HELLO, Nurse!

Welcome to my profile. It's irreverent and insulting, and you're sure to be either amused or offended (or possibly both).

I hope you enjoy! :D

All right -- after seeing a lot of sub-par writing out there, and trying my best to give constructive criticism, I've broken the main aspects of writing a fanfic (or an orginal fic, technically) into three segments, and given them a grade between 1 and 4 based on quality. This is just something for a reader to look at if (s)he wants to write a good, helpful review.

Forestwater’s Fiction Writing Rubric

Writing:

4 — Everything (or almost everything) is spelled correctly. There are few if any grammatical errors, the writing flows easily and there’s variety in the words and phrases used. The vocabulary is advanced, and used well; it’s obvious that the author knows exactly what the word means, and didn’t just pull out a thesaurus and choose a word at random! Purple prose is virtually nonexistent, and it reads like a published novel — well, a GOOD published novel. This is a rarity in the fanfiction world, and not as common as it should be in the original fiction world.

3 — There are some spelling and grammatical errors, but it’s still better than most. Words used make sense in context, but disrupt the flow a little, hinting that the author may have just used the thesaurus to sound smarter. There’s some adjective bloat, and some awkward wording, but it’s still a very well-written piece.

2 — Several spelling errors, or words that don’t quite fit, like the author used spellcheck and picked the first word on the list, even if it wasn’t the one (s)he wanted. Grammatical errors are nearly more common than correct grammar, though it’s still legible. Purple prose abounds, and everything has a “glimmering luster, like moonlight on diamonds” and eyes are “a brilliant emerald, dancing with mischief and excitement.” (Suggestion: If using this to review a work of fiction, it might be helpful to point out to the author such examples of purple prose from the work itself). This is the standard most writing on fanfiction.net is, and while it’s still readable, it does take away from the enjoyment of the story.

1 — Well, at least it’s in its intended language . . . or you think it is. Almost every word is misspelled, punctuation is all but absent, and/or txtspk iz all da raje. Text-block-of-dooms also make this story impossible to read without going cross-eyed, and you feel sick just trying to figure out what on earth “Hary kizzd m n i wuz so happe bcuz he usd hiz tung” means. And the sentences you can read are filled with “crimson eyes flashing with fury” and “jet-black hair falling to her knees” (probably not spelled quite so well, of course). Description is nonexistent, and the entire effect is mind-numbing. This is definitely the most horrifying thing to discover.

Characters:

4 — The characters are all well-rounded and believable. While they may be the hero(ine) and are plenty awesome, they still have flaws and failings. The characters’ personalities are consistent, they AREN’T the most beautiful/smart/perfect people in the world, but they are normal. They are sometimes petty, shallow, and selfish. They can’t all sing with the loveliest voice or always fight with deadly accuracy, nor are they loved by all the people they meet, or even most of them. They are, in short, extremely likeable. As for the other characters: the canon ones are IC all or most of the time, any other OCs aren’t Mary-Sues or Gary-Stus, and all the characters have depth — even the ones you’re not supposed to like. There aren’t any “empty” characters or “foil” characters, which are used to make the main character look good by comparison. Overall, the characters make you care about them.

3 — The characters are mostly well-rounded, though perhaps a bit too perfect. While they harbor some minor/major Sue traits, they’re still likeable enough that you’re hoping they get a happy ending (or at least, don’t want to stab them with a large toothpick). They probably just need a few more flaws to be believable. Canon characters might have some OOC moments, but their actions are mostly plausible, and you feel like the author did justice to the original creator. Surrounding characters could use a bit more depth, but it’s still very good.

2 — The characters are Mary Sues. Whether they’re bearable or not, there is not way past the fact that these characters are far too perfect for them to be likeable by any means. They desperately need some flaws, and to take the Mary Sue Litmus Test. There’s hope for them, but it will take a firm editor and a lot of hard work to make them good characters. It might take some squinting to make sure that the canon characters are, in fact, the canon characters, but with some effort it can be done, and they are even in-character for certain stretches of time! Any characters besides the Mary Sue, however, are only used to make Ms. Mary Sue seem more perfect, either by being evil enough to make Mary Sue look wondrous by comparison, or by worshipping the sacred ground (s)he walks on, no matter what.

1 — Not only is the character a Mary Sue, not only is (s)he irredeemable by any means, but (s)he is so annoying that you long for death — either the character’s death or your own, whatever’s easier. (S)he is the sexiest, smartest, most powerful, most terrific thing in the history of history and everyone adores him/her — unless, of course, they hate him/her guts, in which case they are evil monsters who lack understanding for the poor Sue. Canon characters are recognizable by name and gender only (and often not even by that!), and are basically the Mary Sue under a canon’s guise. The author doesn’t only need to take the MS Litmus test, (s)he needs to be beaten over the head with it and forced to read JK Rowling, Jane Austen and Libba Bray until (s)he can write good characters. Unfortunately, it may be best for this person to stop writing for publication; however, if they really want to, they need a military-minded beta who won’t take any crap, and will do whatever is necessary to make the character likeable.

Plot:

4 — It’s easily detectable and interesting. The author clearly knows how to write, because each chapter ending/opening is just right to draw you in and make you want more. The plot doesn’t crawl by, nor does it move at such a clip that you’re left wondering what the hell happened. The idea is original and unpredictable; there are only a few times where you can (correctly) guess where the story is going. And if it has been done before, it’s never been done this well, and the other stories pale in comparison. Pacing, foreshadowing, content. . . . The entire arsenal of good writing is here, and the author uses them artfully to create something enchanting.

3 — There’s a fairly interesting plot that, if it isn’t original, it’s enjoyable. It’s probably been done before, and maybe a few have done better, but this is in the top three of its plotline. There are times where the plot is far too fast or too slow, but you are willing to bear with that because the rest of the story and/or characters are good. There are quite a few moments of predictability, but there are some concealed twists as well.

2 — The plot has been done before, and done better. Chapters begin/end awkwardly, and the pacing is all wrong. Why are some moments dragged out to the point of nausea, when others are skimmed over or zoomed through, just when it was getting intriguing? In its defense, however, the story is a fun romp through a familiar idea, and while you probably wouldn’t read it again (or maybe not even finish it), you don’t regret the time you spent on it.

1 — Plot? What plot? Oh, you mean, that tiny little moment of excitement? Yeah, it was cool while it lasted, but it disappeared pretty quickly. . . . The plot is either so overdone that it’s detestable for merely that reason (examples: Hermione Granger is Head Girl, Draco Malfoy is Head boy, they have to share a dorm room and they fall in love and have romantic times; A strange girl finds a hole in the space-time continuum/finds a magic trinket/ gets sucked into her book or movie and ends up in Middle Earth/Harry Potter/Fullmetal Alchemist, falls in love with desirable character, and takes over the original plot). There are no surprises whatsoever beyond the continuous surprise that someone thought this was good enough to put on the internet. The entire “plot” is a million pages of fluff. There may be a bit of conflict, but it is resolved quickly and unsatisfyingly. Or perhaps there is no real plot, merely the plot of the fandom plus a Mary Sue or some other ridiculous character.

Overall:

12-11: Wow. This author is fantastic, and nearly everything about his/her writing is wonderful. Perhaps (s)he could work on a few things, but there is very little wrong with his/her writing. On fanfiction.net, this author is a god(dess) among mortals. To earn this rating, the author has to be pretty damn good — to the point where the reader’s tongue is probably hanging out of his/her mouth in astonishment and joy. Whoa!

10-8: This is a pretty good author, and while (s)he has some errors, they’re pretty minimal and don’t really detract from the story too much. The author most definitely should not feel bad — (s)he is a good head-and-shoulders above many. However, (s)he is not perfect, and there are some things that ought to be fixed. With effort, this author could become one of the superwriters.

7-5: This author needs some work. (S)he’s probably already received some constructive criticism, and (s)he should listen carefully to it. There are several things wrong with his/her writing, but (s)he is by no means irredeemable. It just depends on how much work (s)he is willing to put into his/her writing, and how much help (s)he is willing to receive. Remember (and this is for all authors): Never be afraid to ask for help! None of us are perfect, and we all need some helping hands. Look to your reviewer, and to some of those superwriters, for some assistance.

4-3: Ouch. This author either needs one hell of a makeover, or (s)he needs to stop writing. It’s a difficult choice to make, but some people aren’t authors, and maybe this one ought to keep his/her stories to him/herself if (s)he doesn’t want to strive to improve.

Suggestions:

When reviewing, always leave suggestions, and any other comments you can think of! My list isn’t everything that can be right/wrong in a story, and you should always throw in your two cents! (On another note: If you can think of anything I ought to add, please let me know).

Beta:

Yes or no? Does this person need some help from another writer? Pretty self-explanatory, though some advice for those thinking about selecting beta readers: always read both the beta’s profiles (yes, even the normal one — what someone puts on their profile is very indicative of what kind of writer they are) and his/her stories. If you don’t like his/her writing style or appreciate his/her priorities, then it’s highly unlikely that you will mesh well. Also, look at several betas. Don’t just choose the first one you find. I recommend actually using two or three betas to get a more well-rounded critique.

Anti-Twilight: Because feminism is a nifty concept!

Just so you know.

Avatar: It's true.

Disclaimer: -in a John-Turturro-as-John-Shooter accent- It's mine. Weren't ever anybody else's. . . . . Okay, fine. I don't own anything except my stupid plots and crappy OCs! Way to rub it in my face that all the cool stuff belongs to someone else.

Stories: You see those little things at the bottom of the page, with the blue letters and stuff? Yep, that's the writing I'm putting out there for the world. Lucky you, world. So . . . here's a brief description for each of them (in chronological order, approximately). I might be a bit harsher on them than I should be, but I try to give people (like YOU!) fair warning on the bad qualities of my writing. The good qualities, for the most part, I'll let you find for youself.

Genesis (February 2006 - November 2006):

Ah, my very first fic. Living proof that very first fics are, more often than not, absolutely terrible. This is crawling with Mary Sues and idiotic plot devices, and is really just . . . not good. However, I keep it up here because I like to look it over and realize how far I've come (which I hope is pretty far), and because it's the prequel to my arguably better Zelda stories. . . . which haven't actually all been written yet. Anyway, this story is okay if you don't really like quality writing. I mean, parts of it I'm very proud of (there's a section with pirates that makes me laugh every time -- because it's intentionally funny), but it's riddled with amateurish mistakes, and whatever anonymus person reviewed it and said, "n00b," they couldn't have been more right. Still, as far as first attempts go, this one isn't horrible.

The Worst Ever Spy Movie (June 2006):

All right, though this one was written around the same time as Genesis, I actually enjoy it quite a bit. The writing quality is about the same as my previous story, and the fourth wall has been broken so many times that it's practically nonexistant, but it's a comedy, which is a bit more lenient, I've noticed, and thus some of the more cringe-worthy phrases are excusable. Overall, this is an fun read, and happens to be one of my favorites (though in no way the best). The humor is obvious but funny, so I consider it a success.

Insanity (February 2007):

It's odd. It's nonsenical. It's pretty damn amusing. Another one of those Genesis-era fics, with no real plot or rationale to speak of, it's a silly little piece of crack for those of you who like that sort of thing. I'll admit that I liked writing Yuki as a psycho, though. This is weird . . . I may have been high while writing this. High on caffeine . . .

A Song of Paris (November 2007):

A poem I wrote whilst being utterly obsessed with the Hunchback of Notre Dame. It's about gypsies and Gadje (which I think I spelled wrong in the summary and don't care enough to fix). It's just a poem, and as far as poetry goes, I think it's all right. Nice use of imagery and description.

Yuki and Kakeru's Cooking Adventure! (December 2007):

My last -- so far -- humorous little story, though of supremely better quality than anything else written at this point (by which I mean December 2007). Though with hints of awkward wording and adjective bloat, it's cute, it's funny, and I love it. Yuki and Kakeru are extraordinarily fun to write, and overall I'm happy with everyone in this story's characterization (with the possible exception of Machi, who may be a bit too friendly). This is possibly one of my better stories.

The Dark Triforce (December 2006 - Present):

This was started before I'd even wrote Genesis (ie, back when I still sucked), and published immediately after Genesis's end. So . . . the beginning definitely leaves a lot to be desired. A whole lot. However, as I began to suck less and grow to be the writer I am now (and I consider myself pretty good, or at least decent), the story's improved greatly. The time between updates for this one is obscenely long, because I have to fill twelve pages before posting because I'm an idiot and decided that was how long to make the chapter length, but it's still being worked on, and WILL be finished. But the later chapters are much better than the first several. So far the Prologue has been rewritten, but it'll be slow going, since my chapters are so damn long.

Horton Hears a Who!: Moments of You (April 2008 - Present):

YES! I actually have a 100-percent-or-pretty-damn-close-to-that GOOD fanfic! Hallelujah! This is by far my favorite story (excluding The Dark Triforce for nostalgia's sake (and that the later chapters are, as I said, not bad)). It's about Mayor Ned McDodd and his childhood friend (and future wife) Sally O'Malley, and thier budding relationship. Filled with cuteness, fluff, and humor to the brim in a slightly unusual style -- it's much more childish than anything else I've written. And I'm pretty sure . . . NO MARY SUES! WHOO! That calls for a happy dance.

Dear Marni, I Am So Sorry . . . (April 2009):

I like this one. It's nine pages, and it took me three months. How sad is that? However, it's very good, in my opinion, and worth checking out. I'm too tired to say anything else about it, so go read the damn thing for yourself.

Captain Cynic to the Rescue! (Bolded Comments are mine)

AKA "Why Some People Shouldn't Be Allowed On the Internet"

Yeah, yeah, you might say I'm overreacting and ruining other people's fun. Well, screw it. I'm having fun, and if I can make myself laugh, then that's all that matters. If I make you laugh, too, then nifty. If not, then you have no soul.

"Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Boy: No.
Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: No.
Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No.
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No.
Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No.
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No.
Girl: Choose--me or your life.
Boy: My life.
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...
The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

If you find this incredibly cute and touching, copy and paste it into your profile."

. . . What is this? I mean, what the hell is this? First off, what a needy little bitch. Sure, it's nice to know someone loves you, but once you start hearing a few "No"'s, I think it's time to hang your hat and give this boy up for a lost cause. And "Choose -- me or your life"? Talk about irrational! What if he says "you" just to get into your pants? Are you going to push him off a cliff if he breaks up with you? (Ooh, don't answer that, Twilight fans). And I would definitely give the boy a black eye for putting me on like that. There is absolutely nothing sweet about this. I say clap the boy in irons and the girl in a straightjacket -- there's something incredibly stupid afoot.

"I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cell phone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year. I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain. BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment), who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more, who loves and is obsessed with Twilight, who can express herself better with words than actions, who doesn't need a guy to complete her, and knows the importance of the little things. Copy and paste this onto your account, and add your name to the list, if you are anything like me, so the girls who are different and unique can know in their weakest time that they are unique but not alone."

No! But there were a whole lot of names on this thing! Honestly, can anyone make up anything, and as long as it's sappy enough and about being unique, people will love it? Fine, let me try:

I am the girl that conforms to non-conforming without realizing how dumb that is. I am the girl that sticks straws up her lips to imitate a walrus. I am the girl that doesn't seem to understand that saying "I am the girl" cuts out a large portion of the ff.net community that might believe that they are, in fact "the guy" that does all these lame and stupid things. I am the girl that is under the impression that if you are willing to go to dances or games, you are incapable of realizing the beautiful things in life. I am the girl that thinks that not having any personality is romantic (coughEdwardCullencough). I am the girl that cries tears of blood because no one accepts me. I am the girl who is proud to be different, even if it means I have to be alone and contradict what I said in the last sentence. I am the girl who shuns friendship so that I can continue my beautiful, lonesome silence while scoffing the world for not loving me. I AM A BIG FAT HYPOCRITE, in other words, and too dumb to realize it. Copy and paste this if you think I used the word "realize" too much in this paragraph. I understand . . . I really do.

Charming, wasn't it? Didn't it make you sit back and think about your well-adjusted, healthy life and how it should be turned into a pit of misery and woe? I hope it did . . . I really do.

"If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile"

"If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile"

"If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile."

"Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. f you are weird and proud or it, copy this into your profile!"

"If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile."

"If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile."

"If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile."

"If you like smiley faces, then copy this into your profile =D"

"If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile."

"If you have ever been hit in the face with a ball and started laughing maniacally, copy and paste this into your profile."

"If you have ever tripped down the stairs copy this into your profile."

"If you ever freaked people at your school and still do, copy this on to your profile."

No, I can't make the underlines go away. If I could have, I would have, all right? I think it's part of the plot; make this an eyesore as well as a brainsore, so that people will be so dazzled by its pain that they will have no choice but to copy and paste it onto their profile! Brilliant!

Anyway, these are really stupid. Like check this out:

"If you can raed tihs, cpoy tihs itno yuor polrfie, and sea if ohtres can raed it."

If you can't read that, what on earth are you doing on ff.net? Half the fics out there are like that! It should say, "If you can raed tihs, cnogartluatoins -- you hvae the inetlelgnece of amlsot evreynoe esle hree. Go baet yuorslef wtih a hamemr now." And MAN, that was hard to type! It must take a whole lot of effort for the people who write fanfiction like that! Pages of that! Think of the willpower!

"If you complain that your feet are cold and your mom tells you to put socks on and you don't just for the sake of being stubborn, copy and paste this to your profile."

What . . . WHAT?! Who comes up with these? That's not even relatable! That's like saying, "If you woke up at exactly three minutes before 7:00 a.m., went pee (but not poop), and ate bananas and Cheerios for breakfast on Tuesday, March 31st, 2009, copy and paste this onto your profile." These are so damn specific!

You know what else annoys me?

"If you're a part of the low percentage of teens that isn't preppy, copy and paste this in your profile."

"If you don't watch Laguna Beach or the O.C. or The Hills religiously, never have, never will, and are proud or it, copy and paste this into your profile."

"If you have a very wide range of interests, copy and paste this into your profile."

"If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile."

And these are the exact same people who say that we shouldn't be judgmental. Because OBVIOUSLY watching "Laguna Beach," "The O.C.," and/or "The Hills" makes you some sort of cookie-cutter machine prep with no sense of originality. But if you're one of the millions of people who drool over Edward Cullen, you're unique.

Is anyone else sensing a discrepancy here?

The fact is that if you're going to assume that someone's preppy just because of what they watch on T.V., you're MUCH worse than the preppy people you shun! And what did preppy people DO to you, anyway? Did they mug your mom (and if preppy people DID mug your mother, I give you my personal apology and a cookie. Also, if you have, make it into a slogan and paste it on your profile with an invitation for others to do the same).

And there just aren't that many preppy people out there. I know -- I go to school. And the ratio of preppy people to non-preppy-people is like 1:3,000,000. And the ratio of preppy people to super-special-butterfly-unique-snowflake-emo/goth/what have you people is somewhere around 1:2,999,999. So really the slogan should be, "If you're just one of those average joes who thinks the entire preppy/emo/goth thing is funny as hell, copy and paste this onto your profile."

Oh, and THIRDLY, "wide range of interests" obviously means "anything emo/gothic/weird but not preppy," because only LOSERS are preppy, right guys?

"If you think that only losers hate/don't get Twilight, copy this into your profile."

Hear that? That's the sound of my head exploding. Now, if you listen very carefully, you may hear me mass-murder a bunch of people.

"If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile."

As a matter of fact . . .

"If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile."

Damn. I can't put this on my profile. Because I'm dead. Go fig. Seriously, the stupidity of some people. Just wait until we get to the sappy don't-do-drugs or suicide poems. The gorge will rise, people. The gorge will rise.

Well, luckily for you, I have yet to find any sappy poems. Unluckily for you, I found something worse. But first, another copy-paste thing:

"98 of the internet population has a MySpace. If you're part of the 2 that can resist stupid fads, copy and paste this into your profile."

Hate to pick on Twilight again (what am I saying? No I'm not!), but isn't THAT a stupid fad, too? OH WAIT GAIZ, it's deep. I totally forgot how deep it was. It can't be a fad if it's so deep. But MySpace, that's run by Satan. Stupid Satan-run fads!

It sounds so proud, too. "I don't conform to ways of communicating with other people. If I did, I'd have to have a social life and not be a special butterfly of pain. Shun MySpace for its connecting-with-people-ness!"

No, I don't have a MySpace. What about it?

Right, one more. Sorry -- they're just so easy to find and mock.

"If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this onto your profile."

I love how it specifies mentally insane . . . as opposed to some other type of insane that has nothing to do with your head. Kidney-related insanity, perhaps? I hear that's a real bitch.

Have some more pain, people! I took the liberty of bolding the ones that apply to me. Try to spot them all!

"For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are.)
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz.
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...
I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut."

Well, I am a bitch. Other than that, none of this really touched my heart in a wanting-to-bold-it kind of way. I mean, yes I'm Christian, and yes I'm relatively thin, but why do I want you to know this? What right do you have to want to know via bolding what my core beliefs are or what I look like? Why do you care if I wear short skirts?

The answer: No one really does. Does anyone actually read these, anyway? When I see a profile with this on it, I tend to roll my eyes and go find another author who's less susceptible to stupid fads (like MySpace, omg. It's run by Satan!).

Also, some of the stereotypes . . . don't actually exist. Like who's honestly going around assuming all dancers are stupid whores? I assume all dancers are relatively bendy and have strangely-shaped feet from standing on their toes all day . . . but why would they be whores? And the whole lesbian-sex-tape thing? laughs Okay, I'm no lesbian, but what makes people assume they have more sex tapes than other people -- besides the fact that boys WANT them to have more sex tapes (ah, boys)? I've never heard that before in my entire life.

"I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store."

(snickers) This is one of those stupid ones I was talking about. Indian "convenient stores"? Those have nothing to do with "convenience stores," I'm assuming. Ooh, here's another one:

"I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat."

(snerk) This is fun. Let's play "spot the stupid hyperboles supporting nonexistent stereotypes"!

"I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!"

"I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT."

"I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas."'

Okay, try to pretend the last one didn't make you laugh. And in fact, a lot of these are arguable. I mean, who doesn't like llamas?

"I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut."

Now, I actually like this one. Well, it's stupid to get pregnant as a teen, but it's damn responsible to actually keep the baby when it'd be easier to abort. But that's the only one I like, I swear!

"I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a 'big one'."

(strokes chin) Iiinteresting . . . And to Italy we go!

"I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention."
"I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention."

No, that's obviously a desperate plea for no one to ever look at you. It's used by ninjas and undercover agents, actually. And why are they acting like it's wrong to want attention? And hair-dying's better than stripping in public or something.

"I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction."

If being constantly stoned and flunking classes isn't the wrong direction, mind telling me what is?

This is getting a little sensitive -- even for me, The Girl Without Feelings (I'm a bitch, so I MUST not care about anyone else) -- so I'm going to move on. And one thing I've noticed as well is that some of these stereotypes are kind of . . . complimentary.

"I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party." Yeah, having fun SUCKS EGGS! You heard it here first: We have to put an end to all this fun immediately!

"I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone."

"I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse."

"I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep."

"I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroos."

Okay . . . some of those aren't the raging insults they're meant to be. I mean, if I went up to a Gay Rights supporter and said, "You fit in with everyone!" I don't think they're going to be upset. "You like sheep!" isn't exactly going to bring anyone to tears, either. And as for the Italian one . . . I don't see how anyone could be upset by that one (unless they're a girl).

I get it, it's a nice message, blah blah blah . . . but it's just such an idiotic and preachy way to get the message across, and it makes you look like an uncultured idiot. Especially when you do this:

"I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat. (Which I don't.)"

"I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic. (I'm not anorexic.)"

"I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser. (My personality is different. You got a problem with that? Say it to my fist... or high heal!! lol)"

WHAT IS THE POINT OF ADDING MISSPELLED COMMENTS TO YOUR . . . WHATEVER THE HELL THIS IS?! Obviously you disagree with it -- that's why you bolded it! Why would add comments saying you disagree with it?! That's like going (notice how I like-a de examples?):

"I'm from the South, so my name MUST be Darla." (My name's not Darla.)"

NO SHIT IT'S NOT DARLA! If it was, you wouldn't have bolded it! Or even better:

"I'm pale, so I MUST be vampire. (I'm not really a vampire, even tho I want to be lol)"

Yeah, we assumed that you weren't a vampire because they don't actually exist. Unless you're a vampire bat, which would have been impressive, considering you're using a keyboard and all. It's hard to manipulate those keys with bat feet.

I've officially given up on the poem hunt. I mean, the sappy poems are all stupid, but they're talking about things like beating children to death and car accidents and all this depressing crap I can't make fun of without seeming like Queen Bitch of Assholetopia. So here's something even worse: Taylor Swift!

And what horrors from the mind of this stupid, nasty little thing do I have for you? A delightful little song called "You Belong With Me". The music video, if you'd like to hear this monster, will be provided in a hyperlink of fun. But don't worry -- if your eardrums can't handle that much suck, I'll be picking apart the lyrics and explaining exactly WHY I hate this song and the ideas it expresses.

First off, I'm not saying Taylor Swift's the Antichrist. I'm saying that (and I'm generalizing, here) I think she encapsulates half of what's wrong with the teenage girl's mindset these days (Twilight encapsulating the other half), but as a person I don't hate her. As an artist, though . . . that's a whole other story. Not only is her voice sub-par and her lyrics beyond insipid ("You were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter"? Congratulations, Tay-tay, you managed to completely miss the point of not one, but TWO famous works of literature. I'd go into that, but if you don't get what's wrong with that line, it won't make sense no matter what I say), but she's just . . . shallow. But she THINKS she's deep, as do most of the people who love her.

And that's where my patience ends. But don't take MY word for it -- let's jump on in!

First off, the title. "You Belong With Me"? Listen, the fact is that he's either with you or not, and no dreamy-eyed moaning about how you're soulmates and he'll one day realize it will change that fact. He doesn't want you; grow up and move on like a well-adjusted, mentally stable person, instead of clinging like a psycho creep (starting to see how Twilight starts to fit in with this whole "teenage mindset" yet?).

You're on the phone
With your girlfriend
She's upset
She's going off about
Something that you said
'cause she doesn't get your humor
Like I do

All right, so this is the first chunk of the song, which says that girls are not allowed to get upset at the stupid things guys say. This is a prime example of how girls SHOULD act to get guys to fall in love with them. "Always laugh at their jokes, and never get upset with them. This will make you seem better in their eyes, which is all that matters anyway."

Can anyone else say YUCK?

But maybe I'm reading too into it. Maybe it's just that this girl's a drama queen. And maybe that's less fun, so screw you. I'll believe what I'd like to, thank you very much, and I think that this has unattractive undertones.

And if you're unable to buy the creepiness inherent here, then don't worry -- there's plenty more to piss you off! Tay-tay always delivers!

I'm in the room
It's a typical Tuesday night

Remember that steaming pile of bullshit that was the second thing I commented on? Scroll WAYYY up and find it. It starts with "I am the girl" and covers everything one needs to be unique and special? That's kind of what's going on here, in that someone who's outside having fun or hanging out with their friends is shallow and misses the depth of reading crappy romances (or, in many girl's cases, reading classic works of literature and mistaking them for crappy romances). The judgmental side of this song is starting to make itself apparent, and soon we'll find an example of another rule of thumb, along with plenty more judgment.

I'm listening to the kind of music
She doesn't like

You know, there's this interesting theory that says that guys don't have to like the same music as their girlfriends, and differing tastes shows that both have a personality. Being alike in every way isn't the wonderful, perfect thing everyone thinks it is. It's just boring. So there's some verisimilitude fail for you all. . . .

And have you noticed the "She doesn't like the kind of music I do, so she's not cool" vibe we have going on here? Yes, we should all be as non-judgmental as Taylor Swift. She's an inspiration to us all.

She'll never know your story
Like I do

ESP isn't really that common a trait anymore, darling. If he took the time to explain it to her in a way she'd understand instead of expecting her to immediately, we wouldn't be having this problem. It's called having a relationship, and it's hard, but it's good for you.

But she wears short skirts
I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain
And I'm on the bleachers

And here we've hit the core of why this song makes me throw up in my mouth every time I hear it. This idea that short skirts and cheerleading equal shallowness, pettiness, and stupidity drives me INSANE. Sure, there are plenty of girls like that out there; that's how the stereotype formed. However, there are TONS of sweet girls who are cheerleaders, and twice as many who wear short skirts. Having pride in one's appearance isn't a sign of being shallow, it's a sign of being comfortable with who you are, both inside and out. Obviously what's on the inside matters more, but that doesn't mean that caring about how you look likens you to a she-devil! And all you "unique" people out there, try HONESTLY telling me that none of you even bother looking in the mirror or try to look good, because you're ABOVE it. And you don't care about what you buy -- you just buy the cheapest, ugliest things you can find to show how deep you are.

Yeah. I didn't think so, either.

So this is a classic rule used and encouraged in all teenage girls: "Accept and reject stereotypes on the basis of whether they make me look good." It's WRONG to judge someone by their "emoness" or "gothness" or "loserness," but it's totally fine to judge someone based on the fact that they cheerlead and wear short skirts.

Those double standards don't look good on you. Stop being hypocrites and accept that people are people, and everyone's a person with actual thoughts and feelings.

I honestly think that most girls out there assume that everyone who isn't their inamorata or in their circle of friends is a cardboard cutout, nothing more than what they look like on the outside. The fact is that that isn't true, and it's disgusting how people think it is, and how pop culture crap like this only support that theory, which is flawed at best and bullshit at worst.

Dreaming about the day
When you wake up and find
That what you're looking for
Has been here the whole time

Well, I've hit the most important thing on my agenda with this song, but I might as well touch on a few other points while I'm here.

There's another theory bouncing around, less unfair and cruel than the previous one but more dangerous, and that is that the one person you fall in love with is The One, who you will wed and have lots of babies with forever and ever and ever. And this leads to unhealthy obsession, and the idea that you will spend the rest of your life waiting for that one guy who won't give you the time of day to suddenly realize that Twu Wuv is afoot and ride you into the sunset.

IT'S NOT TRUE. Relationships are tricky (that's why I tend to eschew them), and they're never perfect. This idea of Twu Wuv is ridiculous and could cause a lot of girls to pass up on the guys of their dreams, just because they won't take a look around at reality. Zac Efron isn't going to come up to your locker with a basketball in one hand and a songbook in the other -- mostly because I'm pretty sure everyone in HSM was gay, but also because it's just unrealistic.

And you've got a smile
That could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in awhile
Since she brought you down
You say you're fine
I know you better than that
Hey what you doing
With a girl like that

Hey, if he says he's happy, then he's happy. If he wasn't, then he'd tell you, especially if you're as close as you say. Delusional . . .

So, yeah. The rest of this song is just more of the same, and it's pretty damn stupid. Listen to Taylor Swift if you must, but try not to be poisoned by these lyrics. Think of it this way: They're stupider than Miley Cyrus's and the Jonas Brothers's. That's a bad sign.