Hi.

I don't know how to make a creative, mind-blowing profile.

Sorry.

I can't write short, snappy descriptions.

But I am a short, snappy person.

It runs in the family.

Does this bother you?

My short, inane sentences?

I hope so.

Also, I hope I'm wasting your time.

That's the whole point of profiles, right?

Right?

If not, then someone lied to me.

Why would you do that?

That's terrible.

I hope your happy with the pain you've caused.

You sadist.

Now you've ruined my life.

I'm going to run away from my family, and become a hermit in the Netherlands.

Wait, I hate cold weather.

Dammit.

Where should I go instead?

Alaska?

No, that's too cold.

Hawaii!

Eh, too many coconuts.

Saudi Arabia.

No...they might cut off my hands.

I'm a kleptomaniac.

Yes, I did just steal your bobblehead.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to do it.

Please don't cut off my hands.

I use them to write fanfics.

Yes. Fanfics.

People read them, and make comments about them.

Are you a people?

Then, isn't it about time you start reading my fanfics, and making comments about them?

Yeah, I thought so.

What are you doing reading this stupid profile?

Go!

Go!

Go!

Immerse yourself in my writing!

I swear to you it's just like an acid trip.

Except totally different.

Well?

Are you still reading?

Wow, I'm impressed.

Now get a life, you pathetic loser.

Say what?

Oh, no you didn't.

Well yo' mama eats raisin muffins!

Yeah, that's right.

You heard me.

RAISIN MUFFINS.

Excuse me? My mama does NOT sell donuts.

Nu-uh.

That wasn't my mama you saw.

That was her twin sister Cindy with the lisp.

Speaking of lisps...yo' mama has one!

Oh! I think someone just got burned good!

Speaking of burning...do you smell something?

Oh no! Cindy set fire to my books again! She always does this when I make fun of her stupid lisp.

Cindy? Cindy? I can't understand what you're saying, sweetheart.

Why don't you try saying it without a lisp?

Put out that fire. I need those books if I'm going to pass med school.

What are you talking about? Of course Heart Surgery for Dummies is accurate.

It's the best sellers to all heart surgeons out there.

Now shut up, and let me finish plugging shamelessly here.

Damn! Are you still reading?

Well, if you are, then I might as well...

...I think I'm going to try a little subliminal messaging.

My favorite author is Terry Pratchett!

He is just absolutely hilarious!

Like my fanfics.

And don't you just love Sidney Sheldon?

He died though. :(

Like you if you don't read my fanfics.

I wish I met him.

I love to listen to Bowling for Soup.

And Simple Plan.

Hey, here's a simple plan: read my fanfics!

Fountains of Wayne totally rocks!

Like my fanfics.

I love to write.

And I'm great! I say you read my fanfics.

And read.

Good stories...like my fanfics.

Also drawing. But I'm not great.

Unlike when it comes to writing fanfics. Woo-hoo!

I love great comedy.

Which is why I read my fanfics all the time!

My favorite comedian is Craig Ferguson.

He has the most awesome accent, and sharp wit.

Like my fanfics.

At a close second has got to be Colin Mochrie, though.

Shiny.

Like money.

I love money.

It's great.

Like my fanfics.

My greatest wish is for world peace.

And a million dollars.

If I get a million reviews before I get a million dollars.

I will bungee jump off the Grand Canyon.

Fun!

Like reading my fanfics.

Eh, I want to be a teacher.

In Mathematics.

But I'm really bad at Math.

But my fanfics are great!

I'm trying hard, though.

You should try harder.

Read my fanfics.

My favorite past time in the world?

Typing up really cool profiles.

The rambling kind.

The pointless ones with no...point.

Unlike my fanfics.

Which have great plot, and awesome twists.

Like the Harry Potter series.

Oh no.

I hate the Harry Potter series.

Forget I said that.

Um...like the Series of Unfortunate Events books?

No, I hate those, too.

I've got it!

My fanfics resemble Dude, Where's My Car?

It is clean, wholesome fun.

Except for the clean and wholesome part.

They're just fun.

So read them.

NOW.

How about that?

I bet you barely noticed me trying to manipulate you into reading my fanfics.

That's the kind of subtlety I put in my stories.

You'd be awed if you read one.

Once you go GlobalD...

...you never go sideways.

See ya.

And it better be in a review for one of my fics.

Thanks.

Oh, and I will let the first person to tell me the secret word place their special advertisement here (what better place to put it than my profile?):