o.O O.o o.O O.o o.O

My mind says Pox. But my body says Crypto. ...Is that wrong...?
I bark for Ark!

You can also find me on deviantART! I gots a few DAH! thingies. http://gothicmissgrim.deviantart.com/

Hiya folks.

After much thought and doubt, I've finally decided to post my DAH! stuff. These is so little fanfiction out on the net for this awesome series of games, so I thought it was time to show the world there's at least one more huge, insane fan out there. Five of my fanfics are up now, yay.
My brainmeat is crammed with ideas and in the background I'm writing several different stories right now, but if you have a story request, I would be happy to hear it. I might try and write it for ya. :D
A few side notes that go with pretty much all of the stories I write:

- I don't include Gastro. Don't get me wrong, I thought he was hilarious and one of the awesomest weapons in DAH!2, but there just ain't any room for him in my stuff.

- I'll only post stories I've already completed. Only finished stuff.

- Like in the DAH!-games themselves, I like to put little references to other stuff in my, uh... stuff. And I would like it even more if anyone actually noticed them. XD Look for winks towards Simon&Garfunkel, The Birthday Massacre, The Young Ones, t.A.T.u., The Beatles, other shows Richard Horvitz has leant his amazing talents to... It could be anything.

- I ignore most of the stuff from Big Willy Unleashed and Path of the Furon. I thought they were terrible (and that's puttin' it mildly), and only use a few things here and there when I think it makes a nice joke or an interesting plot.

- A lot of my stories start in 1969, and are sort of an alternative take at the time when Crypto acquired his 'package', thus not entirely following the DAH!2 storyline.

- I like to take the smallest details from the games and turn it into something bigger. I took stuff from the 'Splogs' on the net that were published right before DAH!2's release, random conversations by humans you can listen in on in the games, and even dialogue that was cut from the game (see below).

Cut dialogue??, you might be wonderin'. These is a crapload of awesome freakin' stuff on both of the DAH! disks that was never used in-game. If you're nerdy enough to know how to get to it, and when you've got, like, a spare week or so, and the patience of a monolith, then I definitely recommend you try and listen to it. You'll be high for months. At least I was.

Unless you know a better way than with which I did things (which is not at all unlikely, though I hardly remember how I did it), you'll end up with huge files that took my stone age system hours to load. Plus, I was sitting in a room upstairs in the midst of winter, in a house built in 1880, with no central heating. I'm not kiddin'. I was freezing my ass off. But dammit, it was worth it!

There are hours and hours of ingenious stuff you've never heard before. There are even lines spoken by what can only be someone at Pandemic Studios, Brisbane, setting some sort of example. XD

Things you can't help but wonder about Destroy All Humans!:

What IS that weird Furonian charm Crypto has in DAH! 2? You know, that indeterminable, irresistable air about him that is subsequently completely gone in Path of the Furon...?

How does Pox get that turtleneck sweater over his head?

Why would Pox and Crypto be sent off to Earth to gather that precious Furon DNA from human brainstems, going through the hassle of travelling over four lightyears, getting tortured, dissected and killed, get their Mothership blown up, get kidnapped, etc, while there is a freakin' human habitat full o' humans right on the Fourth Ring of Furon?! I hate Path of the Furon, I do. :( If I listed all the things that made no sense in that game, I'd need me a new set of phylangeopods afterwards.

In the first two games, and Path of the Furon, you can read the minds of (pretty much) ALL humans, friend or foe. In DAH!1, you can even read the minds of chickens and cows. In the entire series, the only person whose thoughts remain enigmatically elusive are Pox's. And Crypto's, of course, but why would he want to read his own mind. Plus, I think we all have a pretty good idea what that warrior clone is thinking most of the time.

Whatever happened to that TV-show?

Will there ever be another game...?

A few reasons why Path of the Furon was so disappointing:

Pox and Crypto's characters. - They were off, if you ask me. Crypto was far too crass, the developers seemed to think Pox was an idiot, etc. Also I thought they talked far too loud. I did like how Pox became a little hurt and jealous when Crypto followed the Master like some sick puppy (which he would never do in the first place). And I kinda liked the random conversations between them during gameplay, plus Crypto's exclamations while blowin' stuff up. "Woah!" "Ohh, you light up my life!" XD

The 'humor'. - All of the original games' subtlety and style were gone. While Crypto was cute and charming in his own way in DAH! 1&2, in PotF I just wanted to kick him in the nads. A lot of the humor in PotF consisted of childish, cheap jokes (with Pox more often than not at the rear end of 'em). A cryin' shame. There were a few laughs, sure, but it didn't even come near the awesomeness of Pandemic's games.

The story. - It was crap! Conspiracy here, conspiracy there. It seemed the writers just wanted you to lose track to make the story seem complex and thought-out, but when you really pay attention, it's just really badly written. First the bad guy of whatever town you're in at the moment goes all 'Muahahahah. Yes, it is I, the conspirator. You're an idiot, Crypto, and I'm going to ruin your life, bla bla bla.' When you finally defeat him, suddenly he begs, 'Oh, what did I ever do to you? Why are you after me, I was only minding my own business...!' Sheesh.

Other stuff - I found Veronica Stone and a few other aspects of the game to be offensive to women. Veronica acted like a hussy! "I get the stories, you get me." Blech. Also, the game looked a bit cartoonish, which I didn't like. Plus Pox and Crypto's 'next-gen'-makeover...? Ain't a keeper. A lot of the dialogue isn't played properly during gameplay, plus the physics are all messed up. And last but not least; I will never forgive Sandblast Studios for turnin' Pox into a monkey!

My top-somethin' of favorite characters:

1 - Orthopox, I adore him.
2 - Crypto. It's a photo finish with Pox, though.
3 - Arkvoodle! You're off yer noodle if you don't worship Arkvoodle.
4 - Natalya. She's a badass.
5 - Silhouette. Reminds me of me when I finally lose what little of my sanity I have left. At the same time I also find her terrifying. Not sure why.

And least favorite...:

1 - Veronica, the floozie...
2 - The Master, ugh.
3 - Crousteau. Butt-ugleah!
4 - From here on, it's difficult determining who's next. I didn't really like any of the PotF minor characters. Or the Big Willy ones, for that matter.

Awesomest weapons:

1 - The Dislocator from DAH! 2. I just love messin' around with it (and eventually, I always end up dead). The PotF version was crap, though.
2 - Zap-O-Matic. I love the electrified reactions in DAH! 1&2.
3 - Quantum Deconstructor. Nothin' like a good ol' fashioned huge green explosion to put that smile on your face.
4 - Gastro. I mean, just listening to the guy makes my day.
5 - Anti-Gravity on the Scout Ship. No really. It makes me laugh. Not sure why.

Funniest moments of Destroy All Humans! 1:

1 - Pox when he laughs and subsequently breaks into a cough.
2 - "C'mon, Bertie-boy! I got a little job for ya." I just love Crypto's grin after he says that.
3 - I. Am not. Green.

Creepiest moments of Destroy All Humans! 1:

1 - The Jumbo Probe.
2 - The final boss fight with Silhouette. Just listen to her!
3 - It wasn't actually in the final game, but there used to be a moment in the 'This Island Suburbia'-mission where Crypto really freaks out about the music coming from the ice-cream wagons.

Funniest moments of Destroy All Humans! 2:

1 - Crypto building the antenna.
2 - The entire 'The Majestic File'-mission. "Uncle Orthopoxy said I'm not supposed to talk to strange lifeforms."
3 - Another moment not used in the final game at Solaris. Pox is guiltfully fascinated by the flawlessly round shape of the base's domes and is quite distracted by them as he obviously thinks they resemble a certain pair of female bodyparts. "Head east! ...And keep the camera angle where it is..." XD

Creepiest moments of Destroy All Humans! 2:

1 - Milenkov transforming into his reddish true Blisk form. I'm terrified of lobsters.
2 - Also not in the final game; Crypto getting really pissed off at Dr. Go.
3 - Crypto's dance in the opening movie. Heh heh.

Funniest moments of Path of the Furon:

1 - Pox randomly wearing a baret.
2 - "That bastard stabbed me with a friggin' fish!"
3 - "STEVE!!"

Creepiest moments of Path of the Furon:

1 - The Shen Loooooooong brothel mission. It makes me physically ill.
2 - Crypto singing 'Alouette'. I mean, Crypto? Singing?! French?!
3 - Crypto beating the crap out of Saxon.

Like I mentioned earlier, it sucks you can't read Poxy's mind in any of the games. So I like to make up Pox-thoughts myself that I might include in a DAH! game if I were ever involved in its development:

I hope Crypto doesn't find out about that live human girl I keep hidden away on the Mothership. Rawwr. What a prime specimen she is...

My mind says Marie Curie, but my body says Rosalind Franklin...!

Oh brains... Did I leave the particle accelerator on?

I wonder if I would make a good voice actor...

Aah, Crypto's new 'package' seems to be quite the success. Everytime I see him exit the Scout Ship after returning from a recreational trip to Earth, he has the same frisky and content smile on his face, testosterone still racing through his veins and a strange sweaty but healthy shine about him. How I hate him so.

No one thinks scientists are sexy anymore. Why is that?

Maybe I overdid it with that sennaleaf tea... Ugh, my bowels are killing me.

I still see him giggling to himself everytime he passes the hypobaric testing chamber. Laugh now, Crypto!! But if you ever get your head stuck in a low-pressure vessel, I'm not going to rescue you!

What is this 'goth' they speak of? And I wonder if Crypto was serious when he said I ought to dye my robes black since I've already 'got the spikes and the attitude'?

Is 40 lbs too little?

What should I get Crypto for Priapismas this year?

Wiggle your big toe. ...Wiggle your big toe. Wiggle. Your. Big. Toe.

Brains. Twenty years, and I still get homesick. Mother was right. I should have dropped out of university after the sixteenth time they stole my clothes while I was taking a shower, and taken up my second love; fractal art.

Now where did I leave that cobalt-60 capsule...?

I should never have fallen asleep in the lab last Tuesday. I still find sticky notes on the back of my head.

Plangent? I don't see how that applies to me.

I really must find out what's causing that infernal stench in the cargo hold.

What does 'scopperloit' mean, anyway? I think Crypto just made it up.

Deep down, I'm just a hopeless romantic.

Would I look taller in pants?

I keep finding mice and mashed potatoes in my sock drawer. I wonder why.

This doesn't feel right... Feels like... everything's further away...

I haven't heard any word from the Homeworld in over five years. And everytime I try to make a transmission, the busy signal keeps on ringing. Perhaps the Admiral wasn't joking after all when he called me a flake...

Limerence.

But anyway... If anyone who's ever worked on Destroy All Humans! 1 and/or 2 ever happens to read my humble profile (especially the genius that is Tom Abernathy) :
Thank you so very very much for creating those awesome games. I adore Pox and Crypto, and I feel the games are not getting the attention they deserve. The characters and storyline are unique and freakin' awesome, and I think the only time I'm going to stop playing them and writing fanfiction, is when I die.

If the high and mighty Richard Horvitz and/or Grant Albrecht ever graces my humble profile with their attention:
You guys are geniuses. I worship you.

If anyone who's ever worked on Big Willy Unleashed and/or Path of the Furon ever reads this:
I loathe you.

As for personal information about yours truly... I'm Dutch (and not proud of it), a chick, and very boring. That's all you're gettin'.
Aah, what the heck. Since I'm already makin' lists, here's two more.

A few things I really like:

Destroy All Humans! - Obviously.
Sleeping - I sleep in this weird hole in the wall and I often have semi-erotic dreams about Crypto. ...Is that wrong?
Instant noodles - Yum yum!
Cookies - Ever heard of speculaas? I eat loads of it ever year.
Donkeys - I gots two of 'em walkin' around my house. Also two goats. I like them too, even though they're a couple'a criminals.
Invader Zim - One of those rare shows that never get old.
Autumn/Fall - It makes me feel all nice and gloomy.
Plants - I'm a chlorophyll aficionado.
Quiet - Ever since my neighbours' dog disappeared, I've been uncharacteristically content.
Gemstones - Shiny.
Turtleneck sweaters - Mandatory gear for nerds, scientists and artists. I wear 'em all the time.

A few things I strongly dislike:

People - No really. I'm pretty much a hermit.
Crustaceans - What most chicks have with spiders, I got with crustaceans. I sometimes wake up and scramble out my bed screamin' because I think there's a lobster in it with me. Laugh, you may. I'm even uncomfortable with touching sand, as I fear there might be crab bits in it. Ugh!!
Germs - The ultimate invisible enemy.
Running out of cookies or noodles - Or coffee, or shampoo, or chicken feed, or patience.
Children - Don't get me started on this.
Meat - I've been a nerdy vegan since I was nine.
Waking up in the middle of the night to get up and take a leak - Don't you hate it when that happens?
Hanging laundry up to dry - I just hate doin' that. Probably because I'm a lazy bastard.
Hearing annoying sounds other folks don't - And when you tell 'em, they subsequently think you're full of crap.

Person I'd most love to meet in the world:
Richard Horvitz! I must meet mister Horvitz, please!

Right-o. That concludes my profile. Thanks for actually readin' it, please. :D