About Me:

I am a young, cute nurse who is blonde and rich, and have a size C - er, wait, what do you mean this isn't a personals ad?

Okay, okay!

Let’s try this all over again.

I am a nice person who usually looks at the world in a bewildered and befuddled manner. I am directionally-challenged, I ordinarily have the patience (but possibly not the humility) of a saint, and am quite scatterbrained. I have ADHD, which basically amounts to walking three to four hours a day, bouncing from projects every five to ten minutes, a profound hate for anything cold (except ice cream), and being calmed by caffeine. I love my hyperactivity, folks, although the attention span of a gnat can be a bit bothersome.

I, along with one million other people, live in the beautiful state of Montana. I...kinda dislike most of you people in Montana.

About my writing:

I am here at ff.net because, like most other shallow people, I like to shamelessly wallow in praise. Wait, did I just write that?

Writing-wise in original fiction, I do fantasy. Anything else is barely considered, although there has been a historical fiction I have outlined, and there are two sci-fi works, one completed and one in progress. I have many on-going projects that I’ve been working on for many years. Eventually, I’ll even sit still long enough to finish them.

Writing-wise in fanfiction, I specialize in humor and Harry Potter, both of which usually go hand-in-hand. I adore crossovers, love crack!fics, and am happy as a pig rolling in mud if I find crack!crossovers. Except when such stories are really actually badly-mangled excuses of the English language. Such work ought to earn the author the removal of his/her Artistic License. (I told those people to stop putting them into cracker-jack boxes!)

Pet peeves:
- I don't particularly write slash or yaoi, much less romance in general. However, should I find a good story with excellent dynamics and story structure that contains slash or romance, I will read it. It’s the character dynamics and the interactions with their environment that make or break romance for me. The times I have tried writing yaoi/slash, my women have had no problem staying lesbians, but my men insist on being bisexual with a stronger leaning towards women than men. Don't ask me how this is; I guess I just appreciate women more, and everyone should have a good woman in their lives. (I'm asexual, if anyone is curious. You... probably weren't.)

- I admit I'm often annoyed with bad slash/yaoi because the female characters often suffer. Their characterization is usually shoved under a rock, or they’re demonized, or they’re not given due and proper credit, or are mistreated in other ways as only bad writing can make painful reading. Reviewing or PMing me to ask for a male/male relationship in my stories is fine; doing so in addition to comments of how you cannot stand the idea of the gals being romantically involved is an excellent way to piss me off.

-Poor spelling, abused punctuation, mangled characterization, and abandoned grammar. Please do not inflict such atrocities on the lovely English language! Also, do not say that the English language is incredibly limited, so you can justify your use of mangled Japanese. There are sixteen thousand English words alone in the dictionary that describes human emotions. (No, I didn't sit down and count all of them.) If you find English limiting, it is because you have no idea how to make the language dance for you. Just, you know, don't get addicted to the thesaurus. I readily forgive typos because we're all human and prone to making mistakes.

- Mary Sues. Using canon characters as personal avatars of poorly-disguised wish fulfillment (you know who you are!). Stories where every character is homosexual. Because, you know, heterosexuality is a rare and ugly thing, and so is bisexuality, platonic relationships, and asexuality.

- Cardboard cutouts in place of actual characterization. People are about their experiences, memories, quirks, likes and dislikes, curiosities, personalities, characteristics, environment, genetics, background, family histories, and so much more.

-Very sloppy summaries. Take note, everyone: your summary should include at least three of WHO, WHAT, WHY, WHEN, and WHERE, to the best of your 250 character limit. Please, for the love of all writing muses, check your summary for misspellings, incorrect punctuation, and eye-bleeding grammar.

-Newest pet peeve. If the writer insists on writing about a physical/mental injury and does some detailing on the medical therapy or cure or whathaveyou, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL TOOTHFAIRIES EVERYWHERE, please do not just pull something out of your ass and try to pass it off as possible! You do not cover and protect third and fourth degree burns with plaster, and you sure as hell don't make someone with a broken back who's lucky to walk take up ballet so soon after their injury. I may only know most of my stuff because of 10+ years in the nursing field, but it's not that hard to Google. Hell; just send me a PM with some questions and I can probably dig up the answers in no time.

Status and info of archived stories (in order of publishment):

HARRY POTTER

A Gutter Rat’s Story
This story is rated M for very dark themes and adult subject material. There's violence, mentions of child physical/sexual abuse and insinuations of worse. This is a psychologically dark story with a Machiavellian-isque Voldemort, who walks a fine line between creation and destruction, and a broken family struggling to preserve what's left of itself. Because of the emotional intensity, this story may or may not be appropriate for younger audiences' reading.

Pandora's Box
Sequel to AGRT.
This began as a lighthearted story and managed to maintain that sort of atmosphere for several chapters. It was supposed to poke fun at the then-common HP fandom's clichés (mostly slash) and then it kinda... mutated. Holy cow! The story's complexity exploded far beyond my original intent. What was supposed to be a journey of self-discovery and subsequent rescues turned into a massive adventure to save the Universe. The next thing I knew metaphysics and philosophy began to take over. If you can read this through to the very end, then you're more steadfast than most. I looked it over a few years after I had finished writing it, and I still can't figure out what I was smoking when I wrote it.

That Which James Witnessed
Accompanying side story to AGRT
This is far more intense and graphic than AGRT. It mirrors AGRT from James' point of view, but it explains what, precisely and in great detail, Voldemort did to James. Believe me, it was ugly. If nothing else does, this story alone would justify the M rating of its parent. There is graphic violence: blood and guts and I do mean guts, and what could possibly considered torture. And cannibalism. (My roommate wanted me to warn people about this; how was I supposed to know she was eating a medium-rare hamburger while reading that scene?)

Fire Demon
This could sort of be considered a companion piece of Pandora's Box, simply because one would get the background of some of the characters who show up in PB. The chapters tend to be long and have many dysfunctional original characters, most of whom have dirty minds and/or a very noticeable lack of ethics. It starts out slowly because I’m trying to explore the effects of Nature vrs. Nurture here, which has long been an argument with psychologists and anthropologists everywhere. Please don’t tell me the story is slow and that you want to read Harry Potter at age eleven, because you aren’t going to get Harry Potter at age eleven without an exploration of how his environmental and nurturing impacts his personality and growth as a person. I hate it when stories make such a jump and the characters feel completely out-of-character, because I never got to witness the character growth for myself.
For all of that depth and exploration, this is also very tongue-in-cheek story meant to induce laughter. It is not my priority in writing. Chapters are added slowly, although almost always longer than five thousand words. I write this story on the side when and where I feel like it or have the inspiration. Don’t be surprised if two, three months pass without an update. (Or a year... Or two years…)

Normal to be a freak

Short oneshot. This idea popped fully-formed into my mind one morning while brushing my teeth, and was written in less than an hour. Just presenting to the world (and Dudley) that being different doesn't equate being a freak, because all of us have that little bit of difference that makes us a unique human being in our own rights. It's a story of forgiveness and acceptance of Dudley and Harry - because this actually helps Harry himself finish healing from all the hurt and the pain that the Dursleys caused him growing up. Slight warning for homophobia, but I feel its occurrence was very tasteful, if such a thing could ever be considered. (And after writing this, I don't know where people can honestly think they can get away with calling me homophobic.)

Do virgins taste better?
Another oneshot. As we know, history is written by the winners. We also know that Salazar Slytherin left Hogwarts on unhappy terms due to disagreement with Godric Gryffindor. Or did he? Maybe Godric and the others spread the story that he did so because the truth was too embarrassing to admit...

Draco dormiens nunquam titillandus
My one and only drabble, in which Daphne Greengrass, Theodore Nott, and Blaise Zabini make their first starring appearance. (They would later be instrumental in habitually finding trouble and poking it with a big stick in Water Aerobics.)

Water Aerobics for the Aquaphobic
"Hey, wouldn't it be great if Draco Malfoy fell into the Spring of the Drowned Ferret?" I asked my roommate. "Awesome! And Harry can fall into the Spring of the Drowned Emu." "Wait. Did you say Emo or Emu?" "That's... that's brilliant!" And, so, thanks to mishearing my roommate, another crack!fic was born. I wanted Voldemort to fall into the scariest spring possible, but my roommate refused to let me create the Spring of the Drowned Insurance Salesman that would turn Voldemort into the Aflac duck. =( This story features very little by way of the Ranma 1/2 characters (there is, of course, the Jusenkyo guide, but I've almost convinced myself that there's a Spring of the Drowned Jusenkyo Guide somewhere), but lots in the way of the HP characters. I'm doing a lot with minor characters, and there's so much fun to be had with Narcissa Malfoy! Of course, this story is no way supposed to be taken seriously. (And, to be perfectly honest, where else are you going to find a benevolent Buddhist monk named Lucius Malfoy?)

Ad Nauseam
I regularly poke fun at fandom cliches and even the more "common" story ideas taking place. I revisited the theme of Harry back in time and desperately trying to relive his life to fix all of his mistakes, and I couldn't help but wonder why it's always Ron/Hermione/Luna/Ginny who go back in time with Harry when he's technically attached to Voldemort. So, what we wound up here are two enemies who go through so much together (again, and again, and again...) that they'd be incredibly lost without each other. I seriously never thought that this story would be as popular as it is.

Seven Times Never the Fool
Evil gossipmongers, people are! When you're beautiful and rich, the petty backstabbing bitches and bastards are going to say anything to make you look bad. There is no mention anywhere in canon or interviews if Madam Zabini was a Slytherin, and yet fanon automatically assume that she is simply because of how she acquired her wealth - through the death of seven husbands. It's also never been outright said that Madam Zabini murdered her husbands, so I'm just going off the assumption that she's just unlucky in life and love. She also may or may not be the professional dominatrix she is in Water Aerobics.

Brimming
A good writer can do anything plausible. Whether I did so with the epic!lovestory between the Sorting Hat and Augusta Longbottom's infamous dead-vulture-on-the-brim hat remains to be seen.

NARUTO

(WARNING WARNING! I happen to be a Sakura fangirl. While I have little patience for character bashing of any sorts, I am intolerant of Sakura-bashing in particular and such reviews will be deleted and the reviewer blocked.)

Switched
I have a weakness for stories where characters and their bodies get switched. I had an idea for Naruto, but with so many other tales to tell, I didn’t want to invest the needed time and energy to write. I changed my mind when I saw others unable to fulfill what I thought of as the idea’s potential. This story is mainly humor, and no complaints so far of the humor being inappropriate. I also sort-of write two very odd pairings, if you squint sideways and really wish for romance. I hope to start a craze with them. (Yes, I am very fond of Kabuto and it shows in the story. I know. Leave me alone.)

Of all that exists, only I
Plot bunnies swamped me when I read chapter 257. I tried to squash them, really I did, but two friends provoked me into writing. Consider yourself lucky; I usually don't write anything less than 30,000 words. This was originally an exercise also in writing 2nd person POV, but I had to reword it a little after ff.net banned You!fics. In the future, everyone, please note the difference between a badly disguised self-insert, and a valid POV.

Saving Grace
This is a Christmas fic for Demeter1, who wanted to see Kakashi/Sakura with a plot. I usually don't do romance, but I figured that I could probably pull something off between the two of them in about twenty thousand words. Hah, and pigs fly! Somehow, Kiba/Sakura became an fascinating part of the story. Then Sasuke and Naruto decided they just had to have important parts and invited everyone along for the ride. Plot, ever eager to please Characterization, willingly bent over and spread wide. Aside from being my first romance, this is also a valiant attempt at horror/mystery. Like AGRT, we’re dealing with dark themes here: drug abuse, murder, rape, hallucinations, and torture. And probably angst, although (wonder of wonders!) most of it has nothing to do with Sasuke. Although mentioned briefly, the torture is explicit, so read with due caution. (Still fond of Kabuto, and yes, it still shows. Am also becoming very fond of the Inuzukas, and that shows, too. Thus: the World's First Ever Kabuto/Inuzuka Tsume! I honestly don't know how this happened. It snuck up on me.)

NEW 4/28/10: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1614806/"Slinkymilinky gifted me with the most amazing fanart, Saving Grace, which depicts Sakura and Akamaru's flight from the cave.

Tango no Sekku
You have no idea how proud I am to have written a story with exactly 1000 words. :) A bittersweet look at how an orphaned Naruto manages to celebrate a family holiday without a family. Cameo appearances by the Inuzukas and Ichiraku Ramen. May also be considered a How-Naruto-Met-the-Ramen-Stand.

Naruto's Missing Village
It was a running joke in Saving Grace that Naruto had lost a village. The details were never given, but the story still demands to be told. Not only has Naruto lost his village in the most strangest of matters, but Ino and Neji have been abducted by aliens - there is a very good reason for this, really, and it does play a role in how Naruto loses his village, I promise! My sadistic side is currently hibernating, so the only warning I have is Elvis and clowns. Although I suppose the combination of those with ninjas might be considered painful by some.

A friend in need
A private moment between Kiba and Sakura - I'm almost positive that everyone who ever reads it winds up getting the wrong impression. And that was my intention.

The Fox and the Hound
A brief whatif!AU exploring the concept of baby Naruto being adopted by a loving family. Except that these are ninjas, so there was definetly some coercion and manipulation. Am still really fond of the Inuzukas.

OTHER

Ding dong, the witch is dead
The unholy lovechild between L. Frank Baum and C.S. Lewi: which witch is which?
Eventually, I want to drop the same house on Bellatrix LeStrange just so I can get Dorothy to say, "I knew I should have moved to Oregon! Hey, you, there. Yeah, you with the glasses and funny scar, come here, and help me put these red slippers on. Oooph! Damn arthritis..." (I'm secretly in love with littleoldlady!Dorothy and Dumbledore hooking up. I don't care if JK Rowling declared Dumbledore gay. He is still getting together with Dorothy.) And now that I have seen Prince Caspian, I wanted to drop the cottage on Muraz during his and Peter's duel, just to hear Peter say, "You again?" My roommate won't let me though. Woe. :(

Knee-deep
First-person Jean Havoc POV from Full Metal Alchemist regarding a training mission gone horribly wrong. That's not the story. The story is about why you should always be careful when opening your mouth and bossing the world around; you just never know who might be lurking beneath all that mud.

Left Turn at Albuquerque
(Title is an oblique reference to Bugs Bunny.) One of the world's very first Saiyuki/Naruto crossovers. I was minding my own business one day when I was suddenly swarmed by a vision of Hidan sitting upright after just being shot by Sanzo and saying, "That fucking hurt, seriously." After sharing the vision with friends, I was strong-armed into writing this story. Oh, but it's so much fun!

The Misadventures of the Sparkler!
Emo!Edward Cullen was dosed with Prozac and went on a superhero spree after glutting himself on Emmett's superhero comics. And you wonder why the Cullens had to head for Alaska for a while... (I never did finish reading the book. I watched the movie, so I gotta get some credit, all right?)

I am given to sporadically correcting mistakes in my stories, from grammar to plot to characterization, and then uploading the changes without telling anyone, so the stories never get removed for revision or anything like that. So, if you reread something much later and say, “Heeeey, I don’t remember that from last time!” then you’re probably right.

In reviewing, I do not to hassle people who take the time to tell me what they think, but if you won’t mind being a little more specific, such as what you find funny, I would be very grateful. If you find there is something wrong with the story, feel free to speak up. I find it frustrating to repeat a mistake continuously for a hundred thousand words before someone finally pokes me and says, "Um, not to be rude, but did you know that..." (Yes; this has happened. It's only thanks to Word's Find&Replace function that I was able to correct the misspelling of Peter Pettigrew's name without tearing my hair out by its roots.) I listen and I appreciate more than I can say in text. So have a smiley. :) Sometimes, it is quite difficult to respond in a timely manner, so I can only ask for patience.

Located off of ff.net

A Helping Hand
Shameless smut involving Sakura and Kiba, especially for those who enjoyed the UST between Kiba and Sakura in Saving Grace . Note that this is not the "what happened in the whorehouse between those two" fic (although I do plan on getting to that one), but something different. But, hey, at least Ochi got a passing mention!

WARNING! WARNING!

Habit is a known plagiarist who first stole A Helping Hand, changed some names and words, and then called it her own under the title of A Good Dog. She deleted it after much hullabaloo and pressure, but she will be monitered for any further reoccuring behavior. It's not so much that I'm a bitch but I simply don't trust this kid any further than I could throw her while disabled with a sprained pelvis. And that wouldn't be very far.