|Reviews for Convenient Interference|
| CrimsonStrawberry17 chapter 1 . 11/16/2014
I think that this is a really great story, but I'd like to read the unedited story.
| Yume Hime16 chapter 15 . 9/27/2014
The only think that I can say is that it (everything) was GREAT, AMASSING, SUPER and that I LOVED it *0*. One of my favorite Seto/Atem fanfictions that I have read so far; and it most probably will stay as one of my favorite fanfictions in general.
| Raven.Sappho chapter 15 . 3/19/2014
An amazing end to an amazing story! Many thanks for sharing your writing with us xx
| DarkManedFox chapter 7 . 3/2/2014
Hello. I finally had the time to read your work. Anyway, both are awesome as always and here are my individual reviews for each chapter:
Hmmm. I like the pacing in this one. Though there's too much dialogue and a bit of redundancy to me (It's probably just me, but there's nothing wrong with it in general. So it's up to you to take it or not)
How long is a candlemark, by the way?
LOLOLOLOLOL! I LOVE Akhenaten in this! LOL "Why is our Crown Prince staying in the room reserved for a ruler's wife?" Talk about being blunt. LOL. I can imagine everyone dead-panning right after.
The pacing... is a bit imbalanced for me. You seem (to me) to focus on the dialogue, actions, and aftermath of emotions. Not much... in-depth descriptions of what the characters are going through. But that's just how I see things. I'm not saying it's wrong, just pointing out what I observe. Again, it's up to you whether or not you'll take my observation.
In the next scene, what's the purpose for that marble?
I'm looking forward to the next update!
| GeorgeBoo chapter 5 . 2/19/2014
Usually I wait until I've finished all the chapters before reviewing, but I have to say... I'm really, really enjoying this story (I'm sorry! I can't give good hard reviews on where you need to fix things. As long as your capitals are correct and there's no horrid spelling mistakes, I'd probably miss it!)
Anyway, in the first chapter, I wasn't sure about how I felt about Seto- and that feeling has grown and shrunk over the next few. When Mokuba was introduced I liked him more (there has to be something about a guy that's good with kids that makes you really like him), but then it changed to a more mortified sympathy for Atem after the "sleep with me" and the bath... And then a wonder if I had judged him too kindly when it got to the part where he asked Atem if he could transform into a child and was close to disliking him greatly... And now, I guess he's pretty great? (I mean, my expectations on his character has now become much lower after finding out he's not that much of a perv.)
I have to say my favourite character is either Mokuba or Atem, though it's kind of not fair to pin them against each other. (One's the main character, the other is in my opinion, adorable.)
| DarkManedFox chapter 5 . 2/14/2014
This is a review for both chapter four and five. Sorry for not being able to read it sooner. I couldn't find the time to do so (until now). Anyway, here's my review for chapter 4:
I still find the chapter redundant due to certain word choices (They weren't in error, gramatically speaking, though. So perhaps, it's just redundant word choice to me (no offense.)) I'd like to point out that there seems to be some sort of...over-exageration regarding what the raiders did to Atem. I don't think he's been 'tortured,' just beaten up or roughed up. Then again, that's just my opinion. Anyway, here are some things I found rather unclear.
1) 1st Paragraph: "When they heard he was the only survivor of an attack, most of them offered respect, condolences, and prayers for the dead to Atem, and didn't question him any further, even as he explained the king had sent a message to Egypt to bring a new party to the Crown Prince's side."
This seemed too long, even with the commas. I think it would sound clearer if you broke it off into two sentences.
2) 3rd paragraph: His lessons in magic continued under the guidance of a Mage named Ryou, who had spent several years training at the Palace in Egypt, so understood the pecularities of their version of 'magic'.
I think there's a missing pronoun between 'so' and 'understood'
3) 18th paragraph: 'you should have realized how much liberty you still allowed'
Um... who allowed who? is Atem the one who allowed liberty or is Atem the one allowed liberty?
I kinda want to bash Seto here. He's clearly taking advantage of having Atem as a prisoner and manipulating the terms to suit his needs. Poor little prince.
And they keep looting records? Then that just implied that the kingdom is not playing fair in the first place (then again, they are enemies.) So Atem, you could break your end of the deal since you're dealing with people who played dirty to get their hands on you. But of course, you wouldn't want to stoop to their level. lol, honorable midget!
And that's for Chapter 4. Now onto Chappie 5
I only found one thing that seemed off to me and here it is.
1) 13th paragraph: With a smirk, the Prince/ss said.
I am certain that the '/ss' here is a mistake.
...ROFL. OH MY GOD! ATEM! WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ALL YOUR TRICKS UP LIKE THAT! Does he even want to go back to his people and stop Nihon from having the upper hand?! He could've escaped without breaking the onesided terms and saved his kingdom the trouble of getting him back. LOLOLOLOL. Something tells me that he doesn't want to leave Seto, especially since he makes every effort to block the loopholes he could use.
Looking forward for the next update...
| DarkManedFox chapter 3 . 2/5/2014
I'd like to apologize for my rather unclear review. Here's a detailed version.
I love the plot. It is unique and intriguing. It still had realistic points despite the presence of fantasy elements. You said 'Nihon' is in a Medieval Europe setting rather than being Ancient Japan. I believe it's important to let your readers know that in an A/N to avoid confusion.
However, there are traces of redundancy, overcomplexity, and vagueness in some of your dialogues, word choices, and descriptions. It throws off the pace on occasion. I'll post them here together with some of my suggestions. It's up to you whether to accept them or not. I'm not saying that your dialogue, word choice, and descriptions are wrong. I'm just pointing out that I find some parts a bit confusing due to the above mentioned. Here are some lines from the previous chapter that I find as such.
1) 21st paragraph. "When Seto woke."
I think it would be clearer if you added 'up' at the end of the word because you seemed to use it as a compliment verb. Plus it sounded like someone else was the recipient of the action rather than Seto performing the action.
2) 23rd paragraph."That..even though I have been training with weapons for a long time, that was my first battle and my first time killing and my first time being taken hostage."
I think there's a bit of redundancy with this. I think it would sound less redundant if you remove one 'that' and one 'and;' unless this was intended as a representation of Atem's incoherent words due to being upset.
3) 25th paragraph. "I'll have recovered within a week with care like that"
I think 'I would have recovered', is much clearer than 'I'll have recovered.' The action word 'recover' was in past tense, so I think your auxiliary verb should be in past tense as well. Or you can keep the auxiliary verb in future tense, remove the word 'have' and write the word 'recover' in present tense.
4) 30th paragraph.'I'm going. and we'll talk at and after the meal.'
I think it would sound clearer if you used the word 'during' instead of 'at.' Because to me, the preposition 'at' here does not seem to complement with the adverb 'after'
5) 31st paragraph. '"A minute later, the hall door opened and several servants came in to get him out of his sleeping clothes, wash him, and dress him in clean, northern clothes"
"Finally, he was allowed to go, only for a servant to come from the adjacent door to call him to join the king for the morning meal."
I think there's too much commas. I know that one part is for separating coordinate adjectives, but somehow it mixed with the introductory element and sounded a bit confusing. I think it would be less confusing if you turn it into two separate sentences instead.
For the second one, I think replacing the comma after 'go' with a semi-colon will make the sentence much clearer as it unintentionally turns 'he was allowed to go,' into a parenthetical element; therefore, making your sentence seem confusing.
6) 32nd paragraph. "He was shocked to see a younger boy of about eleven"
"The boy had dark eyes and long, flyaway, black hair, but otherwise looked a lot like Seto, and he dressed in blue pants and shirt with a red device like a tunic - vest"
" It looked like he was already putting food from the platters on the table on his plate, and besides the chairs for Seto and the boy, there was one other, across from them."
Eleven what? (sorry. I can't put it in any other way.) I think you should imply that you are referring to the boy's age.
For the second one, I think there's too much commas here. I think it would be clearer if the comma in 'Seto, and' was changed to a semi-colon to avoid a confusing sentence; and I honestly do not know what you mean by 'blue pants and shirt with a red device like a tunic - vest.'
For the third one, The sentence seemed too confusing and too long. I think it would be clearer if you put a comma before and after 'food from the platters on the table.' I think the comma between 'plate' and 'and' could be changed into a semi-colon. The comma between 'other' and 'across' seems unnecessary to me.
7) 33rd paragraph. "At that moment, Seto looked up and saw him, so invited."
I think the commas here turned the line 'Seto looked up and saw him' into a parenthetical element. Therefore, it sort of implied that 'At that moment so invited.' can stand on its own. I think it would be a clearer statement if you separated the two ideas with a semicolon. 'At that moment, Seto looked up and saw him; So (he(I think the line sounded vague without the subject)) invited,'
8) 34th paragraph. "Yeah, I get that part, Big Brother, but why's he eating with us, why are you calling him just by his name, and why's his room the one connected to yours?"
I think there's too much commas. I think the idea would be clearer if you change one (the one before 'but' preferably) into a semi-colon to separate the two ideas.
9) 41st paragraph: "Right now, I'm injured, so it's probably best to avoid weapons training places, but I'd like to find the library, and I want to study magic, since my lessons there aren't complete,"
I think it would be clearer if you replaced the comma after 'injured' with a semi-colon to avoid making the line 'I'm injured' into a confusing parenthetical element.
10) 43rd paragraph: "You have to take your inscription lessons, first, Mokuba,"
I think the comma after the word 'lessons' is unnecessary. I find it kinda awkward to have a pause there.
11) 46th paragraph: "Do you know when the last time Yuugi missed a lesson was?"
I think the subjunctive verb at the end is redundant/misplaced. I think it could be placed after 'when' or it could be omitted
There. I'm not saying your writing style is wrong. I'm just pointing out what I find as confusing and I am offering some suggestions on how to clear it up. If you believe my suggestions are unnecessary, I hope you do not take it as an offense. I intend for this to be a constructive critique. I even used a checklist as basis.
This chapter is much clearer than the previous one. I don't find anything confusing in it. Everything was described in a descriptive and clear way.
Seto practically ordered Atem to bathe with him, as if it was something normal. And he blatantly told Atem that he finds him attractive without a single doubt. As if what he mentioned was a simple objective attribute. LOLLOLOLOLOL. He clearly has an authoritative way of dealing with his obvious feelings. I wonder if Atem would pick it up (Given how obvious it is.) Maybe that's the real reason why he 'couldn't' let Atem leave. You're one sly dog King Kaiba. LOL
Looking forward to the next update.
| Raven.Sappho chapter 1 . 2/4/2014
I believe an author has a right to personal style, no matter how descriptive it is. I enjoy it greatly! Well written and thought through :) Dont keep us waiting too long for more chapters!
| DarkManedFox chapter 2 . 1/31/2014
Your descriptions, dialogue, and choice of words still need some work. But other than that, the plot is amazing and I am curious to know what happens next.