Reviews for Amnesia
Appna chapter 2 . 11/22/2017
I only had one chapter published for review exchange but I'm too into this right now to wait.

My break from immersion earlier was not because it was wrong(in a bad way), it was because hoppity creeped me out a little before I realized that she creeped me out. I couldn't identify the feeling I got until…

[{Yes!} Hoppity reared up excitedly, gesturing with her paws. {It' pyramid, a hierarchy, the human is using pokemon who use attacks. Defeat the pokemon, there are more pokemon, it takes longer. Defeat the human, win! Cut off the head. Best them all in one victory. Be the best.}]

Hoppity is just low-key kinda scary smart.
Appna chapter 1 . 11/22/2017
This is part of the review exchange for Food Effects, let's begin!

I really love the feeling of being fed bits of information about the environment at large by the characters, the context slowly builds with small keywords here and there. I don't feel like I'm having my immersion interrupted by the narrator bringing extra revelation to the plot. However…

[Hoppity digested this. {But other trainers...don't care if you want to stay or go?}]

This partially made me feel like hoppity was way too smart. Fantastic digestive capabilities! Or my metabolism is too slow on the uptake. Either way for such a small detail it's not really that big of a deal, it just caused me to wake up from the trance I was in while reading is all. Though, it made for a nice segue into the morality of humankind and the condition of their relationship with pokémon at large.

Loved the raticate translation, fantastic.

Now I'm kinda dying to figure out what this pokémon is! — this particular feeling almost became exhausting, if that's what you wanted - you did it. Next chapter, please.
SpontaneousFangurl chapter 3 . 8/14/2017
Mew is a lot meaner than I thought. I'd honestly always imagined them as eternally curious creatures, always willing to learn and never holding grudges. It's like their isolation rendered them immune to outside influences. Your interpretation, however, seems more gritty and realistic than mine, which in comparison seems awfully idealistic. It's an interesting contrast.

If Giovanni has a Mew, okay. If he has a Mewtwo, I have to wonder how the - Rapidash, I'm assuming? Not very clear - managed to mistake a Mewtwo for a Mew. They look quite different.

I enjoyed the little background section on electric-types; adds a feel of depth to the world/setting.

Oookay, wow. Took me a minute to place the object as a Voltorb, I'm assuming? My first thought was "landmine... the color of a Pokeball?" so I say I got pretty far. I do hope this isn't the ending of the story though! Death by explosion seems like a rather cheap way out, and although it ties nicely with the start of the work (mew was burned, probably by explosion, I'm assuming?) this kind of cycle wouldn't be common, per se. I mean, a legenday like Mew strikes me as a Pokemon that would be able to, at one point, walk out of an explosion without suffering major brain damage memory loss. Hope you get back to this someday if it isn't the end!

And oh, wow, I thought I was mean 0_0 a pop by the review section shows that you've gathered enemies, I see. Well, again, I think this story has potential. It needs refinement, but so do most stories. I just hope it didn't end with an explosion. This ending feels slightly cheap - like you didn't want to write any more. If you're going to end by cutting everything short, add more detail so the reader is forced to get attached to your characters. I honestly know nothing about Miki, and only feel for the Mew in the last scene, mainly because I dislike Miki for catching a Mew like it was no big deal _
SpontaneousFangurl chapter 2 . 8/14/2017
It irks me that she named a Mew "Hoppity" but hasn't named her other Pokemon, but the anger will pass... Liking the conflict of ethics. I'm on Hoppity's side here, although it's also surprising that, despite all the realizations about the pyramid of unfairness, she's still willing to tag along with Miki and try on their rules. Also, my image of a wholly innocent Mew is shattered.

Just a note: the "she"'s are confusing, especially in the section, [knocking the wind out of her. sHe rolled onto her side and smacked it with her tail]. First, I have to realize that the "she" is referring to the Charmander. Then, I bring this assumption to the next line, all the time keeping in mind that "it" is the wild Growlithe. Nothing about this phrasing is wrong, but it'd be much easier to understand if you substituted a few pronouns for their correct titles. I do have to admit that the confusing phrasing helps add to a mysterious atmosphere, intentional or not, so there's that.
SpontaneousFangurl chapter 1 . 8/14/2017
Okay, first off, sentence variety. Especially with how sentences are started. It could be intentional, but if it's not, I recommend checking with CrtlF for repitition or just scanning words immediately after periods and making sure that not every sentence begins with a noun because, let's be honest, almost every sentence can start with a noun. So, the less noun starts you have, the better off you'll be when you finally do fall back on a noun to start a sentence.

Also, all the "it"'s are really confusing. If it's stylistic choice and you'd like to keep it, totally fine, but I'm struggling here (Jeez I sound mean). Just consider more details and less statements, unless that's the style you're going for. Details help clarify things for the reader, and although I arguably go overboard with details, I do believe that they're vital to any good story (except one shots. Which is probably why I almost never read one shots).

Compliment time: inter-pokemon dialogue always hits the spot. The personalities are well-expressed despite snippy dialogue, which is pretty much ideal. Loved the part with the translator. I personally avoid translators myself - talking Pokemon seems weird, still - but the Raticate was adorable. Dunno what "facesmash" means, but adorable nonetheless.

Just reached the end, and what. She caught a Mew. What.

Oookay, shock factor over, time for the next chapter!
ShibaInuit chapter 1 . 10/31/2016
The dialogue is bland, filled with run on sentences. Show me any line in the text where a character speaks in a coherent sentence with unified purpose.

The suspense of what "Hoppity" is gets poorly handled. I didn't feel any literary reason to care about what happened to Hoppity and crew before they reached the center. It feels like you built a very capable and interesting world in your head that wasn't transferred well enough into the page.

In your Pokemon world, do people not know all of the species of Pokemon? How does Miki come to know about medicine? If you mentioned this and I missed it, whoops; I didn't care enough to find out because the characters whine about their problems. There's a lot of questions that go unanswered and a lot of questions that I didn't care to know about get answered, like how she manages to cook food (has Machamp do it) or how her Pokemon physically communicate.

4/10, props for trying and general grammatical sense. Good summary.
PokemonFan35 chapter 1 . 9/21/2016

You also capitalize the word Pokemon.
Micah Debrink chapter 3 . 4/15/2016
I won't nitpick at grammar. It's not even worth it, I'm fighting a losing battle. But I do have stuff to say about the content.

It is interesting to see the difference of style between your writing and my writing. You write very directly, with minimal narration and even the narration written was only used for basic descriptions regarding surroundings. Though this can be used to paint a big picture, it can be hard for the reader to visualize without some good "clues" in the text. I tend to write much more discursively, rambling on in long narrations/monologues. While this gives "flavor" to the plot, sometimes I fear I make my stories intense to the point of "numbing" the reader, so your writing is refreshing in that sense.

A cliffhanger is only good if the remainder of the story makes a clear statement that gives context to the cliffhanger. (If I'm missing the "real" point of the story, do enlighten me.)

You tend to convey the emotion through dialog rather than narration, and that is fine. But aside from Hoppity it is hard to see a distinct personality form in each character; 9000 words is plenty of room to see character development. Miki is a typical trainer, her other pokemon are typical pokemon. Nothing special. Instead, I just the see the same characters in some basic situations, like battling, going to the pokemon center, etc.

Overall, in terms of detail, I feel your writing and my writing are on opposing extremes. Mine is too detailed, while this story just seems simple to the point that it's lacking anything that draws the reader in. It's almost like I can read it just fine, everything is clear, but I'm not feeling any emotion, nor am I particularly moved by it.

Thank you for your time, and please do not take this as personal criticism.
Go kill Yourself chapter 1 . 4/11/2016
Dialogue is written as "Hello," she said or "Hello!" she said, never "Hello." She said or "Hello." she said or "Hello," She said or "Hello" she said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, which is a verb describing how the dialogue is said. In that case it's written as "Hello." She grinned, never "Hello," she grinned or "Hello," She grinned or "Hello." she grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," she said. "This is it." not "Hi," she said, "this is it." or "Hi," she said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," she said, "is it." The same punctuation and capitalization rules apply to thoughts, except you don't use quotation marks with thoughts.

Paragraphing has rules. You start a new paragraph with a new subject. The goal is not to divide your story up into even blocks. Also, a new speaker means you start a new paragraph.

You wouldn't capitalize animal or mouse or dragon, so you shouldn't capitalize words like pokemon or pikachu or charizard. The only time you should capitalize it is if you're using it as the pokemon's name, ie, Ash's pikachu is called Pikachu. This is because you only capitalize when it's a proper noun, which are the names of places or things. Similar reasoning should be applied to any other words you're thinking of capitalizing, like telephone or trainer. Or professor.

And names are always capitalized, not just when you feel like it.

Write out numbers with letters.

Generally, be less lazy and actually look things up.
WarsOfShadows chapter 1 . 2/25/2016
Part of the chapter review exchange, please review s/11805139/1/The-Moulding-of-a-Hero in return.
Your grammar and spelling is really good, so I can hardly find any mistakes in your write-up, other than the Pokémon spelling w/out the accent and capital but I know your opinion on that, so leave that aside. Unfortunately, the story seems dull because of the way you're writing; you write small sentences and less of descriptions, and when you do they're not that, let's say, delicious. I think if you describe the surroundings or the state they're in more, then it'll perk up the interest of a much larger audience. For example, I (we all) want to know how Miki looks like, what she's thinking, because I feel that the latter makes the reader 'care' more about the story.
Sometimes in the chapter I feel that you're making it somewhat unrealistic. I suggest condense the speech of a person, and furthermore add reactions to what they're saying too, or even what Miki/any-other-person is doing while they're talking.
I hope you don't take this in the wrong way; I'm not being nitpicky or anything.
Anyway, when you review me, I hope you pick out all the wrongs and also provide a few interesting/good points in the story. Thanks!
Faggotty Farla chapter 1 . 2/24/2016
What the fuck is this shit? Damn, I can't even go through a bloody paragraph, leave a chapter. Farla, congratulations on writing a story as good as your soaking wet panties. Now go act like a tubgirl or eat your own shit, you nasty cunt.
Fuck you, but have a nice day, BIOTCH
Manna Ludmila chapter 3 . 1/5/2016
I read some of your reviews and got interested.

So, Mew, eh? It sure is an unusual way to begin with your story :)

Personally, I like to use Pokémon with the accent better, but I guess that's really up to personal taste. Unfortunaly, while your grammar and spelling is really good, I have to agree with the other reviewer that this feels hollow. I also would capitalize the Pokémon, feels weird somehow, but I kind of know your opinion on that, so I'll just mention it as how I'd do it. I think it helps with immersing into the story.

I believe this is because you mostly use short sentences to describe what's happening outside of people speaking. That's great when it's used for suspense, like that well done cliffhanger you placed this chapter ;)
...But it makes the story hard to read. The action happening feels very stiff.

I suggest spicing it up a little by going into detail with your surroundings, show the way your characters feel with the actions they take and by adding more delicious~ desciptions and adjectives. For example, show us how the people Miki looks like.
Another good way to make readers care is to show us your characters' thoughts!

You can try make it more realistic, by breaking the larger segments of talking into smaller ones. No one talks so much at once in real life. It gives you a good opportunity to add some reactions of the person/Pokémon she's talking to inbetween or show us what Miki's doing while she's saying all that. She could be confidently trusting her fist into the air or thoughtfully rubbing her chin.

After all, this is your world. You want us to experience it too, right?

Perhaps I was more nit-picky here than I usually am. If that happens to be the case, I apologize.
I'm confident that you can handle this, though.
Vile Slanders chapter 1 . 9/17/2015
I have one big complaint.
The story is hollow.
I'm hearing rehearsed lines from the characters, and that is about it.
I'm not connecting with characters, due to a lack of input from their perspectives.
It made this a bitch to read.
Other than that, I see a plot, and even if it was all limited to dialogue, mentioned behaviors did hint at actual personalities.
But you can't just make a character by providing dialogue. Give your audience some exposition on the individual's perspectives, and you could turn this into a story.
Vicious Cabaret chapter 1 . 9/9/2015
I quite enjoyed the set-up for this story and unlike the other reviewers I didn't guess Hoppity's species (well, assuming that their guess is correct of course...). Very curious to see where this is going.
emosewa-13 chapter 1 . 3/6/2015
Hmmmmm. I find this a really interesting premise. Miki seems like an okay protagonist, but I'm really confused on how exactly is she. A regular trainer? Why's she so good at medicine stuff? And Hoppity, already so weak and injured, managed to escape from her pokeball?

And I think you should brush up on your description; I had a really hard time guessing what species Hoppity was, especially with the white fur... Also, I didn't get who was that "blue snake" until Miki said gyarados... I actually pictured a regular ol' snake, except blue.. And I've never seen that pokemon.

Also some things I've noticed:

[{You sleep on the inside,} she said when Hoppity resisted moving,]
Where's the period?

["Charmander, uh..." Fire moves would probably be more effective with it all burned up like that, but that seemed just cruel. Plus, it might be an ice-type. "Headbutt, but try not to hit anything injured."]
So confused. What's the dialogue, what's the thoughts? And one paragraph we're reading Miki's thoughts, the next it's on Hoppity's? Where's the flow and coherence? It was hard to understand and didn't flow as smoothly as I expected.

[She watched Hoppity sip cautiously at the bowl, then nodded to her and return to the food.]
Again, confusion. So if SHE refers to Miki (I don't know, the POV-switching was hard to follow), then shouldn't it be like "then nodded to her and RETURNED to her food"? Or is SHE referring to Hoppity?

["No no, it's just," Miki started. "I can't call you that!"]
Why not? Also, should be "No, no,". And didn't you say in your dialogue thing it should be "Miki started," instead of "Miki started."

Why isn't everyone worried/shocked about finding a legendary?

Weak ending. Just cut it off at a random point, yeah?

(Also for the review exchange please review Chapter Two of How I Saved The World (Sort of).)
36 | Page 1 .. Last Next »