Its good its good please create new chapter

It's so good! When are you updating again?

It's good I think

The summary peaked my interest and now I can't wait for chapter two! .
So far this story seems rather good so far and I liked how you managed to keep Irie in character in this chapter.

Oh, continua la historia! Quiero ver que sucederá!

This is quite interesting although there isn't much yet. I hope you will update soon because Shoichi is one of my favourite characters. :)

A friend of mine saw you posted on on Facebook page for critique. I'd be glad to give you just that, but don't expect me to sugar-coat my words. I review so people can improve, and nothing but.

Okay, first, plot-wise. I understand this is a short story, or at least I hope it is. I could effectively see this could be a potential one-shot, or maybe a two/three chapter story. Here's the problem I have with your current story.

Timing.

There's NO sense of timing here. Conversations take up most of the story, causing the pace of the chapter to be lightning fast. I read the whole thing in about a minute, and I was pretty uninterested. Don't get me wrong, your vocabulary is more than adequate. It just read like a 5 year old's picture book. To improve, try and add descriptions. In my stories, I have whole paragraphs of descriptions just to slow down the pace of the read. If the atmosphere is calm and relaxed, describe the character's surroundings: What is the air like? How bright is it, and how does that effect what the place looks like? Does this help or hinder your character's thoughts?

Which brings me to my next point: Thoughts. There's practically no focus on thoughts here. Try stepping into the main character's mind. How does he feel about what's happening? How will that reflect in his actions? Thoughts help to slow the pace as well, and show reactions. His mom's reaction, for example, is pretty fake.

"That's so great, Shoichi. Your boss is really great, huh?" his mother said in awe.

Think about how it could be expanded. For example:

"Really?" Shoichi heard a sharp gasp, which sounded like a rush of static over the speaker. "That's wonderful! Your boss really must be a great person, to invite us over for your birthday!" She sounded excited to be invited; understandable, of course. We hadn't seen each other in months.

Those are my two main points, but start with those. Your chapter is about half a thousand words, I suggest going for two thousand, if it's possible. Maybe one-and-a-half thousand.

Stay sharp

Tensei Kano

Amazing! Brilliant! I love it! 3

Update Update Update Update soon!
Can't wait feeling hyper!
I wonder what there recation's will be?
Update soon!
Soon!
Soon!
Soon!

ohhohhoohhhhhoohoohohohohohoh
interesting

Why the hell there has a two of this story? Tell me why?

Very good. Can't wait to see Shoichi's family reaction.

Neko: Ooooh
Niky: We don't have a lot of Irie fan fic much so yeah... this is gonna be good!
Neko: Oh oh oh! I hope interesting things happen!