Once upon a time, there was a boy who was born with a screw in his belly button. This poor boy suffered much ridicule because of this abonormality and he desperately wished for it to disappear. One night, he was wandering out in the dark desert with only the dim light of the stars to guide him. Driven half-insane with thirst and hunger, he fell to his knees and begged for the cosmic forces to remove the screw in his belly button. Minutes later, a golden screwdriver descended from the heavens. Very slowly, it twisted the screw out of his navel...

...and then his ass fell off.

(the above was a true story)

"Reality continues to ruin my life." ~Bill Watterson
(personal motto)

"What are you saying, Carla, JESUS wasn't a FETUS? Jesus was a HOLY FETUS." ~Marc

"I have the spirit of a fat girl." ~Cat

"Prom's a waste of a guy's money and a girl's virginity." ~David G.

Guy: "Don't make fun of the Holocaust, Megan. We had a family member who died in it."
Megan: "Oh, I'm so sorry."
Guy: "Yeah...he fell out of his watchtower."

Joe D.: "I have two car keys."
Me: "Why two?"
Joe D.: "One to open the door, the other to start it."

"Yeah, totally! Cause, you know, I get crucified, like, every other weekend." ~Kevin

Allison: "I'm taking Cooper with me on a cruise this summer."
Me: "Try not to get him pregnant."

"Did you know that if you wait long enough, your virginity grows back?" ~Victor

"A game starts. It's called life. You get knocked down. You get held up by some dirty trick. No one's there to help you. Everyone's waiting for you to stay down. but you don't give up. You adapt and you run fast, fast enough to get a moment of breathing room and reach down past your heart and into your gut to do something no one's ever seen before, something that nobody ever thought possible." ~Dave Kalstein, Prodigy

"I think there's a law against being poor in Southlake." ~Mi Hermanito

"Sara, quit squirting your gourd at me!" ~Kyle

"David, I think your rubber's leaking." ~Kyle

"I smell like flowers, minus Cheetos." ~Cat

"Sticks and stones might break my bones, but words will hurt and devastate my inner child." ~Victor

"Of course I'm heavier than your tuba! I HAVE LIFE!" ~Victor

"That's what happens when you girls have babies. Except for when you're married. Then God cuts the pain in half." ~Mrs. Sublette

"LACTATE DAMN IT!" ~Whitey

Paunch: "I think I'm bi."
Nathan: "Why the hell are you telling me this now?"

"Blessed sacrament." ~Jonston & me

"Everyone knows the key component of serious, rampant procrastination is the inability to put anything on paper. " ~Shonda Rhimes
(Amen, sister. Amen.)

"She's like Pinnochio: whenever she lies, her legs grow longer." ~Megan T.
(Thanks Megan. Thanks a lot.)

"What kind of question is that? That's like asking Hitler why he bought a new oven." ~Megan T.

"That is some awkward love geometry." ~Lizzie

"Thanks for nailing me in the ass, Victor...I MEANT WITH SNOW!" ~Jane

"I didn't used to play with my sister." ~Jane

"Fat things are better." ~Jane

"I really don't want to UGH!" ~Jane

Marc: "The only difference is Mary Poppins didn't have a penis."
Michael: "Damn it, disappointed again."

Jane: "Ha, Cat, you're married to Marc!"
Marc: "Ha, Jane, you're in an on and off sexual relationship with Ben."

"Hey, Carla, I can't do it right now, but EARLOBE EARLOBE!" ~Daniel

Jeff: "If you just got a bunch of musicians in a room and told them to play, no music or anything, what would it sound like?"
Gary: "Jazz."

"Screw the French. It's freedom kissing." ~Marc

(In the car)
"See that stop right there? See how you didn't die? That was a sexy stop." ~Marc

(visual basic joke)
If Hot Then
Fly
ElseIf Ain't Then
Not
End If
~Marc & Me

"Psh, that's lame. Infections are for pansies."

Me: "I hate being so short, I can't see anything."
David: "You can sit on my lap if you want."
Me: "No, David, I will not have sex with you! If you want to have sex with me, you're going to have to get me drunk and do me on prom night like any other guy! God, if you're going to take advantage of me, at least do it right!"
David: "Sorry, Carla, I'll be sure to follow protocol next time."

Me: "Caitlin, quit pissing your pants!"
Caitlin: "For the last time: IT WAS KOOL-AID!"

"What fictional character would I date? Well, I really love the Harry Potter books, but I know that someone's going to call me some creepy old pervert if I say Hermione Granger..." ~Fr. Thomas XDXDXD

Sarah: "Have you gotten a pap smear lately?"
Joe: "I'm a guy. I have no paps to smear."

"Sorry, Ted. I left my testicles at home." ~Katie

"I'm Catholic. Of course I hate the bible." ~Joe

"It's like a school for prostitutes." ~Prof. Brent

"If it was under my butt, I'd play with it too." ~Drew

"Bite it NOW!" ~Emily

"But the LORD...was not in the electronics." ~Ted (A.K.A. Richard)

"Any day with only three classes is a good day for me. Actually, that's everyday." ~Chris

"Oh wait, your watch is in killing people time." ~Mike

"How much more intimate can you get than...eating...someone...?" ~Joe

Joe: "I think Angelle drinks a gallon of mayonnaise a day. That's why she's so jolly."
Angelle: "You too, can be happy."

"Eat shit, Jeff Scott." ~Joe

(singing) "Joe's my hero, Joe Joe's my hero." ~Will and Colin

"Oh, Carla...you're fun-sized!" ~Dana

"You're the poop sock guy!" ~Joe

"Buddhist sneak attacks!" ~Joe

"Let's just say the pin on his compass pointed north more often than not." ~Walter

"The Love Sweatshop." ~G-Siders

"I just Germ-Xed my mouth." ~Joe

"It's the peace machine gun." ~Ted

Chris: "These balls are heavenly."
Sarah: "...WHAT?"

"Jonathong!" ~Me

"I smoked a cigarette - which I'm never going to do again - and I lost my virginity - which I'm never going to do again."

Maria: "Any size larger than that is a dollar fifty more."
Joe: "DISCRIMINATION!"

Jen: "Where'd you get those flowers?"
Joe: "Off a casket."

Mandy: "I'll drive!"
Everyone in the room: "...uuhh..."
(Mandy's blind)

"Ziggy Masters: The Untold Story." ~Elizabeth

"Guys, it's pretty high, so grab whatever you need to hit those notes." ~Ted

Nelson: "We're talking about exploding testicles."
Dana: "WHAT?"

(as I'm answering the phone)
Me: (to everyone else) "It's Josh." (to Josh) "Hey, Josh!"
Nelson: "Hey, Josh! You wanna cut out her uterus?"

"Short little chapters of happiness!" ~Nancy

"Please don't say it's about horse romance." ~Nancy

Me: "I like how she can only insult you in another language."
Joe K.: "I know! Most people just insult me to my face."

"Oh, I'd totally take off my pants for anyone with a guinea pig." ~Katie

"It's kind of useless to point at a blind person, Ted." ~Katie

"Whenever my daughters have it, I read Cosmo because I want to figure out one hundred and twenty things I want somebody to do to me." ~Michael Grinfeld

"And they were raising, like, these superturkeys." ~Michael Grinfeld

Joe K.: "What if it's a sweet potato?"
Katie: "Damn it."

(as we're hugging)
Me: "OH MY GOD, YOU LOOK LIKE A HIPPIE!"
Marc: "Hey...we prefer the term bohemian."

"Who are you to criticize my double-standards?" ~Fr. Thomas

Laura: "You're a homo-popsicle."
Me: (shudder) "Oh, the imagery."

Me: "Nelson...wanna cut out my uterus?"
Nelson: "I'm sorry, I don't know what a uterus looks like. Go ask Josh, he's pre-med."
Me: "Ew, Josh is my twin! I can't ask my twin to cut out my uterus!"
Nelson: "Then ask Jacob."
Me: "Who's Jacob?"
Nelson: "His friend. He's pre-med too."
Me: "You must think I'm a whore. I don't entrust my uterus to just anyone."

Ted: "Laura, quit groping me!"
Me: "Geez, Ted, what is there to grope?"

"So do you not use deodorant, you just stuff potpourri in your armpits?" ~Sarah

"It's like parsley, only with an s." ~Me

"You're like a Protestant...you take a two hour break and then you go back." ~Teresa

"Zebras and rainbows make me nervous." ~Joe

"Your mom is a great dancer and I want to lick her ankles." ~Joe

Lisa: "Julia ate my cherry."
(Julia snorts with laughter)
Pretty much everyone on that end of the table: "OH MY GOD LISA!"

(We were Christmas caroling)
Fr. Thomas: "Ted, this is a Jewish nursing home!"
Ted: "WHAT?"
Fr. Thomas: "Just kidding."

(about Robert's soup)
"That looks like death." ~Me

"Malaria is a son of a bitch." ~Laura

David: "I'll rock around your Christmas tree."
Marc: "I'll jingle your bells."

"Hi, we're Teresa and the Christmas Experience." ~Marc

"Hi, we're the Yule Tide Revolution." ~Marc

"Hi, we're the Jingle Bell Jammers." ~Marc

"Hi, we're the Caroling Crew." ~Marc

"That was as smooth as a car crash." ~Caleb

Me: "How did you get your hair like that?"
Joe: "It starts with a healthy prayer life."

Me: "Ted, you're like an Asian leprechaun."
Dan: "Yeah. With a bowl of rice at the end of the rainbow."

"Making Ted cry is like kicking a puppy in the balls." ~Katie

"That makes my OCD happy." ~Katie

Clay: "Ha, try being one of seven kids!"
Stud: "Hey, I was one of twenty-five."
Clay: "Who has twenty-five kids?"
Matt: "Catholics."

Joe: "He's excited to see the girl he's dating."
Me: "Ted, you're dating a girl?"
(Katie laughing in the background)
Me: "I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!"

"Carla! Get to him before God does!" ~Megan

"I think evolving to no longer being asexual was the worst idea in history." ~Marc

"God gave man a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a time." ~Caleb

Ted: "Oh, guys! I saw the funniest thing at work today! It was a giant paper clip and it was like this big!"
(we all pause)
Katie: "It kind of makes me happy that Ted is so naive."

Angelle: "Good luck!"
Everyone in the Cast: "DON'T SAY THAT!"

"And then I asked him, 'Mr. Penguin! What are you doing in my boot? Shouldn't you be at the North Pole?'" ~Dan

"Feel these dollar bills!" ~Ted

"I didn't want to be like, 'CUNT BLOCK!'" ~Katie

Dana: "Penises are weird."
Ryan: "Penises are very weird. They're like the only protruding part of the male anatomy that you don't have control over."
Beth: "Brandon can control his!"
(Please excuse Beth. She was very drunk. Dana and Ryan, however, were both completely sober.)

"Hey! I know you! Let's have an informal conversation!" ~Joe

Joe: "Apparently I look like Meatloaf."
Me: "The singer and the food."

Mandy: "I can't believe you're choosing to sit here, Father Joachim."
Joe: "Well even Jesus dined with sinners and prostitutes."
Me: "So what are you implying, Joe? That Mandy and I are prostitutes?"

Joe: "TRIP THE BLIND GIRL!"
Mandy: "Hi, Joe."

Joe: "Oh, no. I just give Jeff shit to his face, but I say really nice things about him whenever he's not around."
Jeff: "Just think of it like a eulogy, only I'm still alive."

"Does everyone else feel really young or is it just because Fr. Joachim is here?" ~Joe

(About Fr. Joachim)
Joe: "He's such a fart. And a flirt. Let's call him Flart."
Mike: "Fr. Flart!"

"We don't talk about hookers. They're not real." ~Joe

(Before you read this, you must know that Joe looks like a dirty hippie and Evan uses a wheelchair. I'm not Samoan, but we have an inside joke saying that I am.)
Evan: "It's the dirty hippie's fault!"
Me: "Ooh! Score one for the cripple!"
Joe: "And the Samoan goes for the legs. Literally."

Laura: "I don't want to breathe in secondhand smoke, Joe."
Joe: "Then maybe you shouldn't be standing so close to a fire."

"I'd stamp that if it wouldn't make me a pervert." ~Joe

Emily: "She beats Ted by, like, eighty points."
Ryan: "Eighty what?"
Joe: "Eighty butt points."

"Drums make me want to ovulate." ~Joe

"I gave up sleep for Lent!" ~Joe

"That's what I love about the Bible...it's chock full of scripture." ~Fr. Scott

"That sounds like someone raping an animal farm." ~Joe

"French the microphone." ~Robert

"I get really angry whenever I get something in my eye because I mean, SERIOUSLY! What are the chances?" Cynthia
(Cynthia's Asian)

"Sometimes alcohol isn't a social lubricant. Sometimes it's a social laxative." ~Joe

"There's a French terrorist outside!" ~Jonathon

"AHH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" ~Fr. Thomas

(in a Russian/Spanish/Ukranian/Italian accent)
"I like you better when you at work." ~Sarah

"OH MY GOD, WHERE'S KAREN? DID WE LEAVE HER IN THE BATHROOM?" ~ASB group

"Got your FACE!" ~Elyce/Me

Caitlin: "Oh my God, Carla...I have no boobs in this picture. Where did they go?"
Me: "I don't know. Maybe the Boob Fairy took them?"

"Martinis are the language of my people." ~Sean
(Sean's gay)

Cody: "Is there any place we could go nab some trucks?"
Leah: (mouthing to me) "Nab some trucks?"

(talking about David's eventual marriage)
"Just remember to invite me to the wedding." ~David's Mom

(after Brad fed his girlfriend a slice of pizza)
"Oh my God, did that seriously just happen?" ~Phil XD

Muddy: "Mike, Batman or Superman?"
Mike: "Duh! Superman, 'cuz he's real!"

Kyle: "Then what would you call Bambi? A nature film?"
Marc: "What? That's like calling Aladdin a cultural experience."

"Girls don't wash their shoes! That's what boys are for." ~Marc

"Crap, I'm walking in grass. My shoes are allergic." ~Walter

"I'm in a posthumous relationship with Frank Sinatra." ~Me

"Like you could say, 'The bird flies over the coconut,' and that can mean, 'How was the flight?' And then I'll reply, 'The lights shine bright in Albuquerque,' and that can mean, 'The flight was great. The pilot was a douchebag.'" ~Me

Me: "Noooo more."
Ereeka: "Walaaaa na."
Poch: "Ubusss na."

"Whoa...homeboy smells like a forest." ~Me

"I think I got bit by an orgasm." ~Joe

"My grandma took a vacation to vagina." ~Joe

"Men, we all have the impulse to kill our fathers and sleep with our mothers. If you haven't figured that out yet, you've been repressed and you need to get over that." ~Prof. Schenker

Dr. Ries: "Now according to this study, Mizzou students tend to weigh more than the students at Stephens. Can anyone tell me the problem with this?"
Student: "Probably that there are only five guys at Stephens."
Dr. Ries: "Well, yes. I have heard that there are several men in the theater program."
(everyone laughs)
Dr. Ries: "I didn't mean it like that."
(Stephens College is an all-girls school)

"Maxwell Ostermeyer?" (no one answers) "I suppose Max not so well today." ~Dr. Ries
(ba-dum-ch!)

Jonathan: "Sorry, that was an important phone call."
Me: "Was someone dying?"
Jonathan: "No."
Me: "Then it wasn't so important after all."

Me: "Who would win in a fight? Evan or Joe?"
Joe: "I'd just find some stairs."
Me: "Joe, that's terrible!"
Joe: "Well come on! In a physical fight, Evan would totally kick my ass! I can't let myself get beat up by a cripple!"

"The Dominican Order was formed to oppose the Albigensian Heresy. The Jesuits were formed to oppose the Protestant Reformation. How many Albigensians have you talked to lately?" ~Fr. Simon

"Nay-Nay passed away-way." ~Joe/Mixed Kaitlyn

Josh: "I'll let you guys pull out first before I leave."
Me: "That's what she said!"

Katie: "I just want a Pokey Stick."
Me: "That's what she said!"

Victor: "Did you guys do your homework?"
Little girl in his bible class: "No, it was too hard!"
Victor: "That's what she said."

(referring to his Angel Food Cake)
"Standard rules apply." ~Jeff Scott

"That's what it all comes down to in the end: who's afraid to touch whose peeper." ~Jonathon

"It's as hot as a two dollar whore in church waiting for a three dollar customer." ~Joe

"The basic idea is to concentrate as much love in this house in the next thirty-six hours, then explode it all over them." ~Colin

"You wanna smell victory, just sniff David Bowie's codpiece." ~Jeff Scott

"I don't know how you guys can handle it. My balls started sweating three feet into the door." ~Jeff Scott
(Hence, Ball-Sweat Saturday)

"I'm a big chubby muffin of burps and awkward." ~Joe

"We're bitches for the Lord." ~Me

"God loves a working man, so get your ass in gear." ~G-Side (wut wut!)

"The gay kid does NOT get to call me a pansy." ~Josh N.

Joe: "Just pull out. That's what she said!"
Victor: "Well obviously that doesn't work. Look at the Virgin Mary."
Danny: "Yeah. The Holy Spirit doesn't pull out."

"Your vagina says hi." ~Sean

"You smoke? We're over, Joe! TAKE YOUR PROMISE HAIR BAND BACK!" ~Sarah

Sarah N.: "Hey, what are you doing on Saturday between nine and noon?"
Me: "I believe I will be arguing with you over why I'm too busy to do whatever service event you have planned for this week, which will include a long list of excuses and will eventually end in my concession. Why?"

Victor: "Yo, J-Dawg."
Me: "Which one? Jacob's name starts with J too."
Jessie: "Well so does mine. But I'm a girl, so it doesn't apply."
Me: "Then by that logic, you would be J-Bitch."
Sean: "The only thing stopping me from calling you that for the rest of your life is the fact that we share bloodlines."

"There was one guy who ate the brains of his opponents on the battlefield, and the gods said, 'That's disgusting, you don't get to be immortal.'" ~Prof. Schenker

"If I ask, 'Is this Zeus or Poseidon?' Your answer would be, 'Yes.'" ~Prof. Schenker

"Isn't that sweet? They're all going to die. He's going to die...and he's going to die...well, she's going to get sold into slavery, if that's any consolation." ~Prof. Schenker

"Voldemort! There, I said it!" ~Prof. Schenker

"If you go into someone else's cave, at least wait for them to come home before you eat their cheese." ~Prof. Schenker

"My nipples are bigger than those sea shells." ~Victor

"Don't be hatin'. Interpretive dance frees my soul." ~Katie H.

"I love homophobia." (incredibly long pause) "Just kidding." ~Kevin

"Once the parachute opened, I realized that I wasn't going to die." ~Prof. Schenker

(At the end of the transcript) "You just wasted twenty minutes of your life reading this. Congratulations." ~Mike

Dr. Perry: "I'm pretty sure you'd be able to tell if it were a man or woman, despite the ski masks."
Me: "Well that's a generalization at the expense of the transgender community, and I'm pretty sure they don't appreciate that. Just throwin' that out there."

Prof. Fennel: "Y tú, Erica? Qué harrías si tu novio amara una chica otra?" (And you, Erica? What would you do if your boyfriend loved another girl?)
Erica: "Oh, um...cómo se dice 'punch him in the face?'"

"Parade! Like, a pride parade! A gay rade!" ~Brett

"Are you calling me a bastard?!" Prof. Schenker

"I like my women greasy." ~Matt

Me: "Then we started talking about horse porn and it was a downward spiral from there."
Joe: "Okay, when you start talking about horse porn, I think it's safe to assume that you were already in a downward spiral."
Sean: "No, seriously, it was like a cliff: the conversation was completely fine until someone brought up horse porn and it fell sharply from there."

Me: "Whoa, you're just peeing all over your territory."
Kelsey: "Yeah. You smell like Carla."
Katie: "Not again!"

(The following was a texted conversation)
Me: "What's a good excuse if you're caught helping your friend take a shower in a girls' bathroom?"
Nelson: "How much are you helping?"

(About Ben's girlfriend)
"Ben tested, Walter approved." ~Walter

(Another texted conversation)
Walter: "Haha, am I not fucking angelic?"
Me: "You value the truth and I value my life, so I'm not going to say anything."

Eric: "Altos, nice duples."
(Everyone stares at Sean)
Sean: "Everyone laugh at the joke in your head and move on."

Eric: "That was duplicious."
Alex: "Oh my God, T-shirts!"

Jonathan: "It's just a picture of me with a chick...en."
(pause)
Victor: "Wow, Jonathan, that almost sounded promising."

Victor: "You finally escaped the birth canal."
Me: "Hold on, a minute ago you cut the umbilical chord. How can you cut the chord before you escape the birth canal?"
Victor: "We had to shove him back in. He wasn't ready. Like a premie."

(talking about music)
Sean: "So do you want it to swell, or just fall off?"
Me: "Too easy."

(again, talking about music)
Eric: "It's coming along. It's coming."
Irene: "That's what she said."
Alex: "Aww, come on, that was too easy."

Me: "I'm going to stab you in the throat."
Eric: "Carla? Is there anything you'd like say in front of the rest of the choir?"
Sean: "Um, I believe she just said it. I don't know how much clearer you want her to be."

Eric: "Come on, sopranos. Get on the ball."
Kat: "Oh, I am on this ball. I am bouncing on this ball."
Alex: "Oh my God, T-shirts!"
Eric: "Is anyone keeping track of all this?"

Daniel: "Has anyone ever told you that you're beautiful when you frown?"
Me: "No."
Daniel: "That's because you're not."

"I've never died before in my life." ~Victor

Katie: "I always thought that Jonathan would have comfortable biceps."
Victor: "I can vouch for that."

"So global warming is menopause?" ~Victor

Jessie: "You know what? Friendship over!"
Me: "Comradeship terminated!"

Michelle: "What she's saying is that either you're pretty or you're not her friend."
Me: "False dichotomy!"
(thank you, Logic and Reasoning, for ruining my life)

(Victor recently sprained his ankle, which resulted in the next two)

(As we're walking normal speed) "Quit running!" ~Victor

Jessie: "That's the great thing about Vic. He's so cool with other people making decisions for him."
Jonathan: "You know, Vic, you should really put your foot down."
Victor: "I can't, it hurts!"

Dr. Koller: "Is anyone here from Canada?"
Katie S.: "I'm from Minnesota!"

Victor: "That guy really needs to button his shirt."
Jessie and Me: "No he doesn't."

(talking about the bad guys in Red Dawn)
"Aha, we have your corn!" ~Dr. Colwell

"I could feel my kidneys giving up, but I didn't care." ~Victor

Me: "Surprise! It's not actually chocolate, it's dog crap!"
Victor: "But it is a banana."

Me: "You're Vietnamese! All you do is hair!"
Victor: "What? No! We do nails! Get your stereotypes right!"

"Eff the Jews! They killed our Savior, that's why we have to eat Him!" ~me
(I swear I'm not anti-Semitic)

"I watched two hours of 'For the Love of Ray J.' I don't give a shit about Ray J!" ~Victor

"There's no halfway. It's dead or no dead." ~Victor

"Jesus would be rolling over in His grave if He stayed dead." ~Victor

Me: "Do you guys have any rubbing alcohol?"
Victor: "No, but we have Everclear. It's basically the same thing."

Victor: "Jonathan's looking at lobster porn!"
Jonathan: "I'M STUDYING FOR ZOOLOGY!"

(Talking about the old Herbal Essences commercials)
Joe: "Do you have an orgasm every time you take a shower?"
Victor: "Not every time..."

"It's not gossip, it's fact. We're facting." ~Victor

"Jesus on three!" ~The Group

"There's a V...there's an I...there's a seizure..." ~Katie (deciphering Victor's signature)

"Don't get married in the Catholic Church. You have to do compatibility tests and shit. You can do that on eHarmony for a free six month trial or whatever." ~Bubba

"I don't know anything about marriage, but if you have to do it, prenupt the shit out of it." ~Bubba

"Don't put your sock on the seat. That's how you get STDs. You don't know how many cooches have been on there." ~Bubba

"I'm not a woman. I just have really bad cramps." ~Mike

"If that kid says 'cracka lackin' one more time, I'm gonna cracka lack him in the head." ~Jonathan

"Molly is a stupid whore." ~Clay

"They're all winners. They all belong in this nexus of winners where everyone knows each other." ~Clay

"Your jokes are so stupid! They're so stupid that they kind of make me want to laugh." ~Waiter at Ed Debevic's

"Repeat after me: 'This is your birthday song, it isn't very long.'" ~Waiter at Ed Debevic's

"Happy happy birthday, from all of Ed's to you. If I came here for my birthday, I'd hate my family too." ~Waiter at Ed Debevic's

Me: "So there's a sign above the urinal in the men's restroom at Ed Debevic's that says 'No ball playing.'"
Victor: "Man law."

Waiter: "The gratuity's included in the tip."
Mike: "Yeah, we took it out."
Waiter: "Oh, what, are you a bunch computer/math geniuses or something?"
Me: "Yeah. That's why we're not working as a bunch of grumpy waiters at a burger restaurant."

Waiter: "Do you want to see the desert menu?"
Us: "No, thanks."
Waiter: "Oh, what, you're too good for the desert menu?"
Me: "If the deserts are anything like the burgers, then yes we are."

Danny: "Well if you don't fall asleep, I won't grab it."
Me: "...THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

(about going to a strip club for his friend's bachelor party)
Me: "PLEASE bring a camera and give it to someone else. I want to see pictures."
Jonathan: "I'll consider it. If I don't have to show the girls how to really work it."

"If you're foaming at the mouth and it tastes like bacon grease, you have swine flu." ~Victor

(talking to his GPS)
"Oh shut up, Karen, you're not dying." ~Jonathan

"Karen's shacking up with Javier!" ~the Group

Tony: "You know, in Mexico, they're called The Honas Brothers."
Sean: "I kind of want them to adopt a fourth brother named Ca, so he'd be Ca Honas."

"Oh, we will crank them out. We'll crank them out like Mexicans cranking out babies." ~Me, right in front of my supervisor

(about the pink candle plate we were planning on putting in our apartment)
Me: "Do you not like it?"
Sean: "I do, I just think it's going to be random."
Me: "...did you not hear about the heart-shaped pancake spatula?"

"Carla, you're a Filipino living in Texas, which means that in twenty years you'll be working at a massage parlor in the outskirts of Austin, giving people their happy endings." ~Joe

"I like to sneeze. When I was younger, I used to fart and sneeze at the same time. I'd do it for you now, but I don't know if I can do it anymore." ~Ryan

"This floatie's like a conversation condom; there are holes, but it still works." ~Muddy

Mary: "I think Owen Wilson looks like Ellen Degeneres."
Me: "They're both so pretty..."

Jonathan: "No, stop! Don't!"
Me: "That's what she said!"
David: "Not to me."

Marc: "So he got in trouble for touching the male member--"
Me: "Pff. You said male member."
Marc: "I love you."

Me: "Hey, Vic, you want to talk to Kevin's roommates?"
Victor: "Are they hot?"

"If you come over to our side, I will kill you. I will still love you and continue to pray for you, but I will kill you." ~me

Dr. Casey: "He charmed the hell out of that Korean dude."
The rest of the class: "Kim Jong-il?"
Dr. Casey: "Yeah, him."

"There is only one instance in which you are allowed to lead with a quote, and that's when the quote is, 'I'm back,' and the person saying it is Jesus." ~Katherine Reed

Ryan: (about The Beatles) "They looked funny."
Victor: "That's because they were British."

"You want good news? Go read a bible." ~Me

"I, as a homosexual, am required to be aware of the Bravo line-up at all time." ~Sean