|Reviews for Pokemon Origins: Orange Islands|
| InfamousChub chapter 1 . 4/6
I get that this is a oneshot, and, yes, there is a lot of retelling of events in the Pokémon series, but the parts that are shown are well told, usually in a nice arc that develops the characters or the story.
What you have done here is take away what made those four episodes so great by shortening the individual arcs (Pokémon Origins had less scenes, not shorter ones) and retelling the events that occurred in the Orange League. In fact, I only read about a fifth inwards before stopping.
Let me elaborate on the two points I raised. As for arc length, Pokemon origins hits the metaphorical nail on the head. With one arc spanning one episode, ample space is allocated to create an excellent structure of: Problem, Escalation, Climax and Resolution. (You should've heard of this in some shape or form). Think about the Lavender Town Incident.
Problem(s): Cubone is lonely, TR is in the Lavender Tower. Fuji is kidnapped.
Red goes up the tower.
Escalation: Shock! There is a ghost in the tower. TR are attacking!
Climax: Boom! TR against Red. The ghost is Cubone's mum.
Resolution: TR is booted out. Fuji is rescued. Cubone opens up.
Friendly banter between best friends. (Or rivals).
That's one episode of Origins, and it's better than your whole story...
Not the one I wrote just then. Hahah.
But it's no a bit helpful to know what's better than you. You have to know WHY! So, let me highlight what makes this arc better than yours.
Firstly, there's conflict. Real conflict between the protagonist and the antagonist(s). This means that it is IMPORTANT to the OVERALL PLOT! When being forced to write less scenes, make sure to hell that they are mire important than a flaming monkey is to my DP run. The Gyms, while interesting, do not contribute greatly to the main goal, catching Mew. Furthermore, there is no real reason for Red to challenge the gyms here.
Then again, Origins included that bit with Blue beating Red soundly.. What was the point of that? It didn't contain TR anywhere so why have it?
There is a reason for this scene, it develops character. Same reason Brock is there. The point is to show the lessons that Red needed to learn to become a better trainer. Why is this important to the main goal? Because, a weak trainer cannot beat TR.
In summary, you should only include vital (fleshed out) scenes. These scenes can be identified by a major moment of character development, huge turning points, or major conflict between central characters.
When I make statements about only including important scenes, I do not mean for you to remove them from the story completely. What I mean is just for you to tell these parts of the story. You have no problem here. The problem is how you tell the scenes that you do include. You have used lots of 'TELLING', but very little 'SHOWING'.
I'm not sure if you have heard of these concepts before, but to go over them, 'telling' is the techniques where you do what you think. Tell. Telling looks like this:
The boy trembled in fear.
Red had won.
The young lady had been crying because she was sad.
Notice that everything is stated directly? Notice the lack of emotion? It's also boring.
This is the main downfall of telling as a writing device, but it is still useful in certain circumstances. For instance, skimming lots of information. Passing facts around. Inner perspective.
People think in telling mode. They say 'I won!' Telling if I ever saw it. They don't say 'elation plastered all over my face'...
That would sound stupid. If someone said that.
Showing is the other technique I talked about. It involves showing what can be seen and using that to display events that can be understood.
To the earlier examples,
Eyes dilated, heart pounding. Sweat rolling down his neck in great droves. Hands trembling. Ragged breaths.
Etc. Use your imagination. What would it look like if I were scared. Watch a movie. The next time someone is scared, note the physical effects.
Jaw slack in wonder, eyes wide with amazement. Red slowly regained control of his face, and once he did, he grinned in elation.
I left lots of clues that Red had won. If in context, that is. Slack jawed (didn't expect to win), eyes wide (same). Grin of elation (something really good happened).
The one word, victory, is just to make it clear.
That last one. Eyes puffy and red. Streaks of makeup smeared. Gaze downcast. Near-silent whimper.
Something like that. I mean, I wrote the little parts just there. Make into something conference, not the random hodgepodge of short sentences that it is right now.
Anyway, just a few pointers. Sorry for being harsh, all I can say in my defence is that it was constructive. I hope so.
| LEGAL-EAGLE53 chapter 1 . 10/6/2015
Ignore Farla. I really liked the story.
| Wildstar93 chapter 2 . 3/13/2014
Wow...a Pidgeotto beaten by a Bellsprout. I didn't see that one coming.
But seriously, this is doing good so far. I like it; it's like the Gold and Silver games in anime/FanFiction form.
Keep up the awesome work!
| Farla chapter 1 . 1/24/2014
Dialogue is written as "Hello," she said or "Hello!" she said, never "Hello." She said or "Hello." she said or "Hello," She said or "Hello" she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." She grinned, never "Hello," she grinned or "Hello," She grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," she said. "This is it." not "Hi," she said, "this is it." or "Hi," she said "this is it." or "Hi," she said "This is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," she said, "is it." Also, remember that generally "said" is the best speech verb to use, and even more importantly, "stated" is not.
You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.
["How is the quest to capture Mew going?" asked Professor Oak.
"Not that great. I haven't been able to find Mew." answered Red, clearly disappointed.
"Well, I have some news that might help you." replied Professor Oak, "I'm sure you recall, Silph Co. was working on a Master Ball that could capture Pokemon without fail."]
Yes, having a masterball will sure help with the problem of not being able to find it.
And now it's speeding through the anime plot for the sake of poorly described pointless battles.
| Sai Og Sus chapter 1 . 1/22/2014
This is good! Hope you made the Gold/Silver series. I wonder how Red feel when he challenged Ethan.
| Wildstar93 chapter 1 . 1/22/2014
I liked it! Especially with Mew letting itself be captured by Red. And how he met Missingno...but I don't wanna see Missingno! Sorry about that.
What do you think Red will do next? He's seen and caught all the Kanto Pokemon...what do you think will happen after the Orange island? But still, I like this story, and I'm happy you made it!
Keep up the awesome work!
| Dario Flaman chapter 1 . 1/22/2014
Fantastic..just...fantastic,i was also very happy when i watched Origins,and now..Red's finished his quest for the Kanto pokedex..so perfect...Great Job!