Friendship Prayer

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch... Amen.

Random Quote:

"Okay. I've accepted that HP/GW and RW/HG are the canon couples. This just reminds me that I normally hate canon couples. So I'm gonna keep believing in the HHr ship and there's nothing you can do about it! =P"

Updates:

7-18-09

Ughhh... I'm SORRY! Wait a bit longer, if you still are even interested, please! ...but you might not wanna hold your breath... don't want y'all dying on me...
An Interesting New Year Ch. 8: 2 percent done
Mystery Ch. 5: 50 percent done

Things Going On With Me:

7-18-09

I'm sick and nauseous and my head fricken hurts like no other...

Well, since you are here I better give you something to read!

Name: EvilFaerie17

Age: guess; you might get a prize.

Gender: If you're smart, you'll figure it out

Birthday: May 3rd

Hair: Longish and dark brown with natural highlights cause of the sun (I got a hair cut and finally got the red out! :D)

Eyes: Brown and I wear glasses

Location: Texas, but I do not have that ridiculous accent that the movies and other people think we do. Actually, hardly anyone here does! Some people do, I'll admit that, but I am not one of them, except on VERY few occasions where I am forced to laugh at myself cause it's so funny. Some people say that I have an accent but neither they nor I know where it's from, but my mom is convinced that it is from New York. I have also been known to talk in a British or Australian accent without knowing it. I know, I'm weird...

Random: Don't mess with me because I can and will scare you. Just ask anyone who knows me--I can scare anyone. It's a gift -smirk-. I love white tigers and dogs, I love tattoos and am planning on getting some later. I believe in the supernatural, i.e. ghosts, vampires, werewolves, magic, etc...

Now, I want you all to be nice to these people. They are great and nice and awesome.

LOTXii and Sevvy101 and Lack Thereof and Yarochisai

Things I Like!

Color: Red, Black, Blue, Green, Purple (various shades, depends on my mood)

Pairings: HP--Harry/Hermione, Ron/Luna, James/Lily, Draco/Hermione, Sirius/Lily, Remus/Lily... IY--Inuyasha/Kagome, Sesshomaru/Kagome, Miroku/Sango... Naruto--Sakura with any guy except for Sasuke, I don't like him with her, or Kankuro for reasons unspecified... Sky High--Warren/Layla... LWD--Derek/Casey... DP--Danny/Sam, Tucker/Valerie... Veronica Mars--Veronica/Any guy except Wallace (they are friends and should stay that way =))...etc...

Things I Don't Like!!

Color: Pink...Ugh

Pairings: HP--HARRY/GINNY, RON/HERMIONE (I absolutely CANNOT stand these pairings, and I got so mad to find out that they are the actual canon couples, but then I just reminded myself that I normally don't really like canon couples), Peter/anyone... IY--Sesshomaru/Rin, Sesshomaru/Kagura, Inuyasha/Kikyo, Naraku/anyone, Miroku/Kagome (UNLESS IT'S A GOOD STORY), Inuyasha/Sango (UNLESS IT'S A GOOD STORY)... Naruto--Sasuke/Sakura (hate it)... Sky High--Will/Layla (she belongs with Warren!)... LWD--Derek/Emily, Derek/Kendra, Sam/Casey... DP--Danny/Valerie, Danny/Paulina, Tucker/Sam...Veronica Mars--Veronica/Wallace...etc...

Things that bug me: When people abuse their right to be stupid...especially on purpose!...The one person whispering in a dead silent room...Nail tapping, I hate it,...Being tapped on the shoulder...Stupid people...

RANT TIME: When people bash other people's stories for no reason at all! They just tear the author down and don't leave an email to let them get back to you...those are the worst. If you're going to say something really mean, don't be a coward! Leave a way to get a hold of you... When people read a story and then bash the pairing throughout the whole review or bash the story itself--NEWSFLASH: you don't have to read it! If you don't like it, then don't read it! There! Problem: SOLVED! Use the advice... When people use a cuss word in every single sentence. I write them in my stories and only say them in extreme situations or singing to a song, but I hate it when people say them all the time, or write them all the time in the story.

Okay, rant over! Sorry people, but that really bugs the heck out of me! (lol)

Quotes I Like: (btw, I add new quotes at the bottom of the list... in case anyone cares...)

~"Ok, how do you spell SBC? ...wait..." -my little sister

~"We did it, we did it, oh yeah, yeah, yeah! You're not eating here tonight! Whoo! Eating here tonight no, no, no eating here tonight, you on a diet!" -Dory and Marlin from Finding Nemo.

~"HONK!" -my older sister actually yelled HONK while driving in the car one day instead of pressing on the horn.

~"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..." -Dory from Finding Nemo.

~"Don't shoot the messenger; he has a horse ride to pay off." –Me.

~ “I love my shoes!” –Lauren
“I like them t- whoa...” –Me
“We have the same shoes!” –Both of us in choir, and then we all laughed.

~"You may now kiss the cow... Bride! Bride!" -Ryan Stiles, from Whose Line is it Anyway?.

~"I CAN'T SLEEP!" - London
"AND NOW I CAN'T HEAR!" -Maddie
"NEITHER CAN I!" -Esteban
"NO YELLING IN THE LOBBY!" -Mr. Moseby, from the Suite Life of Zack and Cody.

~"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!" -Baker's wife
"It that you, my prince?" -Rapunzel
"Uh," deepens voice, "Yes!" -Baker's wife, from Into The Woods.

~"Ee, ah, UNH!" slams door, "It's FLYING!" -Me, in relations to a BIG flying bug, and I slammed my door closed in order to keep it out (I really hate bugs).

~"Stupid bugs..." -Me
"Why do we always find them in the restroom?" -my little sister
"Because they want to scare us on the toilet!" –Me.

~"Put your hands up!" -inside joke between me and two friends.

~"You look familiar, have I threatened you before?" -Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean

~"When life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a squirt gun and aim for the eyes!" -I heard it somewhere.

~"I say that we take a cannon, aim it at his door and then knock three times and when he answers Sandy Claws will be no more!"
"You're so stupid think now, if we blow him up to smithereens, we may lose some pieces and then Jack will beat us black and green!" -Lock, Shock, and Barrel from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

~"If you want me to smile, turn around and walk away, but if you want me to frown, go ahead, stay." -something I said to someone I didn't want to talk to at the time.

~"AGONY!" -both Cinderella and Rapunzel's princes. It's part of a funny song from Into the Woods (just listen to the song if you don't get it).

~"I'd rather be a nerd than a superficial bitch." –Me.

~"Meow!" -Colin Mochrie --From Whose Line Is It Anyway? (it's funny if you saw that episode).

~"When in danger, or in doubt, run in circles, scream, and shout." –Unknown.

~"School gets in the way of my learning." -Mark Twain.

~"Harry, I've left a letter telling your aunt & uncle not to worry-" –Lupin
"They won't" – Harry
"That you're safe-" –Lupin
"That'll just depress them" –Harry (Harry Potter).

~“Now, let’s all show our skills as a family of profession thieves!”- Emiko (DNAngel)

~"I don't believe it! I don't believe it! Oh Ron how wonderful! A prefect! That’s everyone in the family!" –Molly Weasley
"What are Fred and I, next-door neighbors?" –George Weasley (Harry Potter).

~"One way for surviving high school: keep your head down and your mouth shut. That way nobody knows you even exist unless they crash into you on accident."- Unknown

~“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.” -Yogi Berra

~“The only real diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.” –Unknown

~“I don’t really fit in,”- Raven
“He’s green, I’m half metal, and she’s from outer space. You fit in just fine,”- Cyborg (Teen Titians)

~"Didn't your mother tell you not to play with fire? Maybe you weren't listening or you were too busy burning the house down."- Kenshin (Rurouni Kenshin)

~"We've just witnessed what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is 'being an ass'."- Shigure (Fruits Basket)

~"When I was born I was so surprised, I didn't talk for a year and a half."- Gracie Allen

~"Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shutup'."- Joe Namath

~"Don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."- Alise Bordchardt

~"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."- Groucho Marx

~"The first thing we do, let's kill all lawyers."- William Shakespeare

~"The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too."- Anton Chekhov

~"If all else fails, kill the messenger."- Unknown (YES, I know this contradicts my other quote, but it’s funny!)

~"I've heard similar things from fools whose memories I keep alive by dancing on their tombstones!"- Inuyasha (Inuyasha)

~"Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife."- James H. Kabbler III.

~"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."- Johnny Carson

~"Never moon a werewolf."- Mike Binder

~“Now's the best time to say "Gee, Mr. Lancer, I had no idea being a teacher was so difficult."- Mr. Lancer
”I'm fourteen... I don't really care...”- Danny (Danny Phantom)

~“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -not wounded- dead.” -Woody Allen

~"Elizabeth is safe, like I promised. She's going to marry the commodore, like she promised. And you're going to die for her, like you promised. So we're all men of our words except for Elizabeth who is in fact a woman."- Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)

~"Is the answer A, the Fenton Portal? Destroyed it. B? The only remaining portal? The one my idiot cheese head arch enemy has? As soon as I find it, that's going to."- Dan
"Cheese head? Vlad Masters? He's your arch enemy?"- Jazz
"Is it C, you? No. You can't stop me from cheating on the CAT and solidifying my future, so it must be D! None of the above!"- Dan (Danny Phantom The Ultimate Enemy)

~"What kind of parents are you? The worlds leading ghost experts, and you can't figure out your own son is half ghost!"- Dan
"For the record, I blame you."- Jack to Maddie
"Hello! Danny Phantom! Danny Fenton! Ever notice the similarities?"- Dan (Danny Phantom The Ultimate Enemy)

~“To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.”- Benjamin Franklin

~"There's so much irony here I could write a poem. The kidnapper needs help with a kidnapping" - Holly (Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident)

~"The only reasons I learn other languages is to 1) talk to people OUTSIDE of this country. 2) to insult people in the country who I despise."- Unknown

~“A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.”- Bill Cosby

~"Now the world will endure 1000 years of darkness!"- Master Fung:
"Why 1000?"- Kimiko
"It's actually 962 years, but 1000 sounds more ominous."- Master Fung (Xiaolin Showdown)

~“This is a revolution, dammit! We're going to have to offend SOME body!” -Peter Stone

~”You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be misquoted and used against you”- Unknown

~“There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with ‘or die’."- Alistair J.R. Young

~“But I guess it doesn't matter now, you being dead and all...”- God
"I'M DEAD?”- Bruce
“Na, I'm just messing with you.”- God (Bruce Almighty)

~"I'm sorry, but it wouldn't work! You're a man; I'm a woman. We're just too different!"- Leela (Futurama)

~"Bye, Vlad! And as a lonely single's man in your forties, might I suggest Internet dating? Or a cat!"- Danny
"Mark my words, Maddie! Nobody says no to Vlad Masters! You will rue the day you spurred my affections! AND I WILL. NOT. GET. A. CAT!"- Vlad (Danny Phantom)

~“I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I'm stupid enough to try anything.”- Beast boy (Teen Titans)

~"Ulrich! When did he die?"- Teacher
"Um, at the end of his life?"- Ulrich (Code: Lyoko)

~“When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, ‘No speaka English.’”- Jack Handey

~“My name is VASH THE STAMPEDE! Forgive the lack of warning, but it's time for my daily massacre! If you do not believe I am the real thing, take a good look at me and start freaking out!"- Vash (Trigun)

~“I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. Don’t hesitate to call.” – Vash (Trigun)

~"What are you ducking for? ... They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-" -last words of General John Sedgwick, 1864 ... right before he was shot in the head by an enemy sniper

~Crash “My computer! Oh, that’s Jazz’s.”- Danny (Danny Phantom)

~“They take a sharp red hot poker stick it up your nose, scramble things around a bit then rip it all out through your nostrils.”- Eevee
“That’s gotta hurt.”- Rick
“It’s called mummification. You’ll be dead when they do this.”- Eevee (The Mummy)

~“Uh oh,”- Pacha
“Don’t tell me. We’re about to go over a huge waterfall,”- Kuzco
“Yup,”- Pacha
“Sharp rocks at the bottom?”- Kuzco
“Most likely,”- Pacha
“Bring it on,”- Kuzco (The Emperor’s New Groove)

~"Well I can see why we're trying to keep them alive...Who wouldn't want pets that can burn, sting and bite all at the same time?"- Draco Malfoy (Harry Potter)

~“The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun.”- General Kimsey (Armageddon)

~“American components, Russian components, all made in Taiwan!”- Lev Andropov (Armageddon)

~"A good friend bails you out of jail, a true friend is sitting next to you saying 'we screwed up... LET’S DO IT AGAIN!'"- Unknown

~“Dad, how do people make babies?”- Calvin
“Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit and follow the assembly instructions.”- Dad
“I CAME FROM SEARS?”- Calvin
“No, you were a Blue Light Special at K Mart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.”- Dad (Calvin and Hobbes)

~“Do you have an idea for your story yet?”- Hobbes
“No, I’m waiting for inspiration. You can’t just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.”- Calvin
“What mood is that?”- Hobbes
“Last-Minute Panic.”- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

~“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”-Woody Allen

~“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”-Edgar Bergen

~“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”-Ed Furgol

~“The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.”- Albert Einstein

~“The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.”-Will Rogers

~"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."- Phyllis Diller

~"No trespassing, violators will be shot, survivors will be shot again."- Unknown

~"Smoking is the only substance in America that when you use as directed, it kills you."- Unknown

~"We're gonna die! We're gonna die! I'm gonna throw up and then we're gonna die!"- The Grinch (How the Grinch Stole Christmas)

~“Dude you are one seriously crazed up fruit-loop.”- Danny (Danny Phantom)

~ “The glowing blade is new.”- Danny
“You like it? I got an up-grade!”- Skulker (Danny Phantom)

~“I was married once.”- John
“What's her name and social security number?”- Jane
“No, you're not going to kill her."- John (Mr. and Mrs. Smith)

~“I talked to McGonagall about the Firebolt today and she got a bit cheeky. Seems she thinks that I care more about winning the game than your safety. All I said was that I didn’t care if the broom bucked you off as long as you caught the Snitch first.”- Wood (Harry Potter)

~ My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. -found it

~Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch slap that mother fucker upside the head. -found it

~"Love is a love-hate relationship." -Me

~"Give me liberty, or a bran muffin!" -Colin Mocherie

~Whoever said anything is possible obviously hasn't tried to slam a revolving door. -found it on someone's profile

~"Hey, don't look at me I ain't biting no more butts." -Mushu, Mulan

~"He wants me to focus. What am I, a telescope?!" -Naruto

~"No beer until you finish your tequila!" -Leela's Dad from Futurama

~"She kinda scares me." -Brock
"She's a 12 year old girl." -Reba
"With a 35 year old mouth." -Brock from Reba

~"Well Mr. Miller, it seems like you've got a case of LSOB." -Doctor
"What's that mean?" -Bill
"It means that you're one lucky S.O.B." -Doctor from Still Standing

~"There he is. There's the S.O.B. who's trying to take my sister to hell with him." -Buzzard
"Haha, what he means to say is...Happy Thanksgiving!" -Reba from Reba

~"Even that white haired dude?!" -my little sister
"No, he's 26." -me
"Dang, how old is he?!" -my little sister
"...26..." -me in relations to Kakashi from Naruto

~"Okay, don't make any sudden moves. Hop into my mouth if you want to live." -Nigel from Finding Nemo

~"I went to the young fountain!" -my little sister
"...the Fountain of Youth?" -me

~"I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image I must first change myself. Fish are friends. Not food." -Bruce/sharks from Finding Nemo

~"We are gonna stop drinking and give you a better example." -Judy
"That's right and we are gonna stop right now." -Bill, pouring beer into sink
"Yeah, now pour it out of the glass in the sink." -Brian
(Bill pours glass into sink)
"Now pour it out of the cereal bowl." -Lauren
(Bill pours cereal bowl into sink)
"Yeah, now unstop the sink." -Linda
(Bill and Judy groan and Bill unstops sink) from Still Standing

~"We can't, Big Daddy--that's my Daddy. He's big." -Buzzard, from Reba

~“Inu… baby?” Kagome said grinning like a madwoman.
“Yea?” Inuyasha said suspiciously.
“What’s 5 plus 7?”
“12… why?” Inuyasha asked raising a brow.
“I want 12 babies!”
THUD! Inuyasha was out cold.
Kagome stifled a horrified giggle as she saw Inuyasha’s pale face on the floor of the car…
“Uh, I was only joking…” –Kagome and Inuyasha from All It Took Was A Simple Mistake written by Wolf Blossom, check it out! It’s great!

~The cheetahs snorted as Miroku made his entrance. A blonde wig, compliments of Amarante, was pinned and all but glued into his hair. He had been stripped from his standard monk’s robe, and was put into a silken violet colored kimono (It did a lovely job bringing out the color of his eyes) again compliments of Amarante. Mascara was horribly applied to his face, along with a fine white powder, and hideous red lip color. –from the story My Pet written by PegasusRider, read it, it’s really good!

~“By all that is sweet, round and firm! In the name of Lady Sango’s rump! Why on earth would you build a room with no entrances?” Miroku fiercely cursed as he slid his hand along the wet, grimy stone rock. –Miroku from My Pet written by PegasusRider, read it, it’s really good!

~Lady Amarante, it is I! Your faithful follower, protector, and disciple,”
“Miroku the groper?” Amarante caustically interrupted his mental monolog with her out thoughts.
“Eh, that will do I guess.” Miroku bemoaned.
“What on earth are you doing?” Amarante asked, politely pricking his mind to gain a picture of him sitting in a stone room.. “Hah! You’re in the entranceless room? Did you take the stairs?”
“THERE WERE STAIRS?”
“Apprently not. Jakken give you directions?”
“THERE WERE STAIRS!”
“I’ll take that as a yes.” –Miroku and Amarante from My Pet, written by PegasusRider

~“Oh, a thousand curses on that toad! Safe in here, Hah! My donkey’s-,”
“Monk?” Haruko asked, finally pushing through the dust cloud.
Miroku, who had been in a standing position with his staff raised in front of him, relaxed. “Thank Lady Sango’s bum, it’s just you two.” He wearily said, plopping down on the floor as his legs gave out underneath him like jelly. –Miroku, Hiroshi, Haruko from My Pet, written by PegasusRider

~“So, once we reach the room with Sesshoumaru’s men, which is probably well guarded, not to mentioned locked, what are we going to do?” Miroku asked.
“Improvise.” Hiroshi said as a giant wooden door came into view.
“Oh great. I know what that means,” Miroku grouched. “Lots of crashes.” He finished as the twins simultaneously leaped into the air and kicked out, shattering the door into mere splinters which exploded into the room. –Miroku, Hiroshi, Haruko from My Pet by PegasusRider

~“Oh, by the way…” Saku offhandedly said, about to exit the room. “The monk found Jakken, Milord.”
“Where was he?” Sesshoumaru asked.
“In a pickle barrel. Although I am unsure if he was there before or after the monk found him.” Saku mused.
Kagome frowned as she laid her head on Sesshoumaru’s collarbone. “Well, I guess that makes sense.” She said.
“What do you mean?” Sesshoumaru asked, looking down at the human in his lap.
“Jakken could be mistaken for a pickle if you were blind.” Kagome said.
“And deaf.” Hiroshi chimed in.
“And if your nose was particularly dull.” Haruko muttered. –Saku, Sesshomaru, Kagome, Haruko, Hiroshi from My Pet written by PegasusRider

~"It's perfect!" the perky lady gushed while stepping back to admire Raven's new look. "You're easily able to pass off as a boy."
Raven narrowed her eyes. "Are you calling me ugly?" -The Page Turner, original story by PegasusRider

~'The main problem was that the librarian had done such a horrible job cutting her hair that it stuck up everywhere, closely resembling an electrified bush.' -The Page Turner, original story by PegasusRider

~"I look like a grey, hairy monkey wearing a back pack." -Raven from The Page Turner, original story by PegasusRider

~"Nice hair cut, Raven!" -Nate
Raven gave him a cold glare. "One more word and all the faculty of the Waterspring library will hear every embarrassing thing you've done since you were seven." -Raven, The Page Turner, original story by PegasusRider

~Frey,
You make a strange drunk. Be glad none of us had video cameras. Don’t glare at the note; it didn’t do anything to you (Mara blushed at this point, because she had been).
Drink the water and come down to the cafeteria. You should be feeling better after the water but don’t take your time.
Gareth - from the story Under Shadowed Wings written by Reyana Draconis; it's a really good story, so read it!

~"Whoa, I can only fit one of you." -EMT
"I'm the father." -Dean
"I'm the boyfriend." -Patrick
"I'm HIS boyfriend." -Dean's boyfriend
"Starting the show without me?" -Lillian from Saved

~ "I have made a new commandment: Thou Shalt Do the Dance." -God from Evan Almighty, good movie!

~ "Here's your sign." -Bill Engvall

~ “If your lover was unable to perform anymore(groan from Al), and was a shoe salesman(groan from Al), whose name was Al,” –Peg reads from a card
“Oh, come on, it doesn’t really say that—oh my god, it does!” –Al grabs the card and sees it from Married with Children

~“What are you doing here?” –Kelly
“Well, your mom called my mom and my mom called the car service!” –Amanda from Cadet Kelly

~“Please don’t stop, that’s beautiful.” –Leela
“So’s a peacock but you don’t eat it until it’s cooked!” –Fry from Futurama

~“My hands! My horrible, human hands! –gasp– And what did you do to my nails?!” –Fry
“I cleaned them.” –Robot Devil from Futurama

~“Ah! They’re so cold!” –Leela
“And yet Hell is so hot! Can I have my hands back?” –Robot Devil
“NO!” –Fry
“You’re not nice!” –Robot Devil from Futurama

~“Jeremy. This is my bodyguard, Roxy.” –Miley
“That’s right! And it’s my job to protect Hannah Montana from danger, ALL kinds of danger; you know what I’m talking about? I think you do.” –Roxy from Hannah Montana

~“It doesn’t matter Daddy! Because every time he went ‘ding’, she went ‘don’t’ and I went ‘dang’!” –Miley from Hannah Montana

~“Daddy: Keep it real, or keep it quiet.” –Sophie from Hannah Montana

~“I’m just going to say hello to one of my old bodyguards.” –Miley
“That’s a negative.” –Bodyguard
“Are you sure?” –Miley
“That’s a positive. Orders from a 7 year old.” –Bodyguard from Hannah Montana

~“Don’t worry, I’ve got him right where I want him.” –Miley
“Which is where?” –Oliver
“(about to laugh) I have no idea.” –Lilly from Hannah Montana

~“Robbie Ray, do you remember that time you asked out Miley’s mom for the first time and she turned you down flat?” –Aunt Dolly
“Yep. She said she was dating someone already.” –Robbie Ray
“And do you remember what I told you?” –Aunt Dolly
“Yep. You said, next time you’re gonna ask a girl out, don’t wash your truck, wash your hair.” –Robbie Ray from Hannah Montana

~“Okay, that’s it. The next one who says tarragon is gonna be gone!” –Robbie Ray
“Tarragone. Tarragon. Tarra-I-am-so-gone!” –Ms. Kunkle from Hannah Montana

~“Oh, I know you! You were in that commercial where you had to have that really embarrassing conversation with your mom. I hope everything worked out!” –Miley
“That wasn’t really my mom, okay?” –Holly
“Well, as long as the toe fungus is gone.” –Miley from Hannah Montana

~ "Now tangling with sweet Daisy is like trying to put socks on a rooster." -Balladeer from The Dukes of Hazzard, the series

~ "Drop the box, drop the box!" -Bill
(crash)
"Hide the box, hide the box!" -Bill from Still Standing

~ "This girl got a mani-pedi for you? Umnh!" -Judge from Hannah Montana

~ "They were playing shirts and skins. Shirts and mighty-fine-looking skins." -Megan from Megan Meade's Guide to the McGowan Boys by Kate Brian

~ "If it ain't black and white, peck, scratch, and bite." -Bender from Futurama

~ "I stutter! Even in my head!" -My little sister

~"What about my head?" -My little sister
"Well, you can leave it up or down," -Me
"But shouldn't I have my head on my head?" -My little sister (she was having a brain fart day)

~ “One brain, one vote, that’s the law.” –Reba from Reba

~ “Well I’m a teenage boy and let me tell you what I’m thinking! Nothing!” –Van from Reba

~ “Kyra threatened me!” –Jake
“That just means you’re doing your job, now get back in there.” -Brock from Reba

~ “Kyra talked to me about dating! I’m putting that in her baby book.” –Reba from Reba

~ “Well next time you surprise me, tell me, okay?” – Cheyenne from Reba

~ "Don't worry guys, you'll catch up!" -Carey
"You really think so?" -Daryl
"No." -Carey from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody

~"Well, I suppose I do have a slight tendency to overreact a bit." -Moseby
"Suppose??" -Maddie
"Slight??" -Carey
"Tendency??" -Zack
"A bit??" -London from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody

~"Well boys, I guess we have all learned something from this." -Drama teacher
"Girls stink." -Zack
"Never work with your brother" -Cody
"I should've taken oboe." -Bob
"Eh, close enough." -Drama teacher from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody

~ "Come on, man, everyone gets dumped." -Shawn
"Have you ever been dumped?" -Cory
"Me? No, I'm Shawn." -Shawn from Boys Meets World

~ "Hunter, who's your best friend?" -Mr. Turner
"Uh, you are Sir!" -Shawn
"Shut up. Matthews, who's your best friend?" -Mr. Turner
"Shawn is." -Cory
"And what do we do to people who mess with our best friends?" -Mr. Turner
"Kill 'em." -Cory
"That's right. This is Eli, he will be your new media arts teacher. He is also my best friend. Mess with him, and die." -Mr. Turner from Boy Meets World

~ "So, did you get the job?" -Mr. Turner
"Not after that interview from Hell with Mr. Mustache" -Eli
"I prefer Mr. Feeny." -Mr. Feeny
"Is he there all the time?" -Eli
"ALL the time." -Mr. Turner from Boy Meets World

~ "Come on, George, even I gotta say. Stop yankin' the guy!" -Mr. Turner
"I...yank you not." -Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World

~ “You were scarier when you had acne.” –Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World

~ "Don't be silly, I'm sure they don't want to hear about that Tippy." -Mr. Lawrence
"Tippy?" -Cory and Shawn
"growls" -Topanga, turning around to face them
"Tippy's nice!" -Cory
"It's my new favorite name!" -Shawn from Boy Meets World

~“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP!!” –Me to my friend

~“Only You!” –Inside joke between two of my friends and myself

~“Basically the world is in the hands of pretty, bitchy fifteen-year-old. Shoot us now.” –it was on Reyana Draconis’ story Under Shadowed Wings

~“Hello.” –Fitz
“Hi.” –Bill
“You wearing a skirt?” –Fitz
“Maybe. You wearing no pants?” –Bill
“Maybe.” –Fitz
“Ok then.” –Bill
“Ok.” –Fitz
“Mr. Fitzsimmons.” –Brian
(Brian and Bill walk out the door) from Still Standing

~“That’s not caring, that’s just hatred. They just sound the same.” –Reba from Reba

~“Well one night my wife asks me, “Is there anything new you want to try in bed tonight?” and I’m thinking, “What is the right answer?!” Because as soon as I come up with something I think would be fun, I know I’m gonna hear, “Where’d you learn that? From your slutty smoking girlfriend over there!?” –Bill Engvall

~“You know the rules! Stand up in the bathroom, sit down in the truck stop in the next city!” –Jeff Foxworthy

~“I like to use analogies in my show...that’s where they compare things.” –Bill Engvall/Jeff Foxworthy

~“I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.” –Bill Engvall

~“Baby, you’re not gonna believe this. We just hit a deer with our plane!” And there was a pause followed by “Oh my god, were you on the ground?” “Nope, Santa was making one last run.” –Bill Engvall and his wife

~“I’m a dork fish! He caught me on a corndog!” –Bill Engvall

~“It’s my wife’s 38th birthday and so I go out and get two cakes. One says ‘Happy’ and a 3, and the other one says ‘Birthday’ and an 8. I took them up to the counter and the little girl there at the counter says, “Aw, do you have twins?” “Yes, my wife was in labor for 5 years.” –Bill Engvall

~“And the up button was pushed when a man comes into the elevator and asks, “Are these the elevators that go up?” “No, these are the ones that go side to side. The up and down elevators are down the hall.” He walked away!” –Bill Engvall

~“My 6 year old son hurt his bottom and so my wife says, “Okay, go to your room and take off your pants and I’ll come in to rub some ointment on it. So I’m sitting on the bed, talking with him, while my wife is rubbing ointment on his bottom and he... he farts. Of course, I’m laughing and she says, “Travis!” and he looked at her with a straight face and says, “My compliments to the chef.” –Bill Engvall

~We kept passing ‘Deer X-ing’ signs and my wife looks over at me. “Now why do they put up those signs? Deer can’t read.” “No, but they can look up at the pictures of themselves.” –Bill Engvall

~“My brother’s a doctor, my sister’s an attorney, and I hate Thanksgiving!” –Ron White

~“If you come to Texas and you kill somebody, we will kill you back.” –Ron White

~“If one of these engines fails, how far will the other one take us?” “All the way to the scene of the crash.” –Ron White

~“I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And find somebody whose been given vodka and have a party.” –Ron White

~“What do you think red, white, and blue stands for? Rednecks, white trash, and blue collar.” –Jon Reep

~“Jimmy cracked corn and I don’t care.” –I don’t know

~“If Jimmy cracked corn and we don’t care, why is there a song about him?” –someone I know

~“Excuse me? Can I have a little privacy please? That’s when you say, no, because you’re in public.” –Jon Reep

~“Well, tell the warlords your mom said it’s bedtime.” –Judy from Still Standing

~“I’m gonna take your machine!” –Zack
“No, you’re not!” –Moseby
“Who’s gonna stop me?” –Zack
“That would be us!” –Arwin and Esteban from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, to the tune of na-na-na-na-na!

~“With super-power comes super-responsibility.” –Carey from The Suite Life of Zack and Cody

~“With great power comes great sacrifice.” –I don’t know, I’ve just always liked that quote

~“SYSPH: Shut Your Stinking Pie Hole.” –Doug Benson (I think that was the quote)

~“Here’s a straw, suck it up,” –Sakura from Donna Sakura by Naraku’s Phoenix

~“I’m not finished!” interjected Sasuke, and he continued, “It spun around a couple times before it stopped and it looked dead at me. It had the brightest, most hideous red eyes I’ve ever seen. On impulse I knocked it off the frame onto the ground. But then it started coming after me! I reached behind me in the shed and pulled out a shovel. I started smacking and smacking it, but it just wouldn’t die!” –Sasuke from Donna Sakura by Naraku’s Phoenix

~“You know that severed hand from the Addams family?” said Neji out of nowhere.
“Yeah?”
“I used to think he lived under my bed. It didn’t do much to help my toilet training, let me tell you.” –Neji/Sakura from Donna Sakura by Naraku’s Phoenix

~“Before I hit puberty I had an unhealthy fear of cooties,” said Gaara.
“What did you do to alleviate the problem?” asked Neji.
“What every kid did: Circle, circle, dot, dot, I just got my cootie shot…Now go away before I spit on you.” –Gaara/Neji from Donna Sakura by Naraku’s Phoenix (it’s a really good story, you should check it out! I highly recommend it!)

~“What do you think you’ll be doing in ten years?” –my mom
“Getting a new passport?” –me

~“You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter! ‘Cause they just might.” –Bill Engvall

~“If I don’t talk like a pilot this jet won’t work right. You can hear it all on the cockpit tape!” –Bill Engvall

~“Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” –I have no idea, but it’s true

~“When you’re with your friends and you’re running away from an animal that wants to eat you, remember: you don’t have to be faster than the animal, you just have to be faster than one of your friends.” –my old health teacher, he was so funny!

~“Geoffrey, get me my tools,” –Uncle Phil
“You mean your knife and fork?” –Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire

~“(weakly) Geoffrey, (strongly) break out Lucille.” –Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire

~“Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. –Chinese Proverb

~“The day your beast starts acting like your mother, you're either insane or in love. =)” –review from Kimster44 for the story Unwavering Dream by Nyevah

~"You're a woman. How is a guy supposed to advise a woman about changing the way she looks without being considered a jerk? It just isn't possible." –Shikamaru from dawning by deliria

~“The pen is mightier than the sword, but the video camera can kick the pen’s butt.” –Bill Engvall

~“If I tell you that I stink then don’t go sniffing me! That’s seven kinds of stupid, un!” –Deidara to Kisame from The Gift of Life by Infatuated-Simplicity

~“...and also with, Toronga Leela.”
“Toronga?!” –Fry
“That’s her name, Philip.” –Amy
“Philip?!” –Bender from Futurama

~“Could I take you?” –Bully (I forgot his name)
“Nah.” –Mr. Turner
“But I coulda taken the kid though.” –Bully
“Good for you!” Mr. Turner from Boy Meets World

~“I want you, I need you, oh baby, oh baby.” –Kat from 10 Things I Hate About You

~“Well? What did she say?”
“Hate’s him with the power of 1000 suns, that’s a direct quote.” -10 Things I Hate About You

~“You have a very unique fighting style. I like it. It’s like a cat.”-Kakashi Sakura blushed, flattered. “Really? You mean, like… graceful?” –Sakura
“No,” he shook his head. “I mean, batshit angry and single-minded. Like a cat whose tail has been trodden on and intends to shred your shins to hell with its claws.” –Kakashi
Sakura’s face darkened with a scowl. “And you fight like a sloth. You’re so slow I can see the algae growing over you. And your arms are too long.” –Sakura from The Window by SilverShine

~"It was beauty that slayed the beast." -It was from King Kong, but I forgot who said it...

~"Both Gaara and Sakura's eyes are green! Not blue! Why does everyone say they are blue?!" -Me

~"Fake it till you make it." -KarinUzumaki

~"Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?" -Kel from Good Burger

~"You may get older, but you'll never grow up." -I like using this quote, but I'm not sure if it actually belongs to anyone

~"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee," -me to a friend
"Or a bullet." -my friend

~"Oh, my god. Ladies and gentlemen, I have found a Hispanic man with no children, a job, and no criminal record. Ladies and gentlemen, I have just found Bigfoot!" -Lisa Lampanelli

~"Peter, the Good Lord said to honor thy father, He never said anything about liking him!" -the Pope from Family Guy

~"Beware the finger flick of DOOM!" -me

~"Well, obviously, your toothbrush is bigger." -Walter from Jeff Dunham's comedy show! The whole thing is hilarious, see it!

~"Hey, don't put that in ye- oh, you put the shelves in already?" -Dad
"Yeah." -Me
"Oh. Okay." -Dad
"I told you that already." -Me
"Oh. I didn't hear you." -Dad
"I was looking right at you." -Me
"I wasn't listening." -Dad
"You were looking at me." -Me
"I was asleep." -Dad
"You said, 'cool'!" -Me
"Oh. I don't remember! I'm sorry." -Dad
"Now I don't know if you've ever listened to me!" -Me

~"Are you gonna help me or not?" -Lassiter
"Of course! You're like our brother--" -Shawn
"Ehh..." -Gus
"Step-brother?" -Shawn
"Ehh..." -Gus
"Weird kid who lives down the street and eats nothing but mayonnaise on saltines?" -Shawn (Psych)

Epitaphs

~I told you I was sick!

~She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.

~Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with "R.E. Danforth's Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

~Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go.

~Here lies Walter Dudley. He found out too late, Dobermans aren't cuddly

~Should have j-walked a little faster

~Once I’m dead and buried
You may feel some grief
All I have to say is
Stay away from my stuff you freak!
--This belongs to me. I created this little poem, so do NOT take it without asking for my permission first!--

~“Here lies Orvin Kelligrew, a poor and lowly worm.” –The Ghost of Fossil Glen (I'm missing some words in there, but I can't find my book and when I do, I'll fix it)

Bumper Stickers

~Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body.

~Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young

~Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate

~FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLA, AND STEP ON IT!

~A nuclear war can ruin your whole day

~If you drive any closer I’m gonna spit on you!

~Keep honking. I’m reloading.

~It’s just a stupid sticker but you’re still squinting to read it.

~You’re gonna pay for the car bill once you crash into me from squinting to read this sticker. And you better have some damn good insurance.

~Graduate of Anger Management: What the hell are you looking at?

~Jesus loves you: everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

~I’m 49 percent bitch, 51 percent kitty cat. Don’t push it.

Famous Last Words

~Na, I don't think we need to go to the hospital.

~It's a dud! It's a dud! It's a du-

~Don't touch the red button!

~It's fireproof

~What does this button do?

~Pull the pin and count to what?

~Which wire was I supposed to cut?

~No these windows are ok to lean on.

~Don’t worry it has airbags.

~Don’t worry its not that deep.

~I'd like to see you try.

~You want me? Come and get me!

~Have I ever steered you wrong?

~Just watch the pro.

~What could possibly go wrong?

~Trust me.

~Things couldn't get any worse.

~Hey look a light at the end of the tunnel.

~My brakes are fine.

~I've seen this done on TV.

~These are the good kind of mushrooms.

~I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

~So, you're a cannibal.

~Are you sure the power is off?

~I wonder where the mother bear is.

~No, dude, this stuff is completely natural and safe, man. That's why it's called 'herbal’

~I dunno, press the button and find out.

~Don't worry, it's not contagious.

~There's only one way to find out...

~Let it down slowly.

~This doesn't taste right.

~I can make this light before it changes

~I can do that with my eyes closed

~look ma! no hands!

~Don't be so superstitious.

~Now watch this.

~And now that I'm running my life support equipment through Windows 95, I'll never have to worry about- beeeeeeeep...

~Took your parking space? Well at least I didn't murder my wife and an innocent waiter!

~Don't worry, I'm sure it's dead by now.

~Let's split up, we'll cover more ground.

~Hello, is anyone home?

~Oops.

~Alright, let's see, how do we work this thing?

~Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

~He can't hear us, he's miles away. I'll be right back.

~I'm sure this isn't the poisonous kind.

~Don't worry, we outnumber them.

~Hey, what's that beeping sound?

~I'm sure it's just the wind.

~Of course it's safe!

~No, this tribe is peaceful!

~No, I'm sure they cleaned out this mine field years ago.

~Safety harness?

~Hey, what's this switch?

~Don't move, you'll trip the sensors.

~So, you're sure this isn't loaded?

~Calm down, of course I disarmed it!

~What, I never signed any organ donor papers!

~Well, it can't get any worse!

~C'mon! This CAN'T be the self-destruct button. If it was, they wouldn't leave it lying around like this where anyone could push it!

~Don't worry, they'll never find us in here!

~They can't hit us at this range!

~All you have to do is connect these two wires.

~Hey, when it comes to driving on snow and ice, I'm the best there is.

~These pills are awfully small... I'll take a few more to be sure they work.

~Stupid safety labels...

~No, no, these are safe, I've seen birds eat them all the time.

~Watch, I'll prove it!

~Blast off!

~Nah, they're blanks.

~Speaking of lost, where are we?

~Wheeeeeeeeee!

~I know this great shortcut we can take.

~Is that what I think it is?

~What? Everyone knows the Titanic is unsinkable.

~No, no, no, let me fix it!

~Don't be silly, it isn't loaded.

~I CAN FLY!

~Trust me; I know what I'm doing.

~Yes, the barrel of your shotgun is very clean.

~What’s in this dark cave?

~Bet you can't do this.

~I can't believe no one has ever thought of this before.

~I swear I shut the door when I left.

~That’s funny; I remember seeing the same guy on Americas Most Wanted.

~Lightning never hits the same spot twice.

~We’re home free

~That’s odd...

~Hey ya'll, watch this!

~Watch where you point that thing!

~Wait; did that sign say electric fence?

~No, silly, that's a dolphin fin!

~Is that a real sword?

~They did it in the Matrix...

~What’s that red dot on your forehead?

~Hey! Why are you all hiding?

~Don’t worry. I’ll be fine!

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

~On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Aw, man!)

~On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(5-finger discount, anyone?)

~On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(Which is...? Some people use bodywash instead.)

~On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(Nah, I think I’ll eat it cold and frozen.)

~On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
(...too late...)

~On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
(Naw, really?)

~On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
(But that saves so much time!)

~On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts and away from those chainsaws.)

~On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(Hopefully!)

~On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

~On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space or under water.)

~On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(??)

~On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
(aw, no peas? that's false advertising!)

~On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

~On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

~On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Stuff

~If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

~If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

~The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

~A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(DAMN!)

~A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(EWWW!!)

~(I'm still not over the pig.)

~Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home... maybe at work.)

~The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Well that’s fair, the female gets pregnant, and the male gets murdered)

~The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(that’s so cool!)

~(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine?)

~The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(For what? What tastes so good on the bottom of a pond?)

~Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(Wow, don't they get tired? Eh well!)

~Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

~The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmm...Interesting)

~Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

~Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing...)

~A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

~An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

~Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

~Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

~Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig?)

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3) Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6) Were you alone or by yourself?

7) How long have you been a French Canadian?

8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9) Q: I show you exhibit and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14) So you were gone until you returned?

15) Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped and made camp in the desert for the night.
After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards the sky. What you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a moment, and then replies, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo chip! It means someone stole our tent."

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

My Oath as a friend

1. When you are sad - I will help you get DRUNK and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got some.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. (Too true, but if someone else does, I’ll kick their ass)

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
25.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
26.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27.. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

(Some of this was from VampireApple but others of it is mine!)

There you have it! Useless stuff you never asked for, some about me, other stuff just useless, random, and funny! Assuming you read it all that is. So please take a look at my stories, and read and review them! I worked hard on them and I would really like input about what you all think of them. Thanks!