Oscar Templeton (2092-3021)

With his limited knowledge of the written word and his overuse of the word ‘rice’, Oscar Templeton has become somewhat of a posthumous superstar over the past fifty years, constipating the creative flow of no less than hundreds of young authors and causing them to write weird for the sake of weird.

Accidentally achieving cult status after his books were used as ciphers during the early wars, many critics cited his sudden surge of popularity as “an asinine fluke of nature,” stating that any reader who would “choose to somehow enjoy his work must be apart of that irritating ‘so-bad-that-it’s-good’ crowd. You know the kind.”

However, his printed works received some notice when it was discovered that events in at least two of his novels had come true, meaning that he had been a prophet all along. An entire aging generation with egg on their face spent the final years of their lives retracting their reviews, citing Templeton as “the next big thing, yesterday. You know what I mean.”

Templeton’s confusing existence came to an abrupt boom when he exploded in a cloud of shaved glass, accompanied by what witnesses claimed was “the smell of carbon.” Templeton’s loyal critics responded enthusiastically, calling it a good career move, “the best since the passage of time itself.”

Readers and loyal followers (Lil’ Oscars) will have to decide for themselves if his novels have any entertainment value or curative properties, but one thing is certain for those who despise him: at least he can’t write anymore.

Novels:
The Fourth Go
Neutral Expression (re-titled as Through Smiling Politely)
Learn From My Mistake
Victory Tastes Yellow
Tongue in a Box
It’s Never Ending With You (omnibus)
Robbed the Wrong Way: An Assortment (posthumous)
The Hostile Interview (posthumous; nonfiction)

Quotes:

“Fuck you ya walkin subgenre.” (motto)

“It isn’t a matter of hating rice, make no mistake. I don’t hate rice. I’d go as far as to say that I love rice, but you can’t get me to touch the stuff, rice. This befuddles many of the rice-lovers I converse with, and I bring it up to these rice-lovers every chance I get. I try to explain how I feel about rice but they won’t listen, claiming that we weren’t even talking about rice. But I always assure them that we were, we were always talking about it. Rice, that is.” (when asked about opinion on overseas immigration, 3010)

“How can it hurt if all I feel is the pain?” (response to query about his novels, 3011)

“If you leave reality, you better make sure you never come back. Is that a bone?” (conversation with dog, 3012)

“What kind of name is Ralph anyway? Sounds like you’re throwing up.” (hostile interview on The Hostile Interview, work in progress as of 3017, 3017)

“He had some.” (common clarification of plot holes)

“Don’t EVER confuse respect with common courtesy!” (while throttling politician, 3018)

“It’s okay to be a prick when you don’t have one.” (to 8 year-old girl who asked for his autograph, and then promptly spat in his face, 3019)

“Souls smell like chicken when you burn them.” (awakening from coma, after disappearance, 3019)

“I’ll be your option until you find another one.” (common response to propositions)

“Displacement is the real compromise. That is a bone, isn’t it?” (follow-up conversation, different dog, 3021)

“Not my fault they all fucking look alike.” (on dogs, though some speculate that it’s another rice rant, 3021)

“Dark matter.” (final words, 3021)

“I love you.” (cries from the grave, 3022-3024)

Updates:

Look for the Oscar Templeton unauthorized biography, I Remain Disappointed, coming out later next year!

A newly discovered collection of previously unreleased poetry, Feel Free/To Agree, will also be released LATER NEXT YEAR!

They Were Desperate and I Was Nearby: Memoirs coming soon.