Good fanfic quotes (stories with tons of awesome quotes are in bold):

"I assure you, I am completely sane. Nine out of ten voices in my head say so."
"What about the tenth?"
"Oh, it just runs around with it's fingers in its ears yelling, 'Lalalalalalala'" - Quote from someone's fanfic in the Harry Potter Dialogue Centre

"Out of curiosity, why is it assumed that muggles can't make potions?
What exactly is so magical about Snape's class?
It's exactly like cooking, in a sense.
Maybe that's why Snape is so pissed all the time about his job...
It's not really all that magical. It's basically just Mixing and Boiling 101.
Face it Snape, you're the Home Economics teacher of Hogwarts.
Maybe someone should buy the man a black apron and some matching oven mitts..." - Quote from Evadne’s Fanfic in the Harry Potter Dialogue Centre

"Read books, get smart, and don't let anyone tell you you suck." - Quote from Lightstar1154's "Hermione Granger and the Sorcerer's Stone" in the Harry Potter Dialogue Centre

"MASTER! The toast!" Tahl now could smell what at first she thought to be candles burning. Obi-Wan ran for the kitchen.
"SHE'S GONNA BLOW!"
Qui-Gon emerged half-dressed from his chambers wielding a fire extinguisher. "Move, Padawan!" There was a hissing sound.
Without warning, toast began flying from the kitchen along with Obi-wan's screams. "POSESSED! MASTER! THE TOASTER'S POSSESED!"
"I need a club! Padawan, get me a blunt object!"
Tahl stood by horrified as Obi-Wan grabbed a bat from his room and gave it to Qui-Gon. The Jedi Master began mercilessly pounding the spasmodic toaster. "BACK! BACK YOU SPAWN OF SITH!"
When finally the toaster was one with the force, the Master and Padawan team proudly emerged from the kitchen. - Quote from Charmisjess's "The Real Reason"

Yoda rolled his eyes as he got to his feet, leaning heavily on his gimer stick. “Dorks, you all are.” - Quote from Rae of Rosemary's "It's ok, Master, the force hates me, too"

“‘Quick’ is my middle name,” said Obi-Wan, walking through the door as if on cue.
Anakin’s brow furrowed in confusion. “I thought your middle name was Eugene,” he said.
“Yes," a red-faced Obi-Wan admitted in embarrassment,"but we don’t talk about that.”
Padmé wrinkled her nose in distaste. “Eugene?” she repeated. “What kind of a name is that?”
“Your middle name is Naberrie,” Anakin pointed out. “You have no room to talk.”
Padmé couldn’t think of a decent comeback, so she stuck her tongue out at him.
Anakin was shocked. “Padmé!” he exclaimed. “You’re supposed to be the mature one!” - From LunaDea's "Star Wars- Revenge of the Myth"

“Holy crap,” he said in shock. “I’m a dad!”
Obi-Wan sighed. “May the Force be with us all.” -Also from "Star Wars- Revenge of the Myth"

(deciding on names for the twins)
“Hold on,” Anakin objected. “How come you’re the only one who has a say in this?”
“Alright, we’ll decide democratically,” Padmé conceded. “You get one vote for every month that you carried the babies inside your womb.” - Yet Again from "Revenge of the Myth"

"Keep your focus, Obi-Wan. The council can be a pestering bunch. One day I will teach you how to defy them." - From Obi the Kid's "The Loss of Innocence"

Apollonia is my father’s owl. He got her when I was in school to make correspondence easier. He named her after the Patron Saint of Dentists. We’re not even Catholic. I don’t ask.- Hermione in Starlight623's "The Wedding of the Century"

She (Mara Jade) was, young, she was sexy, and if you didn't count the fact that she was Palpatine's concubine, she was single. - Obi-Wan in Da2187Leia's "Star Wars/Moulin Rouge! Elephant Love Medely"

Shmi. What the hell kind of name is that anyway, he wondered again. She was a nice lady, but damn... What kind of parents would name their kid 'Shmi'? Not that I'm anyone to judge, he admitted ruefully. His own nickname was disturbingly effeminate, and he'd never really liked his last name either. Anakin had always wished he could have had a cool name, like Kenobi, or Jinn, or even Windu; 'Skywalker' sounded retarded. But at least my first name isn't Shmi, he consoled himself. -Anakin in crystalcave's "Bad Boys, JEDI Style"

"What is it now, Threepio? Artoo make fun of your pink apron again?" -Anakin in LVB's "Father of the Bride"

“Maaaaaaaaaster!” Kenobi cried as he ducked behind said older man, and clutched at the back of his tunics. “Maaaaaaster! He tried to take my arm off!”
Anakin blinked in surprise, before just giving into the moment and going with it. “I did not!” Anakin countered with a more than blatant lie. “Master Jinn, he's lying!” He whined.
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
“Am not!”
“Are too!”
“Now, now, children...” Jinn laughed, “Let's all play together nicely.”
This, as one can imagine, hardly seemed to help.
“At least I didn't try to give my Master a heart attack with suicidal Skywalker flying!” Obi-Wan growled.
“And I didn't chop off all of my padawan's limbs!”
“You never had a padawan! Besides, you cut off your own son's hand... so you're one to talk!”
“That's not the point!”
“Well, you killed me!”
“You took most of me!”
Then they turned, “Maaaaaaaster!” Both whined at Qui-Gon. And Jinn just laughed. -Qui, Obi, and Ani in Seven is Me's "Obi-Wan's Ten Point Guide to Paradise"

Curious of his master’s intentions, Obi-Wan cleared his mind, and looked to the Force for guidance, but it seemed that even it had no idea what the hell Qui-Gon was going to do next. The Force, being immensely frustrated by its inability to predict Qui-Gon’s actions, decided it needed a vacation and went away for a little while. -Obi-Wan in Viva-la-Resistance's "The Joys of Spare Time"

“Can you give us a minute? We’re having an intimate non-gay moment.”
“I can see that, but three boys to one girl? That seems a bit unfair.”- Sokka and Bumi in Elenea Galad's "Brotherly Love"

"Do you know what it's like to have a lemur have a nightmare while it's sleeping on your head! DO YOU!” -Zuko in Lady Amaya's "Hunted Water"

“'Sides, I can't have the Fire Nation taking my woman, now can I?”
“Your woman?” Zuko growled. “Katara isn't an object, bastard! Now tell me where she is, before I make you.” Dammit, where're those broadswords when I need them!
Jet laughed. “Make me? Don't you know who you're dealing with?”
“Your name is Jet, you lead the Freedom Fighters, and Katara froze you to a tree,” Zuko deadpanned.
“Trifles, trifles. Now where we were? Oh yeah, I was gonna kill you because you're Fire Nation!” -Jet and Zuko in Outsane's "Superstition"

(Gran Gran and Jeong Jeong are making out across the room)
"OH GODS! OH GODS!"
"What’s wrong Toph?"
"MY FEET! MY FEET!"
"…annnd?"
"Your Gran Gran… old Firebender… tongues…"
"What? What are you… OH GODS! MY EYES! MY EYES! I’M BLIND!"
"I’M BLINDER!" -Toph and Sokka in Vicki So's "Til Death Do Us Part"

It was at this moment that Deidara chose to burst through the ballroom doors. He was panting heavily, sweat matting his hair to his face and a ecstatic grin on his face. “Did any of you guys know what happens when you stick a fork in the microwave?! Apparently, not only art is a bang, un!” -Deidara in Renalin's "Naruto For The Teenage Soul"

“You brought the man who’s going to be my father-in-law to my stag party and then chose a strip club?!” Naruto muttered dangerously, his face tensing and teeth clenching. “Kakashi-sensei, the man hates me enough!”
Kakashi brushed him off, smiling behind his mask.
“Don’t be so nervous, Naruto,” he chided, ruffling Naruto’s blond hair (causing the groom to pout) as if he were still the twelve-year-old genin. “And besides, the best way to break the ice with any man is to take them to a strip club.” Kakashi nodded wisely. “Trust me, by the end of this night, and seven shots of tequila and maybe two lap dances later, this guy will love you.” -Naruto and Kakashi in ohwhatsherface's "My Big Fat Hyuuga Wedding"

'Fine, I’ll stay. But if any of the strippers touch me I swear to God I will burn this place down.' -Sasuke in ohwhatsherface's "My Big Fat Hyuuga Wedding"

Naruto’s voice was much deeper than the screamer’s had been, and Sasuke was not one for screaming (unless Naruto parading around naked was involved in the equation), so that left Sakura. Sakura was not the kind of girl who screamed for any old reason; either Naruto had tripped with a kunai in hand and killed Sasuke, or Sasuke had taken off his shirt. -Kakashi in Imbrium Iridum's "Chibi'd"

All that left was Sasuke, sixteen and more interested in saving the whales than saving his father's business. No wonder Fugaku was pissed. -Itachi in gigabomb's "The End of Life As He Knew It" on LiveJournal http://community.livejournal.com/naruto100/212345.html

Shikamaru was not the person she loved most in the world. Kankuro, annoying little brother that he was, had carved out that niche when she was five years old, he was four, and he had put on a sock puppet show for her to try and cheer her up when he found her crying in her room one evening over something their father had said. -Cut line from Gigabomb's "A Fox and a Shark Walk into a Bar"

I just sort of love the idea that everyone else is scared to shit of Itachi, and Kisame's like, "Hey, Itachi-san, now that you've killed everyone, it's time for dinner. How about that one seafood place we passed half a mile back?"
Itachi: "... Fine." -gigabomb in a comment on his/her livejournal. http://gigabomb.livejournal.com/45019.html?thread=365019#t365019 (scroll down)

"Oh, wait, EXCUSE ME! I forgot that flowers are an ENDANGERED SPECIES around here since you've decided to become the lumberjack from HELL!" -Tenten to Neji in Silverlight's "The Hyuuga Persuasion"

She fished around in her pocket, and pulled out a photograph of a baby panda. Naruto cooed.
“It’s cute!”
Sakura nodded gravely. Naruto’s smile began to falter at her foreboding expression.
“He died.” She whispered, and a lone tear slid down her face. Naruto’s mouth dropped open in horror.
“No.”
“Yes,” Sakura sniffed, “All alone—separated from his mother who had been killed by a hunter—”
“LIKE IN BAMBI?!” Naruto was almost hysterical. Sakura clung to him.
“EXACTLY LIKE IN BAMBI!”
The two of them burst into tears. -Sakura and Naruto in Renalin's "Naruto For The Teenage Soul"

“So, how many hearts do you have right now?”
“Four,” said Kakuzu, wondering vaguely why he answered that truthfully.
“What happened to the fifth?”
“Hidan has it.”
Sasori frowned, trying to get his head around this rather unexpected answer.
“Metaphorically?” he ventured at last.
“Hm? No, quite literally. I chopped his leg off and he got angry and tore it out.” -Sarori and Kakuzu in angie_white's "For the Sake of Variety" on livejournal