|Reviews for The Return|
| Lousy Poet Automaton chapter 25 . 7/16/2009
Hrrm... The story has gotten better in some ways, but it's also gotten worse in others.
It's better in that there's a lighter touch with the emotions of the characters. The angst is more spread out so that it's more effective and there's a good sense of your characters growing.
There's also improvement in the military type details, where it feels like you've steadily put more thought into that aspect of the story. There's almost too much of this - it has grown to completely dominate the story, and we as readers no longer have a sense of your characters as anything other than soldiers. They have no other lives or hobbies. The minor non-military things that happen are almost all meetings between characters trying to be mysterious with each others' plans... about military matters.
Professional soldiers in real life are mostly like everyone else except for their job. Outside of their job, they play video games like World of Warcraft, root passionately for their sports teams, complain endlessly about politics, and so on. It would be good to show your characters still doing other things - you've completely ignored school and dating, movies, school trips, cars, any number of activities they ought to be doing when they're not training or fighting.
This is not bad. It's good in that you've developed that aspect of your story a lot. The thing is that you haven't put as much effort into the other parts of your story.
As a comparison with network TV shows. I like the original CSI series, the one in Las Vegas, the best, while I loathe CSI: Miami. The characters of CSI: Las Vegas are quirky and fallible. They do things outside of work, one had a gambling problem before he died, there was a slow development of a romance, one character loves bugs, another used to be a stripper, two have problems with their daughters etc. The characters of CSI: Miami are irritating and over the top. They are way too good and are Hollywood cops that do everything well, are good scientists and also crack marksmen, and they are all intense, brooding copies of characters from NYPD Blue.
Don't let yourself get caught up in just the parts that feel cool to you. It will hamper your development as a writer.
Oh, minor quibble of an error that's showed up more than once - you have used 'physiological' when what you seem to mean is 'psychological.' There are a couple of scenes, I can no longer remember in which chapters, where you described emotional and mental stress being inflicted on people and described it as physiological. Since it's repeated, it's not a typo.
Physiological means that something is with respect to the functional understanding of biological structure. The physiology of the kidney involves how the structures of the kidney function, the way membranes and cells are arranged to do the jobs that are required, etc.
Emotions and mental stress? That's psychological - having to do with the psyche.
Okay, so, again, that one's minor.
Where you've gotten slightly worse in some ways is the dialogue. There are chapters where explicit dialogue goes on for too long between minor characters and it starts to drag because they're not talking about anything important.
This sometimes happens because the dialogue is *technically* well done, and the characters are being clever as they talk to each other - but it's very difficult to make readers interested in the clever repartee between characters that have little impact on the story.
This also sometimes happens with your exposition - there are some places where it goes on for too long. It sometimes starts to feel like an author tract. When you as the author start to explain your reasoning in the story using the mouths of some of the characters or directly in the narration, it has to be in small doses or it gets boring. Like minor dialogue that can go on for too long, this can mess up the pacing.
Don't leave stuff in there just because your first impulse is that it was cool. Many times, dialogue can be summarized, with only the best lines kept in, so that the entire passage is shorter, faster-paced, and so that what spoken lines are left are more memorable.
The same thing with passages that are about author's reasoning. Judicious injections of superfluous background detail can be good and enrich the depth of the story, but space it out with action that shows how the reasoning applies through events. If events cannot be used to demonstrate what you were going to say in terms of explanation... then your explanation doesn't matter anyway, because it's background detail that doesn't affect the plot.
| Lousy Poet Automaton chapter 3 . 7/13/2009
It's pretty good.
To improve from top quality fanfic level writing to professional/publishable writing:
1) A little more effort on engaging the senses (touch, smell, etc), details of the environment so it's more distinct.
2) This is a story that takes itself just a bit too seriously. There are moments where a lighter touch would make it a better read.
Also, you still have a few (very few) spelling errors. It's the Bering Strait, for example, and you have one place where you use shear (to cut) instead of sheer (one of the meanings of which is complete/without exception). It's well within tolerable for fanfics - your typo rate is actually much better than the average.
| colin chapter 26 . 6/16/2009
I really look forward to an update it has been quite a while so I hope you update sometime soon
| hellhound-d.o.w chapter 26 . 4/17/2009
Very interesting story. I like the complete change from the canon storyline of both SM and R1/2. I don't know where you got the AOM, WIC, or the Russian Cyborg Assassins, but all three were well thought out groups. Keep up the good work and I hope you update soon.
| Materia-Blade chapter 4 . 3/23/2009
Hmm... Not quite as enjoyable as I'd hoped.
Why? Why do you insist on attempting to make OCs as or more important than the characters everyone cares about? Eh... I suppose I do it myself but you have so many characters already (And all crafted so quickly and introduced without... well actually introducing them) that they are all running together in my head. Add to that, 90% of them seem to have the exact same personality. I.E. "I'm a hardass, though I like black humor! I know guns. I have not been described in anyway other than that though. Only Ranma is allowed flowery descriptions that relate to appearance."
Admittedly some of them have been described but the company is starting to remind me of M.I.B. or something. Speaking of that, I'm still trying to figure out if "The Company" Is the same Rune Order that Pluto was referring to early on.
The only saving grace so far was the Ranma/Kuno humor. That was funny. Gotta admit. Though I think you coulda milked it for more humor.
It would have been better if you had gave us an introduction of... of... erm... Chase was it? The one who died? Yeah. It would have been nice to know him a few moments before he died I thought. Maybe even a chapter. Heh. Maybe you did introduce him but you probably did it with your usual introduction that doesn't actually name the character until half way through the scene. That and ninety percent of the scene is spent describing places that don't really pertain to the story. (Your intro in the first chapter comes to mind. Really. Why -did- you spend the upwards of sixhundred words describing the drive around the cape of the great lakes? Honestly that kept me from reading this for a long time, just because I could never make myself read all the way through it.
Now this doesn't mean i'm giving up, and it also doesn't mean that I don't enjoy the story. I'm generally prefer detail and most of my reviews end up telling people that they have far too little. Heh. Sunny. I feel like you use too much! Honestly, the few times you revert to pure dialogue are somewhat of a relief because they push the story along!
But still, better by far to have too much detail than too little. The story is fun, if slow paced, and you definitely enjoy your fire-arm mumbo jumbo that people like me who've barely ever held a gun don't understand at all, but that isn't so much of a bar. It should be interesting to see where this leads, at the very least.
Heh. I'm sorry if this feels a bit flamish. I assure that's not it's intention. Plus the fact that this chapter was written in... what? 2003? That's 6 years of experience between. It's more than likely that whatever problems I have here are MORE than ironed out by now. Still, I feel it's prudent to comment. Sides I doubt you'll mind.
I'll be reading on now!
| MB chapter 3 . 3/23/2009
Yay! Action! (Finally)
Lets see whether it satisfies...
| Materia-Blade chapter 2 . 3/23/2009
After many months of procrastination I've finally begun this epic of yours. I've heard so much about it after all...
So far it's an excruciatingly slow start that is, for all I can tell, very similar to the beginning of your and Trimatter's fic. Ranma gets girlified, for admittedly valid reasons.
Writing is top notch as always, and I'll also admit that it has a starting draw...
But so far it's so -dull!- Hmm. Well I know for a fact Ranma definitely isn't getting cured, and would have knew that before I ever even heard of "The Return" Just cause it's you writing.
Murdock strikes me as unusual, but okay. I can deal. I don't really know any of the series this crosses into. Is he cannon from something or your creation?
I suppose I should have a bit more patience. You -are- known for your slow intros after all (in my opinion at least) and that doesn't mean any of your fics are unenjoyable.
So, reading on, finally.
| John Tannius chapter 26 . 2/15/2009
Awesome, i half expected it early on with the subtle Lovecraftian insinuations but a full fledged eldritch invasion? Way too cool, I can hardly wait.
| Birga chapter 26 . 12/28/2008
Great story, I especially like Gladys' quotes on the guns.
so does WIC later change to Aperture? ;)
| ryuumon chapter 26 . 11/20/2008
You Bastard got me hooked onto FukuFics ;-
More Please ! ;-) And Thank You for continuing to write!
| Dragon Dagger chapter 26 . 11/20/2008
FINALLY! getting into the nitty gritty. You almost lost me about 5 chapters back when you were bogged down in minutae. Details are good, but some things seem to be over done.
| Narsil chapter 26 . 10/22/2008
Now that I've read the full story to date, you are doing one hell of a job on it, I can hardly wait for the next chapter, even if it's a bit rougher than I normally like. Though I do miss updates for "Strained Harmony" and "Windborne," it's tough to say which I'd like to see more, updates for them or chapters in this story more often - six of one, have a dozen of the other, either way we're winners.
| Dragon Man 180 chapter 26 . 10/19/2008
Very nice chapter, lots of action. I can't wait to see the next encounter... but I would also like to see some good old fashioned Monsters of the Week get their butts handed to them after all this is over before the major plot starts up again. Just one chapter of fun and humor before things go serious again.
| Joshua Richardson chapter 26 . 10/19/2008
What I'm thinking, most of the things that come through the dimensional rifts are not to bright. Like wild animals wandering their territories, they notice something new. What is it? Some sort of cave? What’s on the other side? Fresh meat? And it doesn’t even hardly put up a fight! But the inter-dim spike? Sounds like someone might have just rang the dinner bell.
Can you "resonance cascade"( al la Half-life)? Perhaps this incursion is going to be pretty bad.
As always, love the story, can' wait for the next chapter. Thanks for sharing with us!
| Nachoman1 chapter 26 . 10/18/2008
I bet you have enough people leaving good reviews, so I just salute you and wish you continue going as you do so far.