry... just laugh about it when your not down anymore
FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall
BEST FRIENDS: Continues walking while saying, "Walk much dumb ass?"
FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain
BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "RUN, BITCH RUN!"
FRIENDS: Will comfort you when your rejected.
BEST FRIENDS: Will go up to him and say, "It's because your gay isn't it?"
FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail
BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "THAT WAS AWESOME, LETS DO IT AGAIN!!"
FRIENDS: Ask you to write down your number
BEST FRIENDS: Asks for their own number
FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff and gives it back a few days later
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "my bad .. heres a tissue"
FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography about your life
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if thats what everyone else is doing
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd asses that left you
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door
BEST FRIENDS: Would walk right in and say,"IM HOME"
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell
FRIENDS: Are through high school /college (drinking buddies)
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life
FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away when they think youve had enough
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say,"Girl drink the rest of that you know we dont waste
FRIENDS: Will be their when he breaks up with you
BEST FRIENDS: Will prank call him saying, "You have seven days to live"
FRIENDS: Will go to the concert with you
BEST FRIENDS: Will kidnap the band with you
FRIENDS: Help you up, when you fall
BEST FRIENDS: Laugh their asses off because they tripped you
FRIENDS: Ask you for your address
BEST FRIENDS: Practically live at your house
FRIENDS: Accidentally leave their stuff at your house and pick it up in a day or two
BEST FRIENDS: Leave their stuff at your house and come back in a week to pick it up
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool... and alot of the songs fit with the setting
Opening Credits: For Always (live) – Josh Groban
Waking Up: Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word – Elton John
First Day At School: Smile Like You Mean It – The Killers
Falling In Love: Don’t Let it End - Styx
Fight Song: My Girl - Aerosmith
Breaking Up: I Go to Extremes – Billy Joel
Prom night: All Through the Night – Cyndi Lauper
Life: The Battle of Evermore – Led Zeppelin
Mental Breakdown: It’s Your Love – Faith Hill
Driving: In God’s Country – U2
Flashback: Under Pressure - Queen
Getting back together: The God That Failed - Metallica
Wedding: The Only Exception – Paramore
Birth of Child: Total Eclipse of the Heart - Westlife
Final Battle: Meaning – Gavin Degraw
Funeral Song: Have I Told You Lately That I Love You? – Van Morrison
Final Credits: My Immortal – Evanescence
What is a 710 knob?
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine,
I have lost it and need a new one.. ' She replied that she did not know exactly what it was,
but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and
asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'
She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 is Click on this http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg
This was really funny
You're a 90's kid if:
You can finish this 'ice ice _'
You remember watching Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain, Bobby's World, Felix the cat, The Tick...AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"
You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin west philidelphia born and raised . . ."
You remember TGIF, Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World.
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not
If you remember seeing hot tub bubbles make bubbly sounds before every music video on VH1.
when everything was settled by rock paper scissors..or bubble gum bubble gum in a dish...eeny meeny miney mo...and even better daddy had a donkey inky binky bonky.
You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time.
"Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" was both a game and a TV game show.
Captain Planet. He's a Hero.
You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together.
You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular.
You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.
You remember watching Home Alone 1, 2 , and 3 . . . and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"
You remember watching The Magic School Bus, Wishbone, and Reading Rainbow on PBS.
You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
You remember those Where's Waldo books.
You remember eating Warheads.
You remember watching the 1st Batman, Aladdin, Ninja Turtles, and 3 Ninjas movies.
You remember Ring Pops.
You remember drinking Surge, and Tang.
If you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"
When they made the new lunchables so that you could make pizza AND tacos.
You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
Making those little paper cootie-catcher things, and then predicting your life with them.
You played and/or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.
. . . Furbies
Saved By The Bell was the coolest show ever!
You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.
And Windows 95 was the best.
You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.
Michael Jordan was a king.
YIKES pencils and erasers were the stuff!
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.
You remember when the new Beanie Babies and Talking Elmo were always sold out.
You collected those Beanie Babies.
Mortal Kombat was awesome--the game and the movie
Gak was the coolest stuff invented.
Lambchop's song never ended.
The old dollar bills.
Silver dollars, which were cool to have.
You remember a time before the WB.
You collected all the Troll dolls
You had to read Weekly Reader's in class.
If you even know what an original walkman is.
You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.
You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said
You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"
You remember trying to collect all 150 original pokemon cards but never could and if you did you thought you were all that!
You remember Highlight's magazine.
You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.
You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.
Before the MySpace frenzy . . .
Before the Internet & text messaging . . .
Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .
Before MIKE JONES . . .
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .
Before Spongebob . . .
Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was 0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was The new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs.
When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off of our walkmans.
When gameboy was a brick.
You did MASH to figure out your future
When you weren't cool unless you had a Starter jacket.
Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.
Try it without looking at answers
1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator...)
4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number….
5) Add the digits together
Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL
is from the list below :
2. Nelson Mandela
5. Bill Gates
7. Brad Pitt
10. Barack Obama
PS. Stop picking different numbers. I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!
Now copy and paste this into your profile, and change your name in #9.
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you!
1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? On my lip...I walked into a wall.
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? New Moon, Twilight, The Joker, Pirates, and Tinkerbell posters
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP? Talk in my sleep & Grind my teeth.
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? Anything except rap
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? 12:21 am
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? To finish reading It By Stephen King
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS? My best friend.
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)? My Twilight Books
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5'5
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? No
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? sometimes
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? Don't know
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME FOR A GIRL? I don't know
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? blonde hair/Green eyes
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO? Don't know...and not worried about it right now
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? COFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEECOFFEE!!
17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING? Sausage
18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Popcorn
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED? I don't remember
22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY? Yes
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED? No
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND? Torrid
26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW? Yep
27. WHAT KIND IS IT? A dog and a bunch of fish
28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? Yes
29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? Just tell them
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: 3
31. BLONDS OR BRUNETTES? Brunette
32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN? My mom or sister
33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? My brother
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA? Yes
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES? I don't know
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS? Yes...Lauren Conrad
37. FIRST JOB? Library
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? No
40. WERE YOU DOING BEFORE FILLING THIS OUT? Watching Fringe
41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY? No
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? kindness and loyalty
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? No
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? to meet Robert Pattinson
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? 2...a boy and a girl...in that order
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No...But my name is in a song
47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? yes...when i can see him
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE? Aussie
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? sometimes
51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Ham
52. ANY BAD HABITS? bite my nails
53 WHAT CD ARE YOU MOST EMBARRASSED TO HAVE ON YOUR SHELF? none of them
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes
56. DO LOOKS MATTER? No
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? be mad at everyone
58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? um...don't have one
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? I forget
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? I don't know...a lot
62. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A KID? No
63. DO YOU USE SARCASM? yep
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE? Both
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? caring, loveable, polite, kind, ect.
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? anner
67. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE BAND/SINGER? Paramore
68. WHATS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? See top of profile
69. WHAT WAS YOUR ACT SAT SCORE? I don't want to disclose any of that information
70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? vanilla
71. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES? yes
72. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? Ummmm
you notice there isn't a #59? Or a #73? Well,this is number 73
74. WHATS THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR? 70mph
75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? Yes!
76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO? the TV
77. LAST THING YOU DRANK? Water
78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My grandma
79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX? Hair color/eyes
80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG? I don't know
81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE? I don't know
82. FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR? January...duh
83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN? Capicorn.
85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? Brunetter
86. EYE COLOR? hazel
89. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT? Chic-fil-a
90. YOU LIKE SUSHI? No
91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED? The Mentalist
92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? Jan. 14...My B-day
93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS? no
94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT? Republican
95. KISSES OR HUGS? both
96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? relationships
97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? a shirt
98. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE? Grand Marqui.
99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Max A Maximum Ride By James Patterson
100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE: I don't have one right now!
Things to Do in WalMart When Bored
1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
15.Grab alot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"
16. Pass out bananas to random people and snicker loudly when they take one.
17. Buy 350 cans of tuna and scream "THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT!! YOU HAVE TO PUT SOME BACK!!" when the cashier tells you the price.
18. Walk around looking confused in the CD section and ask people where you can find the CDs.
19. Start a fish-stick fight.
20. Walk up to random people, give them bear hugs, and say very loudly that you missed them and they never really did get that dandruf shampoo you recommended.
21. Jump in a cart and have a friend push you while you scream "The Germans are coming!"
22. Attempt to fly off a high shelf.
23. Run up to an employee and ask "Do you like me?" If they say no, yell out "You broke my heart, you evil monster! I'm telling the manager!" and start throwing canned tomatoes at them. If they say yes just to get you away, pat their shoulder, and say "What a shame because that girl over there" point to a random person "was just about to ask you to dinner."
24. Throw confetti on random people walking into the store.
25. Whisper "I know your 'little' secret" to people in the checkout lines.
26. Stand inside the freezer in the frozen food section.
27. Walk up to employees and whisper "I saw dead people...they want me to take you away...to aisle eight..."
28. Ask the clerk to make a page saying "If there is an Edward in the store, Bella is looking for you at the main info desk".
29. See how many cans of frosting you can open and thoroughly lick without getting caught.
30. Go to a person with a shopping cart full of merchandise and demand a ride in the basket.
31. Practice your juggling with a few Grade-A eggs.
32. Squeeze the cream-filled doughnuts.
33. Walk into the baby clothes section, pick up a pink baby dress, then throw it down and run away screaming that the pink bunnies of doom came back.
34. Bow to the display of T.Vs in the electronics section.
35. See if you can move the bottom can from the gigantic canned beet pyrami
36. Challenge people to duels in the back aisles with wrapping paper tubes.
37. Have a conversation with yourself loud enough so that people in the other aisles can hear you.
38. Throw things over one aisle into another one.
39. Mark out price tags with a sharpie
40. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"
41. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
42. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
43. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax.
44. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
45. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."
46. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store.
47. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
48. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
40. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
41. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
42. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
43. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)
50. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.
51. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
52. Play with the automatic doors.
53. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
54. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
55. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.
56. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
57. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
58. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies."
59. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.
60. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bed department.
61. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and when they say you didn't buy it there say, "Hm... I thought the customer was always right!"
62. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.
63. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.
64. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles.
65. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you can make.
66. Tune all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast.
67. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen you in so long." etc. See if they play along.
68. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
69. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles.
70. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem: my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones had winked off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that god damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
Grandmas Don't Know Everything
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'.
Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. (HaHaHa Funny)
Spread the Stupidity
Only in America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America ...do people order double c heeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America ...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli ' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! !
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A man was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned toward her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.'
The little 8 year-old girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the man, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don¹t know,' said the man, 'How about nuclear power?'
'OK' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A Horse, a Cow, a Deer and a Rabbit, all eat grass, the same stuff! Yet the Deer excretes big pellets, the Rabbit small ones, while the Cow turns out a flat patty, and the Horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger thinks about it and says. 'Hmmm, good question, I have no idea!'
'Well', the little girl responded opening her book again, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
Pick The Month You Were Born In:
2. (feb)~i needed
3.(mar)~i ran naked with
5.(may)~i had sex with
9.(sept)~i ran shirtless with
Pick The Day You Were Born On:
01.~two bi chicks
02.~a homeless guy
03.~ jacob black
05.~Barney the dinosaur
06.~ edward cullen
09.~my ex boy/girl friend
11. ~ a movie star
12.~the school slut
15.~a crack head
21.~ mike newton
26.~a glass of milk
27.~the kool-aid man
28.~a french fry
30.~a evil boy aka emo!
31.~jerry the snow man
Pick The Color Shirt You Are Wearing
white~because that hoe stole my taco
black~because im the sexiest beeoch alive
pink~because emmett told me to!
red~because i bringing sexy back yepp!
brown~ because bella is my freind
polka dots~my azz is perfecto!
purple~cuz im gangsta my home skillett biscut lol!
gray~because im kool like dat
other~because i have double d's
green~im a freak'n tree hugger thats why!
orange~because i look like lindsy lohan
maroon~because im a preppy
turquoise~because i love water yeah baby!
blue~because edward dazzles me!
tye dye~because im a fucking suba diver you got a problem with that didnt think so!
none~cuz i have a killer six pack
yellow~because i want chips!!
Put It All Together and Laugh Your Head Off!
I killed a drunk because Edward dazzles me! (Face it, it could so totally happen)
1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 81, and find line 4.
Poppy could feel mother's pain.
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch?
The end table in my living room
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
6:45 coming home from babysitting
8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
Reading fanfics, watching TV, and facebook
9. What are you wearing?
Jeans and a black and blue quater sleeve shirt
10. Did you dream last night?
11. When did you last laugh?
8-10pm During American Idol
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
Twilight, New Moon, Pirates, Tinkerbell, and The Joker posters
13. Seen anything weird lately?
14. What do you think of this survey?
15. What is the last film you saw?
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
A yellow Porsche...like the one Alice stole in Italy
17. Tell me something about you that I don't know.
I am obsessed with Twilight
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I'm not sure
19. George Bush:
was not a good Pres.
20. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
21. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Edward Anthony Masen
22. Would you ever consider living abroad?
BOLD the ones that fit you
I'M SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz.
I'm JAMAICAN, so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN, so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I must have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terriost.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convienance store.
I'm NATIE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...
I'm a DANCER, so I MUST be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I wear SKIRTS, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals. (No way in hell would I do that)
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a big DICK.
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNSUAL WAYS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER AND ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be gay.
I have BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that's how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY TOO.
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.
I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.
I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I must be ugly...or crazy.
I'm BLACK so I must love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm BI so I MUST think every girl I see is hot.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.
I'm ASIAN, so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7.
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so I must be fucked up.
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in a BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA.
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect.
I'm WHITE and have black friends so i MUST think I'm black.
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil.
I love SHOPPING, so i MUST be rich.
I'm an OG so I must be mexican.
If you hate stereotypes and think people should just SHUT UP AND STOP, POST THIS!
Her hair was up in a ponytail, her favorite dress tied with a bow,
Today was Daddy's Day at school and she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home,
Why the kids not might understand, if she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid, she knew just what to say,
What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone
And that was why, once again, she tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all,
About a dad she never sees, a dad who never calls.
There were daddy's along the wall in back for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently, Anxious in their seats.
One by one the teacher called, a student from the class,
To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare,
Each of them was searching, a man who wasn't their.
"Where's her daddy at?"
She heard a boy call out. "She probably doesn't have one." another student dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day.
The words did not offend her, as she smiled up at her mom,
And looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back, she slowly began to speak,
And out of the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique.
"My daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away,
But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know,
All about my daddy, and how he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike,
He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone,
And though you cannot see him, I'm not standing here alone.
'Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart,
I know because he told me he'll forever be in my heart."with that,
her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest,
Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress.
And somewhere in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears,
Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love, of a man not in her life,
Doing what was best for her, doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd,
She finished with a voice so soft, but it's message clear and loud.
"I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star,
And if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far.
You see he is a Marine, and died just this past year,
When a roadside bomb hit his convoy, and taught Canadians to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away,"
And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day.
And to her mother's amazement, she witnessed with surprise,
A room full of daddy's and children, all starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside,
Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him by her side.
"I know your with my daddy,"to the silence she called out,
And what happened next, made believers out of those once filled with doubt.
Not one of them could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed,
But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant, long-stemmed, pink rose.
And a child was blessed for only a moment, by the love of her shining star,
And given the gift of believing that heaven is never to far.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them,a day to love them, but then an entire lifetime to forget them.
This is a story about God. Read if you believe in him, and read even if you don't.
A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.
As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.
The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won’t repost it?
I understand how scissors can beat paper, and I get how a rock can beat scissors, but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around the rock and leave it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody. A rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock paper scissors, I always choose rock, then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit! I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you, asshole."
Do you want to know why I'm still on earth? Heaven kicked me out and hell is afraid I'll take over!
Someone told me: Go to hell!
Me: I can't. They put a restraining order on me...
MENstrual pain, MENstrual cramps, MENstrual anxiety, MENtal anxiety, MENopause, MENingitis. Notice our problems begin with MEN!!
God made man, and then said, "I can do better than that," and made woman.
If they don't have chocolate in Heaven, I ain't going.
Be a good listener. Your ears will never get you in trouble. -Frank Tyger
Don’t jump to conclusions, there may be a perfectly good explanation for what you just saw. -Proverbs 25:8
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. -Aristotle
You Can Count On Me Like 1 2 3
I'll Be There
And I Know When I Need It I Can Count On You Like 4 3 2
And You'll Be There
Cause That's What Friends Are Supposed To Do, Oh Yeah
~Bruno Mars - Count on Me