|Reviews for Crimson Snow|
| RavenclaWriteRules chapter 4 . 5/17
Curious, this Black Angst. I wonder what her name means, in that case... This reminds me of my favorite manga Majin Tantei Nougami Neuro. She kinda sounds like Ai or maybe Aya Asia. IDK, I'm a dork. Update soon!
| RavenclaWriteRules chapter 3 . 5/17
Interesting...the reasoning behind BB is a little far but logical, I guess. If L is asking her for help with the case, does that mean she was ranked as number three, behind A and B? That's an interesting thought. I like how you finished that up.
| RavenclaWriteRules chapter 2 . 5/17
I remember when I read about Quarter Queen's death. It was so horrendous. To my knowledge Mibaki isn't exactly a common Japanese name, but I wonder if it has some significant meaning, along with Crimson Snow (in that case, would her name be Akai-yuki or something? Red-snow? I feel like a noob) which makes this story awesomer. And since Mello and Near's nicknames came from an amalgamation of their real names (Nate River to Near, sorry if this is spoielrs) maybe they'd call her Crow, but I like how you already got the letter CS down. Sorry, I'm no trying to be nitpicky, I just like to talk about this stuff, so far I'm enjoying this. I also like how you remembered to include the voice synthesizer! Good, important detail!
| RavenclaWriteRules chapter 1 . 5/17
I like your story idea, it sounds very curious, and good job about getting A and B facts right. L is just a few years older than B, right? And A was like, number one at Wammy's, so he'd be pretty famous, I guess. I'm not sure L would have really been externally emotionla but I guess at a younger age it would have made sense for him to be slightly more sensitive.
| god of all chapter 4 . 4/7/2014
Great chapter and story so far please continue this story .
| peddie-obsessed1.0 chapter 4 . 4/6/2014
Update soon :)
| The High Queen Of Angst chapter 4 . 4/6/2014
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my goodness gracious! This is so amazingly well done! You had me from start to finish! Amazing work. Simply amazing. I bow to your mad skill, Unicorn Princess.
| berriesscratch chapter 2 . 4/6/2014
' Beyond Birthday, on the other hand, had gone completely insane. He had always been slightly unhinged but A's death had driven him over the edge. He left Wammy House as soon as he had turned 16. I can't say I was sorry to see him go.'
I'm sorry but I think you gave B absolutely no characterization here. Just calling him "slightly unhinged" and then jumping to "completely mad" doesn't really tell us what happened.
The same with 'Crimson Snow'. Apparently she 'tried to build skills as possible' then left Wammy's at 16, with zero development between. You don't tell us how smart she is; you DO tell us that she 'becomes a private' and works on cases that 'prime detectives' don't touch.
The point I'm trying to make is that your characters have no depth. Right now, Crimson has no distinguishable personality- heck, I don't even know what she looks like yet. The only vibe I'm getting from her is a sort of shallow one. I don't see HOW this girl, orphaned at seven, can suddenly become a 'private [detective]' and start working on apparently brain-breakingly hard-to-solve cases. I don't know where she works from, I don't know anything about her since SHE HAS NO PERSONALITY SO FAR.
I'm sorry if you're skimming through my messy paragraphs and thinking that I'm some stuck-up flamer. I'm trying to help here.
| berriesscratch chapter 1 . 4/6/2014
I kind of think this is in need of at least a little constructive criticism.
First of all, 'Crimson Snow' is a bit of a Mary-Sueish name- no offense, of course, but I have seen a LOT of Mary Sues floating around the DN archive- most of them had similar names (Sapphire, Amethyst, [elaborate Japanese name], Samantha, and I think I've seen a 'Huntress' at one point).
Secondly: your grammatical errors. I myself am not exactly an expert when it comes to grammar, but there's some flaws I can't help but feel are glaring right out of the screen at me.
'"Neither do I." He said.' " But, it is a part of life that is[..] Anyway, I have to go now. Watari is waiting."
Then he walked away.
Okay- things wrong with the way you arranged L's speech here.
["Neither do I." He said.] At the end of his speech, there should be a comma rather than a period. Same goes for the 'He said'. Should be a lower-case H and a comma in the place of the period. I changed it to what I would have done along these lines:
"Neither do I," he said, averting his gaze to stare at the carpet, "but it's a part of life that is unavoidable. People- they were made to die." He said it with such certainty that it was fairly chilling, then looked back up. "It's fact; you shouldn't dwell too much on death anyway. It's not important as the way you keep yourself alive, because that's all that's going to be left of us when we're gone. I have to go," he added suddenly. "Watari is waiting."
Sorry to dwell on one piece of your chapter, but that's how I would have written it.
I know I changed his wording, but I think that you include a lot of unnecessary tidbits in your sentences. Only stick to the facts, what NEEDS to be said/thought, and what's going on around your character.
Why was this girl accepted into Wammy's? She doesn't exactly say 'genius' to me- she just gives off Wangsty vibes. She was in the car with her parents, they crashed it, they died. She goes to Wammy's.
Why? Does she have some sort of super-genius mind that nobody had picked up on until her parents died? You've left a rather gaping plot hole there.
.. you know, I could just rewrite this chapter and stick it here, but that's not my job. Look around- I think this story needs a bit of beta-ing.
| peddie-obsessed1.0 chapter 3 . 4/2/2014
Please update soon :)
| The High Queen Of Angst chapter 3 . 4/1/2014
Oh my goodness gracious! Will there be more?! Will there be MORE?! O.O
| The High Queen Of Angst chapter 2 . 4/1/2014
O.O ...aw man...SOOOOOO good! And YOU are complementing ME on MY writing skills? You are amazing friend. Truly... I bow to your awesomness. xD
| DarkWhispers112 chapter 2 . 4/1/2014
Oh my gosh its soo good. I like how you introduce L espesh in the first chapter, DONT give up on this story :)
| Anarchipluvian Tears chapter 2 . 4/1/2014
ITS SOOOO GOOD! I know you like just pt this out but UPDATE SOON! MUST HAVE MORE XD
| The High Queen Of Angst chapter 1 . 3/30/2014
*mouth gapes open in stunned silence* I...love this SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much! Favorite. And Follow. Because you had better continue! xD