|Reviews for Empress in the shadows reworked|
| soberan 123 chapter 13 . 4/3
So you trying to make some form of Imperium from the Warhammer 40k but less xenophobic and opressive, and instead of have a immortal emperor, they have a immortal empress?
| LordWinter13 chapter 13 . 3/30
Helllo! Where has this jem been hiding? Thank you for the story!
This would've motivated me to make my own OC SG-Empire Builder sooner had i come across it.
PS. Something tells me your Lilith and my oc would hit it off. Just not sure which would be on top. Or if they'd want to kill each other. It would undoubtedly be deliciously complicated though.
| Un Ancien fan chapter 1 . 3/11
Salut question va tu continué ton histoire où pas sltp répond au moins à cette question merci
| LadyIrish chapter 13 . 3/5
So, I've never read the so called "original" Empress in the shadows, and after reading yours I don't think I will. I just don't want to end up comparing the two, I hate that. I think this is a rather well written and well thought out piece of fiction. You have some great ideas, just maybe not as fleshed out as they could be. I agree with one of your reviewers on several of their key points (ps I would take it as a very big complement that someone took that much time comment on something that I wrote, but that's just me). True constructive criticism is hard to come by, but from reading some of your author's notes it seems like you are already aware that in your writing you seem impatient to get to a time that is more relatable to the show. It's hard to move so quickly when you write from the point of view of solely one character. You might want to explore that, third person isn't a bad thing, sometimes it makes things flow better. You once made a comment that the day you gave up on this would be the day you die, and really hope that hasn't been the case. I would absolutely love to see more from you, in this work of fiction most definitely. So I know it's been awhile but, please update?
| Player42 chapter 13 . 2/20
are you dead or did you leave through the gate?
| Just a Crazy-Man chapter 9 . 11/16/2016
| Just a Crazy-Man chapter 8 . 11/16/2016
| Just a Crazy-Man chapter 4 . 11/16/2016
| Just a Crazy-Man chapter 13 . 11/1/2016
lov oh lov.
| Rebel29 chapter 13 . 10/24/2016
No! It's been nearly a year! It's dead! Nooooooo it held so much promise damnit! (Cries)
| Guest Q chapter 13 . 7/4/2016
Pegasus, here we come!
| PascalDragon chapter 13 . 6/19/2016
Oh, interesting story! Interesting premise and interesting changes as well. I really like Lillith and how she's much more... uhm... let's say practical and cunning about her approaches and of course benevolent ;)
Well, I'm looking forward to what you've planned with the Tau'ri. According to your comment they'll at least get their hand on Atlantis (probably Destiny as well), though I hope they'll be able to pick up the mantle of the Fifth Race nevertheless, maybe even without the Asgard committing suicide...
Anyway, looking forward to what's to come with Lillith and her people :)
| grovepjp chapter 13 . 5/14/2016
| Geode7 chapter 13 . 5/7/2016
How do I put this into words. Hmm...
Simply put, your story is simply superior to the original story in every possible. Not one facet exists that you have not managed to outdo. Which is why I can't wait for this story to eventually overpass the original as well.
| Iskandr chapter 11 . 4/30/2016
And part 3. Next time I should simply pm this...
The Star Trek way, where a microwave oven can be reconfigured into a tractor beam assembly with the press of a few buttons, is a bad path to tread. Increasing the performance of a certain piece of tech requires major changes to said piece, including manufacturing new parts, which means changes to large parts of factories somewhere else. Making tweaks and minor improvements would be possible, yes, because every machine is designed to work within certain limits and margins. If you are going to do the later, you should however, explain this to be the case in story. If you don't, we as readers are forced to ask ourselves: Why exactly can she do this again?
Last, two pieces of advice:
First, get your research right. The Tok'ra movement, for example, by virtue of them dying of old age by 2000 AD, might very well be older than 2000 years, which is when Egeria was captured (Setesh survived for what we later found out were 5000 years, commented by a Tok'ra upon to be possible without a sarcophagus). The Series is one unholy jumble of factoids like those but luckily, episode summaries are readily available everywhere. We don't actually know when the movement started to be called "Tok'ra" or who named it, so what you call assumptions in your story do not actually contradict Stargate canon.
Don't contradict yourself either, please. Early on, you mention an improved version of the Ma'tok, which unlike the Goa'uld version, can be disassembled for maintenance. You are cloaking this as a feature while it is actually a bug. The regular staff simply does not need maintenance, which shows a problem a lot of authors have with Stargate. They try so hard to correct something that was wrong in their opinion that they deconstruct canon before they try to understand it. Before one goes and says, “Well, the Jaffa are stupid the way they are and it wouldn't work, anyway” – why not go the other way? Accept the Jaffa as what they are, namely highly trained and highly skilled warriors, who spend their entire life mastering the ways of war, albeit in a different way then modern earth soldiers.
Could there be a reason the Jaffa carry low rate of fire weapons?
Is there a reason their armour seems crap?
What is the role of a Death Glider, seeing how they cannot threaten Motherships?
Try to see if the way they are is actually viable when they are not going up against teams armed with automatic firearms or smart bombs, threats they have never faced before (and let's not forget the idiot ball SG1 seems to hand them whenever the Tau'ri put on their plot armour). Explore the thought of how they arrived at the present instead of condemning them.
It is surprising how good the Jaffa as an armed force actually work once you take that into account.
Second, do not ever use the words “I do this just for fun” in a way that seems to indicate you are pre-empting an attack on your competence. If someone ever accuses you of being a bad writer, write something in response instead and challenge him to point out your mistakes.
What more, telling us that you do this just for fun is redundant. We know this is not your job by virtue of you posting here. We believe you are not a professional simply because we have all read some stories on the site already and no one here is a professional. We already project our expectations on you as is.
But if you write this sentence, it reads like this:
I know my stuff is bad, don't judge me.
“I do this just for fun, do not expect me to put effort into this.
It sounds like a defence. It sounds like you are insecure in your own skills. Worst, it makes “I do this just for fun” sound like an excuse for both and like a justification for putting out low quality work. When people read this, they will remember shit stories that get a lot of flak from reviewers and have adopted this sentence as a defence. Thus, no matter how you yourself actually meant it, by writing this sentence on the very first page, you effectively judge yourself and your work to be of lower value than it actually is. You raise a red flag in the eyes of your readers. Don't!
Your story is great. I had a lot of fun reading it.
Believe in that instead!