Wow! This is my profile!
According to Josh, my name is Emma S. Bitch (I call him Joshua V. Douche).
Check out my blog if you want to.
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I hate it when people post one or two chapters of a great story, but then never finish!
Wow, I guess I hate myself then.
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Kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty! It's Oreo!
http://photos1.blogger.com/img/296/6418/640/DSC01007.jpg
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Read my stories (pretty please), and all the other ones on this fabulous site!
Reviewing is half the fun of fanfiction!
OMG! I added a new section to my profile dedicated to sappy quotes from songs! If you don't want to read these, just skip down to the funny quotes.
"Sweet honey comes from bees that sting," Candide by Leonard Bernstein
"...And rain will make the flowers grow," Les Miserables by Alain Boubil and Claude-Michel Schoenberg
"There is no future, there is no past, thank God this moment's not the last!" Rent by Jonathan Larson
"To love another person is to see the face of God," Les Miserables by Alain Boubil and Claude-Michel Schoenberg
"Generals order their soldiers to kill, and to fight for a cause they've long ago forgotten," Scarborough Fair/ Canticle by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel
"As someone told me lately, 'Everyone deserves the chance to fly!'" Wicked by Stephen Schwartz
"From dust were ye made, and dust ye shall be," Sparrow by Simon and Garfunkel
"Holy Angel in Heaven blessed... my spirit longs with thee to rest," Faust by Charles Gounod
"Won't forget, can't regret what I did for love!" Chorusline by Marvin Hamlisch
"And another hundred people just got off of the train..." Company by Stephen Sondheim
"Solo siento amor," No Siento Penas by Juanes
I love reading all the funny quotes in people's profiles. I have more than one (slightly embellished) funny quote! Yay me! Some of these might be PG-13, FYI.
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Lily: (looking at the rain) Wow, it was so sunny this morning, it's like the sky is PMS-ing.
Laura: I'm just glad it isn't dumping blood on us.
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Me: (While driving through Sonoma County) Whoa! It's a llama!
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Me: I wonder if people who can throw their voices can throw their instruments.
Audrey: Anyone can throw their instruments.
Me: You know what I mean! Like, play a note and make it sound like it's coming from that tuba over there.
Audrey: Why don't you just play the tuba instead?
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Madeleine: Butter!
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Katerina: I can't believe you can't believe that I can't believe it's I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!
Me: Well, no, it's margarine.
Katerina: Exactly.
Me: What?
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Me: Hey Ben! Ben! Ha, I just said Ben-Ben. I mean, Ben. Benjamin Coffin the Third. Ben!
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Madeleine: (While playing spoons) Look! There's a spoon missing!
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James (eyes strangly red and bloodshot): I like your breasts.
Me: What!
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Me: Tittup is such a real word. SmarterChild didn't think it was. Well, look who's smarter now!
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Me: Omigosh! The word 'Titupping' is in The Once and Future King! He spelled it with only one 'T'! Chip got the word right! This is an outrage!
Me: ...Or maybe that's just the British spelling.
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Mr. Ballou: Are you really fighting with me over a dictionary?
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Mr. Ballou: What's a fop?
Me: Look it up, Dictionary Boy.
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Audrey: Did you know that if you combine Mr. Ballou's name with Mr. Boon's name it makes Mr. Balloon?
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Me: My metronome is purple. It looks like an alien spaceship. I wish it was green.
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Me: It's not a metro gnome! It's a metronome!
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Elaine: You owe me $40 for the bra I bought you.
Marisa: I paid for your dinner and your movie ticket! I only owe you twenty!
Drew: If I pay back the extra twenty, can I say I bought you a bra?
Marisa: Sure!
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Audrey: My mom's making me move to Vallejo with her. I can't believe it. There's nothing in Vallejo! This sucks!
Anthony: Your mom's in Vallejo.
Audrey: Actually, she is.
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(In the PE equipment room)
Ben (holding up two huge plastic balls, one green and one orange): Look at my big balls!
Me: (looking away): Oh God!
Ben: My balls are discolored.
Me: They got twisted?
Ben: I have syphilis.
Me: Good to know.
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Mr. Ballou: I've never used fandango before.
Me: It's really easy.
Joyce: He's never fandangoed before?
Mr. Ballou: Yes I have! Plenty of times!
Me: Riiiiight...
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Me (trying to explain quantum physics through drawing): You see, when Raoul's looking at this piece of cheese, he can't see the Herbal Essences shampoo bottle behind him.
Christine: Will you draw Pantomime Jacques Cousteau cutting the cheese?
Me: No. Now, because Raoul can't see it, he can't pinpoint its exact location just by using his sense of smell.
Christina: Doesn't the cheese throw off his sense of smell?
Me: (obviously not having thought of that) Pretend it doesn't. So, there are a billion possibilities of where the Herbal Essences shampoo bottle is. However, once Raoul turns around, all those billion possibilities are condensed into one and Raoul sees that the Herbal Essences shampoo bottle is on the table and is actually a bottle of Thermasilk!
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Me: Did you just stab me with a plant?
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(Before a dress rehearsal for Candide)
Viri: Ben, your butt's in the way.
Ben: Sorry (moves out of the way).
Marisa: Ben's got a big butt!
Ben: Yeah, look at this (bundles all the extra fabric in the back of his pants).
Me: Wow, you could fit another person in there.
Marisa: It looks like you pooped in your pants.
Ben: These pants are crazy (pulls them all the way up). See!
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Sammy: I need a tampon!
Sueli: Sorry.
Mr. Breton: (trying not to listen)...
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Me: Your sister is in Ogygia, being held captive by Jewish monks.
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Christina: Two plus two equals four.
Me: You're going to hate reading 1984.
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Christina: Quantum physics gives me nightmares.
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Mr. Ballou: Dammit!
Me: What did you say?
Mr. Ballou: I said... laminate it! I've been wanting to laminate these papers all day.
Me: Uh-huh.
Mr. Ballou: Yeah, you know, lamination is the cool thing to do nowadays.
Me: More like lamentation.
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Mr. Ballou: Dammit!
Me: What did you say?
Mr. Ballou: I said... dam it! Dam that river!
Me: Uh-huh.
Mr. Ballou: No really, this guy came up to me and said, 'Do you want to dam the river?' and I said, 'Yeah, dam it!'
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(Talking to a member of the New West Guitar Quartet) Me: I heard you at summer camp last year.
Matt: Oh really? Cazadero, right?
Me: Yeah.
Matt: Are you going this summer? We'll be performing there again.
Me: No, I can't go this year.
Matt: Oh, I'm sorry.
Me: (trying to find something to say so I can talk to him longer) I really liked listening to you guys.
Matt: Thanks! What's your name?
Me: Emma.
Matt: It's nice to meet you.
Me: (totally the stereotype of a girl with a crush: with my clarinet case in front of me, held with both hands, shrugging my shoulders, not quite meeting his eyes) ... Well, I have to go practice... (pushed along by the flow of band and drama students walking out)
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Keleki: You got servalled!
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Me: Jenny, why is there a banana on the car?
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Jen: (looking through a book I got from the library) Wow, all these homes are in California!
Me: Yes, hence the name; California Cottage Style.
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A Random Architect: Holy Flower!
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Me: Why are you so critical, Jenny?
Jen: I'm not critical, I'm just unthankful.
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Cathy: What are you going to do about these beans?
Me: I'm going to let you take care of them.
Cathy: Let's put them in the computer- I mean compost.
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Me: (talking about a 14-measure clarinet quartet) This is probably the stupidest song I've ever written, but it's also probably the best song I've ever written, so we have to play it!
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Me: We need to have a debate about whether or not people should sacrifice their way of pronouncing words for the rhyme scheme, because I am sick and tired of people saying 'again' so that it doesn't rhyme correctly.
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Darren (acting as the Mad Hatter): Yum, Matorade!
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Mr. E: I'm not sure policemen have balls anymore, but...
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Meaghan: Little farm animals emerging from random places in the car?
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Meaghan: Jenny! Get out of my hair!
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Christina: (comtempuously) Juice break!
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Meaghan: I got your squishy!
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Tim: It's 'Drew, like apostrophe... Apostrophe Drew.
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Drew: But I want to be in chamber music and rock band! Can I be bi-bandual?
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Madeleine: It's a snuvly day!
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Me: There's a cucumber on that lamp post!
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Me: (while watching "Big Cat Magic" on Animal Planet) Pusten! You know, Life of Pi?
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Drew: Tim has a crush on my little French horn buddy! (update: They broke up! The world has been restored to its natural balance!)
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Me: I can't believe we're going to be playing Bach upside-down at the Soiree! (turns out we didn't)
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Me: Look, policemen! ... with a shopping cart...
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Dylan: I love people making laugh!
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Sueli: According to my calculations, I've gone to the bathroom 2,386 times in my life so far.
Me: I can't believe you would calculate something like that.
Sueli: Speaking of which, I have to go to the bathroom.
Me: (to Laura) I bet when she comes back, she'll yell "2,387!"
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Matt: (while listening to Gregorian chants) I swear they just said 'Gringo'.
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A Random Band Festival Judge: It's my Gypsy tea house!
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The Same Guy: You played "Hammersmith" last year, right? You guys were magnificent. Not great, only magnificent.
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Phoebe: I go to school with the guy I impersonated for over half a year!
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Me: We should have a synchronized swimming class! And dormitories over the band room!
Marisa: And sound-proof bathrooms!
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Maydha: (while listening to Christmas carols) (In a really excited voice) Little children!
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Me: A fu is a bat, a thousand blessings, a special poetic form, and a very useful acronym.
Maydha: (after a while) Oh, I get it!
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Me: Give me one example of how I've messed up making pancakes.
Theo: Well, you are a girl...
Me: You're a senior, right?
Theo: Yeah...
Me: And you're still immature like that?
Theo: (evil look)
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Jen: (looking at some bread crust) Note the wild crust animal in its native habitat: the parking lot.
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Meaghan: Oh my God, there's something in my butt!
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Jen: It's Albert the Existential Alpaca!
Me: And here's Anastacia the Attractive Alpaca, and Ariana the Fingerpuppet Alpaca!
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Me: Do you understand this chair?
Katerina: Not really.
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Mr. Ballou: New Zealand! Sheep! Baaa!!
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Mr. Ballou: The Germans used the Schlieffen Plan, not to be confused with the Schlafen Plan... (dramatic pause)
Some students: (eyebrow raising)
Mr. Ballou: ...Yeah, okay nevermind.
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Madeleine: The Fuzz! (screams) Germany!
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Madeleine: 3.
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Roy: Hasta la cha-cha!
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Me: You sound like a coconut
Christina: I sound like a Monty Python coconut
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Me: How is your cat?
Christina: He is... sufficient.
Me: Sufficient?
Christina: Sufficient.
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Tori: At this one Mexican restaruant, they serve you like a fishbowl full of tequila.
Becca: That's a lot of tequilia.
Rosa: Tequilia?
Willie: That's enough ta keel ya.
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Christina: (talking about my ransom note sending) Mr. Sinaiko told Shaylin to keep it quiet.
Me: He's keeping it quiet so as not to encourage me to keep sending ransom notes! Mr. Sinaiko hates me!
Christina: No, Em. Mr. Sinaiko doesn't hate you. I don't know why he told Shaylin that.
Me: He doesn't want me stalking him! Everyone in theatre thinks I'm weird!
Christina: No, everyone in theatre wonders why you're not in theatre.
Me: Because they all think I'm weird and hate me!
Christina: I'm not going to talk to you anymore.
Me: See! You hate me!
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Nick: Sueli, do you have a mons pubis?
Sueli: Yeah. Do you have a brain?
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Connor: You know how if I said, 'Ryder's in bad condish,' you would know what I mean? Well, do people who speak Spanish say things like, 'Vamos al bib' instead of biblioteca? Like, hey guys, meet me at the bib.
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Me: (not thinking, as usual) Mr. Sinaiko saw The Pillowman? I could seriously make out with him right now! (good thing I didn't)
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Mr. Ballou: I was doing free association psychoanalysis with my fourth period class and the word was 'sex' and I said 'money'. It stirred things up a bit.
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Me: I'm getting home at 5:30 today and have a load of homework. I don't have time to read more than a chapter!
Ms. Sommer: I don't care about you!
Me: (pitifully) I know you don't.
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Me: What does watching La Boheme have to do with English class? It's in Italian!
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Mr. Peabody (in band class): Ok everyone, get our your scale sheets!
Tim: Scales are for fish.
Mr. Peabody: Tim, you are a fish.
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Mr. Peabody (in band class): Everyone be quiet! No talking, smiling, no laughing, no asking questions!
Tim (puts his flute up to play with a huge fake frown on his face)
Me: (laughing) Look at Tim!
Mr. Peabody: Hey - no laughing!
Me (laughing even more): I'm sorry - let's just play the song!
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(Cameron was over for a guitar lesson, and then Jimmy and Roderick came over to see if Cameron could give Roderick a ride home, and Jimmy was walking back from a friend's house)
Me: I've never had this many boys in my bedroom at once before.
Cameron: Boys? I don't count as a man yet?
Me: (blushing) No.
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(After seeing Our Town by RVP)
Me: Sploo, Francis Serpa would make a great Fiyero.
Jen: What's a Fiyero?
Me: Um... a typecast?
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Me: If this chord is too difficult, we can take out a few notes.
Cameron: You've got some guts messing with Mozart.
Me: Well, Mozart was a drunk, and considering I transcribed this from a clarinet duet to a guitar solo, I think I have some artistic license.
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Me: Do my kitties scare you?
Cameron: I little bit. You must have like a thousand pictures on your wall.
Me: No, I only have like 873.
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(In the eight hour car ride to LA)
(I'm sitting in the middle between Tim and Ray)
Tim (searches for something on the floor, his arm is between my legs)
Me: Tim, this is kind of awkward...
Tim: What? Oh Emma, you said yourself our relationship is purely platonic.
Me: I doubt I said that seeing as I have no idea what that means.
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Me: I wrote a poem about Ben cutting his hair
Cameron: For Ms. Sommer's class? What kind of poem was it?
Me: The turning point poem.
Cameon: It's really that big of a deal?
Me: I had the best dream last night.
Cameron: Do tell.
Me: A bunch of us were in Hawaii, and Ben and I were hanging out and we made cupcakes together, and he hadn't cut his hair yet.
Cameron: That's how it is, huh?
Me: His hair was so amazing...
Cameron: I thought you didn't like long hair on guys.
Me: I don't like long straight hair. I can't you remembered that.
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Me: Ben, I have to talk to you.
Ben: Ok.
Me: I feel an obligation to tell people whenever I have dreams about them, so I had a dream about you.
Ben: Oh?
Me: Yeah. A bunch of us were in Hawaii and you and I made cupcakes together.
Ben: Okay...
Me: Hey, I wrote a poem about you cutting your hair.
Ben: Oh, can I read it?
Me: (blushing) No, it's a personal poem...
Ben: Que scandalo!
Me: What?
Ben: How scandalous!
Me: Oh. Yeah, kind of.
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Ben: By the end of this year, I'll have stage-kissed four girls. And two of them are 'passionate kisses'. I'm so excited!
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Me (ready to give an impromptu speech)
Becca (says something funny and sticks her tongue out)
Me (sticks my tongue out back)
Willie: I like the tongue, Em.
Me (coquettishly) You like that, Willie? (swing of the hips)
(uproar in room 7105)
Ray: Emma has a dark-side!
Maydha: What just happened? Did you really just do that, Em?
Me: Can I give my impromptu speech now?
(obviously not since no one can stop laughing)
Me: Okay. Shut up. I'm starting now. (starts talking)
Tori (has to leave the room because she can't stop laughing)
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(I'm notorious for stealing guys' sweatshirts to use them as pillows)
Me: (sleeping on Willie's sweatshirt)
Willie (takes sweatshirt away)
Me: Willie!
Willie (throws a pillow at me)
Me: Thanks. (starts napping)
Tim: My impromptu speech is about why Emma shouldn't be napping right now...
Me: (laughing) Do tell.
Tim: First of all, this is the boy's room...
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Me: Email is my preferred method of suicide.
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Christina (acting as Loby): Men, he thinks we're men!
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Mr. Sinaiko (acting as Man): Dew ya steell wanna be like Jeezusss?
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Me: I don't want to be clever...
Christina and Me at the same time in the same tone of voice: I want to be deep!... Oh my God!
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Christina: We learned about liquid 'U's in drama yesterday.
Me (draws a melting sheep): It's Liquid Ewe to the rescue!
Christina: Just shoot me now.
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Me: Mr. Sinaiko had to smoke 'herbal cigarettes' for the play he was in.
Cameron: 'Herbal cigarettes'? That doesn't sound legal.
Me: I know, but you have to trust Mr. Sinaiko.
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Ms. Cheney (explaining logarithms): Lucky...Bunnies...
Me: Reproduce Exponentially!
Ms. Cheney: No, Lucky Bunnies Read Emails.
Me: Come on, Ms. Cheney, Fibonacci's number. It works.
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(in band class)
Mr. Sinaiko: (walks in and hands me a folded scrap of paper)
Me: Thank you!
Mr. Peabody: David, are you passing notes to my students in class?
Mr. Sinaiko: (wide-eyed, runs away)
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Cameron: (ranting about how distracting his car passengers are and why they make him drive crazy)
Me: (stage whisper) It's the peas, gentlemen...
Cameron: See what I mean? WTF does that mean?
Me: (cracking up): I've been wanting to say that for a long time.
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Sam: So Emma, did you like the play? You can be honest with us, you know.
Allie: Yeah, it's okay if you didn't like it.
Sam: (brandishing a fork at me) Really, we understand if you didn't.
Charlie: (putting a spoon over my left eye) You can tell us if you didn't like it, we won't mind.
Sam: How many fingers am I holding up?
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Corey (Acting as Moonface Martin): Calling all pants! Calling all pants! Calling all pants!
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(During lunch in Peabody's office)
Mr. Sinaiko: Why don't you ever come to talk to me during lunch anymore?
Me: Do you want me to tell you the truth?
Mr. Peabody: There's another man.
Me: Yeah. Peabody lets me put my feet on his desk.
Mr. Sinaiko: I noticed.
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Me: Everyone says you've been being a bitch lately.
Mr. Sinaiko: I have, and if I weren't a teacher, I'd say the same to you.
Me: Well thank goodness you're leaving next year.
Mr. Sinaiko: I'm only a bitch to other bitches.
Me: Are you insinuating something?
Mr. Sinaiko: Who's got her feet on the vice principal's desk?
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(Printed with permission of all concerned)
Me: Jenny, you are the biggest piece of crap I know. First you use my flosser and my makeup repeatedly without asking me, then you read what everyone wrote in my yearbook, you randomly throw your bra and shit in my room, and now you just pick up anything you see in my bedroom and read it! You are the biggest piece of crap ever!
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Ben: Charlie and I were having a contest for the sexiest way to eat a cherry. Watch. (eats cherry very sexily)
Me: Ben, I can't handle your pulchritude right now. (exit)
Ben: What the hell does that mean?
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Ryan: Call me but love and henceforth, I shall be new baptized.
Darren: ...What did you say?
Ryan: Call me but love and henceforth, I shall be new baptized.
Darren: Call you Butt Love?
Ryan: (irritated) ...And henceforth, I shall be new baptized!
Darren: Okay, Butt Love!
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(A conversation using only song quotes from musicals)
Me: Come to my wedding, you might be my dad!
Christina: No! No, no no! Stick to the stuff you know!
Me: People are scared of me and no one really likes me.
Christina: Pity.
Me: Woe is me!
Christina: Life is random and unfair.
Me: The history of the world, my pet, is learn forgiveness and try to forget!
Christina: Always look on the bright side of life!
Me: I was waiting for you, dontcha know.
Christina: I'm not that smart... my siblings have been telling me that for years.
Me: Now let's stop all this foolish chatter, and just sit here, nice and quiet.
Christina: The Lady of the Lake will make him a man.
Me: That boy could use some Prozac.
Christina: Mark's in love with his work! Mark hides in his work!
Me: He gave me strength to journey on.
Christina: I'm even starting to miss Joseph's dreams.
Me: It's a very moving tale.
Christina: I can't get out on a word I spelled right!
Me: Why have you brought me here?
Christina: My pulse is rushing, my head is reeling.
Me: Pippin! Sit down immediately!
Christina: I have a dream, a song to sing.
Me: This is weird. Very weird.
Christina: Oh no, Sam, I thought you-
Me: Not to worry, Mum.
Christina: To top it all off, I'm with you!
Me: Oh! Well I never!
Christina: It's hard to believe?
Me: I may not be smart, but I ain't dumb.
Christina: I hope you're happy.
Me: I am a man of constant sorrow.
Christina: I was expecting a rather stout matron.
Me: Curse you!
Christina: You need to enunciate.
Me: A-C-O-U-C-H-I.
Christina: Does your mother know that you're out?
Me: At the end of the day, she'll be nothing but trouble.
Christina: I'm getting nauseous.
Me: It just goes to prove that everything's for the best in this best of all possible worlds.
Christina: Christine, you're talking in riddles!
Me: Are you talking to me?
Christina: We deserve each other.
Me: Let's go eat!
(We don't own "Mamma Mia," "High School Musical," "The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee," "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat," "Sweeney Todd," "Monty Pythons's Spamalot," "Rent," "Les Miserables," "Candide," "Phantom of the Opera," "Wicked," "Pippin," "Cats," or "O Brother, Where Art Thou?")
This is a reminder to remember...
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