|Reviews for Mass Effect Pathways: Black Tides|
| MizDirected chapter 25 . 3/11
stepping forward before Tali could finish, - the edges Shepard's omni-shield, which he'd activated an instant earlier to - Here, in this section, the thing to do is activate the shield earlier. Telling us afterwards makes us repaint the picture after the fact. So he could yank them back behind his omnishield. Easy peasy.
"I am pretty bad at not doing that," he deadpanned, - awkwardly phrased. Keep it simple.
he focused on the remaining assassin. - I haven't seen two at this point.
Long fight with the assassins is long. But you know me and my fightscene ADD. What did this fight add to the story? What story did it tell? That is the stuff we need from fights, not the blow by blow, because frankly, I can't form a picture of where all the blows are going anyway. It harkens back to the fights in the first novel.
Dun dun DUUUUNNN. So, at last an answer or two. Excellent. Glad they got a solid lead that not only leads them somewhere, but makes some connections. Very good. A solid chapter with my fave thing ... answers!
| ArchReaperN7 chapter 25 . 3/9
Forgive my poor memory, but Dr. Chenrich and the dead Reaper was back in Pathways, wasn't it? If so, this is quite a shocking revelation indeed!
Now, aside from a few spelling mistakes, this chapter was pretty much gold. Not much combat or much going on, but considering the twist at the end, I think this chapter earned it. Shit has hit the fan! And as much as I like the Ria arc and focus, I'd love to see more Tali/Shep scenes.
Oh, concrit, right. Uh...well this is awkward.
Nothing really negative I can say aside from one nonsensical plot point with cameras on Omega (can't imagine that shithole having cameras). But...honestly? I could nitpick for days or materialize negatives from thin air, but would that be fair or legitimate? I don't think so.
Suffice to say, I'm leaving this chapter on a good note. Awesome work!
Final verdict: 10/10
| Joryn282 chapter 2 . 3/8
Good second chapter. You kept the actions scenes short and succinct, which is good. Also adding a new type of enemy was a good touch. The blending with shadows should have an interesting explanation to it. I see you kept all the characters from the last story on board of the Invisible. Nice bit of continuity there. In regards to your author note, don't be afraid to make shorter chapters if you think it will make the chapter better, like a better place to leave off.
As far as crit goes, I mostly saw a lot of misplaced words and misspellings. Otherwise good.
Good story with a fun premise. Keep up the good work and keep improving.
| Mr. Snarks chapter 3 . 3/4
A very moody chapter. You created a very provoking atmosphere, which introduced and concluded it very well. Even though I haven't read the preceding story I feel like you fleshed out the characters in subtle but defined ways so I never felt alienated by them. Looking forward to the rest of it!
| Joryn282 chapter 1 . 2/26
I can honestly say I've seen a lot of improvement in your writing here. Everything reads more smoothly than before. It's good to see. You also did a good job re-establishing the connection between Ria and her father, showing their relationship, and their relaxed humor with each other.
Only critical thing I have is there were a few missed words throughout the chapter. Nothing terrible, my brain almost automatically filled in the blanks. Really, that is it. Well done on this chapter and continue improving.
| bluekrishna chapter 8 . 2/23
"...half expecting enemies to burst from it at any moment.." extra period
"Bursting in is probably not the best idea..." too many uses of the same word: Bursting. vary it to keep the prose fresh.
"Lets be smart for once..." *Let's
"Its that or it is an AI..." *It's
"That was a minute ago" no end punctuation
"Oh shit ..." the first mercenary said." this ellipses has no punctuation. there should be a comma at the end of it. like: ...,
"It's Shepard." and then they all crapped themselves. looooooool
"...adrenaline fueled rreflexes ..." there's an extra 'r' here.
"He could be afriad of what ifs later..." *afraid
"Its a shipping manifest..." *It's
"...we know where ExoGeni's research facility it," *is
"Whats the status like out there." *What's. also, this is an interrogative, so it should end in a question mark.
"Well..." she said to him, ..." missing space between 'well' and the ellipses. and ellipses missing punctuation.
"I guess we won" no end punctuation.
"...needed, but... people got hurt over this." missing space between 'but' and ellipses.
"Ria sigh." *sighed
"...echoing far away life the drumbeats of an ..." *like
so, again, lots of little errors, but no real major ones. did we lose our beta?
anyway, the plot thickens, though it seems our intrepid pair are finally getting somewhere in the solving of this mystery. very interesting. like the few touches of humor here and there. especially the 'oh shit. it's shepard.' gave me a gigglesnort.
| MizDirected chapter 24 . 2/17
Your writing cleaned up considerably from last chapter. This one was much easier to read, and the grammar etc. was a lot tighter. Kudos on that.
an safehouse - a ... an is for words beginning in a vowel.
And if the Shadowbroker's communications are being intercepted ... Omega is not such a big place that given several hours of lead time, the bad guys couldn't find the safe house without knowing the exact location. That is was encryption is for. Rotating encryption even. QEC comms are also untraceable sooo ... that would be a plan when possible. Surely they've come up with some sort of more portable QEC in twenty years. :D
it couldn't be healthy walled off from all outside contact.-yes, because there is no possible way they could have gone to see her. *facedesk*
assailants Tali had stunned. Three shots rang out, the man falling in a crumbled heap. - plural assailants, but one man falls.
No matter how well encrypted, streaming data over a constant signal can be traced, Shepard," - ummm not that it mattered. She's still the worst Shadow Broker ever.
"Please, Shepard, who do you think your talking to? - the Shadowbroker who didn't even know she had a mole.
Okay so another dead end. Sure, there is a little bit leading forward, but honestly, this is seeming never ending. Every chapter leads to another chapter of chasing after something then the next and the next. No answers, just more endless leads. It's exhausting.
And wouldn't there have been any dead skull dudes? If not, Liara needs way better agents. Seriously. Or offer some training or something. Really, the worst ShadowBroker ever.
The whole way through this chapter, I was asking why ... why is she so bad at her job and still doing it? I think Shepard should be asking this as well. Yup. Shepard ... start asking why. Seriously dude. :D
| bluekrishna chapter 7 . 2/13
"For several minute they made their way ..." *minutes. i'd also put a comma after 'minutes' just for a natural pause.
" ...activating her her comms." extra 'her'
"Ah so thats why." *that's
"...do you see any others." interrogative should have a question mark.
"... daughter's gotten this lazy. -this doesn't have end quotes.
okay, there's just so many small technical errors throughout this chapter. missing commas, missing apostrophes, missing quotation marks. so i won't list them all. this needs a fine combing to weed them all out. and some awkward phrasing that could be pared down to make it cleaner, less ambiguous and more natural.
so that's it for the small stuff. no big whoop.
the story however, is your trademark 'keep'em guessing' delayed gratification style. i like that. teasing us only makes us more intrigued as an audience. ria's in fine form and it's also gratifying to see her fighting with dear old dad. kicking ass together and all. so sweetly awesome.
i just realized i missed ria. and when you can get a reader to care, then the job's half done! cheers!
| ilego chapter 23 . 2/8
i am working on Facebook page
| ArchReaperN7 chapter 23 . 2/4
An intriguing chapter (yes, I jumped ahead because I've been following this story for quite awhile already).
This chapter was a nice change from the pace I'm used to. The rest of the story has mostly been conversation-based or full of action, which is awesome, but a chapter that is simply there to flesh out the plot can be just as useful as a combat-based chapter.
I like the mystery you've placed behind the technology they found; its obviously not Reaper tech, as any fan would know they didn't need those machines to control someone, but its on the same level as prothean tech; this means you've put the enemy to a level that isn't as high as the Reapers, and you're not trying to best them by coming up with some ridiculous villain just to heighten the odds; which is good. I was bit disappointed when you went for the whole 'Cerberus is the enemy' post-war enemy idea that many have adopted, but it was executed well, and this story's new enemy is not only, I assume, your own creation, its an imaginative one.
I can't wait for the next chapter. I like how the crew is questioning Ria, and how she's questioning herself, and while I'd like more Tali/Shepard centric sections, I know this is Ria's story and that there are plenty more fanfics to read with Tali/Shep centric areas, so I won't complain on it. As for negatives, I couldn't really locate any worth mentioning, aside from the odd typo or lack of grammar, but that's not really worth pointing out, so I'm letting it slide.
Keep this stuff up! You're one of my favourite authors!
| mordreek chapter 23 . 1/27
We keep what we kill...FOR SCIENCE! Got to love the awkward romance between Ria and Daron.
| MizDirected chapter 23 . 1/26
I like that you are trying to bond the crew a little more and bring in some of the side characters. It is a step in the right direction. I love how original your ideas are ... I mean ... yay for that. They're fresh and weird and scary ... and I love all of that. This new old who knows what tech stuff is great. I'm excited to see where you are going.
First, the chapter reads a bit long. Just saying. It is a lot to give an in depth review on, so you might get more reviews with more to say if the chapters weren't so daunting. People don't generally want to dedicate an hour or two to reviewing a chapter.
I hate to say it, but the banter in this chapter made me wonder what happened to the last several chapters. It's slapdash, slapstick, not even in character some of the time, awkward, stilted, and disrespectful.
Ria is a leader. -wish I could BOLD that
As much as she wants to hang with her friends and be a stupid teenager, she can't. Jokes sure, but especially the beginning of the chapter was just one long *face desk*.
You've been doing so well with the dialogue that the transition back to 14 year old cliché humour was disappointing.
But basically, you need to get her back in command. There has to be a distance, and stuff like Laura questioning her decisions and staring at her like she is a silly child cannot just get left.
His expression seemed oddly pensive to Ria's eyes, as if the biotic was lost in thought. - He seemed lost in thought would do. Too wordy by far, which is a thing throughout the entire chapter.
Making her way over to him, Daron stirred at her presence, subtlety shifting over in a silent invitation for her to join him - This sentence needs help. It's a mess. Read it out loud. You change the subject of the sentence in the middle.
up with a human for a father, she still had trouble at times reading their body language. - sorry, but she would know her father's every tick. If you're as close as they were, she would know.
"Just thinking," Daron replied, taking no heed of her remark. - what? first of all, he answered her, so he is heeding it ... and second, that is his POV. Then Ria shrugs at his silence... when he spoke.
You need a plan at least, something the others can follow should you die to continue the mission. - should she die to continue the mission?
The route he took them on was far from the shortest one, looping around through the outer edge of the complex. - how does she know if it the shortest route? It's a top secret base, she wouldn't have floor plans for it.
When had her life become so unexciting and mundane? - what? She just about died because some creepy tried to turn her into a zombie thing.
Check your dialogue tags, some aren't formatted correctly.
The thing about flying colours... you do NOT tell a professional contact, someone who has to have some faith in your professionalism and competency that you were ... okay. "Thank you, it was an honour to work with Spectre _" is the correct response if you want to be taken seriously.
"Allow me to introduce my friends. - no. NO! This is not a group of teenagers going to the mall. She is introducing her crew to a professional contact. She's acting like a 14 year old.
Okay, for the length of the chapter, not much happens and nothing moves anywhere. There is some banter, an inconclusive moment with Daron, more banter, then they find out nothing about the tech. This in itself, wouldn't be a bad thing, but it could use a good cut down to take out the repeats of words and ideas, and the banter could ease up somewhat as well. It would definitely benefit from a 10 year age upgrade.
Sorry I don't have more of my usual praise for this one, but it fell back into a lot of things that I haven't seen from you in a while. :( It needs a clean up and to get Ria back in charge and acting like a professional leader and Spectre again. :)
| Admiral Anderson chapter 23 . 1/26
Mordin and Grelin should've come along, following in their dad's footsteps of scaring salarians. Another bonding moment between Ria and Darron? At this point some of the others have to start taking notice of that;)
| MizDirected chapter 22 . 1/12
Lots of talking. The Council will never change, apparently. They have a point about being prepared, but of course, they never take any sort of precautions.
I liked that Ria broke the escalation of rar between her father. I also liked the level of self awareness that she showed about what could have happened to her with that thingee. She's starting to mature. I did feel that with all her laughing and smiling... actually, everyone laughing and smiling so much throughout ... that people might not be taking things as seriously as they could. There are other expressions, other actions, other vocalizations that might express things a little more the way you intend.
* *We found the dig site the Council provided ExoGeni with. - never end a sentence on a preposition. This sentence needs to be reordered.
* *Her mother laughed as she finished, a smile filling the silver glow of her eyes - how can she see a smile in a silver reflection?
* *Some less important matters were discussed, but Ria found she could not easily breach the distance that had formed since when she and her father had last departed. - would be good to remind me here of why there is a distance. I don't recall. It's been too long.
* *A click accompanied Core's replied, - reply
* * You repeat things a lot throughout. Things like, "There, we can talk privately now." There and now do the same thing, so it reads off. "And what if you refuse then?" is the same thing. Either use and or them, not both. It happens quite a lot throughout.
Good chapter that advanced character stuff. Look forward to the next.
| Vorcha Girl chapter 1 . 1/7
Wow - what a great first chapter! I don't often have the pleasure of reading something that pulls me in so quickly, and especially not with an OC main character. I'll be honest, I normally don't read fics with OC main characters at all and I very rarely like them. But I loved this.
Your writing is beautiful. It flows, it's easy to follow and it wonderfully descriptive without being overbearing. I could picture everything perfectly as well as get a really good feel for your main character. Considering that I haven't read your original story, I'm honestly surprised that I enjoyed this and understood it as well as I did, but it was easy to pick up and I just sank into the words and the story.
I don't have anything negative to say or nitpick at in this fic. You dialogue (which is what I find a lot of fanfic authors struggle with) flowed beautifully and I liked both the way you started your story off, and how you introduced your characters. Lovely job! :)