Good morrow, gentle viewers!
I bid you welcome! I'm not quite sure what you're doing out here considering the conspicuous lack of writings, or "fanfiction" as the masses have so lovingly dubbed it, done by this humble yet undeniably sexy soul but that's no reason to be impolite. I suspect you took a wrong turning several search words ago and ended up impossibly lost in this electronic maelstrom known only as "Teh Internets". Even the back button can't help you now.
Mwahahahaha! Your safety blanket has caught fire! Your goose is cooked! Snape kills Dumbledore!
What will you do now?
Does Terror worm it's way through the very foundations of your mind? Does Despair grip you now in your moment of panic? Does Horror's icy fingers of encroaching insanity play a sweet melody up and down your spine making you beg for the dubious yet strangely comforting embrace of the Reaper?
Because if it does you should seek help. Professional if you can swing it. The amateuristic efforts of friends and kin frequently bring more shananigans than solutions. They certainly mean well but their bungling efforts and madcap antics often leave the unlucky recipient with a mental landscape that better resembles an MC Escher painting done by a blind man on acid than the organized chaos that makes up most people's thought box.
But, like that sound just on the edge of your hearing or that word just on the tip of your tongue, common sense is always lurking nearby, watching and waiting for that single moment - that flash of weakness - so it can cut through the fog of your ignorance to lead you onto the path of the righteous once more.
Oh common sense is there nothing you can't do?
The answer is of course a resounding Goddamn. Just... Goddamn.
Anyway before my train of thought was derailed due to an unforeseen upswing in track leafiness, I was actually talking about something relevent. Possibly groundbreaking but maybe just tremor worthy.
I'm in ur base killin' all ur doo...wait, no I'm not. The doods in ur base are distinctly unkilled. I would even go as far as to say they have been demurdered and are now undead.
...Wait. Something about that sentence strikes me as off but I can't quite put my finger on it. Oh well it's not like it's going to come back to bit- OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD IT BURNS!! -e me in the ass.
Curious... but no matter! Despite the undead hordes impeccable timing and rending of my face (which I had grown quite fond of) I shall push forward!
For Great Justice.
It has just struck me that the majority (read:all of it) of what I've just written is ass retarded. That's... probably not a good indication of things to come. Oh and if you're curious as to what the balls I'm up to then I shall enlighten your unworthy selves:
The Friggin' Fantastic Fanfiction Files!
Or FFFF... for short
Eh, basicially it's a one man mission undertaken by some totally awesome dude, who incidently looks a lot like me whenever I look in a mirror, to chronicle every damn fanfic that I've ever read and enjoyed. As you can see, through a combination of OCD and 'too much damn time on his hands' I have amassed a collection of 2000-odd fanfic recommendations ranging from Alex Rider all the way to Yu-Gi-Oh with many an amusing side trip along the way. Hell there's many fandoms that I honestly couldn't give a flying kick about most days but those damnable authors with their enticing plots, perfectly likeable characters and writing styles so smooth and silky they caress my eye balls even as I read them, force me to care against my will.
Really, going for a WikiWalk through a fanfiction archive can yield so much win if you have the testicular fortitude to wade through all the horrible, horrible slash fics. And hell I don't have anything against the idea of slash itself. I just think of it as really obscure pairings. Some people will just like a certain pairing (i.e. dude on dude) for a certain reason (there's a double helping of penis) and that's that. And thankfully more and more authors are kind enough to label it as such so we of the hetero pairings can safely bypass or if the authors good enough bull through in favour of the rest of the story. It's the virulent nature of bad slash that's the problem. Seriously take a look, cursory or detailed, at any moderately popular fandom and I guarantee bad slash will jump out and hump your eyeballs till they bleed! I'm all for live and let live but goddamn it they really know how to damper one's enthusiasm. The majority of slash fics are what I like to call an anal espresso, namely a small highly concentrated piece of shit. The few good slash authors (i.e. the ones who work within the constraints of the fandoms 'world' and have the characters act like they should even if they're given an entirely new sexuality to play with) get lost in the deluge of crap crap crap that festers and grows day by day. Honestly your average slash fic boils down to this:
Sasuke/Suzaku/Kaiba/Heero: "My soul broils with unexpressed angst. Wanna have sex?"
And so they did.
By the powers invested in me, this is ridiculous. How can they claim to love a character when they rip and rend and tear, removing all interesting character traits and individuality, until they're nothing but a faceless puppet with a nametag and an erect penis? They could stick character masks on Fred and Bill from down the road and tell them to get it on and it would still create a better piece of fiction than one of these pieces of garbage. At least then they'd be real characters and not just 2 bit caricatures of beloved characters that look like they've been thrown in a blender with a whole lotta suck and then set to Max. The creations they so gleefully fuck with are works of art and deserve nothing but respect and a tip of the hat to the creator. It's the sheer volume of the crappy slash fics that by far outweighs all other story types in many fandoms that's the really annoying part. You have to wade through a sea of mud for a handful of gold dust.
I suppose the effort should make the inevitable victory all the sweeter but damn it all I'm a lazy bastard who just whats to browse peacefully without coming across crap that could turn a gay man straight out of sheer embarassment.
Hmm... I seem to have come off angrier than I actually am. To clarify, this is merely one of life's many annoying problems that you just have to deal with and is actually pretty minor in terms of annoying shit. For an example to show where it would fall on the rage-o-meter picture, if you will, a bathroom. It has all the amenities you'd expect from a bathroom, namely a toilet, a sink, a mirror and a bath. Imagine you'd just got back from a hard day down the salt mines or whatever and just want to take a dump, have a bath, y'know relax a little, when, to your quiet horror, you discover the bathroom that was friggin' spotless when you'd gone off to fight the good fight, now has piss all over the toilet seat, a 12-inch floater clogging the u-bend, water on the floor, hair in the bath and used underpants in the sink (this happens more than you'd think). There's really nothing you can do except curse, either God or the likely culprit, roll up your sleaves and teach those stains whose boss! Unfortunately this is merely a high 2 or low 3 on the meter compared to all the other infuriating crap in life. That's what it's the equivalent of. Mundane but ever so quietly soul destroying.
But God, when you find one of those nuggets of fanfic gold it's so freakin' worth it. It's like a velvet covered fish hook to the brain. You couldn't turn away even if you wanted to and by the Power of Greyskull, there's no way you'd want to even when your eyelids grow heavy and your limbs feel like they've been replaced with bags of sand. "Just...One...Moreeeeee...", doesn't apply only to bowls of tasty, tasty Lucky Charms and is a feeling I'm sure is as commonplace in fanfiction enthusiasts as it is in Korean PC gamers.
Black_Dragon6, nonjon, Sarah1281, Chibi-Reaper, kyugan, jbern, ContraBardus (formerly CarrotGlace), Shade, YamiPaladinofChaos, Nugar, Shezza88, Moczo and many more besides...
(These are not all of my favourite fanfic authors, indeed tis but a fraction, however to list them all is an exercise in madness and stupidity so here's just a few of the ones whose stories I can re-read over and over and indeed maybe even over again and not get the least bit tired of. That's the quality of a classic in my opinion and worthy of recognition and bags of cashmoney.)
Authors who, by the very act of putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), remind me how life is in fact like a deliciously warm marshmallow hug and not, despite popular and widespread opinion and evidence to the contrary, a crazy bitch with a machete out for blood. Although I can see where the confusion originates. It's simply a matter of perspective.
Give a crappy idea to a good author and the finished product will gleam like so much diamond out of the coal mine of it's potential fail.
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