Reviews for いたずらの神の血オオカミ-Blood Wolf of the God of Mischief
Phlogiston Man chapter 17 . 5/16/2014
There are a few problems with this. These chapters are way too short. A chapter needs to be a lot more than just a few paragraphs. A 6,000 word story is enough for one or maybe two chapters at most. Splitting that up into 17 chapters means that the reader needs to do too much stopping and starting. It also makes it seem more like a series of connected snippets instead of a single continuous narrative.
The story also moves way too quickly for the reader to get invested into and attached to the characters. We get no introduction to Jamie, and that means we don't care about her as a character. To the reader she's just a name. It also means that the reader has no clue why Loki cares about her at all. You obviously care about her, considering that her name is the same as your username, but you need to realize that the reader doesn't have that same connection to her that you do.
The use of Undercommon is also a big problem. Including the translations in another chapter means that the reader needs to keep switching back and forth between chapters to actually understand the dialogue. Ideally, you should write the dialogue in English and mention that the character is actually speaking Undercommon. If you're going to write in Undercommon and then translate it, keep the translation close so that the reader isn't interrupted as much when the stop to find and read it.
Overall, the writing has a very disjointed feel to it. The descriptions aren't very good or in depth, and the writing doesn't flow well. I'd recommend that you get some more practice writing longer, slower stories. Try to write more description. Lack of description and overly fast pacing are two of the biggest problems a lot of novice writers have. Your spelling in the story is much better than your profile, but there were still a few errors. Always remember to proofread and, if possible, get one of your friends to proofread it as well and give constructive criticism.