Updated: Saturday, September 5th, 2009, 1.19PM

What was updated: My website link. I have my own website now, so if you care to, go check it out. Also, I'm going to be changing my name from HermyandRon to ImaginaryGoddess (at least, I'm debating it) because everywhere else, I'm ImaginaryGoddess (with the exception of here and my LiveJournal). Let me know what you think.

Message to my amazing readers:

I would like to thank every single one of my fucking incredible readers for supporting me through Gary's passing. You're all fucking awesome and I love you all so much. Thank you for support and well-wishes.

I am back to writing, however I am trying to keep up with life, too. I did manage to graduate, so go me, however I need to find a job and we're going to be moving again, but we'll be owning instead of renting.

LOVE YOU ALL!

Name: Kate
Age: 18 (May 3rd, baby! I can die for my country but I can't take a bloody drink! xD)
Lives in: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Loves: Writing, friends, writing, family, writing, reading, writing, singing, writing, music, writing, cats.
Lives for: Good grammar, proper spelling, her friends, her family, her mobile phone (it carries music!:D)
Is: totally what Hermione Granger would be if she relaxed a bit more.
Pet peeves: Racists; people who tyPe lIKe tHis, or l!k3 th!z; people who think they're better than everyone else; people who walk slowly who are perfectly able to walk at a normal pace, but insist on walking like they have a disability; stupid drivers who break the law when turning a corner just because they can't wait until you take a couple more steps so they can turn.
Does not know why: she is refering to herself in the third-person

So basically, I'm a weird-o. And my friends love it. And if you're already laughing, then you must love it too. If you're not laughing yet, just wait til the quotes. Boy howdy.

Story Statuses

Apologies for:

How to Get Over Ronald Bilius Weasley

So, I know I said that I'd post the final chapter when I came back from Mexico (back in February), and I never did. I apologise profusely. I got back and read it over and -- taking in some of my reviews -- realised that it was complete rubbish and deleted most of it and then went, "OK ... now what?". So I'm getting through it. I promise. Again, I apologise.

Look Out For..

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

There were so many missing moments from the seventh book that I decided to just re-write the whole bloody thing. It will be from Ron's and Hermione's points of view. I will start getting chapters up when I'm finished writing the first ten chapters. There will be more explanation on my motives when I put up the first part.

The End of the Beginning

Like a lot of other authors on here, I was attacked by ideas of what happened in the nineteen years between the last line of Deathly Hallows and the first line of the Nineteen Years Later part. Again, there will be more explanation on my motives when I get the first chapter up. It will be nineteen chapters long; one chapter for every year that passed.

Billy

He was all they needed to finally get together.

Recently Added:

Stupid Mistakes (Complete)

"Everyone makes mistakes; small ones, big ones, stupid ones. Even Hermione Granger". After years of longing for Ron, Hermione realises that she should try and get over him by severing their friendship. Will it last? Will Ron fight for her? Based on a personal experience.

Copy and Paste This into Your Profile..

92 of teens have moved on to rap. If you are part of the 8 who still listen to music, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that Ralph Fiennes makes Voldemort the sexiest thing alive, copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to the list: HermyandRon

If you hate it when the ice in the ice tray break in half so that you get the top of the cube but not the bottom, even though the tray really isn't overflowing, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you love ketchup but can't stand tomatoes (or vice versa), copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've walked into the classroom you had the year before by accident and stood there looking around, wondering why all these midgets are in it, copy this into your profile.

If you can smell trouble a mile away, and still walk straight into it, put this in your profile.

If you ever heard voices in your head, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

98 percent of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever run into a screen, copy this into your profile.

Nerds are cool. Nerds are smart. Nerds will one day rule the universe. If you are a nerd and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that those stupid kids should just give that God-forsaken Trix rabbit some Trix, copy this into your profile.

If you think those kids should finally get the Lucky Charms from that freakin' leprechaun, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile.

If you have ever forgotten your name while introducing yourself, copy this into your profile.

If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.

If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever run up a "Down" escalator, copy this into your profile.

My best friend is insane, if you agree or if you have an insane friend then copy this to your profile.

If you've ever tried to put your hair behind your ears and ended up poking yourself in the eye, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile.

HARRY IS NOT A HORCRUX! And neither is his scar! Why would Voldemort want to put his soul into something he was destined to kill? If you believe this, copy this into your profile. (And no, Voldemort didn't do it by accident!) (I shall keep this here to prove that I TOTALLY did not see that coming..)

Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list:

AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929, The Astrology Nerd, brown-eyed angelofmusic, piratesswriter/fairy to be, The Gypsy-Pirate Queen,IwuvMyKenshyPoo, Heidiplease, iNsOmNiAc BiLlIe JoE lOvEr, Black Panther Warrior, kailover 2006, Iluvbeyblade, Lamanth, shadowphoenix101, Charlotte Wilkens, Angelic Kitsune, Chantipotter, ChocoboBebop, PaintItBlackAndTakeItBack, Slythersnake2000, Clarealexandrea, griffindor_girl12, HermyandRon

92 percent of American teens would die if Abercombie and Fitch or Hollister told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this in your profile if you would be a part of the 8 percent that would be laughing your ass off.

New Quotes:

Texting:

Emma: That TV doesn't know what it's in for, man.
Me: It really doesn't. I'm thinking cursing, crashing and maybe throwing of pencils. Very sharp pencils.
Emma: Lmao. Oh man, don't hurt yourself ;-)
Me: Lol. Knowing me, it'll backfire xD. ...severely.
Emma: Lmao. CHRIST, I'm just trying to read Harry Potter (REALLY intense moment, too), but of course, my neightbours have to be having a huge ass party with ridiculously loud music and annoying screaming adults that shouldn't be listening to the music they're listening to. Seriously ... STFU.
Me: Emma, you are made of win and just completed my life xD
Emma: Aww, thank you. THAT just made my life -less than three-. But seriously, 'Drop It Like It's Hot'? No.
Me: ...OK, I lied. THAT just made my life -dies of laughter-
Emma: Thaaaank you for understanding! -less than three-They've been going at it since 4! My mom thinks I'm just being a pessimist, but I know she'll change her mind when she can't fall asleep tonight ...
Me: Awww. Ear plugs. They're amazing. I got a pair cheap at a music store once.
Emma: Hmm, my iPod IS right by my side ...
Me: I just found a bunch of video tapes with my name on them O.o
Emma: Wouldn't it be nice if your TV worked and you could watch them? Haha. What do you think they are?
Me: I have no idea O.o
The next day...
Me: TV working: check. VCR working: check. N64 working: ...no :'(
Emma: Dude! You've almost conquered your TV, though!
Me: Lol, I know!
Emma: Haha! I can totally see you standing over you TV like, "I AM THE FUCKIN' MASTERRRR!"
Me: I actually did that! How did you know?!
Emma: Lmao ... I don't really know. It just seems like something you would do ;-)
Me: Don't lie. I know you're stalking me xD
Emma: Haha, it's true. I couldn't help it.
Me: I don't mind. Really. Just look away when Ron and I need privacy, OK?
Emma: Of course ... even though it'll be hard to look away from his chisled body ...
Next day...again...
Me: Zomfg, it's FINALLY gonna rain today. ...and apparently all week with the exception of Wednesday. I am so happy.
Emma: That's good news =) and btw, I was so close to texting you at 3.30 in the morning just for the hell of it because I couldn't fall asleep for the life of me. But then I thought, 'Nahh, if it wakes her up, I'll hate myself". So I didn't =)
Me: Lol. I was already up. And my phone may vibrate like a god, but I never seem to wake up when it goes off.
Emma: Damn, girl! Really? What were you doing up at that hour?
Me: Sweating. Profusely. Oh, and cursing.
Emma: Lmao. I love you -less than threes-
Me: Lol. I love you too. But really, it was so fucking hot. I was like, 'Ron, I love you but don't fucking touch me'.
Emma: LMAO! That's GOTTA be a first for you, Kate ;-)
Me: Lmfao. It was.

Home:

Dad: What's the difference between olive oil and extra virgin olive oil?
Mum: Honestly? I don't know.
Dad: Besides the fact that the oilves didn't put out

MSN:

Best thing in the world: -emoticon of dancing stick guy flashing rainbows-
Me: Dancing Rainbow Man
Elaina: Agreed.
Elaina: -emoticon of dancing stick guy flashing rainbows-
Flo: I have no idea what you are talking about
Elaina: I steal him and make sweet love to him.
Me: That means I get Ron.
Me: ALL THE TIME!
Elaina: NO!
Elaina: I will RPS FTW!
Me: ...you'll WHAT?
Me: OH!
Elaina: Rock Paper Scissors!
Me: Role Play Sex For The Win?
Me: ... or rock paper scissors...
Elaina: Your mind's in the gutter.
Me: Um ... DUH
Elaina: I'm dying laughing.
Elaina: Hahahahahahahahaha.
Elaina: I can't breathe.
Me: BREATHE, DAMMIT! BREATHE!

Me: Will you read the next one, then? :) Before it's even up on ff.net?
Elaina: YES! Of course. You don't even need to ask.
Me: lol! -embarrassed face-
Elaina: Silly goose.
Me: -quacks-
Me: ...oh, no, wait! That's a duck!
Elaina: Geese don't quack.
Me: -geeses-
Elaina: Lmao!
Me: There
Elaina: Geeses?
Elaina: OOOH!
Elaina: They honk.
Elaina: Sort of.
Me: OH YEAH!
Me: -honks. Sort of-

Me: -to Elaina- Let me know when you're off the phone so we can gossip like the cheerleaders we never wanna be :)

Kingdom of Loathing (KoL) Newbie Chat (unless otherwise stated)(Me = ImaginaryGoddess or FishLasagna):

puCCini: Computers do not belong in the bedroom, DL.
DarkLady: I can't very well watch my porn in the livingroom puCC
puCCini : Watch it in the bathroom like all the other perverts in here, DL. ;)

helene: everyone in my family seems to be outrageously fertile. -.-
helene: i'm scared i'll spawn life if my ovaries so much as smell sperm
Nyte Walkr: Ovaries have noses?
JRice: those would be some interestingly mutated ovaries that you're starting with, helene
helene: i have stories about my ovaries that would make you wish you were dead :)

Gizmo_the_Cat reminds everyone to visit the hermit
puCCini: Message from the Hermit, "Please stop fucking bugging me."

The_SLY_Raven: Fuck, I wish this allergic reaction on my thumb would go away already :(
Man of Paper: I read it as an allergic reaction to your thumb ...
ImaginaryGoddess: lol. "AH! A thumb! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"

Yilfielle: Klimtog, go to bed.
KLImTog: Yilfielle, grow up.
Mod Warning Flinkle: Go to bed, Yilf.
Yilfielle: What the heck >:(
Yilfielle: NEVER
KLImTog: Ha!
Yilfielle: He started it. ;_;
Yilfielle: Grow up, Klimtog!
Yilfielle: GROW
Yilfielle: UP.
Yilfielle: And go to bed while you're at it. >:I

Lusus

chazz_PRINCETON: .r I put on my cloak slowly
The_SLY_Raven: O_o
chazz_PRINCETON: Shit.
GuidoTheWiiFetishist: wtf chazz
GuidoTheWiiFetishist: lol
Leeverb: Was that a misfired cyber?
GuidoTheWiiFetishist: yer supposed to take it off slowly
Garlick: You're supposed to take things off, not put them on.
GuidoTheWiiFetishist: not put it back on slowly
chazz_PRINCETON: No it was supposed to be put on.
chazz_PRINCETON: it was a harry potter quiz misfire.
GuidoTheWiiFetishist: harry potter cyber?
GuidoTheWiiFetishist: ./msg Hermione I cast junkess erectus
GuidoTheWiiFetishist: ./msg Ron train?

ImaginaryGoddess:

JayRandom: I think old people just get that way--they forget what they've told you.
Tkieron: Jay you already said that.

Home:

Me: Name the four Hogwarts houses.
Mum: Gryffindor, Slytherin ... um ...
Dad: Ravenclaw! And that other house that Potter belongs to!
Mum: Harry's in Gryffindor, what the fuck are you on? HUFFLEPUFF!
Dad: Yeah; the one that Potter's in!
Me: Harry's not in Hufflepuff. But he should be.
Dad: He's in Hufflepuff when he and Ron are in bed!
Me: Nah, that's only when they're all camping and Hermione's on watch.
Dad: No, it's when Hermione's passed out!

MSN:

Me: The equation for the Haber Process (or Haber-Bosch Process) is actually this: N2 + 3H2 2NH3 + heat
Shelly: ...double arrow. That's why I didn't take chem.
Me: means that it's an equilibrium reaction.
Shelly: Oh, OK.
Me: ...you still have no idea what I mean, do you?
Shelly: No
Me: >.>
Shelly: Sorry :P
Me: Equilibrium is like algebra in math; what you do to one side, you do to the other.
Shelly: OK. GOTCHA
Me: So, say that the nitrogen reactant in the formula were to go up. The hydrogen reactant would go down to compensate the increase in the nitrogen's concentration, meaning that the products would ajust accordingly in order to maintain the equation's equilibrium, which is refered to as Le Chatalier's Principle.
Shelly: Ooooh
Me: Get it now?
Shelly: ...no, not really.

Me: FUCK MAN
Shelly: ?
Me: I can read my work email, but I can't reply or anything
Shelly: o.O
Me: Dammit. I've never done this before: I just clicked the help button
Shelly: whooooa
Me: I know, right?
Shelly: XD
Me: I don't do that. EVER! I am a Tobin. Instructions? What instructions?
Shelly: LOL I KNOW RIGHT?
Me: I don't need no damned instructions! If at first, it falls apart, try a different fucking way!
Shelly: THANK YOU!! Kate i love you.
Me: lol. I love you too, Michelley-Belly

JD: This one time, I fucked an elephant.
SmarterChild: I think you should apologise to me!
JD: Fine; I'm sorry I fucked the elephant!

On the Phone:

JD: Hang on; Katie's being a bitch. -away from phone- What?
Katie (JD's blood sister): Where're the books?
JD: I don't know.
Katie: I know you have books.
JD: -sighs heavily- No, I don't.
Katie: Yes, you do.
JD: No, I don't.
Katie: Yes, you do!
JD: No, I don't.
Katie: Yes, you do!
JD: NO, I DON'T!
Katie: What happened to them?
JD: I ate them!
Katie: -gasps dramatically-
Me: ...-bursts out laughing-

JD: So, I got a call back.
Me: Right. You got a call back and I was dream-fucked. When it's normally you that gets the call back and dream-fucked while I sit curled up in a corner in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, muttering, 'Why does no one love me!?'.

English Class (Grade Twelve):

Chris(McMoo): I blame our existance on the alcohol.
Me and Luca: ...what?
McMoo: God got drunk one day and said, 'You know what I should do? I should create a whole bunch of people and make them worship me!'. So I blame our existance on the alcohol.
Me and Luca: -look at each other-
Me: Yeah, OK.
Luca: That works.

Kingdom of Loathing (KoL) Newbie Chat (unless otherwise stated)Me = ImaginaryGoddess or FishLasagna:

Mod Announcement: Remember, my pretties--if you get harrassing pm's or kmails out of the blue, please let Flinkle know. ;)
ImaginaryGoddess: What if they're FROM Flinkle?
Flinkle (private) HARASS HARASS
ImaginaryGoddess: Flinkle!! I'm being harassed! -hic-
Flinkle: >.>

Piter: Sometimes I wish I were Batman
ImaginaryGoddess: Piter - Sometimes I pretend I'm Spider-Man and jump from couch to couch
Piter: So IG, do I have to be freaked out at Halloween?
ImaginaryGoddess: Halloween is the best; I move my ub3r sk177z to the rooftops ;)

ImaginaryGoddess is confused.
wrldwzrd89 gives ImaginaryGoddess a custom-engraved baconstone, the epitome of Mysticality, with Jarlsberg himself engraved in it, in miniature.
JayRandom: I think wrld just asked you to marry him.

sk8brdr5567 (private): wuz up
private to sk8brdr5567: Sorry, I don't speak "leet-speak". If you would like to have a conversation with me, then use actual English. Otherwise, it would wise on your part to just move on
sk8brdr5567 (private): i'm sorry. are you a girl or a boy
private to sk8brdr5567: I am female. Hence 'Goddess' and not 'God' :)
sk8brdr5567 (private): oh haha. how old are you im nine. im a boy
private to sk8brdr5567: You're nine years old?
sk8brdr5567 (private): yeah. so?
private to sk8brdr5567: I'm literally twice your age
sk8brdr5567 (private): you're 18. oh
private to sk8brdr5567: Yeah, my profile doesn't lie
sk8brdr5567 (private): ok well by hugs

SmeHRT ninjas DBB
DiscoBlahBlah: I will cut you, SmeHRT. I will cut you and you will beg for mercy.
ImaginaryGoddess: LMFAO! Zomfg, DBB, I fucking love you
Adamantois: smehrt and dbb fight like a married couple :)
SmeHRT: DBB is secretly in wuv with me
DiscoBlahBlah: I love you, too, IGoddess. Hold on, now. Mommy has to get the meat cleaver and beat up Daddy.
Adamantois: DBB has to kill Daddy because he was giving a mouse a cookie
DiscoBlahBlah: Hold still so I can make you bleed, dammit!
SmeHRT: /panic
DiscoBlahBlah: You better panic. I am gonna make Lorena Bobbit look like Donna Effin' Reed! My stab skills are second to NONE! Basically, I'll make you BLEED. Bleed your own blood. (Dodgeball Reference)
SmeHRT uses Power of -less than 3-
DiscoBlahBlah: Oh God. Not the -less than 3-. Must stab...must not give in ...
SmeHRT: -less than 3s-
DiscoBlahBlah petpets SmeHRT. He may have won this battle ... but she will win the war.
SmeHRT: +1 xp. My powers of heart are too powerful ;)

KeltiThePastaQueen: My butt is shapely and attracts many car honks.
BillDaKat: -sings- I like square buns and i can not lie
Turbulent Squirrel honks at Kelti.

JLE: it was by no means the first and will by no means be the last. however, your increased femininity must have logically coincided with loss of sense of humour :-)
KeltiThePastaQueen: Mama Flinkle makes it all better.
KeltiThePastaQueen blinks
KeltiThePastaQueen: So you're saying that you don't find me funny?
KeltiThePastaQueen: ... because you think I'm FAT?
Flinkle: lolol ur fat lol
JLE: Don't ask ME if your bum looks big in those travoltans, Kelti
Flinkle: Ha! Well, I am too. :P

Flinkle: God, I know, Arb. They're so busy with the new baby, though.
Flinkle: Who is so damned cute I could dip her head in gravy and eat her, might I mention.
FishLasagna: ...O.o, Teh Flink, you're scary sometimes
Flinkle: Scary? Because I'm threatening to eat adorable babies? That's not scary. >.>
ImaginaryGoddess: Yes, Flink. That's why you' -rimshot-
DiscoBlahBlah: Flink does rimshots? Eww. >.>
ImaginaryGoddess: Woot! My rimshot worked! I didn't finish my sentence, but it worked!
Flinkle: Disco, you're thinking of rimjobs. I don't do those.
ImaginaryGoddess: ...and it was an epic fail on my part XD
DiscoBlahBlah: Ohhh. Yeah, sorry. Well, I am glad you don't do them!
Flinkle: Me and you both, sister!
ImaginaryGoddess phails.

Futher1: man theres no hitler fans on facebook
Sakura Kiyori: Probably because Hitler was a mass-murdering fuckhead
ImaginaryGoddess: Hitler was a dick. An amazing leader, but a dick
ImaginaryGoddess: ...actually, I like Sakura's wording better than mine
JayRandom: Well, yes. The whole genocide thing tends to make you unpopular with the other regimes.

While discussing the ways of the Amish:

(clan) Omegabob: i was an Amish once
(clan) ImaginaryGoddess: What happened?
(clan) Omegabob: i got kicked off the farm. i chased my father around with a flashlight yelling "BEHOLD THE LIGHT, JEBEDIAH! THE LIGHT OF SCIENCE!"

Religion (Grade Eleven):

Michelle Cee: Let's arm-wrestle! If I win, I get perfect. If you win, I don't.
Castillo: I'll do you with one finger.
Me, Chris (Mr McMoo), and Julius: -snigger-
Castillo: And my pinky! -turns and walks away-
Me, Chris and Julius: -burst out laughing-
Michelle Cee: What?
Me: -wheezing- He'll do you with his finger and his pinky!
Michelle Cee: ... o.O

Text Messages:

Walk-A-Thon(May 16th, 2008, 8.10 am):
JD: I have an insane amount of energy today.
Me: ME TOO!
JD: Zomg, I think that's the first time you've answered me before eleven!
Me: I KNOW! And I have a walk-a-thon today, so I'll be able to answer you ALL DAY!
JD: Yay! I had a dream last night. It was so good. You and (someone) double-dated with me and (someone else).
Me: Oh yeah? COOL!
JD: Your capitals make me sit back in my chair.
Me: Good :D
JD: You and (someone) aren't very good at double-dating, though. You kept disappearing to the bathroom.
Me: ;)
-Hour later (9.10am)-
JD: Where are you?
Me: Auditorium.
JD: Bored.
Me: Same. I have to listen to Orsini blab about the walk before we leave -eyeroll-
JD: Isn't the whole point of a walk-a-thon that you don't have to listen to a teacher all morning?
Me: Lmfao. I know, right?

Me: Why do we have to listen to this?
Michelle Cee: To remind us why half the school isn't here.

Walk-A-Thon (10.04 am)
Me: We still haven't started. How retarded is that? We're stuck in the bloody auditorium listening to why we're walking.
Mum: They have to justify it ... and try to modivate you all .. at least you're out of class! :) You could be here helping me tidy up ...
Me: Lol! You're funny, Muma :)
-Half hour later (10.34 am)-
Me: Finally! We're FREE!
Mum: LOL! I take it this means you aren't coming to tidy instead ...
Me: Lol. No. Tempting, but I want my day off :P Love you!
Mum: Lol. You shouldn't lie to your mother :) Have a good day

Me: O_O I think Jaclyn is on my bus ...
JD: Check for the smell of dried semen and lube.
Me: LMFAO! It's there. It her? Maybe she's Dykas in disg - ZOMG! IT REALLY IS THERE! IT'S STINKING UP THE BUS!
JD: If you're joking then I'm laughing. Otherwise, ew ...
Me: I was at first. The caps are when I stopped.
JD: Oh baby. Just run.
Me: I can't. It's too late. I've used my ticket and don't have the money for another one.
JD: Then pinch your nose. And as soon as you can, get the douche.
Me: I'm so sure it's her. Has she changed at all in the past three years?
JD: No.
Me: Then it's her.
JD: He hair is like, wavy and moussy (the hair product, not the critter).
Me: Straight hair here. Otherwise, it's her. Why would penisbreath be in T.O? She's too boring for T.O.
JD: Standing on a corner downtown?
Me: Lmfao. Good point.

JD: Morning, hoe!
Me: Morning, slut!
JD: Insults aren't as funny when they're true ...

Me: By the way, Nana found it really cute that you told me that I should lock the door last night when you left and she then proceeded to ask if we were dating.
JD: O.o
Me: I think my response was, ‘Well, in most places it would be called INCEST if we were.’

Me: ZOMFG! I was flipping through my French/English dictionary and saw ‘ankyloser’. Curious (how could I not be?), I read the English translation. S’ankyloser means ‘to get stiff’.
JD: LMFAO! ZOMFG that’s beautiful!

Me: -in a grade ten French class- Grade tens are so mature –end sarcasm-
JD: Ladies and gentlemen, the musical stylings of DUH! What did they do?
Me: Let’s just say that we’re doing a review of grade nine French and one of the verbs we had to translate turned out to be ‘to touch oneself’.
JD: Hahahaha! Shut up, Kate! Inside, it was killing you!

Me: -to JD- Michel was trying to get his locker open and forgot his combination and people were yelling at him to hurry up and I was like, ‘Well, he never was able to work under pressure’.

Mum: ET phone Rome ... Catholics get the OK from Vatican to believe in aliens.

On the Phone:

Me: My parents trust me enough to not worry or care what I do.
JD: What, like, if you fuck your boyfriend?
Me: Yeah, pretty much.
JD: Well, yeah! They’d be complete hypocrites. It’s like, ‘Kate, you are never allowed to have sex!’ and you’d be like, ‘OK, fine. Can you stop doing it so loud? I’m trying to get some sleep.’

JD: Are you clapping because I’m doing math?
Me: …I’m slapping the air out of my pants.
-slight silence-
JD: …I don’t want to know.
Me: -at the same time- I’m folding my laundry.
JD: I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!
Me: I did laundry today! I’m folding my laundry!
JD: OK; if that’s what you kids are calling it these days …

Me: I’m thinking that if the Edinburgh thing doesn’t work out, I’ll become a stewardess. I’d be able to fly wherever I wanted for free. See the world and be able to write.
JD: And you could join the Mile-High Club.
Me: That too.
JD: Would you take me with you? To the ones where you don’t join the Mile-High Club, please and thank you. ‘Cause I can just see it now; I’ll be sitting beside this person on the plane and he’ll be like, ‘Where’s our stewardess?’ and I’ll be like, ‘Oh, she’s just getting shagged in the bathroom. She’ll be back in sixteen and a half minutes.’ ‘How do you know that?’ ‘We’ve been friends more or less our entire lives’. And then, precisely sixteen and a half minutes later, the plane will start shaking and everyone will be like, ‘ZOMG! We’ve hit turbulence!’ and I’ll be sitting there all calm and just be like, ‘No; he’s just hit her G-spot.’

French Class (Me: Grade Twelve. Class: Grade Ten):

Serban: ZOMG! Our agendas have the Periodic Table of the Elements! I’m going to memorise them ALL! –looks away from page- Hydrogen, Helium, Lithium … -looks at the page again- Buryem…
Me: Dude, it’s Beryllium
Serban: … I don’t care …
Mme De Almedia: Oh, are you taking Chemistry this year, Katie?
Me: Yeah; next semester. Took it last year, too.
Mme: Last year? What grade are you in?
Me: …twelve…
Mme: Oh! I thought you were in grade eleven!
Me: …OK? –confused ‘cause not two days ago was Mme informed that I have a spare before French class…-
Sheilla: I have to learn the Periodic Table; I want to be a doctor.
Mme: Oh yeah? What kind?
Sheilla: -proudly- A paediatrician!
Mme: Oh yeah? Why?
Sheilla: I love touching kids!
The Class: -bursts out laughing-
Me: …oh, the jokes! OH THE JOKES I COULD MAKE!
Sheilla: What? I like touching kids. Oh, and hitting them on the knee with that hammer and watching their leg just –kicks leg into the air-
Me: Or, you know, reflexes!
Sheilla: -laughing- Yeah! That! But mainly I just like touching kids.
Serban: -laughing- DO YOU NOT REALISE WHAT YOU’RE SAYING!?
The Class: -is now silent to hear how Sheilla will talk herself out of this mess-
Sheilla: -blushing- No, I just mean that I love touching kids and helping kids!
Me: -unable to take it anymore- I am NEVER sending my kids to you!

Marianne: -stroking index finger-
Sara: …are you still doing that?!
Marianne: Yes.
Me: -utterly confused- What are you doing?
Marianne: -laughing- It means ‘shame’!
Sara: It looks like you’re trying to exercise your index finger.
Me: …you do know that there are more enjoyable ways to do that, right?

Me: -whining- Sara!
Sara: -not turning around- If you ask me to get you a dictionary, I will rip your head off.
Me: -grinning at Andres- Sara, could you get me a dictionary?
Andres: You’re fucked, you know that right?
Sara: -whips her head around, looks at me and then sighs- You’re lucky I like you.
Me: -gasping- You like me?
Sara: -laughing- Yes
Me: -turns to Marianne- Why?
Marianne: -laughing- I dunno, but I like you too.
Me: -gasping again- I’m overwhelmed! Sara, my love! Is it because I’m funny?
Sara: -laughing- YES!
Me: -gasping again- Andres, do you hear that? They like me!
Sheilla: -yelling- I LIKE YOU TOO, KATE!
Me: :O Really?! YAY! I feel so LOVED!

Me: I’m thinking of running for President.
Serban: :O AWESOME! Vote for me; I’m running for secretary.
Sheilla: Vote for me, too! I’m going for Vice-President!
Me: Dudes, that’s awesome! We three will get in and you two will be my bitches!
Mme: -about to talk to me but instead lets her mouth and eyes close as she rubs at the bridge of her nose-
Me: …I didn’t say that. –calling to Mme as she walks away- Madame, I didn’t say that!
Sheilla, Serban, Ashor, Kaydee, Marianne and Sara: -burst out laughing-

Mme: So this guy yesterday was talking to us about sex and stuff.
Me: I’m sorry; he was talking to you about sex?
Mme: -nodding- Yeah!
Me: Was he like … giving you tips or something?
Class: -bursts out laughing-
Sara: Zomg that was a good one!
Me: -laughing- Um, thanks! I didn’t even plan that one!
Mme: -laughing- No, no, no! He was just … he was talking about how Thomas Merton was like, this guy who would get a lot of action and then he wanted to become a monk, right? But I just … I kept hearing him talk about how Thomas Merton would always have sex!
Andres: -turns around and looks at me- You always hear things that you’re thinking about.
Me: -laughs-
Sheilla: -looks over at me and whispers- What do you think happened?
Me: -chuckling- Deprived.
Sheilla: -bursts out laughing-

Serban: -turns on the fan-
Sara: -moaning- Oh, Serban, that feels so good!
Me and Kaydee: ...O.o Whoa.
Sara: Oh, yes!
Serban: -sits down-
Me: -looks at Serban- Can you make it go faster?
Serban: -grins- It's at maximum speed.
Kaydee: -laughing- What about rotate? Can you put it on rotate?
Serban: ...but it's so far away...
Me, Kaydee, Anthony, Marianne and Andres: -cry with laughter-

Home:

Mum: -playing Elven Blood on FaceBook- Excellent! Now I have to write to Doro and say ‘thank you’.
Me: …-eyebrow raise- Who’s Doro?
Mum: -still playing- Some chicky in Ireland I assassinated. We send each other messages with hugs and kisses. We’re very civil :)
Me: …you assassinated her!
Mum: Hey! She was a difficult win that gave me 10 experience and 390 gold!
Me: …are you hearing yourself?!
Mum: And she joined my party.
Me: Did she now?
Mum: Well, she must have figured that if I beat her, my party must be awesomeness. –muttering to self- Now, where would I find a dwarf corpse…?

Me: ZOMG! Ron and Hermione had kids, which means that they stayed together and had sex!
Mum: ...-looks over at Dad-
Dad: Maybe not.
Mum: Maybe they adopted red-haired kids.
Me: NO! -covers ears- LA, LA, LA, LA, LALA! I CAN'T HEAR THIS!
Dad: It's completely possible that they've never had sex!
Me: -drops hands from ears- STOP DESTROYING MY DREAM!

Mum: So do you ever wear the kilt for your uniform?
Me: -snorts- No.
Mum: You know we paid sixty bucks for that? -turns to Dad- You realise that we bought her sex clothes, right?

Regarding Cool Whip:

Me: If you put it in the freezer, you can eat it like ice cream!
Mum: I KNOW! ... I mean ... um ... what?

Playing Harry Potter Clue:

Me: I think it was ... Ronald Bilius Weasley and Hermione Jean Granger with the Contraceptive Charm in the library.

Out:

Shelly's House, watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:

The Scene: -is Lockhart on the broom in a picture-
Shelly: ZOMG! I would love to just sit there and ... ooooh.
Me: ...try to keep your pants dry.
Shelly: ... I promise nothing.

Driving around with JD:
Discussing "Stupid Mistakes"

Me: So the author's note has you mentioned
JD: YAY! What's it say?
Me: Something to the effect of "thank you to JD for being the Ginny to my Hermione".
JD: ZOMFG! -does a Star Wars like announcer voice- First! There was "Jenny From the Block" and now it's ... "Ginny with a cock"!

History to the 16th Century (Grade Eleven):

Mr Fox: It’s better to have loved and have lost than to never have loved at all.
Mark: It all depends on how much your love costs.
Mr Fox: …O_O WHAT?!
Mark: It all depends on how much your love costs.
Mr Fox: …It all depends on how much you love … c-o-c-k?!
Class: LMFAO!
Mark: NO! COSTS, NOT COCK! C-O-S-T-S!
Mr Fox: Oh, thank God!
Mark: Geez, I know I’m gay, but come on!
Class: -is crying from the laughter-
Me: Zomg, that’s almost as good as “He fucked his dad?! WHAT?!”
Manolita: ZOMGIREMEMBERTHAT!!

Text Message Quotes Cont’d:

JD: If you were me, it would be worse. I would have had us so drunk we’d be watching Trevor Borris riding a rainbow on an unplugged TV.

Me: I sound like I’m breathing air in through a tube. I can only use one nostril at a time, my hearing SUCKS, and my throat feels like I just deep throated a dull knife.

Me: I’m off to Nana’s!
JD: Off how?
Me: Off like Hermione’s knickers!
JD: ZOMG! Off like Stephanie Dykas’ dress at grade eight grad!
Me: And only ten minutes in! Has she no pride?
JD: LOL!
Me: OR! Off like Malfoy when he hears Hermione and Ron drilling each other!
JD: …ew.
Me: …oh yeah. We’re finding how I’m off to Nana’s. NEVER MIND!

Me: I gave (someone) some money for lunch and he was all, ‘Love you!’ and so I seized my chance and was all, ‘I love you too’. And Germain was there and he knows how I feel about (someone) and so he gave me a huge hug when (someone) walked away.
JD: Omg, you gave him money for love. Do you realise that this makes him your emotional ho?!

Me: ZOMG! THE ART ATTACK GUY IS DEAD! :O
JD: HA! No, he’s not. It’s just a rumour.
Me: …
JD: …What? It is! Some person just … made a group on FaceBook.
Me: Ah, shite. I joined that group.
JD: They’ve taken Mr Rogers and they’ve taken our Mr Dress-Up, but they can’t have our Neil, goddammit!

JD: I hate my religion teacher. If I had a “get out of bad karma free” card, I’d SO light her on fire.
Me: Creative.
JD: How about you? Who would you light on fire if you had a card?
Me: Oh, shite. I dunno. Erm … Rozbicki, I suppose. Then he would stop bugging me.
JD: …bugging you?
Me: Yeah. I stopped taking his class and so now every time he sees me in the hallway, he’s all, ‘NEXT YEAR!’ and so I’m all, ‘NOT REALLY!’ and then people stare.
JD: I think it’s because of your boobs.
Me: No, it’s because I’m the best flute player he had last year.
JD: …does it make flute playing easier? ‘Cause you can just rest your arms on your boobs.
Me: … I’m concerned about your sudden fixation with my breasts …
JD: They just happened to be the answer to two texts in a row.
Me: … are you sure you aren’t just having a gay day?
JD: Very sure.

Michelle Cee: So how was religion?
Me: Meh.
Michelle: …movie?
Me: … :DDD We saw Ralph Fiennes without a shirt. I drooled. Nothing else interesting happened otherwise.
Michelle: Lmfaoo!
Me: What? He’s one HAWT piece of … well, man … English ass … whichever.

JD: I have Olyviaitis.
Me: YOU HAVE OLYVIA’S TITS!?
JD: NO! I have Olyvia – itis! Like a disease!
Me: OH!!

Me: -On 4/20 as a joke- Hey there big boy ;)
The Next Morning…
Germain: Who is this?
Me: Lmao! Ah, Germs. I’m comfy!
Germs: ? I’m comfy too, but who is this? Mexican confused!
Me: Lol. It’s Kate, love.
Germs: Oh! I knew that.
Me: Lol. How was 4/20?
Germs: AWESOME! You?
Me: It would have been more fun if you had answered my text messages (all of which were jokes, btw)
Germs: L I left my phone at home.
Me: L Damn.
Forty Minutes Later:
Germs: SEX!
Me: Muffins!
Germs: SEX!
Me: SEX IS THE BEST EXERCISE!
Germs: I need some of that exercise…
Me: Me too.
Germs: Let’s go exercise!
Me: I’m in class, big boy L
Germs: L

JD: So what did YOU dream about last night? Or would you rather I just tell you what I saw?
Me: I don’t remember what I dreamt. Tell me.
JD: You made out with (someone) at school and then, all of a sudden, you were between red silk sheets. And it was all sweet and romantic! …until he pulled out the handcuffs. Then I was just disturbed. Multiple orgasms, cum everywhere, JD being violently ill in the corner.
Me: YAY! DREAM SCORE!
JD: Omg, I was trapped in my sister’s porno fantasy … AGAIN! NOT YAY!! (BTW, JD is the Harry to my Hermione, hence the ‘my sister’ comment. We are not blood related, which is how it makes sense that he’s in one city and I’m in another)
Me: … yay on my part. I’m sorry for yours.
JD: He sure has a cute butt, though :P

Me: (Someone)’s ignoring me :(
JD: Aww. Maybe he’s jerking off to his secret cache of naked pictures of you :P
Me: , I mean in person. Not text-wise
JD: Oh! … damn.
Me: Yeah.
JD: ,have you tried dancing naked in front of him wearing a tea cosy?
Me: Didn’t work.
JD: HAHA! Omg.
Me: :)
JD: Did you try singing the ‘I’m too sexy for my cat’ song?
Me: We sing it all the time.
JD: … for real?
Me: Yeah, once or twice.
JD: … you guys are freaks.

Me: Dinner. Will text when finished.
Ellie: OK
Eighteen Minutes Later…
Me: Yum :)
Ellie: Was I that tasty?
Me: Like always.
Ellie: Sweet! I knew spraying raspberry salad dressing on my vag would work!
Me: Oh yeah!
Ellie: And now there’s chocolate syrup on my tits for dessert! ;D
Me: YAY! Zomg, so much fun!!
Ellie: Hellsyeah biatch!
Me: -licks lips-
Ellie: -licks tits-
Me: … yours or mine?
Ellie: Both!
Me: At the same time? :P
Ellie: I have a long tongue!
Me: :O Gene Simmons!!
Ellie: I got the Family Jewels!
Me: LMAO! I fkn love you!
Ellie: I fkn glove you too!
Me: You glove me? :P
Ellie: Yes. I put the condom on; let’s fuck already!
Me: -huffs- You’re so needy. And what about Victor? He watching again or joining in this time?
Ellie: Well, duh! Of course I’m needy; I married a porn writer! Now get to making those stories happen in my bed! Victor … right … hmm. He’ll … go with the flow?
Me: My flow or yours?
Ellie: Both.
Me: Wow. OK then. Keep poppin’ those blue pills that Ron likes so much; I have to do dishes.
Ellie: OH! Like in your story where your mom’s in the room. I’m Ron! I wanna use Viagra! Lol that was a good story … oh … Victor doesn’t need blue pills …
Me: Lucky you. And I am oddly proud of that porn …
Ellie: Hahaha! Lawl! Lawl! I like, ‘Look Mum I’m floating!’
Me: Mum or Mom?
Ellie: Mum! In ‘It’s Been Awhile’!
Me: OH! Wow. How I can write them and forget them, I’ll never know.

On the Way to the Opera:

Me: I am in heels. And a dress. With a shawl and a purse.
JD: Omg! You? In a dress, shawl, PURSE?
Me: Yes. And it hurts, but I look hot, so it’s worth it XD

At the Opera with School (Approx. 70 minutes in):

Me: Oh. My. GOD. I am SO bored.
JD: But is it OK? ‘Cause if it isn’t, you could just stare at someone in the audience, lol.
Me: It’s tolerable, I suppose.
JD: How does (someone) look?
Me: Fucking amazing. But he’s three rows behind and four seats over from me.
JD: …damn.

JD: …if your feet hurt, I’m sorry, but I just took off my skates and I put them on at quarter after three.
Me: That and I am in HEELS.
JD: …Do you even OWN heels?
Me: …Mum does.
JD: Well, duh! Do you know how dumb she would look on a broom wearing flats?

JD: … you know, the opera balcony is a GREAT place for a snog …
Me: :( I know but I’m not in the balcony and (someone) isn’t exactly beside me …
JD: ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT!
Me: …when did you change your name to Ronald Weasley?!

Vanessa: Ehh. Timmies after. I am SO bored. All I like are the pictures. And the pretty colours.
Me: Same here. Bored out of my mind. And you know that intermission is only fifteen minutes, right?
Vanessa: Yeah, I know.
After Intermission…
Vanessa: Ehhh. Where the hell are you? You didn’t ditch me, did you?
Me: No, I’m suffering too.
Vanessa: Ha-ha! OK, good.
Me: Lol. I wouldn’t abandon you without at least TRYING to get you out too.
Vanessa: HA-HA! Sounds good. Thanks Kate. Love you! Muahhhh!
Ten Minutes Later:
Me: ... Arby’s? How’d THAT get in there? I thought Mozart wrote this!
Vanessa: Lmao. Only you. You know how they keep repeating ‘sufrer’ or something which is to suffer in French? I was like, ‘Oh God. The only ones suffering here are us. Just shut the fuck up. And if I came all this way, I expect someone to die’ he-he!

Day After:

Me: Zomg, do you wanna hear an idea for a new porn?
JD: That is the dumbest effing question ever … YES!
Me: Lmao! OK. Opera balcony, but the usher catches them. Obviously Ron and Hermione. Or maybe Draco and Hermione. Draco would actually be able to afford it …
JD: Dude, you so owe me for that idea.
Me: I do not! Dude, re-read my answer to your little ‘You know the balcony is a great place for a snog’ text last night. I was TOTALLY thinking about it before you mentioned it.
JD: … shush.

Math Class Notes:

Michelle: I LOVE how he busts me for my leggings but doesn’t bust Stephanie for her jeans. He’s such an assfuck.
Me: Maybe he’s hot for her…
Michelle: HAIRY OLD MAN-SLUT WITH AUTHORITY! And he’s retarded. He thinks he’s cool, trying to match his sweater under his t-shirt with his pants. He looks like a baby dressed by his mom!

World Religions:

Tim: Give me the fucking thing!
Castillo: OI!
Tim: Froggin’! I said froggin’!
Noe: It’s a game! Frogger!
Castillo: Yeah, yeah; I’ll frogger you!

Home:

Me: …When you start working, you have to do taxes, right?
Mum: Yeah.
Me: OK.
–long silence-
Me: …How do you do taxes?
Mum: -laughs- Send them to Owen! I can’t do fucking taxes. The best thing about being an adult is figuring out what you’re good at and what you’re bad at. I’m good at judging people, but bad at math. So I found someone, judged them to be good at math, and handed my taxes over!

Elaina: In such an unstable economy, porn is the only stable investment.

Me: GUESS WHAT!
Elaina: WHAT?!
Me: I'm writing the final missing moment!
Elaina: :O WITH THE SEXY TIME!?
Me: Correction: Romantic, passionate...Yeah, the sexy time.
Elaina: Wow. You've called it, hun. I'm a porn hound and it's all your fault. You've corrupted me.
Me: I dunno if I should be proud or disgusted with myself.

Michelle Cee: Melanie, are you done your quiz?
Melanie: Yeah
Michelle: How’d you do?
Melanie: Half and half …
Michelle: It’s ‘cause you don’t know negatives
Melanie: No, it’s not that …
Michelle: Well, practise, OK? Or I’ll tell your boyfriend that you’re failing math
Me: And then he’ll spank you for being bad
Melanie: -grins and sits up straight- OK =)

JD: You’re trying to get over someone here, not find the love of your life. We need someone willing to put their penis in your vagina, no strings attached. That’s it.
Me: DUDE THAT IS NOT WHAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR!
JD: Then what? A really hot guy with feelings and his heart on his sleeve? ‘Cause I’m sorry but there’s a waiting list and no butting allowed.
Me: Someone who feels the same for me that I do for them. Someone who can make me feel like I’m floating whenever I see them.
JD: I completely understand. But you can’t get over (someone) by going out with (someone).
Me: Maybe not, but I’d have a chance at getting under him.

Ellie:

"Nawt even; bitch with a wand. Doode, run and fucking hide!" (I don't remember what this was in response to, but I still laugh when reading it. Dunno why XD)

"Like in the porn you wrote! Your mom's there! And so's Ron! I'm right, I'm right! You dirty, dirty girl!"

"So Luca's a puppy named Scruffy. He likes to eat cats."

"How do you do a name? Write it on a dildo? And cut out the shape? Or ... cut it out of cardboard ..."

"ZOMG! DO YOU WANT TO WRITE A LESBIAN PORNO FOR ME!? PLEEEEEEEEASE?!"

JD:

"I was like, 'Fuck you! You have Robert Chase!' and you were like, 'Oh yeah. Here, use him while I fuck Mr. Hot Eyes!'"

"If that was how Robert Chase fucked Kathy, she waited fifteen too many months."

"...hang on while I fall asleep and fuck Tim in my dreams."

"It's either my good looks, my good looks, or my modesty."

"ZOMG! Ron should TOTALLY get herpes from Malfoy!"

"We're pathetic. Let's just hire hookers."

"So ... you're running a little low on brain power, then. Kate - sleep = bad things."

"Family party. Uhh. Picture Bill and Fleur's wedding, but with more alcohol and more violence. The Death Eaters have nothing on the Arsenaults."

"Let me refresh your memory; you are the brains of this operation. I just sleep around and give you things to write about."

"Wait. Did you say you finished your homework? Who are you and what have you done with my Kate?!"

"No, but Hermione would have had the homework done for sure.
...I'm pretty sure that in the picture dictionary, they have us under 'Potter Nerds'."

"YOU BETTER UNHIDE THAT HIDDEN MEANING!"

"I have Edward Cullen, you have Ron Weasley. Isn't it nice to know that we only had to go insane to find true love?"

"Are there two people fucking? Then I want to read it!"

"Well, I've been screwing Edward for the past five minutes. That's right Paris Hilton; you're not the only one who uses the phone during sex!"

"Omg, he sat on you! PLEASE TELL ME THAT IT WAS LIKE A LAPDANCE AND NOT LIKE A 'HMM YOU LOOK SOFT AND COMFY!"

"You could tell him that during sex. Everything sounds better during sex."

"Well, write a play where a blonde witch gets fucked by a hot italian who is skipping class and then have the class act it out."

"Still 'busy' are we? Tell Mr Ronald that you have things to do!"

"Edward is like a pro, but Ron is like the cute little puppy that you have to train."

"OK, remember our convo about how your PMS hurts me too ..."

"MORE DISHES? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAMILY? DO YOU EACH USE LIKE, 7 PLATES A MEAL!?"

Texting back and forth...

JD: You should have just let Ron screw you in your sleep.
Me: We have porno proof that that doesn't work without her waking up.

JD: Like the veil slays Sirius. Much less violent.
Me: SIRIUS ISN'T DEAD, HE'S HIDING! SHUT UP!

Me: Hey, you've reached Kate. I'm busy fucking a Mister Ronald Weasley. If you could leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as he blacks out!
JD: OK, dearest Kate, I hope you're enjoying your porno-grade sex. When you've squeezed every last drop of jizz out of your imaginary lover, text me back and we'll talk.

Me: I am in math class. Cutting myself with a broken protractor and bleeding black.
JD: -pulls an Ellie and kicks emo cliches in the vagina-

JD: It was hot. Almost as hot as Draco between Hermione's legs.
Me: Between her legs against a wall. Sliding down the wall and landing on the floor, still going.
JD: ...I am in public. Please don't be so descriptive. I can't suppress the moans and Edward gets that mischevious look in his eyes that could get me in a lot of trouble.

Me: I'm teaching Mum how to text.
JD: Tell her she needs to do thumb stretches in order to text like us.
Me: And I quote: "Howdoimakeaspacebetweenwords"
JD: Roflcopter. Omg, that's beautiful. It's like Michelle's sister - zomgididntknowforgerywasillegal!

JD: You already told me that.
Me: ...Did I?
JD: Yeah. The other day on the phone.
Me: Oh.
JD: ...Do you just put yourself on AutoPilot when I call?
Me: Sometimes.
JD: You impress me sometimes. This is not one of those times.

Reading reviews for Things They Should Have Taught Us In School:
marenfic: Still love it. I was thinking about it in the shower (not THAT way, well. . . ) and started laughing because I LOVE how Hermione's all, "got mine, too bad for you sucka" and rolls over and goes to sleep. Because that is awesome and she totally would.

(Homeroom) Biology (Grade Eleven)

Ms. Murphy: .. 'cause if I hear a lot of this -drops wooden sphere on lab bench repeatedly- I'm going to say, 'don't break my balls!'

Ms M: -writing on the board- "enzyme = biological _ "
Class: -looks around at each other-
Ms M: What is the missing word?
Me: .. can we buy a vowel?
Ms M: -laughs- "_a_a_y_ _" There.
Class: -again, looks around at each other-
Gary Moreira: .. catalyst ..?
Ms M: YES!
Class: OH YEAH! I KNEW THAT!

Gary Moreira and Timothy: -are chatting quietly-
Ms M: -is ignoring them since they're being quiet-
Gary and Timothy: -start randomly hitting each other-
Ms M: OK you two! Outside! Stay in the hall! No talking, no touching each other!
Class: Oooooooh!
Hannah: Zomg, that's hot!
Me: I would pay to see that!
Hannah: Zomg, yes! Right here! -points to the spot on the ground right in front of her desk-
Me: Yes! Them topless! Five bucks!
Hannah: Zomg, Katie! That little?
Me: =)

Ms M: .. and apparently he fudged his data. And that's a big no-no!
Me: ..he what?
Ms M: Fudged his data.
Me: -not hearing properly- .. he f#ked his dad? What?
Hannah: -laughing- Katie!
Me: What! I heard 'he f#ked his dad'!
Ms M: Fudged his data!
Me: OH! Oops. Sorry, Miss. I was wondering why that was only a no-no!

Bradley: No, I can't! I'm shit when it comes to rubic's cubes!
Ms M: .. is such language really necessary?
Me: -snorts- Miss, you listen to Ani DiFranco. Even if you've never used a curse word in your life, you can't say you've never heard one.
Ms M: I have heard them. I've even used a couple selective ones. But in this school --
Person in the hall: WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?
Ms M: .. what is with these kids! Do the language filters just turn off when the final bell rings?
Brad: Miss, the filters were never on to begin with.

Ms M: Adell, you had an idea for a fundraiser.
Adell: Yes. You know how there's that old tradition where people hang mistletoe and you have to kiss someone if you get caught under it? Well, why don't we set up a mistletoe booth?
Class: -have conflicted opinions-
Ms M: Hmm. That sounds like a good idea. It would be an innocent, Catholic peck on the cheek and --
Me and Hannah: NO! Miss!
Ms M: What!
Me: Lips, Miss. On the lips!
Hannah: No tongue! I promise!
Awhile later..
Ms M: -sitting at her desk- I don't know. We'd need volunteers and stuff.
Me and Hannah: I'll do it! -hands shoot into the air-
Ms M: Two girls.
Princess and Vanessa: Me too!
Ms M: .. Four girls ..
Patrick and Julius: Us too! Six girls!
Vanessa: -whispering in my ear- I'd pay extra to grab your ass.
Me: -laughs- Likewise, hun. Likewise.
Vanessa: We could totally charge extra for that!
Hannah: -comes into the conversation halfway- Yes! Charge extra for tongue!
Ms M: AH!! -pushes rolly chair away from desk and runs into the hallway-
Me, Hannah, Vanessa: -clinging to each other in laughter-
Hannah: Zomg, Miss, I didn't mean for you to hear that!
Me: Miss, come back inside!
Ms M: -takes a breath and walks back into the classroom-
Me: ..Wow, Miss. I don't think I've ever seen you move so fast.
Ms M: Kate, you're not helping.
Me: -laughs and sits down-
Ms M: -stands in front of the class again- So. We have conflicted opinions on whether we should do this. It would be an innocent kiss --
Me: And for extra, we'd give tongue.
Ms M: Kate, do NOT start with that again!
Me: -snickering- Sorry, Miss. I couldn't help it.

Note to Adriana:
Me: Oh, hang on, Ron's about to screw Hermione!
Adri: YAY! -dances-
Me: ...it's weird, writing this like this. I usually write my Potter porn on my computer. At night. With tea and a couple cookies.
Adri: ...
Me: ...ZOMGI'MSUCHAFUCKINGPERV!

Mr Gagliardi: Just a short story.
Me: Can it be longer than four pages?
Mr G: Yup.
Me: What's the maximum?
Mr G: You could write me a book if you wanted.
Me: ..ZOMG, seriously?!
Ellie and Adriana: SIR, SAY NO!
Mr G: Yeah.
Me: Zomg, sir. Really?
Mr G: Well, you'd have to hand it in eventually..
Me: Well, yeah. But I could write a whole story? Chapters and everything?
Ellie and Adriana: NO SIR! SAY NO!
Me: Shut up! Sir, don't listen to them! I can write you a book?
Mr G: -laughs- Yeah.
Me: -grins-
Adriana: Zomg, sir, you have no idea what you have just done.
Mr G: ..
Me: -still grinning-
Mr G: Okay, maximum..ten pages. Double spaced.
Me: ..Oh, sir, that hurts me.
Mr G: Okay, fifteen pages as the absolute maximum.
Me: ..aw, fine.

Mr G: ..in that case, we'd have to get a divorce!
Me, Chris, Tara: .. -blink-
Mr G: .. I'm joking!
Tara: .. That's not a very nice joke ..

Mr G: ..different ways to deliver a baby today, but back then, C-section was rare, but not unheard of, and the most common way was through vaginal delivery.
Ellie: -only half listening, as always- .. Did he just say 'vaginal delivery'? What, is that like,
-knocks on desk-
"Hello?"
"Hi"
"How can I help you?"
"I'm here to deliver your vagina!"
Me: -laughing too hard to correct Ellie-
Ellie: "Here's your free Vajayjay!"
Silence for a couple seconds..
Ellie: ..Ooooooh! He was talking about giving birth, wasn't he?
Me: -crying with laughter and nodding- Yes, you fucking spazz!

Mr G: It's funny, but George W. Bush was talking about George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four before he was elected and talking about all the issues the book brought up.
Me: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on. Bush can read?
Class: -chuckles-
Mr G: -laughs-

Mr G: ..kind of like Star Wars!
Me: -hand shoots into the air- Zomg, sir, do we have a Chewie? I love Chewie, he rocks! And that noise he makes, like, -attempts to imitate Chewbaka and fails-
Mr G: ..blinks- .. anyway!

Ellie: ZOMFG! -takes off shoe- Guys, look! FUZZY SOCKS!
Me: ZOMG!
Adell: -has a MAJOR foot fetish- ZOINK! -grabs foot-
Chris and Tara: .. where did your foot go? -look at Adell-
Me: ..wow. I don't think I've ever seen Adell move so fast!
Ellie: -starts spazzing out from laughing so hard-
Me: Zomg, Ellie, you're having a sockgasm!
Ellie: -laughs even harder-
Mr G: -plays Seductive by 50 Cent. It is better not to question his motives-
Adell: -makes Ellie's foot dance-
Ellie: DANCE, FOOT, DANCE!
Ten minutes later..
Ellie: -takes foot back-
Adell: -huge smile-
Mr G: -talking about something totally different, but it was funny 'cause it flowed- That's pimpin'.maybe..

Me: -sitting on Adell's lap, half-way through Eclipse (Stephenie Meyer). Librarian (huge fan of the Twilight series) walks in- Miss! Miss, he PROPOSED!
Ms Pitts: :O CONGRATULATIONS!
Me: -laughs- No, not Adell! In the book!!
Ms Pitts: Oh! I KNOW! -squeals. The woman is like, 63. That alone is hysterical-

Adell: -hugs Ellie's feet- I love you, Sweet Feet!
Ellie: I love you too, my Eddie.
Chris: .. did Adell just deepthroat your foot?
Me: No, he hugged them!
Ellie: I don't think my foot would fit in his mouth .. then again, I really don't want to find out!
Adell: -smiles-

Me: You okay?
Ellie: I don't like people being mad at me.
Me: I'll never be mad at you. Unless you backstab me.
Ellie: I wouldn't backstab you unless you backstab me first. And only if it was really bad. I only backstab for revenge.
Me: Me too. And only if they're worth it.
Ellie: Yeah.
Me: ..you'd be worth the backstab.
Ellie: You too, Kate. You too.

Ms Haninec: What's inside this box?
Class: ..
Ms H: Any one?
Me: ..open it and find out..
Ms H: We can't open it.
-A few minutes later after a heated discussion including yelling, a lot of speaking out of turn, theories being written, and a LOT of contradiction-
Ms H: I'll tell you what's in this box when scientists are one hundred percent sure what's inside the atom.
Class: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL US WHAT'S IN THE BOX AFTER ALL THAT!?
Ellie: Miss, I'll give you twenty bucks..
Me: -snorts with laughter-
Hannah and Princess: .. -start laughing at me-
Me: Did anyone see where she put the box?
Class: ..
-Yet another few minutes later-
Ellie: -continues to brib Ms H-
Me: Watch, she has no idea what is in that box because she didn't put it together and no one told HER, EITHER.
Ellie: :O -jumps up to ask-
Me: ..
Ellie: So tell me, your favourite student..what's in the box?
Ms H: Nope. I can't.
Ellie: Kay. What if I find it?
Ms H: No, that's what science is about; making discoveries and not knowing if you're right or not by the end of it.
Ellie: But it is a discovery. I FOUND THE BOX!
Ms H: -laughs- Not this time, Ellie.
Ellie: But..but..but..races back to me-
-Later-
Ellie: I'm going to ask Ryan what's in the box. I'll be all 'Ryan, you're a man. You should know what's in the box!'
Me: ..it's a dick in a box!
Ellie: :O
Me and Ellie: -start singing "Dick in a Box"-

Ms H: So this molecule is the parent.
Class: ..
Ms H: And now the parent is going to become a stripper.
Class: .. What!?
Ellie: -awakes from her unconcious state- ..I'm interested now!
Me: -Striptease pops into head-
Ellie: -gets up and takes off clothes- I'll be the model! WOOO!! (Please note that this last part did not actually happen. Ellie wrote it because she's a freak. And I love her because of it.)

Me: I wanna die in my sleep.
Camille: Really? That's so boring.
Me: Well, fine. I wanna die when I'm in my late nineties, early hundreds from a heart attack after sex.
Bradley: ..why?
Me: 'Cause.
Camille: It's more interesting than dying in your sleep.
Hannah: What's more interesting than dying in your sleep?
Me: Dying in your early hundreds after sex.
Hannah: ..Why would you be having sex in your early hundreds?
Me and Camille: Why not?
Hannah: That's so gross!
Me: Why?
Hannah: Because..it just is!
Me: Not really!
Hannah: I wanna die peacefully. And when I'm gone, I want my body to be put in a blender and liquified, and someone has to force Alex to drink it.
Me: ..Did you just finish watching Hostile or something? Or are you just trying to be more creative than me? 'Cause that won't work.
Brad: ..I wanna be 87 when I die. NO! No, wait! I wanna be 150!
Camille: ..You're going to be 74 when you die.
Brad: How the hell do you know?
Camille: I'm good at telling when someone will die.
Me: Oh really? How do you know this?
Camille: =)
Me: All right, how old will I be?
Camille: ..86
Me: Nope, but OK.
Brad: Miss! Miss, how old are you going to be when you die?
Ms H: -can't hear because the class is so loud- What?
Brad: How old are you going to be when you die?
Ms H: Brad, I can't hear you!
Me: -jumps up and runs to the front desk- How old are you going to be when you die?
Ms H: -blinks-
Hannah, Brad, and Camille: -are laughing in the background-
Me: I'm going to be 115.
Ms H: Um .. good for you?
Me: =D

Me: -reading "YOU! The Owner's Manual to a Healithier Body"- Brad, do you know how your penis works?
Brad: ..blinks- What?
Camille: ..Kate, what are you reading?
Me: The sex chapter in the book. Do you know how a penis works, Camille?
Camille: I know that all the blood rushes down to it when the guy is turned on..
Brad: And the cock gets hard!
Me: OK, but do you know why?
Brad: ..because the guy is horny?
Me: -snickers- No. There's a spongy muscle that absorbs the blood and causes the penis to stand erect. The veins around the base of a penis clamp down to keep the blood in the penis, causing the male to maintain the erection. This is fasinating! I'm learning things I didn't know before!
Brad: ..Mentos anyone?

Brad: ..What are you doing?
Me: -searching through textbook- I'm looking for when this was published.
Camille: ..Why are you searching through the first unit?
Me: Because I can't find it on the Works Cited page.
Brad: "Copyright 2002".
Me: ..Where'd you find that!?
Brad: On the Works Cited page.
Me: .. -flips to Works Cited page-
Camille: It's small; leave her alone.
Me: ..It's bold. How the hell did I miss that?
Camille: ..I'm on your side!
Me: Oh! Right! Yeah, Brad! Leave me alone, it's small!

Conversation between Ellie and JD:
JD: My life is spiralling downward into the abyss of emo cliches.
Ellie: -kicks emo cliches in the vagina-

At Ellie's 17th birthday:

Gasior: -gets a hold of Two Simple Words. No big deal, it's Gasior-
Ellie: Kate, he has your story again. I don't want him to pop one in front of my mom.
Gasior: I need everyone to sit down please!
Me: .. uh oh.
Everyone: -sits-
Gasior: This is Kate's story. "Ronald Weasley was having a shitty week. His Auror training was working him to the limit and he came home every night later than he expected. Savouring the fact that it was a Friday, he searched his pockets for his keys."
Me and Ellie: NO!!
Gasior: "A noise came from within his flat and he froze, leaning a little closer to the door and trying to decipher the sound. There was a faint buzzing. 'Oh, Ron.'" -keeps reading-
Me: Oh shit. -curls up in a ball in the corner of the room, blushing furiously-
Ellie's Mom: Hang on, hang on. Now I know why everyone was walking around yesterday with their eyes glued to the fucking papers! It's erotica! -looks over at me- Zomg, get me a camera! Look how red my daughter is! (Note: Ellie's mom has adopted all of Ellie's friends. Including me)
Me: Oh God. -hides face in shirt-
Gasior: "'Hermione. Hermione, please. Please,' Ron begged. Hermione crawled back onto the bed and started kissing up Ron's leg, ignoring his pleas."
Dave (Mom's boyfriend): Hang on. -turns to Danny's 12 year old sister- Do you want to go upstairs? -slight pause- I mean, by yourself?
Me: OH MY, GOD! DAVE!! -rolls on the floor laughing-
Everyone: -starts to laugh-
Dave: OK, well, hang on! Let's act this out! I'll be Ron!
Luca: I'LL BE HERMIONE!
Dave: -sits on a chair, legs spread-
Luca: -runs forward and drops to his knees, pretending to give Dave head-
Gasior: -laughing- "'Be a good boy,' she purred before enveloping Ron's cock with her mouth and tongue. She tilted her head a bit and swirled her tongue while moving her head up and down."
Ellie: ZOMGDAVE! CAN I BE YOUR PENIS?!
Gasior: -can hardly see from laughing so hard-
Ellie: -runs forward and stands between Dave's legs, arms glued to her sides, her head bent slightly-
Luca: -grabs Ellie's arms and bobs his mouth against the top of Ellie's head, pretending to give head again-
Gasior: "Hermione slipped a finger into her mouth and stroked Ron with it, still moving her tongue over him. He shouted her name and Hermione lightly grazed her teeth over the head of Ron's cock. She kept this up until she knew he was close to his orgasm."
Mom: OK, we should stop! There is a twelve year old present!
Me: Well, I tried to tell you that!
Everyone: -starts laughing in the aftermath of it all-

Shelly: There's a light on the end of his wand!
Me: ..
Shelly: ..
Me: -starts snickering-
Shelly: No, I mean his wand! His wand!
Me: ..shakes with laughter-
Shelly: Zomg, I mean that there's a light on the end of his magic wand!
Me: ..You're making it worse. Shut up while you're ahead. I know you mean his wooden wand.
Shelly: ZOMG! -cries with laughter-
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Shelly: Zomg, Katey, just stop.
Me and Shelly: -start laughing again-

Me: -dials the number and the corresponding numbers to get where I need to be-
Computer for Virgin Mobile: Please enter your mobile number.
Me: -searches frantically through the phone for the number-
Computer: Are you still there? Please enter your mobile number.
Me: -Still searching frantically through phone-
Computer: Are you still there? Pleas--
Me: YES! -enters number and shuts the computer up. Two birds. One damn stone-
Computer: Uh oh! That number is unverified. Please enter your mobile number.
Me: What the hell?! -enters number again-
Computer: Uh oh! That number is unverified. Please enter your mobile number.
Me: ..enters number again-
Computer: Uh oh! That number is unverified. Please enter your mobile number.
Me: WHAT THE HELL?! -enters number again-
Computer: Uh oh! That number is unverified! Are you playing hard to get?
Me: NO! I'M TRYING TO MINUTES ON MY FUCKING PHONE, BITCH!
Computer: Please enter your mobile number.
Me: -enters number again-
Computer: Hmm. It seems there's a problem with your number. Give us a minute and we'll hook you up with a nice, cuddly human!
Me: ..You couldn't tell there was something wrong the FIRST time it didn't work?!
Three minutes later..
Some lady: Virgin Mobile, how may I help you?
Me: -whimpering- Are you a nice, cuddly human?

Elaina: I'd finish it, but I never have time.
Me: You should totally finish it. When you have the tim.
Elaina: Okay .. the tim .. is that a disease?
Me: Yes. It's a disease where you can't stop writing.
Elaina: I wish I had the tim!
Me: I HAVE IT RIGHT NOW!

Me: -glomps-
Andre: ..what is 'glomp'? I feel attacked lol
Me: Glomp is a violent hug. Never sexual.
Andre: Nope. Never -looks around-
Me: Well, never sexual when it's from me.
Andre: Kate, you ARE the definition of SEXUAL!
Me: roflcopter! I am not!
Andre: Pfft. Lies.
Me: If I were the definition of sexual..oh. Yes, you're right. Never mind.
Andre: See :D
Me: Okay, fine, you win. I'm the definition of sexual :P
Andre: Woot! Now, put it in your MSN name :P
Me: lol. Yeah, alright!

Flo: Look at this: "Ronald Bilius Weasley is Harry Potter's best friend and a potential love interest for Hermione Granger".
Me: LMFAO! POTENTIAL?!
Flo: I know!
Me: roflcopter! POTENTIAL!?
Flo: I know! Whoa, deja vu!
Me: =P
Flo: "Hermione Jane Granger is a student at Hogwarts and a very close friend of both Harry Potter and Ron Weasley".
Me: ..wtf?!
Flo: WHY ISN'T THE WORD 'POTENTIAL' WRITTEN THERE!?

Me: ..it's quiet here..TOO quiet..
Lexxie: lol. Why?
Me: ..maybe 'cause I'm not listening to music..
Lexxie: lol. I'M TIRED, BITCH!

Lexxie: Kay. I'm Sherlock Holmes from now on. Kay. And you'll be Watson. 'Cause although they didn't truly say it in the books, I'm pretty sure he was his sex slave.
Me: ..sex slave, eh? We gonna sneak into the bathroom at Hard Rock Cafe and get it on?
Lexxie: They don't call it Hard Cock for nothing ;)
Me: ..
Lexxie: OMG! LMFAO! That was probably the WORST typo EVER. Rock!
Me: LMMFFAO! Okay, let me breathe. Gimme a sex. SEC! Holy shit, we're bad tonight XD
Lexxie: Whoever made our keyboards are out to get us!
Me: Lmao!

Lexxie: I am the lightest drunk you'll ever meet. On New Year's, before the actual drinks came out, we had champane to bring in the New Year, then the real alcohol was going to come out, but I had had two glasses of the champane. BAM! I was gone. Drunk. They had pictures of me doing back arches out in the rain. And apparently I went around pulling everyone's pants down.
Me: ..wow. You've experienced everything haven't you?
Lexxie: What do you mean?
Me: Had sex, gotten drunk..bloody hell, all you need to do now is flunk out of school and go broke on crack, smack, weed and coke.
Lexxie: Get pregnant with my cousin and BAM! I'm a southerner!

Me: Zomg, maybe I should write a story about you and Draco getting together!
Lexxie: YUSSSSSSSS
Me: Or, I could make another one where you're a transfer student (that plot is used so fucking often. Seriously) and you're tranfered to Hogwarts and placed in Slytherin and Draco starts falling for you, but you're in love with Ron, but he's with Hermione, and Hermione's loosing interest in Ron, but gaining interest in Draco and Harry likes Ginny, but he likes Hermione and Ginny's like 'Pfft, whatever Potter, you ain't getting into these pants EVER' and he's like 'fine. HERMIONE!' and Hermione's all 'dude!' and Ron's all 'but Hermione, I love you!' and you're all 'Draco, stop humping my leg' and Draco's all 'oh yeah!' and Ron's all 'Ew' and Hermione's all 'Oh hellz man, that's fucking hot' and Draco's all 'Ew. Mudblood. Put your clothes back on!' and Harry's all 'No man! keep them off and come over here! I've got a problem and you need to fix it!' and Hermione's all 'Ew. Harry, you're like, my brother. Why would I fuck you?' and Harry's all '-is depressed-' and then I come into the picture randomly and I'm all 'Oh, Harry, I'll fuck you' and Harry's all 'Haha, fuckers, I'm about to get laid!' and Ron's all 'Zomg, Hermione, just fuck me so I can dump you and marry Alex!' and Hermione's all 'Pfft. Fine. -fucks Ron-' and Ron's all 'Fine. You were crap. I'm dumping you. ALEX!' and you'll be all '-flutters eyelashes- Yes, Ronnie?' and Ron'll be all 'Zomg, I'm suddenly in love with you, marry me, biatch,' and you'll be all 'zomg yes! -snogs-' and you and Ron will live happily ever after and Draco will have a permanent hard-on, and Harry and Ginny will finally go at it like rabbits behind the Slytherin Common Room couches and then they'll be like 'Howtf did we end up here? Ah fuck that' and keep going. Oh, and I'll get stuck with Neville, who'll turn out to be a pretty good fuck once you get him trained.
Lexxie: LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Me: You like my story?
Lexxie: LOLYES!!

Me: Maybe you should tell your mum.
Michelle: Tell Mum what?
Me: About the thing "sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me, so throw me down and tie me up and show me that you like me".
Michelle: LOL! Maybe later. Right now Erika's all 'ZOMGIDIDN'TKNOWFORGERYWASILLEGAL!!
Me: lmfao. Stupid whore.

Michelle: I'm surrounded by peanuts!
Me: Really? I wanna fuck Ron.
Michelle: ..Okay..RANDOM!
Me: -grins madly-

Michelle: Stupid Ms COW said that this book was gonna be interesting!
Me: What book is it?
Michelle: Forbidden City. Basically, it's about this guy whose dad's a newsman and he's taking him to China, but the guy's like "I don't wanna go, I have to write my exams still, biatch!"
Me: ..how is that NOT interesting?
The Conversation Window: -goes silent-
Me: ..looks around- who SAID that??
Michelle: No one's had sex, and nothing has exploded. It's not interesting.

Me: The summary: Hermione can't stop hearing his voice.
Michelle: Hermione's been taking the happy-face pills.

Me: You idiot?!
Michelle: I'd be like 'FUCK YOU, YOU OWE ME A HAND!!

Dumbledore: First, you must survive three tasks.
Me: Survive?! Oh, yeah, that REALLY makes me wanna join!

Dumbledore: Priori Incantatum..
Michelle: WTF sir?

Me: WTMF is 1337 H4x0rz?
Michelle: You n00b.

Dad: -makes some weird movements- Wingardium Leviosa!
Me: -not looking away from the computer screen- ..are you waving a chopstick at me?
Dad: Yes.
Me: -slowly turns head from computer screen- .. you're doing it wrong. It's swish and flick. Otherwise, you could take someone's eye out.
Dad: .. -points chopstick at me- AVADA KEDAVRA!

Dad: -handing Deathly Hallows back to me-OK, that's not cool. I wanted the Malfoys to die! This is your fault!
Me: .. what the hell? How is it my fault? I'm not J.K Rowling!
Dad: Well, you're close enough!
Mum: .. wow.
Dad: That's what you can do for me for Christmas! You can write up a brutal death for the Malfoys for me! Preferably trampled by a flock of rampaging Hippogriffs!
Me: ..are you kidding me?
Dad: -walking out of the room- No! I'm being serious!
Me: .. -turns to Mum, mouth open- What the hell are you giving him before bed?!
Mum: -chuckles- You should totally write it! And mail it to him. With a Christmas card.
Me: .. -thinks for a minute- Hmm. You know .. I can now see it happening.
Mum: What? The card arriving and Dad laughing?
Me: -snorts- No. The Hippogriffs. They're running over the Malfoys. And I can see Harry, Ron and Hermione standing to the side, mouths open and wands out. And when the Hippogriffs are gone, Harry turns to the other two and says, '.did we just see what I think we saw?' and then it ends!
Mum: ..I was only kidding about actually doing it, but OK!

"NO FLUFF! Fluff is sweet and cute and tasty. That was just..O_X"

"It's like 'Omg, Ron, I love you!' 'Hermione, are you sure?' 'Yes, I love you, Ron, now fuck me!' "

"Hermione's all 'Omg Sweet' and Ron and Harry are all 'wtf mate?'quot; (Michelle and I have concluded that this is Harry Potter in a nutshell)

"Moody's like 'Don't run into the fire -_-"

"I almost screamed when Hermione ran into Harry, like 'Ah, it's a monster!'quot;

".Kay. Hermione's standing in the fire, Ron's all 'Oh, I'm scared' and Harry's dead..quot;

"Whoa! Is that a ZOMBIE? Oh, no, wait, it's Ron!"

"-J-walking- Zomg, Katey, I don't want to die! This is like Frogger, only scarier!"

"I thought it was an actual person! I was going 'Why is she so shiny?'quot;

"Harry's wiggling his wand!.And we REALLY shouldn't be yelling this!"

JD: People in glass houses shouldn't walk around naked.

Math Class (Grade Eleven)

Michelle: -building Kinder Surprise toy- Damn it! It broke! I swear, Kinder Surprise hates me!
Me: Here, I’ll build it.
Michelle: NO! I have to do it!
Me: Hey, it’s your time.
Michelle: HA! There.
Me: -looks up-
Michelle: Like my boat? Choo choo!
Me: … -tries not to laugh-
Michelle: …
Me: …-bursts out laughing- Choo choo is a train!
Michelle: …
Me: -still laughing- So … chug chug?
Michelle: Yes; that one.