|Reviews for Puppet Master|
| BlackCatNeko999 chapter 6 . 2/3
This story is really good. Is there any chance you’ll continue it?
| Iamwhononofyouare chapter 1 . 7/29/2015
So far, so good.
| MissScorp chapter 1 . 7/26/2014
Hi there! Sorry it has taken me so long in which to finally review this story! Okay, I am operating completely fandom blind here, but I love stories and games that are similar to this so I don’t feel I am going to have a problem whatsoever in being able to keep up with what is going on here. That said, on with the review!
What I like about this story is that you drop us right into the aftermath of whatever has happened. Immediately, we are drawn in and left wondering as to just why it is that she’s awaking to a sensation akin to (coughing violently), as if one is expelling water from their lungs. Instantly it lets the reader know that the main character has fallen into some bad way and that that bad way got them dumped into a body of some type of liquid that is trying to drown them.
Also, I must commend you on using the first person POV to narrate this chapter in. This is an excruciatingly hard POV to write from because it’s very exact. You can’t shift to another character’s look, you have to be very exact in the ways you describe your characters actions and expressions, and it’s a very difficult POV in general to get right. You manage it quite nicely and for that, I applaud. I know that it is a very difficult POV to master, which is why I have only used it sparingly in my own works heh
I absolutely love the words you use here: ((... this had a visceral, salty taste to it.)) in order to describe what she’s expelling from her lungs. It’s not (vomit) but it still has a (visceral, salty taste to it) that is akin to bile. It’s a very powerful representation and makes me, as the reader, take notice and ask the question: Well, if it’s not bile, then what is it? It’s a great way to engage me with the narrative and make me interact with it definitely, but it also works to keep me interested because I am going to want my curiosity assuaged at least.
This is a fantastic line of imagery here: ((Flashes of lightning, while nearly blinding, illuminated enough of the rock wall that adjoined the beach to show it was not something I should attempt climbing.)) because it is not only visually appealing to my minds eyes, but it also showcases the dangerousness of the world in which Ellianna has found herself. Immediately I flash to movies I have played where the jagged rocks are illuminated by a streak of lightning and know that that path is a path of certain death.
Another fabulous line of imagery here: ((The end of a paddle oar was protruding from his stomach, its splintered end tearing at a mortal wound that was gushing blood with each breath he gasped in.)). I can easily imagine the oar protruding, the blood gushing and hear the rattle of his every breath. Some people might ‘complain’ that this is overly descriptive, but I disagree. I think that this line wonderfully depicts the drama of the scene. You’ve done a nice job of showcasing what trying to survive being cast into the sea to die has cost this man: his life. It really works to portray just how violent life can be. Even when you are trying to fight to preserve your life, you can end up dying. It’s a very chaotic world and there are no guarantees that you will manage to survive.
Fantastic way of introducing a new element into the mix: ((The dead body beside him suddenly jolted and sat upright.)). I really was tossed for a loop when I read this line because I was instantly drawn into what the hell this creature was that it could just sit bolt upright out of death. I’m a sucker for zombie stories, so for me this hit the Scorp delicious meter all the way.
Wonderful way of showcasing Ellianna’s survival instincts here: ((…I knew was that I had to take action before my brains were spilling out of a hole in my head.)). She knows that she can’t just stay there on the ground, not with this creature coming to devour her. Instincts kick in and she begins to respond, to formulate a plan for survival. It’s her or it, and she’s made the decision that it won’t be her.
Again, another great line of imagery here: ((Blood instantly began spewing from the creature's open wound, spouting upward and outward like one of the beautiful fountains I so adored as a child.)). I love the nearly whimsical feel you spin on it when you highlight how watching the blood spurt reminds her of fountains of water she loved in her youth. It’s macabre and dark and adds an element to Ellianna that makes you question her judgment and values in a sense, but it’s still a wonderful line to inject something of her into the gruesomeness of the scene.
Just a few pointer(s):
((I couldn't find the energy to react and when in ...))- I think you meant (it) instead of (in) here?
Okay, this paragraph: ((I couldn't find the energy to react and when in enveloped my head and filled my throat and lungs with more liquid I violently coughed again, exorcising the salty sea water I had tasted before and springing to a standing form without even thinking.)) is a bit of a mouthful for me. May I suggest reworking this section in this way:
(I couldn’t find the energy to react. When the water crashed over my head and filled my throat and my lungs with more liquid, I violently coughed again, exorcising the salty tasting water. I sprang up to my feet without even thinking, gazing around the beach upon which I stood.)
Again, this is only MY suggestion. You can take it for what it’s worth. Again, it in no way means I am commanding that you must do it :)
((rouge))-did you mean rogue by chance?
((A smile spread across my face as I concluded...))—this is just a minor nitpick, but with the first person, you are very limited in how you can describe things about your own character. Here you have the POV shift to a third person narrator to show her smile. My suggestion would be to go back and incorporate ‘feeling’ like phrases to describe the smile spreading across her lips. An example: (I feel my lips creak, split, my mouth stretching wide with my joy as I concluded…). Again, this is just my suggestion and in no way means that you have to do this :)
In all, very intriguing start and I am curious to see where you take this, despite being fandom blind. Good job!