Boston, MA

Big On:
Comic books across the ages
High-qual cartoons
Film criticism
Baroque pop, Twee rock / Avant-pop, Noise rock
Judaism
Showtime and HBO's one-hour dramas
Graffiti on bathroom walls
Dr. McNinja
Self-ridicule

No So Keen On:
People who grab restaurant booths when they're alone
Crazy child-prodigies who play music on YouTube videos
Knee-jerk reactions to possible racism
People who become fans after the media hype starts up and claim to be hardcore
Gratuitous film nudity
People who insist that South Park has some kind of artistic/intellectual merit
"Bro"s
Delusional fan-invented yaoi

Writers
on ffnet are like
mental asylum patients.
Some are funny but most
are way too painfully braindead.
The boys don’t want to reach for you
because your narcissism and HURR CHEEZ
“randomness”... ... ...is just not... ... ...funny or
even interesting... ... ...Try writing... ... ...something
with some ounce... ... ...of originality... ...and maybe
you’ll amount to... ... ...something... ...someday.
Although truth be told: if apples motivate you
to a brighter tomorrow, you may be beyond
any hope of-- --ever-- getting --past
this awkward-- weird-- little-- --phase.
Hey look! I-- --made-- a cute-- squid.
Wow, guess-- --this-- --really-- --isn’t so
hard after-- -- --all.-- -- --Yeah-- --Cthulhu!

Remember: the sweetest strawberries grow right next to the
weird, ugly, disfigured ones, but they don’t
cut themselves and write angsty fanfiction.

It’s not a profound metaphor, it’s fruit.

FRIENDS

A friend hugs you and tells you he wasn't worth it.
A 13-year-old girl who thinks she’s OMGsooooooooooFUNNY (zomg!sporks!cheeze!) walks up to him and says 'It's cuz ur gay, isn't it?

A friend helps you up when you trip.
A douchebag laughs and says 'Walk much, dumbass?'

A friend shares their umbrella with you.
A petty criminal takes yours and yells 'RUN BITCH, RUN!'

A stranger doesn’t care about stabbing you in the back, or anywhere really.
Most bitches stab you in the back.
Most boyfriends will try to do something else in the back.
But only best friends will leave. you. the hell. alone.

A friend will bail you out of jail.
A best friend will sit next to you out of jail and say, “Wow, aren’t you glad I killed that cop and dumped his body so that we didn’t get caught like some amateur, bored, suburban white kids desperately crying out for attention?”

And you’ll say, “Yup.”

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE? STEREOTYPES!

I'm a GUY, so I MUST have both a penis and occasional sexual urges that lead me to make mistakes.
I’m a GIRL, so I MUST have a condition where I bleed every so often and my hormones affect my emotional reactions.

I'm BLACK, so I MUST have dark skin.
I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be interested in the history of my ethnic identity.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy. Wait, why am I bitching again?
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have crossed the border at some point. Umm… yeah, either me or my ancestors.

I'm WHITE and have black friends, so I MUST think I'm racially sensitive and tolerant. No, really I am. D’Shawn and me are like sooo tight… we’re like brothas. Seriously, sometimes he lets me say the N word. Fo reals, yo.
I take (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST have been depressed.

I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have had a period where I consumed more calories than my body could break down.
I wear short SKIRTS and no UNDERWEAR, so I MUST be a slut.

I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST be into girls.
I'm BI and underage, so I am MORE THAN LIKELY going through a phase.

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST have had sex.
I’m a STONER, so I MUST be doing drugs.

I'm a SKATER, so I MUST… not realize that skating hasn’t really been cool or popular to anyone over the age of 13 since the late nineties. Seriously, man…
I'm a PUNK in the 21st century, so I MUST have no idea what a punk really is.

I DRESS in unusual ways, so I MUST be looking for attention. Yeah, stop looking at my huge dragon tattoo on my face and my foot high Mohawk and my nine facial piercings and my ghostly pale skin and…
I'm NOT like EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST not realize yet that the world consists of more than just my little high school and my stupid podunk town.

I SPEAK my MIND, so I MUST come off as kind of a bitch as well as probably overly aggressive and asocial, especially in cases where not speaking my mind and staying calm and rational would be more helpful, prudent, and morally advisable. But hey… don’t stereotype me!
I'm a PERFECTIONIST, so I MUST check evrytng ten times, thm burst into ters at one mistak. Yeah, tht’s actualy right.

I have big BOOBS, so I MUST be complaining about nothing.
I got a CAR for my BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat. No really, I am.

I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST… what? That’s not even spelled right. What is a “Christan?” Who writes this stuff?
I'm an ATHEIST, so I MUST not believe in a god.

I don't have a RELIGION, so I GOTTA jump on some bandwagon!
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST… have no real idea what the hell I’m doing…

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore. All kidding aside… who wrote this beautiful gem of truth? I didn’t even make this up.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST learn to control my temper if I ever want to fit into civilized society and get along with the rest of the world.

I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE, so I MUST… not actually be a stereotype but just one person who added herself to list hoping to make herself feel better? What?

I use UPPERCASE, so I MUST be poignant, insightful, and original.

I’m YOUNG, so I AM an idiot.

I have...
...slept among homeless people
...licked a person's eyeball
...changed clothes on the subway
...pointed a gun at an officer
...shared too much information

The Black Letters