|Reviews for Princess of Konoha|
| JLdark chapter 7 . 6/5/2016
This was good, very good it was entertaining how Naruto prepared for the test, but it was interesting how you handled Kakashi, that talk with Obito was interesting, to bad he is dead, or he isn't? Anyway at first it was strange to read about Tsuyoki, maybe he will have a bigger role in the future?
| JLdark chapter 6 . 6/4/2016
So Itachi and Hana! That's good, well not maybe for Kiba if they go for real, poor Naruto and he was jealous of Kiba that was hilarious, besides how he reacted to being teased was great.
| JLdark chapter 5 . 6/4/2016
I like it that Itachi is a sensei in this story, he always looks for peace and maybe in this story he can have that. I did like how Hinata told from her perspective, I wonder if she want to treated like a normal ninja? I mean everyone puts her in an amazing position even Naruto, although he is more likely to he impressed by her and not like how Mizuki wanted a reward. Too bad Itachi didn't get the team he wanted, that would have been interesting, I hope Kakashi do a good job with this team.
| JLdark chapter 4 . 6/4/2016
It was a good chapter, pretty funny, but even Naruto has to be careful about the Hyuga police, didn't the bakyugan let you see if a person was laying?
| JLdark chapter 3 . 6/3/2016
Good that Naruto started his training in fuinjutsu! I like how he still use to prank, besides Hiruzen gave him permission for that. Now I'm curious about all these rules he has, better make them part of the Uzumaki clan, I find funny how he imagine that his father is an Uzumaki and not her mother, funny to picture Kushina blond and Minato a redhead.
| JLdark chapter 2 . 6/3/2016
Oh this is interesting, so the Hyuga is one mayor clan, even if Hinata has an attitude more like her father, it seem she still a kind person at least in a different way of the traditional Hyuga, I liked their encounter, although Naruto self-proclaimed her best friend, that is a big step or obstacle for him.
| JLdark chapter 1 . 6/3/2016
I had to check this fic out, it was a recommendation, so I like the idea that you had and Naruto meeting Hinata who is practically a princess is good, it seem that it will be an entertaining reading.
| The Flare Blade chapter 59 . 4/23/2016
Here's the review I told you about! I'd like to be answered through here, so let's go.
My first big issue with the story is the OCs, but not as much their presence as how they were used. There's a bunch of smaller issues with them, so let's get on that.
1a- The lack of descriptions. Save for the two businessmen Hyuuga during the chunin exams, I have absolutely no idea of how any of the OCs look like, both in terms of clothes and their faces/hair.
1b- Most of your OCs are not at all important to what is going on in "the princess of konoha". I understand setting up for future events, but since they do not happen in this book, the reader is presented with huge chunks of information about characters that do nothing noteworthy.
1c- They aren't memorable, save for Shinji and Ikari (and even the two are just, to me, a single entity. Each time they show up I am at a lost as to who is the arrogant uchiha and who is the clanless guy). A slight profile memo alongside the dictionary would go a long way into helping this.
1d- Their parts of the story take way too much space. Again, I understand setting up for future events, but you need to be careful. They are just OCs, and thus, very few readers will ever care more about then than the main characters of the story. Focusing on them when the readers are wondering what is going on with Team7/Hinata just alienates them.
it has already been said that there will be more OC-focused content in later books, but please, keep these issues in mind while going forward. Your OCs are side-characters, but if they end up having more screen time than the main characters... well, that's not a story a lot of people will want to keep reading. Mixing the OCs's story with a main character is the way to go for them. It's why Shinji, Ikari, and the businessman hyuuga (which, note, I don't remember the name) were cool in the C-rank mission arc but were just annoyances during the Invasion arc.
2- Incidentally, the main characters should have a presence in every chapter. Like I said before, we are here not for the OCs and not for the side-characters like tenten or choji. So having to wait a long time for an update, only to find out that not a single part of the chapter talks about the people we have been wanting to see is very anti-climatic, and quite frankly, off-putting. I remember this happening in one chapter late into the last arc, and I finished the chapter with the thought "well, that was a waste of time". Sorry to be rude, but yeah... I can only compare this with the filler hell between part 1 and 2 of the anime. It's not a good thing.
The princess of konoha herself also has a few issues.
3a. In your story, she's a much more stoic person, which makes her not very interesting as a character when we don't have access to her thoughts. Most of the Hinata parts of the fic are seen through Naruto, Kiba and Neji... all of which who have wildly different interpretations of her actions. It took the very last chapters of the story for us to see what actually goes on in her head, in particular regarding her thoughts about Naruto when they are actually interacting.
It would have been nice to see her perspective to how Naruto acts towards her early, instead of having to guess at how much the viewpoint character is wrong about her. Naruto's parts heavily see her in a positive light, but we never get to see how his actions impact her, how she's totally out of her confort zone around him. Naruto never THINKS about how alien his actions might be to her, every other character just focus on how "this is disrespectful!" and believes Hinata is humoring out of politeness or something.
The reader is left wondering "who the hell is Hinata Hyuuga" throughout most of the story, and the bit at the end doesn't give enough answers to justify the 500K words of buildup on her character. And heck, I think we know Kiba much more than Hinata. Kiba was the deutoragonist of the story and... that's probably not a good thing.
3b- Her actual personality. The very first scene we get from Hinata's perspective implies she has to hold on to her ice mask at all times, as she never knows who is watching. She is hiding her true feelings thanks to her upbringing, and as such, is portrayed as a stoic character. On the surface, this is one of the flattest archetypes ever, so getting through that mask is the way to go.
Seeing her holding back a smile at Naruto's "gentle fist" after his duel with Neji was pretty nice, but it would be great if she opens up later on. It doesn't even need to be to someone else (which would be great), but just seeing her dropping the mask during her narration would be awesome.
3c- Canon Hinata's personality. This is not so much an issue as it is a personal wish, actually, but i'd like to see more of the Hinata we saw in the original series within your own Hinata. Both girls are kind people and have been shown to sacrifice a bit of themselves to please others, but the princess's stoic behavior doesn't let that kindness show very well. The prime example is when she doesn't wake up Kiba (and i think Shino) during their C-rank mission to the watch tower. It felt like she didn't trust they were able to do the job, rather than just wanting her tired teammates to rest.
The stoic personality can allow for gentleness without much difficulty, but honestly, your Hinata is so composed and frigid, that I really want to see her reverting a bit to her shier self (As you implied she was pretty much like canon as a young child) by the time she actually starts falling for NAruto. Blushing, being embarrassed by how physical the Uzumaki is, getting tongue-tied around him... these could help for the love realization, I think, and would make the reader connect better with the character.
3d- She dresses diffferently from canon Hinata, so adding her clothes to her description every now and them to remind the reader of how she actually looks would be nice. And no getting lazy with "just like another series's character, look it up" again! Actually describe it, please!
3e- The blindfold. You mentioned in the forest of death that she basically can move around better by using her other senses now, but I really doubt that is actually possible for a human being. It was the sole factor that allowed Naruto to win his fight, it accomplished absolutely nothing outside of that and made their whole fight feel dumbed down because of it. If Hinata had her byakugan on from second 1, Naruto would have lost. I'd rather have seen Naruto winning by his own strength than just barely squeezing a win because the enemy had a handicap.
It was a novelty and a bit interesting in the C-rank arc, and made for a funny conflict between Naruto and Kiba, but yeah. She should have used part of the one month of training to get used to the sunlight again.
4- We don't need to know everything every character is up to. The first time I read the fic I read it fully. This time? I almost completely skipped the Invasion arc when it didn't deal with Team 7 (shikamaru included) and 8. There was a complete lack of... interest in seeing the Side-characters vs mooks/bleach-guys-disguised-as-OCs, or the whole mess going on in the Hyuuga towers.
I'm not saying to exclude those things entirely, but think well of what really, absolutely needs to be seen, and as much of a jerk I am for saying this, try a little harder at making these parts interesting. There's an automatic disinterest from the reader's perspective when we note that the next segment is not at all related to the main characters. You did well with the Shikamaru segment, for example. I wanted to read how he was going to get out of that mess! The other genin fighting kumo didn't grip me at all, and neither did the Kage box conflict. The backstory information one could glean from that was nice, but having to read the whole fight wasn't that engaging.
5- Lastly, this is way too late for this, I believe, but the Narration is incredibly awkward. You write in a way that we clearly know who is talking (given honorifcs and the kind of thoughts that drip through the narration), but the narrator also doesn't commit to revealing themselves as "Naruto" or "Kiba". And the use of honorifcs, especially for Hinata and Kakashi's parts, makes the whole thing very wall-of-text-y when there's a lot of people around them.
This was it. Your story was awesome outside of thos epoints, believe it! 9,75/10
| Guest chapter 1 . 4/15/2016
Dudes this is the nest fabric I have ever read and I've read a lot. So please let the next part being I've have been waiting for it for almost a year now
| nightwind83 chapter 59 . 3/4/2016
it has been a long and fun read, the part of the end of the epilogue is defiantly different. looking forward to book 2
| nightwind83 chapter 38 . 2/29/2016
as a person who has had to deal with illness that has for short time periods have removed my senses you descried the feeling pretty while. once you get use to it you dont need to feel to move at all. it just helps to know when to stop
| hga chapter 2 . 2/27/2016
Heh. Rule #1 of Naruto/Hinata fanfic where they start at some sort of great distance: it *never* harms his standing with her or the Hyuuga if he thinks she is, or thinks of and calls her a princess.
| Veraq chapter 57 . 2/22/2016
I just finished reading Princess of Konoha for the second time and with that comes a second review.
I actually took notes this time around, so the review will seem a bit disjointed, sorry about that.
Overall I can say, you two have done a great job, writing a unique and interesting piece of fanfiction
with action, suspense, romance and a good deal of humour.
The characters seem fresh and new, while still showing their most important and defining parts from the manga and the use of different characters' perspectives makes the whole book very diverse.
Since the next book will be posted come summer, I plan on missing the first few posts and reading PoK a third time, before I start it.
I don't know if you're actually correcting spelling and grammar errors in PoK, if they're pointed out to you, but if you do, it wouldn't be much effort for me to make a list of circa 150 (/- 20) of those errors, next time I read PoK. If you have actually use for such a list, just pm me and I'll send it to you, if not, that's fine, too. (Some of those mistakes are actually pretty funny, like "timber of his voice" (instead of timbre), but that would only count as a pun, if it was refering to the Shodaime Hokage).
I also noticed that you use expressions like "seconds to spare" (that one was in the Naruto vs. Sasuke fight with Naruto being in the air with a giant fireball coming at him) fairly often. Since ninja move much faster than normal people, "seconds" is actually a fairly long time in that setting. You should consider using phrases like "moments", "just after", "milliseconds", "fractions of a second", or "less than a second later" instead.
That being said, I have some questions and comments on PoK and a few ideas for seals / jutsu, Naruto could learn.
First off the questions:
Are the Caged Bird Seal and the Honored Seal (from the chapter Fire Capital) the same? Which capacities does it fulfil and which differences are there to the seal from the manga?
How did Hinata find Team seven in the second round of the chuunin exam? (One possibility would be, that she overheard their starting gate and just goes along a line from the tower to that gate, but I'd like your version.)
In the preliminaries, when Sakura fights Sasuke, there is a passage "Without thought, the clone furthest to the left switched places with the lead...". Does that refer to a Kawarimi no jutsu or to pulling the other clone out of the way manually (then the choice of words "switched places" wouldn't really make sense, though)
What are the limitations of clones in PoK and how are their actions guided? (It seems, that in PoK, Mizu Bunshin are capable of some measure of independent thought, but how much? Are their actions guided by the intent of their creator ? (like a program))
There are some mentions of clones spending Naruto's money. Does that mean every time, a clone needs money (or when they are created), he goes to Naruto's apartment and gets some? (Since shadowclones and their clothes (and with that any money they have on them at the point of their creation) are made out of chakra, they cant really pay with that money.)
In first chapter of the first round of the third round of the chuunin exam, which is written in Naruto's
perspective, Hinata's father is referred to as "Hyuuga-dono", which would imply (from my understanding), that Naruto is part of the Hyuuga clan and is also massively ooc for Naruto (He doesn't refer to anyone with "-sama", not even mentioning "-dono". Is that intentional and, if it is, why does he refer to him like that?
I'd also like to know some more details about why the seal from the 3rd round of the chuunin exam has to be written in blood. Is blood more powerful? Does every seal above a certain power level have to be written in blood? Is it just a property of this specific seal (like an ink)? Could it be replaced by a especially prepared ink? (Having to bleed all over the place for an eternity for the seal to work is kinda really really really inconvenient.)
Even though Kakashi specifically wanted Naruto to be his student, why is there so little personal interaction between them? Kakashi basically only takes a genin team, so he can train Naruto (or at least that's what I understand from what you wrote), so I would expect something more that him treating Naruto just the same as Sakura and Sasuke (that doesn't mean favouritism).
Why are the Kumo and Suna teams even in the third exam? It would be more useful and far less suspicious to just have them drop out in the second stage (or have only one of them advance to the third round), so they dont't raise as much suspicion by forfeiting. (Or is that just plainly bad coordination by the teams?) They are clearly (with the exception of Gaara) focused enough, not to have any problems with intentionally losing. On the other hand, forfeiting or intentionally losing during the preliminaries would leave Konoha way more time to react, while also being suspicious, so I guess that's good enough.
In the finals, there are a few passages, where Naruto fights blind. Does he do that the same way, Hinata does, or is it from having knowledge of his opponents fighting style, or does he just have naturally (kyuubirally) enhanced senses and can just do that?
How do shadowclones and seals interact? Logically, if the shadowclone disappears, the seal disappears too. (Or something stops being part of the clone, if it doesn't touch it anymore.) Furthermore, if Naruto applies a seal to himself (for example the seal from his fight against Gaara), every shadowclone summoned after that would have that seal too.
"Tower Three, codename Whiskey, Indigo, Nana" Why is "nana" used for the letter "n", when it also is the japanese number seven? That would create unnecessary confusion (except if they use only "shichi" for the number seven or use the actual english number).
How powerful are the members of the Hyuuga police? Where do they rank compared to Chuunin, Jounin, Anbu? (In fighting strengh. I suppose they have somewhat different skill sets)
And one thing that bugged me for a long time: What are the ninja forces that are wandering Konoha during the invasion? The ones of which fourty or so got taken out by Sasuke alone? Since someone like Sasuke can take them out en masse (and Sasuke is a genin, the lowest active ninja rank there is), they'd have to be at the level of untrained academy graduates or normal genin at most. So what are they exactly and why are they even part of the invasion? I don't think any village has so many genin to waste.
Next are a few comments:
First off my favorite topic: Shadowclones. That jutsu is ridiculously overpowered.
Following the logical course of action, Naruto could, before going on the training journey with Jiraiya,
talk Jiraiya into getting him a complete collection of all Icha Icha books, personally signed and addressed to Kakashi and trade those for the biggest training scroll ever. That training scroll has in it every jutsu, Kakashi knows, that Naruto can learn (Genjutsu and Taijutsu) as well as combat tactics and all other useful things, Naruto or Kakashi can thinks of. Then he could go to Hiruzen and ask him for some training material.
Finally he could get Jiraiya to give him material on sealing.
Then he could simply make maybe 350 clones each day of the training trip and have them train thrings from the scroll. Since many of them learn similar things and they could dispel in groups of ten or something, the memory overflow wouldn't be too much of a problem. (He would probably even get used to it)
If he'd train mostly taijutsu, he could be at (or at least close to) Lee's level in taijustu and have about one thousand years of training. (Of course it wouldn't be really a thousand years worth of training, but rather five hundred or three hundred and his taijutsu would still be bad enough to keep him somewhere at jounin level (and not at Madara level), but he'd still be immensely powerful.
What I want to say is, that I don't see any logical reason, allowing Hinata to be anywhere near Naruto's level after a few more months of training. While Hinata is still stronger (at least if she'd be fighting him directly) than Naruto at the end of PoK, Naruto has improved way faster than Hinata. Hinata was trained basically since she could walk, so she has at least six years of training more than Naruto. Naruto could still stand up to her in the finals. That means Naruto is improving faster than Hinata.
Since Naruto becomes Jiraiya's apprentice, while Hinata will have even more responsibilities with the death of her father and Naruto will most definitely at least use clones to speed up his fuuinjutsu training, I really look forward to seeing how you plan on keeping both of them on the same level.
Another interesting thing is, how you portray shadowclones and that is extremely diverse. Since they are actually not different upon creation and the experiences, they make after that should seldom be enough to cause any significant shift in personality. So if you have a clone complaining about a smug clone or an arrogant clone, etc., they are basically complaining about different sides of their own personality, which they show in a given situation. That's actually quite funny, even if it's a bit unrealistic, since they don't seem to realize that.
Also some of the clones talk / think about dying. I'd just like to mention that they don't die, from the
point of view of the clone, dying would be just like getting a load of memories and switching position with the clone or original that is in reality receiving the memories.
So if a clone dies, every other clone and Naruto himself "die" just as much.
It would be nice to have (maybe as an omake) the Naruto / Hinata interactions from the first two parts of the Chuunin exams from Hinata's perspective. These interactions (especially Hinata visiting Naruto and giving him the scrolls) are the first parts, where Hinata behaves outside of what would
| toofine89 chapter 59 . 1/20/2016
A brutal little story and an excellent read . Good characterization, good writing style, and some good twists to the original. I am dying to find out exactly what the Hyuga did to Kumo. And I am also eager to see what becomes of the Chunin OC's you made - Shinji and that group. A little sad about Akamaru, but I always thought it preposterous to bring a puppy onto the battlefield. I've read what must near 1000 stories on this site, but you have become one of the ten or so authors I've ever favorited.
| Guest chapter 2 . 1/8/2016
So... the Uchiha-Senju feud that went all the way back to days of Indra and Asura is... different now? This time the Sage and his brother fought it over didn't they?