|Reviews for Ripple in Time|
| Yuuki no Yuki chapter 4 . 7/7/2015
Kk, you asked for specifics in the review so I'll give you that (as a writer I know there is nothing more annoying than criticism with no rhyme or reason).
First, I'll start off by saying; I love the concept, there are so few OCXA (or E) pairings to begin with and the characterization of Becca is both interesting and original.
That being said there are a few things you need to work on to take this fic from "good" to "great." I'm going to go over a few below, but I want to preface that your fic is good. I enjoyed it. And I only noticed half of this stuff, because I was looking for it-because none of your other reviewers bothered to do so.
Okay, onto the critique (that sounds mean...sorry)
1.) Your pacing is really off. The prologue was a prologue so its fine that nothing really happened there. But chapters 2 and 3 occur over, roughly, a 3 month period. Yet no time feels as if its passed at all. This is most likely due to the word count, or the POV you chose. By switching between so many characters' POVs, you are essentially grounding yourself to one day/week/etc. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing. I, myself, have done the same thing multiple times. It's just a dangerous technique to use so early as it limits character and plot development.
2.) Your Author's notes. While it is fine to leave the notes as you did, it can be aggravating to read the whole chapter, think there is over 2K words left, and run into another A/N. Now this is a moment of the Pot calling the Kettle Black, seeing as I totally do this myself. But I'm speaking from experience-and my own reviews-when I say the reader's don't appreciate it. You already made your feeling's on reviews clear, no need to repeate it.
3.) Becca's voice. You effectively switched from 3rd POV with the Uzumaki parents to 1st POV with Becca which highlights the change in voice, which is fine. Except Becca doesn't really have any voice. What does she stand for? What does she believe? Feel strongly about? Etc. You can't tell in Chp 3. All we get is a play-by-play of Becca's life from age 10 onwards. But, aside from some discomfort at the idea of living in her parents shadows, there was no real emotional response. Despite the fact that her parents were-aparently-killed infront of her. Just a reputation of the facts, and not even in a manor thay suggests a flashback .
4.) Spacing. From a purely aesthetic view-point, large blocks of words are daunting. Breaking them up further would, therefore, look better.
And more, I'm sure. But it's late on this end, so I'm off to bed. Hope this review was what you were looking for.
| Arcami chapter 4 . 1/21/2015
the spacing is screwed up
| BloodyGrim chapter 3 . 7/31/2014
Update please. I want to know what happens next.
| Guest chapter 2 . 5/22/2014
update more chapters
| Arcami chapter 2 . 3/14/2014
finally, its out I'm interested to see how this turns out. also is Kurisuna a rel person or is that actually Kushina instead?
| Strife666 chapter 2 . 3/14/2014
i hope that you will make this longer to read.
| Strife666 chapter 1 . 3/14/2014