|Reviews for It's a Waterful Life|
| FantasyToyLand chapter 2 . 5/13/2014
I like this story, but no offense, but it kind of lacks humor, so maybe humor isn't the right genre
| Guest chapter 3 . 2/9/2014
First, thank you very much for mentioning me in the Author's Note at the end of the chapter, I really appreciate it. :)
I'm glad that you liked my ideas and you took my criticisms to help improve your story, which like I said before, was an original and interesting idea.
I do like the conclusion as a whole, especially the part with Tooter, which I have to say was done brilliantly. However, I do have some criticisms to make, but they're mostly for your benefit.
First off, even though you had Allstar kinda come across as a jerk, it actually would've worked better if he ended up becoming non-confident and unassertive instead because, like you said, when he tried to help the teacher, he damaged the contents of the box and it made him doubtful of himself as a person, which would hinder him from becoming the adventurous and resourceful Snork we know. I know I was the one who partially inspired you to make him a jerk, but him becoming meek and unwilling to help would work better. I never claimed to be 100% right all the time, so I'll admit I was wrong to say he should've been a jerk. He might've even ended up being the snork Moose ended making his slave instead of Junior, just an idea.
I feel as though you shouldn't have had Tooter with Casey when asking Allstar for help, just because how do you explain him being in school when they're at Kelpmore High.
I still wish you went into a little more about the spirit, like how they transported Junior from place to place so quickly, like maybe snapping its fingers, which causes the scene to switch. I would've expected Junior to have more of a reaction to finding a hooded stranger in his bedroom, like maybe threatening to call his father or yelping in fright. I also wanted to know what happened to the spirit at the end, like maybe it pulling out a checklist, checking off Junior's name and looking for its next client.
While you have an impressive list of things that Junior playing a major role in, something major that I think you should've mentioned Junior's relationship with Princess Shareef, and without him, she ended up a cruel, heartless tyrant. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, watch the episode, Taming of the Snork. Trust me when I say it's a good one.
I like how you didn't make Junior sweet and sappy at the end, and you had him say that he does have feelings, but maybe instead of ending with him saying if he hadn't been born, maybe you could've had him simply ask them if they were his friends, kinda like this:
Junior (hesitantly): Hey, um, we're friends...right?
Allstar: Of course we're friends, Junior! We may not always get along, but when it comes down to it, we're all pals, no matter what.
Junior smiled at this. Allstar was right, these were his friends and as he served the ball, he thought to himself, he wouldn't change it, any of it, for the entire world.
Just a suggestion.
I really hope to see more Snork stories from you, and that you continue to improve as a writer. I wish I had the time to write fanfiction myself, but I'm way too busy with school. By the way, as a last bit of advice, please don't writing fanfiction take priority over school and other responsibilities, as a good education is an invaluable resource that shouldn't be taken for granted.
Best of luck to you. :)
| Guest chapter 2 . 2/6/2014
There are definitely some good things and not so good things about this chapter. I'm saying this not to insult you, rather to help you develop as a storyteller and organizing your ideas.
What I really liked about this chapter was your description of Occy, it was spot on and you took everything into account, mainly that if Junior hadn't ordered him, he wouldn't have ended up having a wonderful life with Allstar. Good job.
The 1st criticism I have is that you gave no description to what the spirit looked like or what their motivation is for taking Junior on this journey. Usually when a spirit appears before someone, they're either dressed as a hooded figure where you can't see the face or sometimes they look a completely normal person wearing a business suit, meaning that they sending the person on the journey as a job or business arrangement, where they'll usually be rewarded once the job is done, usually by receiving angel wings or access to Heaven, but you could have it be whatever you want depending on how you see the spirit character. Also, you don't have to reveal the spirit's reason for sending Junior on his trip right away, sometimes authors wait till after the protagonist has finished the journey and then the spirit reveals their motives, it usually adds a bit of drama.
My second main criticism was the part with Willie. I really feel like you didn't go into enough details. Again, this is meant to help you, not hurt you. You could've had Junior and the Spirit observing Willie at school, where Junior first realizes he's intangible to others when a kid walks right through him, you could've said something along the lines like, "Willie sat by himself at the stairwell, looking longingly at a group of a young Snorks playing a simple game of Snorkball. It was obvious that he wanted to play with them, but some strange reason, he just continued to sit there, almost afraid to leave his secure little spot. Junior just couldn't understand, the Willie he knew was always harassing him and his friends, trying to have fun with others, but this Willie just didn't seem to have it in him. He was just too timid."
My last little criticism is that you need to emphasize that Junior needs to go on this journey. We both know that Junior is very prideful and wouldn't verbally admit that he feels that the world would be better off without him, but that where things like body language and emotional cues come into play. For example, after Junior says the part "Of course I am the most important Snork ever, why would I even THINK about wishing I wasn't born?", you could say, "It was as if Junior were trying to convince himself what he was saying true." You could even have the spirit annoy Junior by verbalizing what he's thinking, much to his annoyance, such as, "Really, Junior? I know you're good at lying to others, but lying to yourself now, that's just a new low." Or maybe after the part where Junior sees how unhappy Willie is, the spirit could say, "You wish you could hold him and comfort him, don't you?", much to the prideful Junior's embarrassment.
Looking forward to Chp. 3 and Allstar, who happens to be my favorite Snork. I'm curious what he'll end up becoming, he might even become a jerk, or not. It's all up to you.
Hope the advice I gave will help you in the long run.
| Guest chapter 1 . 2/4/2014
This is an interesting premise, Junior honestly reflecting on how things would be different without him. It's definitely original.
You could definitely use this as an opportunity to change some of the other characters, like Allstar not being as helpful to others because he never helped Junior or his little brother Willie is very lonely and introverted because he doesn't have any siblings.
I do feel that it was a little TOO harsh when the Snork with the groceries called Junior a "waste of space", just because characters on the show are usually more casual to each, except maybe villians like Bigweed or Dr. Strangesnork. Otherwise I think you did a good job with the characterizations.
Can't wait too see what happens next in Chp. 2.