Greetings!

I am the Doctor of Madness, the Founding Dame of the Noble and Most Esteemd Order of the Towel, the High Queen of Canada, the Storysmith of Insanity, the Slayer of Mary Sues, the Lordess of Lemurs, the Highjacker of Flying Motorbikes...I am DOCTOR MADWOMAN!! BWAHAHAHAHAAAA!!

If you are here, you are obviously not looking for stories that follow Canon. I specialize in crack!fic and AU tales. If you are looking for madness, you have come to the right place.

THE NOBLE AND MOST ESTEEMED ORDER OF THE TOWEL

Greetings, oh followers of Canon and good fiction!

I feel that it is time for those who respect Canon and spelling/grammar to unite under one name, one banner! And that banner, my dears, is a Towel. Yes, a Towel. A fan of Douglas Adams' work would know what I'm talking about. Anyway, the point I am attempting to make is this; those of us who detest bad Mary Sues, can spell and use proper grammar, not to mention write the characters of our chosen Fandom plausibly, should unite into one order. This order, in other words, is for those of us who know where our towels are.

If you wish to join the noble and most esteemed Order of the Towel, you must possess a deep love for your Fandom and its Canon. You must also employ good spelling and grammar in your tales. You must love to read and write, and you must harbor a deep hatred for Mary Sues and all that they stand for. You must also E-Mail me ten creative uses for a towel as a initiation rite :).

If you feel that you would like to become a Dame or Knight of the Order of the Towel, please send me a message with that list of towel uses and I will get back to you as soon as possible.

~ Founding Dame, Doctor Madwoman

June 13, 2007

NOTE: Some wiggle room will be allowed in the case of Canon. I mean, come on, it wouldn't be creativity if we all just stuck to the rules, now would it?;)

Doctor Madwoman's Advice to Better Writing

Listen and Take Heed, N00bs

1. Sketch out a PLOT. Think it over a little before you start typing. Tedious, yes, but very helpful later on.

2. Get inside of your characters' minds. Try to think how they would think, feel how they would feel in whatever situation they're in. DO NOT listen when they tell you to burn things.

3. Be sure to write and rewrite. I will sometimes delete and rewrite an entire chapter if it does not 'click'.

4. RESEARCH. If you are writing about something you have little knowledge of, RESEARCH IT.

5. Put all original characters through a Mary Sue Litmus test and edit them accordingly, or I will kill you.

6. Use proper spelling, grammar and punctuation in addition to paragraph breaks, or I will do things to you. Horrible things.

7. KNOW YOUR CHOSEN FANDOM'S CANON INSIDE AND OUT!! If you intend to bend this Canon (which is tempting, I know), make it plausable.

8. Keep Canon characters In Character or I shall destroy all you hold dear.

9. Save your work. Often. It will save you from getting stitches on your hand from putting your fist through the computer screen.

10. EDIT. EDITING IS OUR FRIEND. If you cannot find it in you to edit, get a Beta reader. BETAS ARE OUR FRIENDS

11. Accept help from outside sources. I should know. I leech ideas off of my friends all the time...

12. LEARN the difference between a FLAME and CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. A flame offers no advice on how to improve...or the advice is to burn your computer and commit suicide. There is a fine line at times, I know, but still...

FLAME: This is the worst piece of sht I have ever read. Did your mother take drugs when she was pregnant? Do us all a favor and destroy your computer. Then fling yourself into traffic.

CON CRIT: This is terrible! You have no paragraph breaks, the spelling is disgusting and you ahve no concept of grammar! Your OC is a flaming Sue, all other characters are OOC and there is no plot. Get a beta and rewrite the entire thing. Come back when you're serious about this.

13. Chat speak/l33t speak/any other kind of short hand = BAD. I will be forced to kill you if you use it.

14. Enjoy encouragement (but don't let it go to your head), consider the con crit and ignore the flames (don't reply, don't reread over and over, etc.). Life will be so much more pleasant for all of us if you do.

ANNNNND

15. Have fun. Seriously, do it! What's the point if we are all unhappy when writing?

INFORMATION

NAME: I have many names... Doc, Ms. Madwoman, Doctor, Doctor Madwoman, Arill...call me what you will.

MUSIC: Enya, 80's, movie soundtracks, Different Drums of Ireland, most Celtic music, Gaelic Storm, Simon and Grarfunkel...the list goes on, really. Listening to my iPod when set on 'Random' is an adventure, I must say.

LOOKS: Twiggy. Dark hair, blue eyes, wretched eyesight. Pale to the point of albino.

LOCATION: America. Yeah, that's right, I'm an American and I'm, DAMN PROUD OF IT! Yes, I am aware that many Americans can be greedy, selfish, puppy kicking bastards, BUT NOT ALL OF US ARE!

AGE: Seventeen...SNAP, I'm old...

RELIGION: Pagan, baby. Feel the power of the Mama Goddess.

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS: Writing, reading, improv comedy, nature stuff, the delightful art of irritation, composing embarrassing sonnets to Katherine of Aragon's memory, books, archery, Katherine of Aragon (insult my Lady Fair and you die. Slowly), Gandalf, Davy Jones, Jadis, tea, unhealthy food, things that challenge my writing skills, friends, dogs, laughter, words, trees, the surprise of human kindness. So on and so forth.

CURRENT LUST OBJECT: Queen Katherine of Aragon is now my Lady Fair, ousting the White Witch from her position of four years. I love Katherine- RL and Tudors versions- for her courage, her genuine kindess, her tender heart and her steely spirit and her stubborness. She was a Lady of the highest degree, never giving in or backing away from what she believed in. And she was gorgeous, which is always an added bonus. I could wax lovesick some more, but Jadis is giving me a filthy look...

Moving on.

And NOW for some favorite pairings!

Harry Potter:

Albus/Minerva (Best couple in the HP fandom)

Ron/Hermione (Bound to happen)

Harry/Ginny (Ditto)

Remus/Tonks (Goofy, fun Auror and serious, sweet werewolf/wizard...what coul be more perfect?!)

Lily/Snape (Let's face it...James was kind of an ass.)

Narnia:

Jadis/Aslan (So wrong, yet sooo right)

Lucy/Mr. Tumnus

Lucy/Caspian (Suck on THAT, Suspian fans!)

Digory/Polly

Jadis/Tash (My own devil-spawn...and more or less only for making Aslan jealous...)

Elf Quest:

Voll/Winnowill(Devotion at its most horrific)

Kureel/Hoykar(Slashy goodness...)

Ember/Teir (Keep her away from Mender...)

Two Edge/Aroree

SHOWTIME'S The Tudors

Katherine of Aragon/Thomas More (They are soulmates. Deny if you will, but you are lying to yourself.)

Henry/Katherine of Aragon (Bastard doesn't deserve her, but, hell, she'd be happy...)

Katherine of Aragon/ Mary Boleyn (They'd probably cuddle each other to death)

Widow!Margaret Roper/Eustace Chapuys (Dey soo KAYUUUT)

Anne Boleyn/ King Francis

Katherine of Aragon/Me (STEP OFF, SHE'S MINE!!)

A bit more managable, I give you...

QUOTES:

Aunt: What'cha doin'?

Me: Wearin' PANTS...

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Oscar Wilde is my personal Jesus.

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You are evil and must be destroyed.

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"Let A Thousand Parks Bloom."

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"I have so many Muses that I'm beginning to think that I have Multiple Personality Disorder..."

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"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Winston Churchill

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"With freedom, books, flowers and the moon, who could not be happy?" - Oscar Wilde, De Profundis

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“Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

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"I have seen war and I hate war." - FDR

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"I think the Party is sort of stupid, ya know, leaving the proles to lead their own lives. I mean, if you want to achieve total world domination, you need to enslave everyone, even the people you don't consider worthy of your attention."-Me

"That's...wow...that's really sort of evil, isn't it?"-Teacher

"Yes. Yes it is."-Me

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“I’m not a humanitarian, I’m a hellraiser.”

- Mother Jones (AKA: The Most Badass Creature to Ever Roam this Earth)

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"You mean you’ll put down your rock and I’ll put down my sword and we’ll kill each other like civilized people?"

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“All right, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when we both drink and we find out who is right…and who is dead.”

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I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

- Oscar Wilde

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HOW COULD YOU? - By Jim Willis, 2001

When I was a puppy, I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" -- but then you'd relent and roll me over for a belly rub.

My housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs" you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love. She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" -- still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy.

Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love." As they began to grow, I b ecame their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch -- because your touch was now so infrequent -- and I would've defended them with my life if need be. I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway.

There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog ," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.
Now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family, " but there was a time when I was your only family

I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too. After you left, the 2 nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago & made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads & asked "How could you?"

They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you that you had changed your mind -- that this was all a bad dream... or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me.

When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited. I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days.

As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood. She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?"

Perhaps because she understood my dog speak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself -- a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. And with my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not directed at her . It was directed at you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of you. I will think of you and wait for you forever. May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.

A Note from the Author: If "How Could You?" brought tears to your eyes as you read it, as it did to mine as I wrote it, it is because it is the composite story of the millions of formerly "owned" pets who die each year in American & Canadian animal shelters. Please use this to help educate, on your websites, in newsletters, on animal shelter and vet office bulletin boards. Tell the public that the decision to add a pet to the family is an important one for life, that animals deserve our love and sensible care, that finding another appropriate home for your animal is your responsibility and any local humane society or animal welfare league can offer you good advice, and that all life is precious. Please do your part to stop the killing, and encourage all spay & neuter camp aigns in order to prevent unwanted animals.

Please pass this on to everyone, not to hurt them or make them sad, but it could save maybe, even one, unwanted pet.

Remember...They love UNCONDITIONALLY.

NOTE FROM DOC: For the love of all that is sweet and just in this world, TRY to find your pet a good home before dumping them in a shelter! They love us, are loyal to us and are truer friends than any two legger could be! They give us so much; PLEASE TRY TO RETURN THE FAVOR!! If you want to save at least one unwanted pet, copy and paste this into your profile!!

So that's it for the profile...read my stories...reeeeeeaaad theeeeeeem...I command you...