|Reviews for Harry Potter and Setesh's Blunder|
| Slytherson chapter 4 . 10/20
Will harry hire muggle born squibs were wolfs vampires and goblins etc!?
| deitarionSSokolow chapter 11 . 10/9
OK, you made things much more interesting just after I complained... but it shouldn't have gotten that bad in the first place.
...and, still, you could have done better. The secret to making a story engaging is unpredictability. That's why political/business/etc. negotiations are hard to screw up. Unless you use mind-control, it tends to be pretty blatant when the other party is too understanding/helpful/trusting/etc.
(With tech, on the other hand, it's far too easy to get into a rut where the readers just think "I wonder what they'll do today... Quel surprise! The same thing we did every other night, Pinky! Ramble off technobabble without first convincing the readers that they should care! I'd NEVER have predicted that!")
Even when they were meeting with Tony Blair, it was still straining to be as long and dull as possible, repeating things the readers already know. The only reason it worked is that their "shock and awe"-esque arrival made it believable that Mr. Blair would just listen to prepare for future negotiations or political manoeuvering rather than trying something immediately.
I strongly recommend practicing being as brief as possible while still being able to set the tone you want a given seen to have. (Maybe pretend that all of your readers are Ron Weasley when writing your info dumps?)
You also need to practice making your exposition feel more natural. Try acting out what you've written as if it were a script for a movie or TV show. You'll find that, when people actually talk like that, it's called rambling (I should know. I did it enough as a kid.), it's drags on, and those around them only humor them if they absolutely can't afford to interrupt or shut them up. (Basically, pay attention to how other authors gloss over what the reader already knows in scenes like these.)
Finally, don't use abbreviations like "cont'd", "Pres." and "Prime Min.". They make it harder for the reader to maintain immersion as they read because they have to distract themself expanding the acronym. You're not writing shorthand and you're not trying to pack text into a limited physical space. Only use abbrebiations or acronyms that the reader recognizes and pronounces as words unto themselves, like "comm" or "SGC".
| deitarionSSokolow chapter 10 . 10/9
Blah blah blah blah blah! I like technobabble and curb-stomping heroes as much as the next person, but you actually need to have them USE that technology against someone, not just ramble on about what new field of technology your wunderkinds have revolutionized this time. This is quickly becoming the most boring fic I've ever read!
(Gimme some SG-1 interaction. Gimme some political back-and-forth or business negotiations. Show Dumbledore reacting to a world much bigger than he imagined... just give me ANYTHING but yet another infodump on how your characters have become powerful by exploiting the awesome power of embarassingly misunderstanding science.)
For example, plasma is what the visible flame on a burning object is made of. The only possible way to change its color is to make it much hotter (blue flame) or burn a different chemical... both of which would have serious effects on the viability and power of a weapon and may not be trivial to accomplish. Likewise, humans use more than 10% of our brains, even when at rest. When we use all of our brains at once, it's called a seizure. (You can also think of that as the human brain crashing and rebooting.) The closest REAL statistic is "15% of your brain is dedicated to your mind. The remaining 85% is dedicated to keeping you breathing and processing input from your eyes/ears/etc. into the model of the world that your mind 'sees'".
At about 1/3rd of the way through the chapter, I got so bored that I started skimming at a rate of "Read the first 2 or 3 words of each long paragraph to see if it's stopped being boring yet". I've NEVER done that before and I've read GIGABYTES of fanfiction over the last decade and a half.
| frustratedmind chapter 8 . 10/6
This is like watching a one man puppet show... Ugh..
| TheGuardianOfLight chapter 23 . 9/29
I absolutely love this fic, its the first one I've found where Harry's not always on the back foot, in this for once he is the power on Earth almost since day 1 and I love the way you spiral it up to him having a vast fleet. It was very believable.
Would love to see more like this.
| Juliethobo chapter 4 . 9/23
Seeing that you went with the furry problem not happening off world, if they find a world to settle shouldn't they offer to bring other werewolves with them?
| Juliethobo chapter 3 . 9/23
Will Remus transform if he is in another galaxy? Is it only earth's full moon that turns him or is it any full moon anywhere in the galaxy?
| Guest chapter 14 . 8/10
Atlantis' wormhole drive was created by Rodney McKay while he was affected by the ascension machine
| Guest chapter 5 . 6/30
If the sensors were sensitive enough to pick up the armbands, how come they missed the Telchak's device, the Ancient healing device?
| Guest chapter 5 . 6/30
Since they were keeping to themselves is this timeline, and there was no mention of the DA (and you kinda skipped 5th year), why are all these people close to them all of a sudden?
| benjamin.r.tillson chapter 23 . 6/29
Man, for being against the genocide of the Aschen the Alliance sure is quick to jump into threatening genocide.
| KitkatMoon chapter 23 . 6/13
WOW, never heard of StarGate before this because i found it in a harry potter community, but it is really cool, I might watch the series later. Great story.
| martin.presston.9 chapter 23 . 5/27
great story again :) now i dont mean to be rude but so happy you actualy FINISHED this 1 alltogether :) again thanks for a great read
| Guest chapter 5 . 5/25
I think... you write like a screenwriter. As if, instead of words on the page, you leave room in the story for the actors, the sets, and the director to take the audience where their supposed to be. Keeping that in mind as I read has helped with getting into the story...you really like TV don't you...probably more than books I bet. :}
| Guest chapter 4 . 5/25
Alright the story is very damn interesting but too often it reads like an outline instead of a story. For intsance, in the next chapter you wrote: "Harry and Hermione's seventh year was completely AU..." that is not how you tell a story, that's putting an idea forward on a forum.
For one, you are breaking the fourth wall; have you seen Malcom in the Middle? Freddy Bueler's Day off? Deadpool? It's when the character or narrator starts talking to the audience/reader. Its generally used in comedies, or when reading a diary like story. This story is neither of those.
For two, we know it's AU seeing as its a crossover(duh).
For three, you don't have to present the whole story in a summary style. So far the only time you aren't telling us directly what's going on, is when the character's are talking to each other, and in one case when Harry was talking to himself. It is very difficult to become truly immersed in their adventure when you seem to just jump forward event to event. For example, you had an excellent opportunity to pull us in during Harry's mini-adventure to pick up the mothers hip from mars. Did anything happen? Did the Apollo 10 make it the whole way there no trouble? We're there traps around the mothership? How was re-entry? Any close calls? What was Mars like!? That was Harry's first time off planet; the moment could have been beautiful. I'm not saying you have to put more obstacles in ( the Gould are such a huge adversary as it is!) just show us more about what its like to live this story instead of simply saying what happened.
Think of it this way, what if JKR wrote about the chamber of secrets the way you did the Mars trip: "Harry, Ron and Lockhart jumped down the dirty entrance pipe into the Chamber of Secrets. On the way there Lockhart got the jump on them and tried to escape but caused a cave in. Harry had to continue alone. He kept going until he came to a large atrium wi the snake columns and motifs all around. Finding Ginny on the ground, he ran to her, then a translucent teenage boy appeared. (insert dialogue). Voldemort called out Slytherin's monster, a 60ft millenial basilisk. Harry ran around avoiding the snake, then fawns came with the sort g hat to help him fight it. Fawns ripped out it's eyes, and the Hat gave Harry a sword that he used to stab the snake through the roof of it's mouth. Harry was poisoned but Fawns healed him with his tears. Harry then stabbed the Diary with one of the basilisk fangs, destroying the evil object. Ginny woke up and Fawns carried them all out of the Chamber."
This was an interesting scene. And written this way it's still interesting enough to read to the end. But it isn't anything like reading about the animal corpses at the end of the slimy entrance tunnel. Or the creepy green tint of the dim torchlights. Or the terrible dread of happening upon a two bus length snake skin. You see? Your summaries are good for certain scenes (the travel times would be boring unless something happened) but try not to write more than 25%of the story that way.
Now I'm way late to this party so I know it's like, too late to do this, but you can use it for future reference if you want. By the way I'm still going to finish the story. Like I said, defiantly interesting enough to read until the end.
Oh and good job with grammar and spelling. There are some mistakes(Garan or Garen? Sun vs son) but nothing that makes you look dumb or anything. Clearly typos. I probably have some in this review despite backtracking like a dozen times.