|Reviews for Early Discovery|
| Trace Reading chapter 8 . 9/3
It's called a shipyard, not a construction station. Being in space will not change this.
| jgkitarel chapter 2 . 8/4
A good few questions asked, which are the crux of the matter. And basing his revelation on a bible passage that didn't say we were the Special Snowflake? Nice. Too many think that religion can't reconcile such a possibility when it can. It's PEOPLE who have to reconcile truths.
| roseman780 chapter 27 . 8/4
I truly loved the story. My only complaint would be Shepard's first name. You had him called James, Julien, and finally John. Unless there were three different Shepards and I just missed it.
| talon2007 chapter 27 . 5/27
that was great
| codythedude chapter 23 . 5/11
Loving this story so far. I noticed a plot hole though. You mentioned almost 40,000 turian POWs at the end of the Shanxi arc, but nothing else has been said about them.
| mistbornlax chapter 2 . 4/20
Ok, I've got to ask: Are you religious? (Or: Why did you have to bring god into this?)
Just to clarify this: I myself am not a believer (so if you are one you'd most likely call me an heathen or a heretic or something like that...I prefer the label: Atheist), that's why I am asking!
| RedShirt047 chapter 22 . 3/24
Why do you keep referring to Lt. Commander Anderson as Lt. Anderson? Lt. Commanders are referred to as Commanders when the full rank is not used.
Or was he supposed to only be a lieutenant at this point in the timeline and the Lt. Commander references were an error?
| A Very Thirsty Megalomaniac chapter 10 . 3/22
Evil irredeemable batarians ... check.
Unusually helpful and friendly quarian first contact ... check.
The further we get into this, the more familiar the story gets. I imagine that will reverse once we get to proper contact with the Council.
You use a lot of commas before speech that should have a period instead. There are also about three places where a space is missing ... hang on.
"An admirals' work is never sel'ai."
"AllianceActing Admiral Hackett."
"In all likelihood,survive."
There we go.
Not much to say during this chapter, other than that this follows fanon quarian first contact pretty closely. I will say that I approve that you included "getting a look at new technology" as a quarian motivation for helping out. It's understated, but in ME3 they actually have produced a stealth ship similar to the Normandy (it's the ship the admiralty hail the Normandy from) making Ashley's worries about Tali making her home in the OG Normandy's engine core quite justified. They're sneaky, and they've got good memories.
How are quarians closer to resembling humans than batarians? They have digitigrade legs and much more pronounced body shapes (flared out hips in the women, shoulders in the men) than humans. Batarians have additional eyes and weird skin colorations, but they have a much more similar body shape to humanity than the quarians. I thought that was a little odd.
Why more untranslated foreign language? It just annoys me to see it included, because as far as I can tell it serves no purpose beyond author appeal. I am hoping this does not pop up again. I also have difficulty believing that humanity's fleets would have significant elements within itself that cannot communicate with each other because the translators have not caught up yet. Maybe leave those guys home until the technology is there?
Well, I'm looking forward to what is coming next. Sorry if this seems a bit negative, it's just that we are 1/3 on original first contacts so far, and I'm becoming a bit worried about the turians. They've always been my favorite.
Oh, and good work on Hackett's characterization. He's a good leader, but it's clear he's really taken aback at the casualties they've taken and his need to quickly step up. I thought it was a nice touch.
| Vaanarash chapter 16 . 1/14
So the first time I read this story a few months back, I held off on reviewing on the whole Shanxi conflict to see if you addressed the things that stood out to me in later chapters. Then I got side tracked reading the sequel and kind of forgot about the conflict until I started rereading this a couple days ago. Before I go any further, I want to assure you that I do enjoy the story overall, I really do. There are just some things that really stand out to me as listed below.
First issue, is the Turians actually trusting the Batarians. Even setting aside the Batarians reputation (and that fact that none of the council races should really trust them without actual proof of whatever they're claiming) the Turians definitely should have questioned the claim that the humans came through a Turian controlled relay, traveled through who knows how much Turian controlled space to reach the Batarian homeworld, then returned back through the same way, with the Batarians somehow tracking them, all without the Turians being aware of it. Especially if they're going to assume the humans are a primitive species. Even if they accepted all of the above, they still should have questioned the supposed "unprovoked attack" even more so with the Batarian's general attitude to the rest of the galaxy. Seriously, not a single Turian asked the Batarians "and you did nothing to provoke this in any way?". We're talking about a race of slavers here, well known for raiding colonies.
Second, handwaving all of the above aside, it makes no sense for the Turian admiral to leave so much of his fleet behind to "keep things quiet". Supposedly, they're legally following a treaty requiring them to attack the human colony with the Batarians. So why would they need to "keep it quiet"? Because they want to acquire what's in that one cave without anyone being the wiser? How would they even know it was there prior to entering the system? And if they did know beforehand, why hadn't they already gone to collect it black ops style prior to the Batarians demanding they go?
Third, whatever wiped out the Batarian ships coming through the relay. It read like the general was trying to blitz through the needed paperwork to activate some defensive measure, and when he looked up from that everyone was already dead. And it's never explained what the hell happened.
Fourth, the whole "we don't have to follow the rules of war" speech from that one Turian general. What the hell? You say in an authors note that you're trying to not make the Turians look like weak bullies, so instead you make them strong bullies? On the one hand, it makes the Turians come across as blood thirsty as Batarians, on the other hand, you have most of the Turians soldiers looking shocked to be told something like that.
Fifth, the duration of the battle for Shanxi. You did both good and bad here. Without having space/air dominance, it makes perfect sense for the ground war to last that long, and for the actual assault on the main city to come so late in the battle. Great job on that, as it was very realistic for such a fight. The bad comes from it taking a month for an Alliance fleet to arrive. With the relays to speed up travel time, it probably should have only taken a week or two for an Alliance fleet to gather and arrive at Shanxi. Plus, after a month of fighting, the Turian Hierarchy at least has to know that something is up and that they've been misled since no "primitive" species should be able to hold out that long. And just to tie it all together, the Turian numbers are all over the place. First over 50000, then 80000 since they outnumber the alliance by 20000, then after a month of fighting and the orbital bombardment it's still somehow over 80000, then at the start of chapter 17 it's 40000. Now granted, the alliance shouldn't really have a firm grasp on the Turian numbers. The same can't be said for the Turians themselves.
Sixth, that one Asari on the planet. What the hell was she even doing there? She couldn't have come with the Turians or Batarians because the former preferred to do everything themselves, and the latter would probably have enslaved her. Is she a spectre? If so, how would she have even known about Shanxi's existence? And if she knew about it, how did the Council not know about it? The Salarians that observed the battle between the humans and the Batarians as well. How does the Council not already know about the humans and at least some of their capabilities? And if they do know about the battle, then they know the Batarians started that fight since the STG guys saw them bring in a human space station, followed by a human fleet showing up to retrieve said space station. Add to that, there are apparently human mercenaries all over the Terminus systems. How does no one outside the Batarians and Quarians not already know about them?
Just to reiterate, since I know I just dropped a lot of criticism on you here, overall I enjoyed the story immensely. I'm enjoying the sequel almost as much so far. But the above points really, really bug me.
| A Very Thirsty Megalomaniac chapter 9 . 12/5/2016
There is a tendency for commas to be used in place of where periods should be when concluding many lines of dialogue. Ellipses are also implemented incorrectly; there should be spaces before and after them.
I honestly would not worry too much about correcting the above issues. This chapter was written a long time ago, and it might be helpful to look back at it and see what changes you have made.
I really dislike your interpretation of the batarians, but at least you did not go out of your way to start attacking their civilians. Some fanfic authors do not draw the line there, and it reflects well on both you and the characters you have written to refrain from engaging in that kind of atrocity. That being said, they really are written as mustache twirling psychopaths, what with the casual abuse of slaves and referring to slaves only as "slave." I was irritated by the slaves' references to their batarian masters as "master," but that was probably only all too accurate to human slavery so ... it's fine.
I must commend you on stopping short of a human stomp, even if the opening few lines made me roll my eyes a little. They understood they could not defeat all of the ships in the system and eventually made a rather desperate retreat. At the same time, they made the batarians bleed quite a bit. I also like that the singularity occurred totally on accident. It actually made me laugh a little.
Anyway, I liked this chapter a good bit more than the previous chapter, with my favorite scene probably being Hackett speaking to the CO of the Toyota and their last conversation together.
And with that, I'm glad to be out of the First Contact War. Let's see what's next!
| CMVreud chapter 19 . 10/29/2016
A Krogan-starred musical with tap-dancing Vorcha, directed by a Hanar-Elcor duo.
What? The blue Lady wanted to know what happens next.
| CMVreud chapter 9 . 10/29/2016
They should feel honored, these pyjaks are possibly the first species which planet and ships get destroyed by an artificial created black hole.
| CMVreud chapter 8 . 10/29/2016
Sven is definitive getting a HFY award.
| CMVreud chapter 2 . 10/29/2016
"Truth by Kid".
| ArturiusRex8 chapter 18 . 9/2/2016
Previous chapter had doctor pavenmeyer meet an asari captive (illusive man chooses his name after).
This chapter he has never met one.