Always loving:
High-quality cartoons -- When a creator shows a respect for his/her audience, it shows
Film & TV criticism -- Turn on, listen in, parse out
Comic books across the ages -- Some human truths, neither word nor film can capture
Baroque pop, Art rock -- If your lyrics and music don't mean something, why should we listen?
Cable dramas -- The potential to push so many boundaries
Bathroom wall graffiti -- Destructive, expressive, crass, universal
Dr. McNinja -- The most consistently clever, funny, and story-driven webcomic ever
Self-ridicule -- No one can make fun of you if you do it meaner, faster, and better than they do

Toasting hater-ade to:
People without ambition -- ...
Romantic comedy leads -- No one would actually ever want to end up with a Katherine Heigl or a Matthew McConaughey
Dance pop & AutoTune -- Copy --> Paste --> Profit
Personal-drama-fueled reality TV -- Making networks abandon scripted TV since American Idol
Extreme political tendencies -- Both sides love stupid slogans and picking fights. Why would you purposely provoke them?
xkcd and "nerd chic" -- Glasses = nerd, right?
The Bandwagon -- If you have to ask what it is, you're on it!

Writers
on ffnet are like
mental asylum patients.
Some are funny but most
are way too painfully braindead.
The boys don’t want to reach for you
because your narcissism and HURR CHEEZ
“randomness”... ... ...is just not... ... ...funny or
even interesting... ... ...Try writing... ... ...something
with some ounce... ... ...of originality... ...and maybe
you’ll amount to... ... ...something... ...someday.
Although, truth be told: if apples motivate you
to a brighter tomorrow, you may be beyond
any hope of-- --ever-- getting --past
this awkward-- weird-- little-- --phase.
Hey look! I-- --made-- a cute-- squid.
Wow, guess-- --this-- --really-- --isn’t so
hard after-- -- --all.-- -- --Yeah-- --Cthulhu!

Remember: the sweetest strawberries grow right next to the
weird, ugly, disfigured ones, but they don’t
cut themselves and write angsty fanfiction.

It’s not a profound metaphor, it’s fruit.

FRIENDS

A friend hugs you and tells you he wasn't worth it.
A 13-year-old girl who thinks she’s OMGsooooooooooFUNNY (zomg!sporks!cheeze!) walks up to him and says 'It's cuz ur gay, isn't it?

A friend helps you up when you trip.
A douchebag laughs and says 'Walk much, dumbass?'

A friend shares their umbrella with you.
A petty criminal takes yours and yells 'RUN BITCH, RUN!'

A stranger doesn’t care about stabbing you in the back, or anywhere really.
A jerk will stab you in the back.
But only best friends will leave. you. the hell. alone.

A friend will bail you out of jail.
A best friend will sit next to you out of jail and say, “Wow, aren’t you glad I killed that snooping investigator and dumped his body in a swamp so that we didn't get caught like some amateur, bored, suburban white kids desperately crying out for attention?”

And you’ll say, “Yup.”

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE? STEREOTYPES!

I'm a GUY, so I MUST have both a penis and occasional sexual urges that lead me to make mistakes.
I’m a GIRL, so I MUST have a condition where I bleed every so often and my hormones affect my emotional reactions.

I'm BLACK, so I MUST have dark skin.
I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be interested in the history of my ethnic identity.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy. (That's a pretty difficult stereotype to live with. My condolences.)
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have crossed the border at some point. Unless my entire family line teleported.

I'm WHITE and have black friends, so I MUST think I'm racially sensitive and tolerant. No, really I am. D’Shawn and me are like sooo tight… we’re brothas. Seriously, sometimes he lets me say the N word. Fo reals, yo.
I take (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST share that with everybody. Seriously though, have heard about how I was on anti-depressants!?

I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have had a period where I consumed more calories than my body could break down.
I wear short SKIRTS and no UNDERWEAR, so I MUST be a slut.

I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST tell absolutely everyone about it, not consider the prudence of waiting until I'm older before attaching labels to myself, and keeping private information private.
I'm BI and underage, so I am statistically MORE THAN LIKELY going through a phase.

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST have had sex and didn't have the foresight to consider the social/psychological ramifications when other people inevitably found out.
I’m a STONER, so I MUST be doing drugs and bizarrely proud of it.

I'm a SKATER, so I MUST… not realize that skating hasn’t really been cool or popular to anyone over the age of 12 since the late nineties. Seriously.
I'm a PUNK in a 21st century high school, so I MUST... have only a tenuous grasp of what a punk actually is.

I DRESS in unusual ways, so I MUST be looking for attention. Yeah, stop looking at the clothes that I -- like several million other people -- bought at the mall or my make up -- that I lifted straight from the internet -- or my "rebellious" Converse.
I'm NOT like EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST... not yet realize that the world consists of more than just my rinky-dink high school and stupid podunk town and that literally thousands of kids take college classes in high school.

I SPEAK my MIND, so I MUST come off as kind of a bitch, as well as probably overly aggressive and asocial, especially in cases where not speaking my mind and staying calm and rational would be more helpful, prudent, and morally advisable. But hey… don’t stereotype me!
I'm a PERFECTIONIST, so I MUST check evrytng ten times, thm burst into ters at one mistak.

I have big BOOBS, so I MUST be letting a youthful opportunity pass me by while I wallow in self-pity.
I got a CAR for my BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat. Yeah, whataya thinka that?

I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST… what? That’s not even spelled right. What is a “Christan?” Who writes this stuff?
I'm an ATHEIST, so I MUST not believe in a god.

I don't have a RELIGION, so I GOTTA jump on some bandwagon!
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST… have no idea the long-term hell I’m unleashing on my genitals…

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore. (All kidding aside, who wrote this beautiful gem of truth? I didn’t even make this up)
I tell people OFF, so I MUST learn to control my temper if I ever want to fit into civilized society and get along with the rest of the world.

I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE, so I MUST… not actually be a stereotype but just one person who added themselves to list hoping to feel better? I guess.

I use UPPERCASE, so I MUST be poignant, insightful, and original.

I’m YOUNG, so I AM an idiot.