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Funny Quotes

Psych
Gus: Don't eat it!
Shawn Spencer: Do I look like an idiot?
bags the food
Gus: What, you're taking some to go?
Shawn Spencer: Yes, for the road. In case later on I get hungry enough to eat something that might be poisoned!

Shawn Spencer: Kudos on the childrearing. Let me know how the therapy goes.
Mother: Huh?

Landlord: Gus is lying on the floor pretending to be dead What the hell's going on?
Shawn Spencer: Nothing, man.
Landlord: Nothing? Is that guy dead?
Shawn Spencer: sighs Damn it. Now you've seen too much.
Landlord: Uh, I didn't see anything.
Shawn Spencer: Yeah, ya did. You're in this just as deep as I am now. We're going to have to work together.
Landlord: nervous Okay.
Shawn Spencer: I assume this building has an incinerator, yeah?
Landlord: Yeah.
Shawn Spencer: 'Kay. We just have to chop up the body. Then we put the limbs in little plastic baggies and the torso we're going to have to melt down with a blow torch.
Landlord looks sick
Burton 'Gus' Guster: getting up Okay, I've heard enough.
Landlord: terrified at seeing Gus alive Oh!
runs from the room

Burton 'Gus' Guster: Shawn coughs after a cloud of dust comes out of a file drawer he just opened What are you doing?
Shawn Spencer: Getting the Plague, apparently.

Young Shawn: playing chess with his dad Oh what's the term?
Henry Spencer: Shawn..
Young Shawn: Oh yeah,
smiles
Young Shawn: checkmate.

Shawn Spencer: Lassie!
Shawn gives Lassiter a "Psych" snowglobe
Carlton Lassiter: uneasily I... I hate snowglobes.
Shawn Spencer: Well, that's funny. My psychic senses told me specifically that snowglobes didn't give you nightmares about being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burns your skin off.

Carlton Lassiter: Alright! Who keeps telling people I want snow globes for Christmas?

Henry Spencer: Well, Shawn, looks like another draw this year.
Shawn Spencer: Yes, it appears so.
Shawn opens his present
Shawn Spencer: Oh, look at that! Little "Psych" golf balls.
Henry Spencer: I also signed you up for lessons with the golf pro at the Santa Barbara Municipal Course.
Shawn Spencer: Aww, that's sweet, Dad, thank you. All right, your turn.
Henry Spencer: Oh... all right. No idea what this is.
Henry opens his present and finds a folded square of paper
Henry Spencer: What is this?
unfolds the paper
Henry Spencer: reading "Dear Dad, You got me 'Psych' golf balls and golf lessons with the pro down at the Municipal Course."
Shawn Spencer: Turn it over, turn it over, turn it over!
Henry flips over the note
Henry Spencer: reading "I believe his name is Pierre."
Shawn Spencer: BOOYAH! I got you, old man!

Burton 'Gus' Guster: watching Shawn over the security cameras as Shawn tries to evade him, and they use cell phones to talk I saw that. Got it on two angles... Do you wanna give this up any time soon?... You're crawling... I see you Shawn. You're behind the plant... See you there, see you there... The plant is moving across the room, Shawn... Leave that poor lady alone, Shawn... You're using the carpet? Really? Wait a minute, I almost bought that for a second... You're using the wolf pelt?... This is like watching Entrapment, but instead of watching Catherine Zeta-Jones, they have some guy with pancake butt.

Henry Spencer: I...I, um...I got a...uh...I got a phone call a couple of days ago, and... um, I don't know if you have any plans, but, um...
Henry leans in very close
Henry Spencer: Are you busy on Saturday?
Shawn Spencer: You...want me to come with you to awkward class?

Burton 'Gus' Guster: mocking Shawn after his phone is muted Look at me, look at me, I love my hair! I can make obscure '80s references that nobody understands. Laugh at me, ha ha ha! Hey, know something about me? I have a motorcycle, but I never seem to be riding it!

Henry Spencer: We have nothing to worry about. We didn't do anything wrong. We didn't break any laws.
Shawn and Gus exchange looks
Henry Spencer: Oh no! Oh no! What- What did you do Shawn?
Shawn Spencer: Nothing. It's just that laws keep changing. It's getting very challenging to keep up with them all. For instance, did you know that it is now illegal to give a perm to a possum?

leaving a message on Henry's answering machine while tied up
Shawn Spencer: Hey, Dad, what's going on? I've got good news. Great news. The electric wrench you've been wanting is in stock at Home Depot. Uh...what else? I know there was something else. Oh, I know! If you're not too busy, Gus, Jack, and I are tied up in a cabin about one hundred yards from Tunnel Road. Right by where we had those pulled pork sandwiches that one time.

Shawn Spencer: If I were a French pirate with a bad temper and at least one venereal disease, where would I be looking?

returning to Henry's house, they see light from a flashlight inside
Shawn Spencer: Dad, somebody's in the house!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Let's call the police. We should call the police.
Henry walks to a bird house and pulls out a stun gun
Shawn Spencer: You keep a stun gun in the bird house? What's under the garden gnome, an M80!?
Henry points to his eyes and then the roof
Shawn Spencer: You want me to poke you in the eyes on the roof?
Henry gives him an exasperated look then motions for him to go around the side of the house

Henry Spencer: I don't give anyone keys. Not even Shawn.
Shawn Spencer: That's not true. I made a copy a while back. It was when I was hooked on Wow Wow Wubsie on Noggin. I didn't have cable. Oh, I also stole your toilet paper for about a year, and a huge box of sporks.

Carlton Lassiter: looking at Shawn from the other side of a one-way mirror, and Shawn's looking straight back There's no way he can see or hear us.
he moves his finger along the glass and Shawn follows it
Carlton Lassiter: OK, that's just creepy.