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Spoofmaster
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since: 03-26-02, id: 190073, Profile Updated: 07-08-09
country: USA
Author has written 19 stories for Mario, Inuyasha, Lexx, Sleepy Hollow, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Ranma, Lord of the Rings, Captain Planet, Pirates of the Caribbean, Phantom of the Opera, Doctor Who, Invader Zim, and Stargate: SG-1.

I have a LiveJournal account where I keep all the stories I'm not allowed to put up here called spoofmasterfics.

My regular LiveJournal account is here

Frotu and I have started a Cafepress shop, which contains links to our other Cafepress shops.

Hoom, hoom, what about me is relevant? Well, I'm a film student, and I'm planning to go into archiving and restoration after I graduate (and after I go to grad school). 'Nuff said.

"I have stood here for five weeks now. The bones of my feet have grown into the ground like roots, and provide me with nutrients. Sometimes worms crawl into my toes. Wanna see?"
-me, making fun of a dinosaur in a Star Fox Adventures because it never moved. At all.

"See that smoke? Doesn't exist. See those nice clouds in the background? We weren't so lucky on the day of the shoot. We just added them in. While we're at it, I added in the volcano, too. We filmed this in a parking lot."
-the director of Spy Kids 2, explaining how they did the scene where they're looking down into the volcano

"The following morning the weather was so foul it hardly deserved the name, and Dirk decided to call it Stanley instead."
-The Salmon of Doubt

"Yeah, but if picking up civilians is the punch button, what if you accidentally punch them? I mean, swoop, 'I'll save you!', and then, pow, right in the gut!"
-me, talking to a little kid about his Spiderman game

"I would do anything Tim wanted me to. You know - have sex with an aardvark... I would do it."
-Johnny Depp

"If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them."
- also Johnny Depp

"Well, I was supposed to hit this guy with a breakaway chair, and they gave me the chair, and said it was the breakaway chair, but I didn't check it. And it was a real chair. Well, the cameras started rolling, and I hit him with it. But it didn't break. So my brain goes, 'Hit him again, Jeff.' So I hit him again. And it broke. It's okay, he was a stuntman."
-Jeff the fight coordinator

'Malcolm sat in one of the padded chairs. The stewardess asked him if he wanted a drink. He said, "Diet Coke, shaken not stirred."
Humid Dallas air drifted through the open door. Ellie said, "Isn't it a little warm for black?"
"You're extremely pretty, Dr. Sattler," he said. "I could look at your legs all day."'
-Jurassic Park (the book. That quote just speaks to me)

Lennox: "Those nuggets are already ninety percent fat!"
Macbeth: "There's no law against fat! Besides, we have a salad menu."
Lennox: "The salads are even worse! We inject fat into the lettuce! Heck, it would be cheaper if we just served normal lettuce!"
Macbeth: "If God didn't want us to inject fat into the lettuce, he would have made lettuce taste better."
-the play "Old Macbeth Had a Farm", in which a modern-day version of Macbeth takes over a fast food company

Me: "Mort's a Morton."
Amber: "So?"
Me: "You'd think he'd at least have the decency to be a Mortimer or a Mordecai."
-talking about Secret Window

'"He'll be chocolate fudge!" shrieked Mrs. Gloop.
"Never!" cried Mr. Wonka.
"Of course he will!" shrieked Mrs. Gloop.
"I wouldn't allow it!" cried Mr. Wonka.
"And why not?" shrieked Mrs. Gloop.
"Because the taste would be terrible," said Mr. Wonka. "Just imagine it! Augustus-flavored chocolate-coated Gloop! No one would buy it."'
-Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

'"Make this awful thing stop!" ordered Mr. Teavee.
"Can't do that," said Mr. Wonka. "It won't stop till we get there. I only hope no one's using the /other/ elevator at this moment."
"What other elevator?" screamed Mrs. Teavee.
"The one that goes the opposite way on the same track as this one," said Mr. Wonka.
"Holy mackere!" cried Mr. Teavee. "You mean we might have a collision?"
"I've always been lucky so far," said Mr. Wonka.
-guess, just guess

MBC: Lock seems to like the island though so I don't blame him for just settling in. The island likes him too I think. In fact it seems to have picked him to lead the others to enlightenment and healing. It's still a very anti-social island of doom though.
Me: It's a maladjusted island. All the other islands made fun of it when it was little.
MBC: Yeah well that's because it's father was a peninsula and it's mother was Japan and she abused it physically.
-IMing about Lost

Frotu: I don't think he has dignity
Me: Ever?
Frotu: He's cool like that.
Me: He must have at some point.
Frotu: thinks mmmm... maybe... he didn't.
Me: Wait, you saw Dear Frankie. Was he dignified in that?
Frotu: He was born without dignity... yes. He was good and spiffy
Me: Aha. He had a dignity transplant.
Frotu: He has dignity injections. Like steroids.
Me: Yes yes, but most directors won't spring for it. It's expensive.
Frotu: It is. And not necessary all the time. Dignity can be overrated.
-a conversation about Gerard Butler's inherent lack of dignity

Dracula: what is this?
Harker: what the... how did you get here? i didn't see you!
Dracula: (picks up mirror) these things suck. (hucks it)
Harker: I-- aaw. (pout)
-Frotu's description of a scene from Dracula (the original novel)

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1. The Care and Keeping of Your Time Lord » reviews
Set after the events of The Sound of Drums and Last of the Time Lords. The Doctor finds a somewhat...unconventional...way to "keep" the Master onboard his TARDIS.
Doctor Who - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,483 - Reviews: 23 - Updated: 10-30-10 - Published: 12-13-09 - 10th Doctor & The Master
2. Let's Do the Time Loop Again reviews
A Doctor Who/Stargate SG-1 crossover, originally written for the 2008 dw-cross ficathon on LiveJournal. Jack and Teal'c thought they were the only people other than Malikai who were able to sense the time loop, but what if they were wrong?
Crossover - Doctor Who & Stargate: SG-1 - Rated: K+ - English - Sci-Fi/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,912 - Reviews: 43 - Published: 10-5-08 - 10th Doctor - Complete
3. The Scientific Method » reviews
Martha Jones discovers one of the Doctor's less sanitary habits.
Doctor Who - Rated: K - English - Humor/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,402 - Reviews: 46 - Updated: 12-23-07 - Published: 5-10-07 - 10th Doctor & Martha J. - Complete
4. The Many OOC Faces of a Certain Jack Sparrow » reviews
It's back! Ever get tired of seeing authors write Jack two dimensionally because they can't grasp more than one facet of his character? Then this story is for you! Watch Jack go wildly out of character for your amusement! Chapter 24: Infatuated!Jack
Pirates of the Caribbean - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 24 - Words: 24,762 - Reviews: 441 - Updated: 6-6-07 - Published: 10-29-04
5. The Time of His Life reviews
Everything dies. Even a Time Lord will eventually use up all his get out of jail free cards, but the Doctor isn't about to make it easy for Death to claim him. Thirteenth Doctor.
Doctor Who - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Supernatural - Chapters: 1 - Words: 917 - Reviews: 28 - Published: 4-13-07 - Complete
6. But What If? » reviews
A series of oneshots looking at the 2004 film and wondering: what if one or two things had just gone a little differently? A wide variety of events and topics will be covered without favoring one character over another.
Phantom of the Opera - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 4 - Words: 4,198 - Reviews: 15 - Updated: 2-18-07 - Published: 7-17-06 - Erik
7. Protectors of the Plot Continuum RC 213 reviews
Follow the adventures of Agents Gammut and Debris as they fight against badphic...as well as each other. Written with permission from the PPC.
Phantom of the Opera - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,452 - Reviews: 7 - Published: 6-12-06
8. LotU: The Two Towers wink wink nudge nudge » reviews
A Two Towers parody, sequel to Fellowship of the Bra. LotU stands for Lord of the Undergarments. Legolas is straight but dyslexic, Aragorn's filthy, and Frodo's a moron. Incomplete and no longer updating. Feel free to enjoy what's there, though.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 20,435 - Reviews: 72 - Updated: 7-26-05 - Published: 8-8-04 - Aragorn & Frodo B.
9. The Masquerade reviews
An essay based on an AP prompt exploring the book version of the Masquerade and what it reveals. I promise it's not as dry as I just made it sound.
Phantom of the Opera - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,063 - Reviews: 6 - Published: 6-28-05 - Erik & Christine - Complete
10. Sauron's Night Before Christmas reviews
A Christmas poem. Sauron, unhappy that others are enjoying the holiday, goes around giving everyone poo to dampen their spirits. PG for references to poo. Semicontinuity with my parody and the parody that Frotu used to have up.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 606 - Reviews: 12 - Published: 12-29-04 - Sauron - Complete
11. The Fellowship of the Bra » reviews
The Fellowship of the Bra begin their quest to Mordor. Dyslexic elves, delinquent hobbits, pothead wizards, and horny future kings abound. It may sound like a slash or sex fic, but it isn't, because those suck. Complete!
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 22,206 - Reviews: 142 - Updated: 6-20-04 - Published: 3-28-04 - Frodo B. & Aragorn - Complete
12. The End reviews
What happens when the Planeteers die? C'mon, you didn't really think they were the only set Gaia ever had, did you?
Captain Planet - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,113 - Reviews: 32 - Published: 6-18-04 - Complete
13. The Peril of a Fish reviews
An Invader Zim crossover with the anime Ranma, but you'll understand it even if you haven't seen the latter. Also note: No Zim/Dib slash or other stupid things that suck.
Crossover - Ranma & Invader Zim - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,198 - Reviews: 26 - Published: 2-11-04 - Ryoga & Zim - Complete
14. Once Upon a Time at Mexico and Chambers » reviews
Finished! A parody of OUaTiM that takes place entirely at a single intersection. I don't own anything.
Once Upon a Time in Mexico - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 9,491 - Reviews: 15 - Updated: 12-31-03 - Published: 12-11-03 - Complete
15. Ode to a Many Armed Man reviews
An ode to Agent Sands.
Once Upon a Time in Mexico - Rated: K+ - English - Poetry/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 216 - Reviews: 17 - Published: 10-2-03 - Complete
16. The Headfull Horseguy » reviews
A moviebased parody. Ickyboo Crow goes to Stupid Hollow to solve the mystery of the bodystealing Horseguy. Woooooooo. Now edited for typos.
Sleepy Hollow - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 9 - Words: 12,061 - Reviews: 78 - Updated: 8-21-03 - Published: 3-9-03 - Complete
17. InuYasha at the Hellmouth » reviews
When the Hellmouth goes screwy and affects a certain well, InuYasha is sent to Sunnydale. This was an early fic of mine, and, bad as it is, I don't have the heart to delete it.
Inuyasha - Rated: T - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 17 - Words: 17,822 - Reviews: 61 - Updated: 4-12-03 - Published: 1-30-03 - Inuyasha - Complete
18. Lexx And The Many Obscure References reviews
Prince has an idea to torment the crew of the Lexx for no reason.
Lexx - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,638 - Reviews: 7 - Published: 2-2-03 - Complete
19. Mario's Next Adventure » reviews
Very offensive, but funny if you have a sick scense of humor. Not for children or those easily offended.
Mario - Rated: M - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 3,209 - Reviews: 37 - Published: 12-30-02 - Complete
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