|Reviews for Burden of the Hourglass|
| Windninja1000 chapter 12 . 2/27
Great chapter, can't wait till the next chapter! :D
| GenetiX23 chapter 12 . 1/24
Isn't Fu basically Naruto's age? Not that I care all that much, I'm just a bit unsure of why you aged her up...if you even did. Bit hazy on the specifics.
Also wondering if this is a gen fic, because I'm not reading Yaoi.
| dilbag36 chapter 12 . 1/24
Very good time travel the same as many other time travel stories chose like go back in time some do something some. choose not to do anything different that kind of thing is boring. your story has a thrill reader do not know what will happen in next chapter. do update new chapters.
| 9tail chapter 12 . 12/29/2014
can't wait for the next chapter. will itachi join their little group? will kakashi get the full story and sorta yet not become an ally. will naruto start the his clan name again and sort of make his own hidden village to become hokaga. i can't wait to find out.
| Firedon chapter 5 . 12/24/2014
Seems nice so far, although the end with Karin was pretty rushed.
| Slicerness chapter 5 . 12/5/2014
Naruto proves himself to be an absolutely ruthless fighter here. I like that, it's a nice change of pace. Granted I really think Naruto should be showing more fatigue than he does right now, because he should still be fairly weak, but still, good combat.
The bonding with Karin was also oddly quick, and because of it it lacked the emotional impact I'm sure you were going for. It could probably use some expanding.
| Slicerness chapter 4 . 12/5/2014
The cameo with Karin was expected but a nice scene, though the Jounin just seemed like a creeper. No real evidence to back that up, maybe I'm just being overly genre savvy.
Naruto and Gaara's friendship continues to be slow but well crafted. I also like how you included the detail that Naruto should be better at sealing but couldn't learn the Uzumaki stuff because it was destroyed before he got it. Makes sense, and leaves things just vague enough to include other scrolls and techniques that were there before but Pein made unusable, if you so choose.
I feel the Plot is slowing down a bit, this chapter seemed a bit more fillery than any of the previous ones, but shit gets done and important things happen so I'm going to ignore that feeling as false.
| Slicerness chapter 3 . 12/5/2014
Naruto's... er, well I don't want to call it /seduction/ because that has some other implications, so we'll just call it recruitment, was pretty much perfect. It had to be slow, had to be just a little bit at a time, and that's exactly what it was. The fact that he sorta forgot about Aime is a bit of an issue though, unless she's still around and she has chakra stored for the long haul, so it wasn't so much he dispelled her, as she had been around - and was still around - for so long he'd just put it out of his mind and left it up to the clone on what to do. That's going to be an interesting set of memories to get one day, if that's the case.
Naruto's clone going to the temple doesn't quite make any sense, but the entire subplot was a great way to flesh out Kakashi's mental habits a bit, give a reason and method why shadow clones can stick around so long, and even showed that Naruto's Henge isn't infallible; that last one being incredibly important.
| Slicerness chapter 2 . 12/5/2014
That stuff I mentioned I needed to do? First step is fix my sleep schedule, which involves staying up for 48 hours so I'm not going to bed at 7AM and waking up at 2PM anymore. I'm rapidly approaching that point of being utterly useless due to tiredness, so I'm afraid this review will be a bit shorter than the first.
Naruto's ploy and disguise were very well handled. He really does have a gift for weaving a tale and playing a role (or two, or even three, in this case). The way the enemy nins were killed should have been a pretty big tip off something was off about the kids, but that Naruto realized this and made steps to explain it away was a very good idea on your part. That the Jounin didn't question it too hard because he'd just been attacked by his family, was made clear and was a nice show of how the characters are very much human; they make mistakes and get caught up in their own issues.
Nice to see Gaara appear too, even if only briefly. What I really liked though was Naruto gently nudging Kankuro towards his future path a bit earlier and giving Temari a few tips. I hope that means they'll be a bit more powerful than in canon, or maybe even result in Kankuro carrying around a sketch book to jot down ideas, while Temari would be less dependent on her fan. Little rocks in a pond making bigger ripples, and all that.
| Slicerness chapter 1 . 12/5/2014
Hey, Casey asked for a second opinion in reviewing this fic and since the summary grabbed my attention I accepted the offer. Initially I was going to review all the chapters at once when I reached the end of the fic, but some things have come up and I'll be pretty busy for the next little while, so I'll have to do this per chapter when I can, if you don't mind.
This chapter was good, it gave a good amount of detail while keeping the bulk a mystery; though if a single clone and a layered Henge made Naruto's coils protest enough to start aching I think the actual fight he had a few hours later should have left him exhausted and in quite a bit of pain. I realize the chapter, at least in regards to Naruto, ends right after the fight so there's no real chance to see this, but seeing as I'm actually making my way through chapter 3 right now, I can say it's not even mentioned in the next chapter when it picks back up again. Even if it's inconsequential, a line or two about the fatigue brought about from the fight, or even just a grimace in memory, would have went a long way in defining Naruto's current limits.
As for the action scene itself, it was well done and well paced, Naruto's pre-knowledge of the opponents was used perfectly, while not making him look like too much of a braggart or arrogant; he maintained his story just as he should have, and passed along the message he intended in the first place, as opposed to getting sentimental and making mistakes. Speaks well of his competency.
Oh, the fact that Naruto is able to just disconnect the people wearing his friend's faces from the people he sees playing in the playground now was a really refreshing touch. I mean that should probably come back to bite him later when he has some down time to really think, since he's repressing, but still, for the moment, it's a refreshing change from getting very emotional.
Also, I had the weirdest nitpick about the grammar in one specific part. There's a scene where Sarutobi is 'tempted to hit Danzo for such an offense', and all I could think was 'strike' would work SO much better in place of 'hit' and I literally had to take a break so my mind wouldn't become obsessed with it.
| Casey W chapter 9 . 12/5/2014
Okay. Finally got back to reading this again. And... quite frankly I'm having trouble keeping at it. Part of it might be the fic not matching my own personal tastes. There's also another general problem in that the children in this don't read anything like children. For Naruto and Gaara that makes a little sense (though Gaara is the most childlike character). But you could tell me Karin was in her late teens and I would believe it based on what I've read so far. But even so that may be more of a symptom of the biggest problem.
None of these characters feel like people. I said Naruto doesn't feel like Naruto but I think more than that he doesn't feel like anything. We aren't shown enough of his character to get invested in it. We don't know what drove him to go back. Just that he did and he was very prepared. We get a single good character moment for him and that was the fight with Iruka and co. We need more than that to get truly invested in his activities. As it is he just looks like a tool. A hammer to drive in all the errant nails of the elemental nations. Again, of all the characters, Gaara has had the most character defining moments of the story. Hell, I skimmed chapter seven and you gave him another one.
So if I had to give a suggestion on how to improve this, I'd say focus less on what they do. A little less on who they are. And spend a lot more time on why they are. Neo Naruto we know little about. Karin we know little about (you named a character that never uttered a word before dying, USE THAT CHARACTER) and Han we know nothing about. Give us backstory. Understanding of how who they were made them who they are.
I linked Slicerness to this fic so he can give a second opinion independent from mine. I didn't tell him my impressions so it's 100% his opinion.
| Casey W chapter 2 . 11/30/2014
Okay! Two chapters down. First impressions time!
The coming back in time thing is fine. Better than most, in fact. Far too few authors bother with the massive disorientation of becoming a child again. I'd've liked to see him marvel at how fit and energetic he was at that age if he lived to middle age. Going from that age where your bones start to creak when you walk to six years old must feel like becoming Superman. Hell, I'm only 25 and I'd at least feel like Aquaman being that age again. I also like that he's pretty jaded about the here-and-now and focuses entirely on the future. Going back in time I imagine would leave you ignoring the bad you're doing now in favour of focusing on stopping the bad still to come. And I appreciate your incorporating that attitude.
There is a problem with it thus far though. It doesn't feel like Naruto. Yes, there's some leeway with the character when he lived for several decades that we didn't see (and he apparently acted different to canon in the first run). But even so, there has to be some kernel of the original character for readers to see and go 'Yeah, that's Naruto, alright.' So far, I haven't seen that. The chess metaphor in particular seems entirely out of place for him. Naruto was never a chessmaster. Or a checkersmaster. Hell, I bet he'd be rubbish at tic-tac-toe.
Moving on. Retelling events is apparently a sticking point for a surprising number of writers. The last guy asking for critique had the same problem if in a slightly different way. He was focused on recapping the events for the reader and ignored the in-story audience reaction. While you wrote the recap for the purpose of manipulating the audience (Yura)'s reaction, you seemed to have stopped halfway. Daichi's part worked but Aime felt a bit too clinical for comfort. Not much sense of regret or remorse in the portrayal which would be required to con Yura. Also, Daichi recovered from his 'first kill' pretty quick if he's cool to dish out some sage advice.
And finally one of the minor quibbles I'm so fond of. If Naruto was as experienced as claimed, he would be able to work out cardinal directions from the time of day and position of the sun.
Alright. First two down. I'mma take a break from this for a bit and get back to it another day. Good show so far.
| MissSexyRain chapter 2 . 11/29/2014
He found Gaara finally!
| MissSexyRain chapter 1 . 11/29/2014
I love time travel fics :) This is off to a interesting start.
| Kamil the Awesome chapter 12 . 11/21/2014
Oh man. I'm excited to see how they escape Taki and I'm curious about who'll they'll go after next. My bet is on Utakata.