Reviews for Halkegenia Online Arrun Parallel Story: Melancholy Heart
Nobody Smurf chapter 3 . 9/16/2015
The Halkegenians would freak if they saw that globe. Whole continents they have never even imagined.

He really should have waited outside the room while Yuki went in. Oops. Still, not so May/December as I thought.

Yui is all heart. It could even be said that she was Cardinal's heart.
Nobody Smurf chapter 2 . 9/16/2015
Yui's resemblance to Mutsumi can't be an accident if it is that close. So, either Yui is based on an engram of Mutsumi, or, since she does look like her parents, Mutsumi is a close relative of either Asuna or Kirito. Or both. Hmm.

SaitouxIrene. May/December, but stranger things have happened.

Yuki is another that had to grow up too fast. Good to see she is handling it well.
Nobody Smurf chapter 1 . 9/16/2015
Good to see this arc getting attention.
Psieye chapter 3 . 10/16/2014
You call it "generic and predictable". I call it "familiar groundwork". People over value originality because they think it's the only thing that matters. A mediocre idea executed competently is more valuable than a brilliant idea executed horribly. Oh sure, a terrible idea will create negative value no matter how well it's executed. Point is, execution matters a lot.

Now before I focus on the execution, I must mention: this idea is not generic. You're shipping two elders who both find themselves in the throes of raging adolescent hormones again. This is something that deserves to be polished.

So, at the end of last chapter you've thrown really obvious hints of what you're trying to do. This is good, readers like feeling they know what'll come next - good storytelling involves a lot of rules and tropes for the sake of Expectations Engineering. You efficiently dish out a lot of worldbuilding (oh hello Yuuki) while you lead the readers on with the "Incoming Ship!" carrot. The characters enter Irene's residence without permission. At this point the readers will be impatiently expecting ignition very soon. Instead, you go into about 5 paragraphs describing the interior decoration. Not good. Very little of that was immediately relevant. There's better places to put that description.

After the ignition point, there are 3 moments where the characters are in various states of awkward silence: Takai-sensei's interrogation, Yuuki setting up her escape and then the two realising they've been left alone. The latter two have very little narrative spacing between the start and end of those moments of silence. That space can be naturally expanded by putting in descriptions of the interior decor. Bonus points if you then add the characters' opinions, memories and insights from those observations of furniture and personal items.

When the two are making arrangements for Follow-up, you basically make it look like two teenagers fumbling around. That is not the case here, you have two re-youthed elders who know what's going on and can read the signs. This section deserves more detail: either the elders embrace what their hormones want and try to do it with finesse or the elders are fighting their hormones and well aware they are losing. In both cases, spelling out their thoughts would be valuable.
BbK2442 chapter 3 . 5/30/2014
That was a sweet side story. And now I'm already pairing ShouichixIrene in my head. I actually hope that there'll be a sequel to this.
Some Guy chapter 3 . 4/9/2014
This was a great story, and I really hope you'll continue it. All of the characters introduced here are so vibrant, with such personality! Shoichi Saito's backstory even got me to tear up a bit. Thank you for a truly great read, and I hope you'll gift the world with more in the future!

Thank you very much!
Daemon Sadi chapter 3 . 3/6/2014
Thanks! :)

It wasn't quite what I expected, but it was a nice breather after the Halkegenia Online (1 & 2) marathon I've gotten myself into.
again; thanks!
Bobboky chapter 3 . 3/1/2014
Very very good work
Stickstrike chapter 3 . 2/5/2014
d(_)b Great story! *warm fuzzy feelings*
wolf fullmoon chapter 3 . 2/5/2014
Seriously, how are you able to pump out chapters this quickly?
Guest chapter 2 . 1/29/2014
This is becoming quite the intriguiing side story.
Excellent work mapping the changing of society, I keep thinking there are multiple writers of this because, how could one author think of so many intermapping connections to one point?

Look at all the topics...

Drama, History, Politics, Mystery, Sociology, Psychology...
Ancestor's Dragon chapter 3 . 1/31/2014
Well, that was cute. Nice job with this, I look forward to your next update.
skywiseskychan chapter 3 . 1/30/2014
As one of those "creapers" I think your overreacting. (and it was eighty no eight)

He's actually one of the better choices give the unique circumstances of her existance. He isn't going to rush anything sexualy. He's been there, he's done that and with three children he and his wife clearly had enough time for THAT. No, what he misses most is the companionship and caring and love of his wife. Of all the lost time and experiences of being with her, together and doing things. Above all he has learned patience and a level of self discipline.

It's those aspects that I think would allow him to be good for Yui and have a good relationship with her. On the other hand the more clasic pairing you have is a 13 something year old with a 2 year old. That doesn't sound good either does it? Someone who in their own youth and ignorance is far more likely to take advantage of Yui and her feelings, not just her body.

Oh on the subject of age and birthdays, is a year in Halkengenia the same as a year on Earth in days? Now I'm just curious.
Guest chapter 3 . 1/27/2014
alright! go Saito.
saito... that name sound familiar outside of just this by itself...
anyway! Its nice that you did a slice of some of the more normal problems for these guys.
its nice that Saito was able to close some unexpected old wounds opening up, and hell! hes got the romance again! haha. maby. still get some LIFE back in you, you know? not just living the life.
and you characterizing someone who I suspect is going to have people interact with a lot (considering the damage a lot of them are going to take eventually... yeah)
and that little bit of yui! I like that bit of her understanding enough but not KNOWING and feeling particulary akward about it.
so.. great work! and sorry for the creepy thing before.
Guest chapter 3 . 1/27/2014
This is turning into quite the beautifull fairy tail, isnt it? :)
Thanks for the update, has always great work.
48 | Page 1 2 3 .. Last Next »