Your mom pokes badgers with spoons. Don't deny the truth... ahem Moving on... (and for those of you who are wondering, yes, that was inspired by Dom Monaghan)

Name: Megan, but you can call me Meggie
Age: 19
Favorite movies: LOTR, Mean Creek, Pirates of the Caribbean, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Sleepy Hollow, From Hell, pretty much any Johnny Depp movie that I've seen
Favorite bands/music: Vanessa Carlton, Switchfoot, John Mayer, They Might Be Giants, Audioslave, I don't know I'm more a fan of individual songs than of bands or musicians...
I like to: sleep, read, write, ride my horse, play piano, listen to music

Johnny Depp is my #1 lover! He is the most amazingly talented person in the world (not to mention the Sexiest Man Alive) and I completely respect and admire him and generally love him to pieces. ((hugs Johnny))

My Husband:

Johnny (My Everything)

My Lovers (in no particular order):

1. Elladan (My Warrior Prince)
2. Elrohir (My Horse Whisperer)
3. James (My Spoiled Rich Boy)
4. Jesse (My Love Doctor)
5. Joseph (My Irish Lad)
6. Scott (My Juvenile Delinquent)
7. Lancelot (My Knight in Shining Armor)
8. Hayden (My Angel)

CMFs (Cute Male Friendships):

1. Aragorn and Legolas
2. Everyone from the LOTR cast and everyone else from the LOTR cast, especially Orlando and Viggo, Billy and Dom, and Dom and Elijah... and Dom and Orlando, and Orlando and Elijah... basically the whole Billy-Dom-Elijah-Orlando group... oh, and Peter Jackson and Elijah, can't forget that one... even though Peter isn't really part of the cast... but oh well...
3. Jack Sparrow and Will Turner
4. Johnny and Orlando
5. Marty and Rocky
6. Jackay and Hot Sexy
7. Inspector Abberline and Sergeant Godley
8. Mr. Bean and Mr. Segall
9. Jackay and Paul
10. Johnny and Nicolas Cage
11. Ben and Tony
12. Jamie and Adrien
13. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert
14. Milo and Adrian
15. JP and Jackles

Cute Brotherly Relationships:

1. My 3 boy cousins who are all brothers
2. My 2 second-cousins who are brothers
3. Elladan and Elrohir
4. Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix in Signs
5. This guy named Ben that we met at a concert (who was really sweet and stood up for me when this girl was being a bitch) and his brother whose name I don't know
6. Rocky and Sam
7. Ben and Brendan
8. Tony and Brendan
9. Gilbert and Arnie Grape
10. Jon and Tim Foreman (the epitome of brotherly cuteness)
11. The two little boys we always see on the way to school
12. Jake and Josh
13. Chris (aka Jamie) and Tim
14. Nathan and Lucas from One Tree Hill
15. Peter and Nathan Petrelli
16. Sam and Dean Winchester

My Siblings (kids in movies, or just in general, who are so cute that I adopt them as my siblings):

1. Rory Culkin/Morgan Hess
2. Bo Hess/Abigail Breslin
3. Will Blakeney/Max Pirkis
4. Leena's cousin Ben ((I seem to know a lot of people named Ben, don't I?))

Quotable Quotes:

"My mom is not a hot guy." - Elaine (Leena)

"And then he caressed my cascading hair." - Maddie

"AN ERECT PENIS." - Maddie (explaining to the French exchange student what a boner is just as the entire class went silent)

Me: "I wonder what I'll be doing during Secret Window."
Heather: "Masturbating?"

"Pirates of the Caribbean." - Leena's dad

"Someone violated the law!" - Leena's dad (when he saw an empty juice box on the floor of a subway in Washington D.C.)

"I am going to be an Amish casino owner." - Alex

"But I am a good girl. I don't have guns in my bear." - Leah (Leena's 9-year-old sister) to an airport security person

Alex's mom: "Alex, all the boys will think you are easy."
Alex: "Well mother, I am."

Liz: "Are diaphragms comfortable?"
Mr. Bean (my 9th and 10th grade health/P.E. teacher): "I don't know, I've never worn one."

"There is nothing bad about underage drinking except that it is illegal." - Ms. Goodenough (my 9th grade math teacher)

Me: "I just took a sip of my apple cider and something solid touched my lip."
Leighann: "It's Orlando Bloom. He's swimming around."

"Will get away unless you want me to jump you right here, right now." - Olivia from Leena's story

"Where's my pot?" - Julia (the 4-year-old I babysit)

"Keep off the grass." - Unknown

"I was doing your bitches." - Leighann

"Don't forget to, um... brush and floss!" - Mr. Segall (my 9th grade history teacher)

"So does Megan like that Frodo guy?" - Leena's dad

"Where's his woman?" - Leena's dad (at the coronation scene of ROTK before Arwen showed up)

"Oh, there she is." - Leena's dad (same as above, except after Arwen showed up)

"That's a nice picture of Johnny Depp." - Leena's dad

Molly (my sister): "But I mean, like, Johnny in the flesh."
My mom: "From the sound of it, she's seen all of his flesh."

"It's a mole in a hole." - Liv Tyler

"No cleavage, girls. I know you have boobs. So do I. I don't want to see yours and you don't want to see mine." - Ms. Palin (my 9th grade religion teacher)

"She was looking at me like she wanted to eat me." - Leena (referring to our school's former academic dean, Ms. Low)

"My mom just came in here and gave me some new underwear." - Me

"So I heard you guys were corrupting Leah with pictures of Johnny Depp." - Leena's mom

Alex: "You've never kissed Tony (Hannah's boyfriend)?"
Hannah: "No..."
Alex: "It's okay. Neither have I." ((FYI: This quote took place a long time ago, so Hannah and Tony have definitely kissed by now))

"Oh, Orlando!" - My dad

"Oh, Johnny!" - My dad

"Touch me, Frodo!" - Molly (while alone in her room, I just heard her through the wall... I don't want to know what she does in there)

"But we're supposed to be in bed." - Kaitlyn (my cousin) in her sleep

"He's getting wet..." - Me (getting excited at the part of Gilbert Grape where Johnny and that girl are getting her groceries out of the back of his truck in the rain)

"There's a fine line between pain and pleasure." - Leena's dad

"Breasts are for men to look at." - Leena's dad

"I want to have this tree's children." - Me in my dream

"Where did you get those condoms?" - Ms. Gilbert (my 8th grade english teacher) in my dream

"Genitalia is a really pretty word." - Me

"Cheekbones are the essence of men." - Katie

"She doesn't need anti-depressants. She has Johnny Depp." - My mom

"Oh, that bitch. I will slit her throat then eat her." - Katie (referring to Leighann, really they are friends though)

"I can see your sexy underwear." - Ms. Goodenough (to Taylor when her thong was sticking out of the top of her pants)

"He's sticking out." - Me (referring to Orlando in a pic where he's standing in his underwear and, well, sticking out)

Nicole: "You burp like a man."
Tegan: "But do you pee like a man?"

"I felt your hand creeping into my armpit." - Me (to Alex when she was trying to tickle me without me noticing)

Leena: "'But can you pee like a man?'"
Alex: "How did you know?"

"I think humans taste good." - Alex

"If Johnny randomly walked into your room and was like, 'Megan, let's have sex,' would you seriously?" - Leena

"Look Mom, I laid an egg." - Leah (randomly at dinner)

"It's the Pope-mobile!" - Leena's dad (when he saw a picture of the Pope on the side of a bus)

Leena: "Guess what I am doing now."
Alex: "Screwing Megan's cousin."

"Is it that time in your career?" - Lynda

"Yes, didn't you know? Mr. Segall is marrying Orlando Bloom." - Leena

"That came out like yesterday's diapers." - Lynda

"Next time you spend the night I am going to whisper, 'Megan, let's have sex,' in your ear while you are sleeping and see what happens." - Leena

"That's intense laundry." - Emily

"Precious perverts at five o'clock." - Leena in her sleep

"I have to say, guys have really good taste in other guys." - Katie

"When you have nothing else better to do, you have to practice fainting." - Leena (when she had nothing better to do and was practicing fainting)

Ms. Triebold (Leena's religion substitute one day): "So, what would you not do on a date?"
Sam: "I wouldn't go to a poultry farm. See, I have this abnormal fear of birds."

"I'm having cleavage... for dinner." - Leena

Leighann: "Look at this picture."
Me: "Of what?"
Leighann: "Johnny as cheesecake on a moonlit serenade."

"That could be a new kind of brassiere!" - Leena's dad (when Leena's mom was holding two rubber bands stretched out around her boobs)

"You're supposed to hug her. That's what you do when you're cousins." - My mom

"We were just skipping down the road..." - Ian (my cousin) when my mom was giving him, me and Molly weird looks because we were skipping down the road hand-in-hand barefoot at night in the middle of a hurricane

"Cry about it." - Tyler (my cousin)

Kristin (my 8-year-old cousin): "Jared, where is Ian's ticklish spot?"
Jared (my other cousin): "Just pull his hair..."
Kristin: ((pulls Ian's hair))
Jared: "... between his legs."

"Kaitlyn, I have a quest for you. I want you to go goldmining, right here, right now." - Ian (while we were eating breakfast in a restaurant)

"Jared, can we see your muscles?" - Kaitlyn and Kristin

"Sick wit it." - Jared and Tyler

Me (while outside in Hurricane Charley with my cousin Ian): "Ian, you really look like Jesus right now."
Ian: "Yes. ((holds up arms)) This is all my doing."

"Kristin, would you stop hitting on your cousin? Would you stop making moves on your cousin?" - Ian (while Kristin was trying to pull my shirt up to see my back)

"They have beautiful horses, and a very nice riding facility." - Me (on the way to Leena's lake house when we passed a stable with beautiful horses and a very nice riding facility)

"He had loved her ever since he found out that his wife was cheating on him with a 'hot' German man named Wilhelm." - Tessa (Leena's sister)

"It's a pantaloon ensemble." - Carolyn (Tessa's friend) referring to Johnny's suit at the Pirates premiere

"I had to gag when they weren't looking." - Tessa (referring to when she had to gag on some gross pizza when Carolyn's parents weren't looking)

"He's whispering sweet love words in his ear." - Carolyn (while looking at a pic of Johnny whispering in Orlando Bloom's ear at the premiere of Pirates)

Leah: "I know what Megan's favorite song is."
Leena: "Well what is it?"
Leah: "(singing) Johnny loves me, yes he does. Johnny loves me, yes he does... (stops singing) and then it gets jazzier like: (singing) Johnny loves me, oooo! Oooo!"

"They're controlled-top pants." - Carolyn (referring to Russell Crowe's pants in Master and Commander)

"Guess what, Mom. Johnny was the king in Ella Enchanted!" - Leah (after we told her that Johnny was the king in Ella Enchanted)

"Quick, everyone hide your bras!" - Leena (when her uncle and two (boy) cousins arrived at the lake house and me, her, and Tessa's bras were all over the floor)

My mom: (while listening to the song on the 'A Walk to Remember' soundtrack by Jon of Switchfoot and Mandy Moore) "Is this Jon singing?"
Molly: "Yes."
My mom: "His voice is sexy."

"She, like, goes through puberty when she sings!" - Lindsey (referring to Avril Lavigne) ((sorry to all you Avril fans out there))

"Men cannot tell the truth about their sex lives." - Mr. Shoemaker (my 10th grade history teacher) while discussing the Bill-Clinton-and-Monica-Lewinski scandal in class

"Oh my god, he's naked under there!" - Me (getting excited at the part of From Hell where Johnny is in the bath)

"That feels yummy." - My mom (referring to the car heater)

"Who the hell is that?" - My dad (whenever someone he doesn't know is mentioned... but he says it in the most hilarious way, it's hard to explain)

"No one is pro-abortion. People are pro-choice. No one goes around saying 'Whee, let's go have an abortion!'" - My mom

"Oh for Pete's sake, they're brothers, not lovers!" - My mom (referring to Jon and Tim from Switchfoot when Molly made a comment about them doing something that would be a stretch for mere brotherly love)

Molly: "I need to take a shower in the morning."
My mom: "Someone needs to take a shower tonight!" (after the Switchfoot concert we went to, referring to Jon because he was sweating buckets, as usual)

"Birth: it's when a naked kid comes out of your vagina." - Leena

Mr. Shoe: "And what did the north say?"
Heather: "'Damn.'"
Mr. Shoe: “Well… yes.” (now I know most of you won't find that as funny as it really is, but you have to understand that Mr. Shoe usually gets SO upset when people swear in his class)

"I know it's free dress today, but it's still appropriate free dress, so everyone please keep your clothes on." - My 10th grade english teacher Mr. Geraghty (or Connor as I like to call him when he can't hear me) after the top button on Taylor's dress accidentally flew open and everyone cracked up

Taylor: "Have you fixed your X-Box yet?"
Connor: "I can't answer that right now."
Everyone: "..."
Connor: "Yes."

"Ask Megan about when they KISSED." - Leah (whispering in Leena's ear because she was pretending to be too shy to ask me herself, referring to me and Jonathan, my made-up ex-boyfriend that we invented to tell her about because she is the most gullible kid in the world and she's also obsessed with my non-existent love life)

Madde: "The UW is really hard to get into."
Grace: "Well, I'll just park somewhere and walk."

Someone: "What happened?"
Kiley: "I was born with a uterus, that's what happened." (when Kiley got her period on our sophomore retreat)

Kiley: "Damn, I bled all over my sleeping bag."
Someone: "Didn't you borrow that from someone?"
Kiley: "Yes... it's Mr. Bean's."

"He is such a cutie patootie. He just gets cuter and cuter with every new thing I find out about him." - My mom (referring to Mr. Bean, whom everyone's moms (and some students as well) have crushes on)

"He is a hot patottie. Not a cutie patootie, but a hot patottie. There's a difference." - My mom (referring to Patrick, the guy I like)

"I get a lot of conversation out of that young man." - My mom (again referring to Patrick)

"Git up and hump yourself, Jim!"- Huck Finn

And now I must add a quote from the autobiography of Mark Twain, which I was forced to read for English class. It was very boring, for the most part, but it did provide me with this little gem:

"Then, after a period of dumb exhaustion, his disordered imagination would suddenly transform the great apartment into a forecastle, and the hurrying throng of nurses into the crew; and he would come to a sitting posture and shout, 'Hump yourselves, HUMP yourselves, you petrifactions, snail-bellies, pall-bearers! Going to be all DAY getting that hatful freight out?' and supplement this explosion with a firmament-obliterating erruption of profanity which nothing could stay or stop till his crater was empty."

"His face is like a baby's butt." - Morgan (referring to the smoothness of Johnny's skin in Gilbert Grape)

Grace: "You're taking Marine Biology?"
Divya: "Yes."
Grace." I didn't know you wanted to be in the Marines!"

Me: "(referring to Orlando during his little love scene in Troy) His shoulders are SO sexy."
My mom: "I think you kinda like him a little bit..."
Me: "Mom, you don't have to be in love in order to... ((breaks off searching for the right word))"
My mom: "Lust after a man's body parts?"

My dad: "((makes some sort of comment as we watch the Oscars with our neighbor/family friend))"
Me: "((bursts out laughing at something completely different that I was thinking of, not even paying attention to my dad))"
My dad: "(totally offended because he thought I was making fun of his comment) Thanks a lot, Megan."
Me: "No, I wasn't laughing at you."
My dad: "Yes you were, it sounded like you were laughing because you thought what I said was stupid."
Me: "No, you want to know what I was laughing at? I was laughing at the thought of this phrase: 'Tractor pullers do it in the dirt.'"
((pause))...
Dennis (our neighbor/family friend): "You have deep thoughts, don't you..."

"I just don't understand. Why would you want to sit and suck on someone's neck?" - My mom (while we were discussing hickeys)

"Oh, baby." - Madame Malone (while checking her email and getting irritated about spam, reading off the subject of one of her spam messages)

"Mr. Bean is too cute to be a hottie patottie." - My mom

"Well, we were just going down the sidewalk, he was on his skateboard and I was walking, and we were holding hands. All of a sudden he went over a crack in the sidewalk and fell off the skateboard, but I caught him in my arms before he hit the ground. He looked up at me, and I looked down at him, and we just leaned in and kissed each other. It was magical." - Me (telling Leah about me and Jonathan's first kiss)

"He came to my window and threw pebbles at it until I came and saw him. He told me to come down, but I told him to wait a minute. So I went and changed into this sexy little black slip I had, and put on my black stiletto slippers. I went back to the window and jumped down, and he caught me in his arms. Then we went for a moonlit walk in these nice little woods by my house. I got tired after a while, so he carried me. Eventually we came to this little pond that had a bench right next to it. We sat down on the bench, and he professed his undying love to me. He had made a list of all the things he loved about me, and he told it to me forwards and backwards as I leaned against his shoulder and he stroked my hair. We spent the rest of the night kissing between words of love and adoration." - Me (describing to Leah another romantic encounter (made up by Carolyn) between me and Jonathan, and yes, she believed every word)

"Shaving cream!" - Ms. Hinkley (my 10th grade chemistry teacher) when she was startled by the fire alarm, clearly about to say something else beginning with the "sh" sound but stopping herself and saying that instead

Emily: (when she accidentally spilled something in chem) "Shit!"
Ms. Hinkley: "No, no, no. It's 'shaving cream.'"

"I've just been sleeping around."- Rachel (my 3-year-old cousin)

"I gotta go get that razor cuz I need some hot dates." - Mr. Shoe (while discussing advertising in class)

"You were a cute, adorable baby, and Molly looked like a turd." - Bernie (to me, referring to the baby video that people were watching at Molly's birthday party... yeah, the video was taken when Molly was a newborn and I was two, so apparently I was a lot cuter than she was)

"Our food is very horny today." - Kelsey (while we were watching a movie and food kept falling down our shirts)

"That's my Aragorn. He's my muffin man." - Rachel (whenever she sees a picture of Aragorn, or anyone who looks like Aragorn in her opinion, which includes Obi-Wan Kenobi, that one guy from King Arthur, and Ryan Gosling)

"The Force." - Rachel (at a completely random moment while watching Star Wars, in this really sad and kind of quiet voice... you probably had to be there, but it was SO funny)

"He's not feeling very good." - Rachel (while watching Episode III, at the part where Anakin is getting all his Vader gear put on)

"That's a hot babe." - Rachel (really loudly in Subway, pointing at this really old lady)

"Why is Obi-Wan wearing my bathrobe?" - Jimmy Fallon (at the MTV Movie Awards, doing a Star Wars parody)

"Happy Uncle Murray's Day." - (this is what Rachel chose to write on a mother's day card for her mom. Uncle Murray is my dad)

"Sunny, it's not okay to bite your brother!" - Nicky (this little 6-year-old girl I was showing around my barn) to Sunny (one of the horses) when he was biting at Manny (another horse) so that he would be the center of attention

"Your saddle looks immaculate." - Abbie (to me, right after I cleaned my saddle... it was just funny for some reason)

"Oh sorry, am I hurting Anakinina?" - Molly (when I was lying at the end of her bed and she was resting her feet on my stomach... see, we have this joke about how I am carrying an immaculately conceived child named Anakinina because I had to take a pregnancy test for legal reasons before going on this one medication... we also blame Anakinina for my recent cravings for Poptarts and Japanese food)

"This was the day we decided to say, 'Up yours, England!'" - My dad (referring to the 4th of July)

"I knew how to get one, I just didn't know why to get one. Everyone was doing it so I guess I just thought it was the thing to do." - My dad (talking about hickeys during yet another family discussion about them)

"'Dear Fan, Up yours.'" - My dad (when thinking of the worst possible reply that Switchfoot could send my sister if she sent them a letter inviting them to have dinner at our house)

"I get startled when rodents jump out and grab my ankles." - Larry (our family friend)

"Oh, tomorrow!" - Me (in a moment of excitement because of something I was going to do the next day)

Some irritated woman in the chairlift line: (to the person operating the chairlift) "This line is ridiculous. Why don't you just send them up both sides?"
Chairlift person: "(pause) Because they have to come back down, ma'am."
Woman: "Oh." (shuts up) ((I wasn't actually there for that one, but my friend was and it was just so funny when he told me about it))

"I'm just looking for that moment to drop my Jedi knickers and pull out my real lightsaber." - Ewan McGregor

Peter: "My mom is smarter than my dad."
Christopher (Peter's little brother): "No, they're both smart."
Peter: "Well, they're smart in different ways, like dad is smart in the way of getting drunk and acting stupid."

Okay, well this isn't actually a quote, because there is no way I could write it down, but I just think you all should know that Bernie trying to say the names of all the Harry Potter characters in a fake Chinese accent is the funniest thing EVER... Seriously, I almost swerved off the road from laughing, as I was driving at the time...

"Answer me or I will hump you against something." - Leighann (to me, when I wouldn't answer her question... yes, people tend to get very physical with their friends at my school)

"Be sure to hump her against her car." - Leighann (to Elaine about me, just after the last quote because Elaine and I were going out to the parking lot and Leighann wasn't)

Samantha (my 25-year-old cousin): (on the phone with her mom) "Hey, what are you doing?"
Her mom: "Kissing your father."
Samantha: "Bye." (hangs up)

Me: (telling Marian about my imaginary twin brother) "Yeah, I have a twin brother. His name is Matt."
Marian (Bernie's sister): (trying to ask me if we have that freaky twin connection but not quite phrasing it correctly) "So, do you guys like feel each other's things?"

"She just loves that horse. Those horse people are always crazy about their horses." - Leena's dad (referring to me, after Leena told him that I couldn't come over one day because I had some horse thing to do)

Bernie: ((tries to pour Marian a cup of water, it sloshes everywhere but he just goes and puts the water away))
Marian: (staring at him) "What was that called?"
Bernie: "That was called 'it's better to do things yourself.'"

"I should be arrested." - Marian (referring to how she is attracted to so many younger guys)

"Weenie, no burritos!" - Tessa (in the lunchline to her friend Serena whose nickname is Weenie... there is some kind of story behind that but I forgot it)

Mr Bean: ((is too embarrassed to tell Liv that her pants are showing a little too much information)) (to me and Elaine) "Hey, could you guys tell Liv to pull up her pants?"
Elaine: "Hey Liv! Mr. Bean says to pull up your pants!"

"He's so wee!" - Lindsey (referring to Connor)

"My lunch is coming back to haunt me." - Ms. Turner (my 11th grade history teacher)

"You don't need conflict in your cake." - My dad

"His gun was, like, rickety beyond compare." - Carolyn (referring to the part in Pirates where Orlando is standing on the side of the Black Pearl and is like "And the crew!" and sort of shakes the gun over in their direction... yeah she was doing a whole rant about that part of the movie and it was freaking hilarious but I can't remember all of it)

"Are you guys just watching me? GOD! Don't you have ANYTHING better to do?" - Craig (when me and Rex were just sitting there staring at him cuz we were waiting for him to fall asleep so we could draw on his face... okay, it was the middle of the night and i had drank a lot of apple cider and just watched two Johnny movies, so it was funny to me)

"What happened in the fourth Harry Potter book again? Oh yeah, that was the one where Harry was like, 'Hermione's hot' at the Yule Ball because her buck teeth weren't so buck anymore." - Liv

Susannah: (after seeing the name 'Jonathan' written on my pants that I like to write on all the time) "Who's Jonathan?"
Me: "Ummm... ('ummms' for like five minutes)... A person."
Susannah: "Oh, okay."

((Kelly and Dani are doing a skit in Girls Self Defense class. The Scenario: Dani is a female college student and Kelly is her male friend. They are in Dani's dorm room playing a board game, Kelly has been drinking and starts making moves on Dani))
Dani: "Okay, it's your turn."
Kelly: "(caressing Dani's arm) You wanna roll my dice?"

Bernie: (telling me how to get to the freeway from his house) "Okay, turn right here."
Me: "Okay." (turns right)
Bernie: "Now turn left here."
Me: "Okay." (turns left)
Bernie: "Then throw it into neutral, coast through the next light, up the hill and all the way through the light on the other side!"
Me: (blinks)
Bernie: "Oh right... you don't know the drill..."

"Gosh these pillows are soft and smooshy!" - Ms. Hinkley (when we were doing massages in yoga class and there were a bunch of pillows lying around)

"Timmy has really cute undies." - Me (after a Switchfoot concert where we saw Tim's cute undies several times... god that was the best night of my life)

"He is a delicious slice of man." - Kelsey (referring to Tim)

Kelsey: ((watching Batman Begins with her mom)) (referring to batman) "He has a very large wingspan."
Her mom: "I like that in a man."

"I need to be medicated... more than I already am."- Me (it's the truth)

"Never let people go hungry cuz they flip out and take over the government." - Ms. Turner

"And he had that huge paper cutter whacker hacker!" - Carolyn (telling a story about middle school art, when the teacher had one of those big paper cutter thingies)

"I don't know whether I'm supposed to be suspended or sexually tensed." - My dad (it's a long story...)

Another un-quote: I think everyone should know that my two male cousins (ages 16 and 18) belting 'Since U Been Gone' by Kelly Clarkson at the top of their lungs in the car gives Bernie's Chinese Harry Potter incident a run for its money... The best part was that they actually knew ALL of the words... LMAO

Ian (my cousin): (after a show in Las Vegas involving "sirens" dancing around half naked on a pirate ship and lip-synching to really cheesy songs) (to our 9-year-old cousin Kristin) "Did you like the show?"
Kristin: "Yeah."
Ian: "Good. And if you ever dance like that I'll kill you."

"You people can't tell a phrase from an aardvark, or a clause from a shark." - Sr. O'Dea (my English teacher)

"It's not even 'Knitting Club' anymore, now it's 'Megan's Hot Raunchy Men Club'." - Carolyn (because I always show her moments from what my dad calls "Megan's Greatest Hits" (the collection of my favorite movies that I can watch forever and never get tired of) during Knitting Club)

"Mom, is that Johnny?" - Leah (anytime she is watching a movie and a man comes on the screen... any man)

"Your eyebrows drive me wild." - Me (when Maddie was telling us about the love letters she received from this French guy who fell in love with her when she went to France on exchange, where he would say really weird things like "your smile is so big" or "your eyes are blue")

"You have no idea how bad of a kid I was between ages 2 and 4." - Jake (the little boy I babysit... I guess it was just funny because he's only 8 and he's already talking about how bad of a kid he used to be!)

"Oh crap, I'm wearing the wrong underwear today." - Me (when I realized that I had accidentally put on the underwear that I had wanted to wear specially the next day)

"What do you think Dumbledore's underwear look like?" - Andrew (this little 5-year-old boy I was babysitting, while we were watching Harry Potter on their GIGANTIC big-screen TV)

Me: (commenting on the giant TV) "Wow, this TV is amazing."
Andrew: (completely seriously) "God made this TV."
Me: ((bursts out laughing))
Andrew: (whose family is not even religious) "Don't laugh! I'm talking about God!"

"He's about an A-cup." - My grandmother (this was the first thing she said when I showed her a picture of this guy that I like, and he was wearing a tank top in the picture)

"I had a date, but then he stabbed someone." - Alex (talking about how she was going to take her almost-boyfriend Nick to the prom but he's on house arrest awaiting trial because he stabbed some guy in defense of his brother)

"I agree, Hamburger's is a bit choppy." - Sr. O'Dea (when we read a poem by a guy named Michael Hamburger in class)

"Megan, you can't be afraid to tell Sarah that she sucks. ((turns to Sarah)) Sarah, you suck."- Rhett (this guy that I work with)

"Come on, Rhumba, you magic love jewel." - Max (one of our ferriers, as he was going out to catch Rhumba, one of the horses)

"Their guitars were making out." - Molly (about Tim and Drew from Switchfoot when they were standing really close facing each other and playing their guitars)

"And the next morning, I was in the bathroom and I was brushing my teeth, and I was looking in the mirror and I thought, 'Hey, there's Murray brushing his teeth.'" - My dad (talking about one time when he smoked pot in college)

"I wouldn't want to meet her in a dark alley." - Alex (referring to a random girl in a picture with Orlando... it was hilarious cuz the girl didn't even look scary, she just had a really weird look on her face)

"I feel really witty today." - Molly

"Do we know if these windows are tinted? Because the Mexicans are staring at me." - Me (when we were stuck in traffic on the freeway in California and a truckload of Mexican guys were staring at me through the window)

"Tasha, Aunt Cheri is allergic to cats, and you are a cat."- my Uncle Dick (when we were staying with them and their cat Tasha was sitting on my mom's bed, cuz my mom is allergic to cats)

"The first sit is a sit of faith." - Uncle Dick (referring to their portable hammock which is really low to the ground and a bit scary to get into)

"It's like, 'Here, let me push you into my non-existent boob.'" - Molly (referring to a picture of Johnny and Leo DiCaprio in Gilbert Grape, where Johnny is hugging Leo and trying to tuck his head under his chin but it doesn't really work because Leo is taller than him)

"Their feet have trod on those very sands." - My dad (as we drove past a beach in Switchfoot's hometown, so we think they probably have surfed there)

"These chairs have held their butts." - My dad (as we ate at a restaurant in Switchfoot's hometown that my aunt and uncle said they have probably eaten at)

"Salvation in a cup!" - my Aunt Karen (when we were eating breakfast at a restaurant and she was having a serious need for caffeine and she saw the waitress bringing her coffee)

"Everything is disgusting!" - Leena's dad (singing to himself as he washed the dishes... he sings to himself a lot)

Mr. Manion (my high school art teacher): ((walks into drama auditions after finding a really old and gross-looking bowl of guacamole-type stuff out in the hall)) "Hey, whose nasty bowl of crap is that out there?"
Sam (possibly the funniest person I've ever met): "It actually tastes really good, Mr. Manion. I'd even go as far as to call it heaven's nectar."

An exchange recounted to me by Leena from her biology class at her new school, which consisted mostly of freshmen:

Kid #1: "Why do we have to learn about DNA? It's not like we're ever going to have to use this."
Kid #2: "We have to learn this in case we get shot."
Everyone: "Huh?"
Kid #2: "Yeah, because if someone gets shot then they have to put their DNA back in."
Leena: (sarcastic) "What? They just pick it off the ground and put it back in?"
Kid #2: "Yeah."
Kid #3: "No, if that happened the people at the hospital would put it back in, not you!"

"Just think Megan, some of their chairs have held his butt." - Molly (when we drove past the high school formerly attended by Evan, the latest object of my affection)

"My birthday is on the 30th, and we're having a family gathering on Saturday, but I'd just like a few days of 'me' time to commemorate the wicked awesome 23rd celebration of my life... 'cause I am great." - Chris (this guy at work; this is what he wrote in our request book where we ask for days off, when he was asking for like a week off for his birthday)

Me: "I was watching Star Wars yesterday, but then I got bored of it and turned it off."
Jake (the kid I babysit): "You got bored of Star Wars?! Oh my gosh, you are not my babysitter anymore."

"I watch the Tyra show sometimes. The other day, they were talking about bras and panties and I got educated." - Shelby

Bennett (this adorable little 3-year-old I babysit sometimes): (sitting next to me on the couch) "I love you, Logan."
Me: "What?"
Bennett: (looks at me questioningly) "Logan?"
Me: "No, Megan."
Bennett: "Oh. I love you, Megan."

Kathy (Bennett's mom): "Bennett, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Bennett: "A girl."

"I'm sorry, I just don't support Communism." - Stephanie

"Don't show her the beans!" - My grandfather

"Fred, it's primetime." - My grandfather

"You need to come with me. Marilyn Manson could be anywhere." - Molly

Mr. Segall: "Who's that hot guy in that movie (The Day After Tomorrow)."
Tegan: "Jake Gyllenhaal?"
Mr. Segall: "Yeah. I like him."

"It stinks in here. It's because I farted, I'm sorry." - Molly

"She can't even pick out a pack of gum in less than two or three hours." - Bernie (referring to Molly's indecisiveness)

"He looks like an almond." - Sean (Shelby's sister) referring to Milo Ventimiglia

"When I marry Jamie Bell and have his children, our sons are going to dance." - Molly

"I can't cross the line between ho's and bro's." - Lynda