|Reviews for Perish Song|
| ThePrinceOfPuddles chapter 2 . 2/29
Hello! Theprinceofpuddles here, with a (hopefully) helpful review, from one author to another.
First and foremost, let me just get this out of the way: your story is wonderful. Truly, it's a surprise to see such a well-written story on this site, and one with a nice, coherent plot, little grammar issues (though there are some in the second chapter) and likable characters is a real find.
However, I do need to point out one or two small problems here and there. This is just my opinion, so do with it what you will, but I want this to be the best it can be.
Firstly, there are a few minor inconsistencies with the characters' personalities; in chapter one, for example, the main character's brother (his name is too long and strange for me to remember) seems rather cold and distant, but right at the start of chapter two, he rather jarringly changes to nice, cheerful, and friendly, then sort of back-and-forth until the end. You need to be careful with stuff like that.
Also-and this is less important-the names you give your characters are just a little bit too long and outlandish, and they often sound too similar to one another, like Israfel and the quiet Swablu from chapter one.
Plus, those little add-on tidbits you put in between scene changes don't really help your story much, I feel. They're kind of distracting, and it's often hard to remember what each previous one said.
Now that that's over with, let's talk about your Protagonist, Arael. She's a pretty good character, with a nice balance of positive and negative traits (another extremely rare find here.) However, you may need to be careful with how you handle the pity factor; you don't want to go overboard.
Also, she always seems to disagree with everything and everyone around her; the conductor says a note isn't high enough, she thinks it's too high. Her brother thinks singing is great, she thinks it's pointless. Etc, etc. You may not notice it, but be cautious; having her be at odds with every single thing in your world is a bad start.
Now, let's talk about the coming Antagonists of your story, the Salamence. I very, very much like the concept here: a fearsome enemy tribe that hunts the Altaria down, forcing them to live in fear is a powerful start to their appearance.
However, I think it would be better if we felt their presence a little more in the opening; having the Altaria and Swablu thinking about them and trying to make plans in fear of them a little more would've helped set the tone. I hope they get officially introduced soon; it seems to me that the best chance the Altaria have is to flee, sincerely there's no way in hell an Altaria could beat a Salamence in a fight.
Still, as I said, a wonderful beginning to your story, and I eagerly await the rest.
Take the fight to life,
| Negrek chapter 1 . 6/18/2014
Altaria and salamence are an interesting pair of species to set against one another. They're generally quite rare, though, so I'm wondering when and where this story is set, that there's enough of them to be hanging out in little tribes like this. I would say you have an interesting premise, but it's kind of... someone else's premise. That said, if you do a nice job of executing on it, then you ought to have a solid story.
Unfortunately, nothing really *happens* in this opening chapter. You have characters talking about something that happened... but we never actually get to see anything go on! I imagine you want us to feel sorry for Arael and the other little swablu who've lost parents, but it would be much more effective for you to actually show that happening rather than just dropping it in there as a fact. Generally, I want to see things happening in the text, not read about them secondhand.
I also simply don't buy that none of the swablu but the ones directly affected by the salamence attacks know about it. It just sounds like an excuse for you to an As-You-Know-Bob dump of the situation for us-I mean, anytime you have a character go, "What, you don't know about that?!" it feels a bit contrived. I mean, it's implied that it was only super-recently that anybody figured out that the salamence were the ones actually responsible, but it's generally pretty hard to cover up something like a bunch of mutilated corpses showing up. That's the situation of which horrifying rumors are made-all it takes is one altaria letting it slip to their kid, or a swablu coming across one of the crime scenes (were all these altaria discovered by other altaria) for it to start spreading among the kids. Or, you know, one of the kids who lost a parent mentioning it to someone else. I can't imagine that they're all keeping their mouths shut.
More a personal beef than anything, but the NGE names really look strange for pokemon to me. I mean, you're consistent with them, which is good, but coming across a bunch of references to a completely different franchise definitely took me out of the flow a bit.
Overall, though, your prose is reasonably solid, and you generally manage to keep the kids sounding like kids. There are slips ("a something that that should be filed as one of those fancy tales," what on Earth), but generally the swablu sound convincingly young and carefree. I thought the delivery of the exposition was a bit clumsy, but at least there's the sense that you're not beating around the bush and things will actually start happening soon. You do a decent job of the dialogue, but I would hope to see less of characters just sitting around and talking in future chapters!
In the end, though, I've gotta be honest: the premise sounds a liiittle bit too much like Foregone Conclusion for my taste. I mean, it's one thing to do an homage, that's all well and good, but the question is always what new you're bringing to the table. So far we have a slightly different cast of characters and a different way of opening the story, but otherwise it's looking very, very similar to the original fic, right down to having two segregated (apparently) populations of pokemon, possibly even separated by a mountain range, and based on the summary you're looking at a *very similar* plot. This is only the first chapter, of course, and you could have some wildly original twist lurking just around the corner, but as it is it makes me mildly uncomfortable, especially if you didn't ask elyvorg before posting this. I mean, I'm sure she'd be cool with it and all, but on the other hand I could see how an author might not be so okay with this kind of thing. If you DID get elyvorg's okay before posting this, I think you ought to mention as much!
| ricepeas chapter 1 . 6/16/2014
Good to see that you finally posted this, really like we're it is going so far.
I am going to have to put the moon runes in google translate though.
From the title i assume areal is going to be a singer?
Anyway cool so far keep it up.
| StattStatt chapter 1 . 6/16/2014
Oh, this one. Yeah, I read it a while ago in the file you sent me. And I liked it just as much now as I did then, which is VERY much.
I like the characters, from what we've seen of them. Arael seems a bit reserved, but knowing her past, it makes sense.
Sandalphon seems to be something close to a jerk, but I think he just doesn't want to admit he loves her plike a sister.
The concept in general, I feel, is very similar so far to Broken Smile, and well, this is sort of a prequel, so maybe I'm just pointing out the obvious. Either way, I Love the setting so far.
Guess the Salamance are searching everywere they can.
Keep up the AMAZING work, looking forward for MUCH, muc more! (o'w'o)