|Reviews for Empty Chest|
| Agent 94 chapter 4 . 8/1/2014
It seems the first paragraph was suddenly cut into two, best fix that.
You know, guys, at this point I truly doubt you're gonna explain how these Westerners could speak Japanese. A simple, "Yeah, sorry Agent, we're gonna handwave it with auto-translate" would be something.
Whoa, whoa, level 15? In canon, there was no one more than level 11. And really, even from a game designer perspective, would you really allow players grind until that high of a level? Recommend decreasing the number.
Not gonna complain about Kibaou's little rant, it's been done.
Okay, okay, Agil is THE ONLY BLACK MAN IN THE ENTIRE MEETING. Unless I have not been informed of others' ethnicity, that should be addressed. No, it's not racist to state 'the only black guy in the meeting', it's addressing he's a person of colour. Also state his size and his weapons and armor.
Dialogue about uni is good.
"I can roam" is not a good answer, nor is his unwillingness to share information at that moment. Taylor should have state "I use X, I can do role A". Roaming is not a duty, what he should say is 'I'm good at support'.
Taylor uses a glaive, he should be frontlines, as spearmen and pikemen are IRL, not support. Stuff like that you leave for board and blade players.
WAIT WAIT WAIT, how on earth does Diavel get Raynor's inbox? PMs only work for anyone on friends list. It makes no sense that he is able to send Raynor a message. Either have Raynor get news from someone else or have Diavel put up posters.
Nope. Laughing Coffin was formed waaaay further down the storyline. Why on earth would they make their presence known that early? It contradicts logic. Get rid of the mention.
Wait, wait, I get duels but why isn't anyone else duelling? You know, they should all be practicing for this thing but it seems most players are just fine with watching the fight then training. Surely you've seen a group of martial artists training.
Covering only half the face is one of the most common types of helmets in existence dating back to the Viking Age. This makes a lot of sense. Full face helm too, that makes just as much sense. Neither are wrong in this regard.
And this is why you guys should follow Rule No. 1: Fuck Canon. Just hitting it till it dies is utterly boring. Archery ftw. Or at least have some throwing weapons.
The plan is legit, but solo players? In canon, everyone work in groups, save Kirito and Asuna who work in pairs. Why would Diavel allow players going lone wolf when teamwork is better? Ever play Total War? One scattered group is all it needs to make an army rout.
Yeah no, not level 17, 11 is more realistic.
Please don't tell me Taylor will be The Lone Wolf down the line.
We're not sure if Diavel is a teenager or not but I would actually put him in his early 20s in this aspect.
The detail of armor is good, except for Wolfsbane. Is it a sword? An arming sword? How does it look like? How on earth collecting fangs translate into a piece of metal?
Can't tell who is younger when their ages are not mentioned. To reiterate, ages should be detailed.
Raynor's age is never mentioned, and so are most of these characters. You all are writing yourself in the corner when readers are thinking "wait, I thought they were teenagers!" when you don't mention age from time to time.
Hail Mary should be capitalised.
A kodachi can't perform katana moves because katanas and kodachis are two entirely different weapons. A katana, to quote Matt Easton, is a two-handed saber. A kodachi is more a curved, shortsword. To say that both are used in the same way, that is wielded with both hands, is untrue.
What light metal armor? What metal? Iron or steel? Is a breastplate? A vest? Chainmail? What?
Damn, that's how Zi-Dawg died? Well that's one way to have a cameo. Do like how the sunglasses were left behind.
Even if Raynor covered his limbs with 'iron armour', he still covers it with armor. That's not being exposed. Grieves, vambraces, kneepads, faulds, these are armor. Even if it's not fully covered with cloth or chainmail, it's covered.
Okay, there is a big difference between deflecting a blow and absorbing a blow. Deflecting means pushing the weapon away with a shield to reduce its impact. Absorbing is blocking, taking all the force head on. Raynor is blocking/absorbing.
Rule Number 1: Fuck Canon. Actually no, it is canon that shields can dish out damage so this is actually following canon. And why the hell aren't shields classified as offensive weapons? Do you know how deadly a shield is? Have you never used shield bashes in RPGs? How knights would slam the edges of their shields into the face and neck? How a buckler is an iron fist? How whacking someone over the head with a Viking shield is a legit tactic? Sorry no, that's nonsense for an entirely RL and gaming standpoint. Change it.
Why are they going hunting? Shouldn't they be practicing formations? Is the entire raid group going hunting?
Stuff needs fixing. Another okay chapter.
| KuroiAoiShishio chapter 1 . 7/17/2014
Ah, what do we have here? A mountainous Original Character SAO fic... Wonderful... Thanks, Ino...
Right now, all I would have to say is just a great big repeat of what you have already heard. You need more detail. I do, also, think that the dialogue between Raynor and Taylor was a little awkward and rushed, but that may be worked out later on your own accord. So, nothing more now, and on to the next chapter.
| Infinity Soul chapter 3 . 7/16/2014
Looking at the other reviews just now. Read Agent 94's review. He covers it all. Glad I did read the reviews or else things would have been reapeated. Just reading Agent's review makes me go wow. That is what you call dedication.
| Infinity Soul chapter 1 . 7/16/2014
Hello. Finished chapter 1. It is pretty well told, a nice decent length, grammar is alright, and so is spelling. I just got to point out a few things detail wise. Firstly, there is no heavy guardian class. In fact, there is no classes at all in SAO. There is skills that you can level up (blacksmithing for example) that can help you have a class so to speak. Next, there was no tutorial mission for SAO. It was one of the main reasons why so many noobs died in the beginning (not counting suicide). Thirdly, everyone spawned in the Town of Beginnings. No need to walk to it. Also, people don't start the games with shields. They can purchase one early on, but don't start out with one. Also, the Kayaba speech was altered. I have no problem with it, but others might be. Other than that, good first chapter.
P.S- I might submit an OC. Don't know yet. And I'll consider joining the team.
| A Lonely Janitor chapter 1 . 7/16/2014
Lot's of progress and jumping back and forth between characters. Well defined transitions, good grammar, characters don't have much depth to them. This chapter had a lot of motion, but very little character development... at least in my opinion. They act like generic adults and protagonists.
| Agent 94 chapter 3 . 7/15/2014
Idk how giant this memorial stone is supposed to be but in canon it was apparently roughly the size of a large table. The thing is in Black Iron Castle..
Anyway, the way the player died is iffy and good. In canon, only names were written and not the way they died. Whether players can view how people died is fanon and I can't find solid evidence that it's like this in canon. Stating WHO KILLED PLAYERS is a VERY big issue and does contradict canon.
Did your close friend just die? Why, just go to the memorial and find out how he died. Oh look, GrieferAsshole1337 killed him. Better hunt down the fucker and bring him to justice. In canon, especially if you recall the whole plotline of how a player could die in safe zone (episode 5-6), that was a BIG deal. If you state who killed who, the element of mystery and conflict of who killed who disapears. People got around to this by having mobs kill player as in the case with Coper and Kirito, which is not shown in the anime.
Basically, while you can have the reason how someone died (Player1234 killed by decapitation from Skeleton), you shouldn't show which player killed which player.
I like the fact Taylor tries to console her of her loss, it's something. The line 'Damn, he missed those classes' is off though. It shouldn't be there. It's not like we were told that Taylor was into drama and it just feels forced. Best remove it.
The paragraph where Krystal commits suicide was super rushed. It could have another line or two. Remember, they were in Black Iron Castle, the HQ for the army. You just can't have Krystal run God knows how far (from the very little details of geography we know, it must have been rather far) in such a short paragraph. Just add more lines.
The rest of the scene is fine, it captures the feeling of sadness and hopelessness. Like the fact he kinda wants to drink himself for the rest of the game too.
Steeling themselves for a fight is a good line, gazing in awe is not. Would you gaze in awe as you face a fight to the death?
The lack of details impedes the narration. Where is the raid group? A few kilometers outside of a town? While I can understand the leader running away and players also returning to the tavern, the fist fight is super off. Weren't they fighting boars? Are there a group of boars? Are there close enough to town a fist fight can still erupt? It's boggling they would do so while grinding. Thus there must be geographical details.
Still no clue how these Westerners can speak to Japanese people. Heck, even if they're non-Japanese that's enough reason for a language barrier to exist. You should REALLY address this issue.
Are defence, strength and endurance stats? Because if they are, they should be bolded and put into «guilemets».
Anyway, the players strengths and weaknesses are listed well enough and is easy to understand.
Is there actual blood here? Because it seems there is, which is fine by me.
The weapon skill though, its description needs work. I think you guys write well enough that you don't need to write «Smash» or «Stab» or whatever. Frankly you should just ditch any mention of weapon skill and glowing weapons since I guarantee you it would just screw up your writing style.
The fight scene is good. Descriptive enough, gets blood pumping and all the good stuff. The few things that could be fixed as mentioned is you're all better off ditching weapon skills and the rest of the players could use more details in fighting. I know it's told from one person's POV but the rest of the group felt like they did nothing, their presence was nearly non-existent and they only popped up after the fight. There could be a few lines of them fighting, shouting, doing stuff while whatever POV character takes the spotlight.
Huzzah for somewhat realistic video game healing!
Level 8 wolf? Alright, there's another issue with the story: levelling up and story pacing. See, SAO was written in the early 2000s, and a lot of its system including taking forever to grind was something that a lot of MMOs at the time had. In MMOs today, a dedicated couple of weeks and you can pretty much be level 100 already.
The passing of time is really not detailed. How long has it been? I assume it's been some time after the last chapter. But how long? Weeks? A few days? And they're already level so and so? It should theoretically take a few weeks or even two months to reach level 10 as it was in canon where people took TWO months to muster up the gear, level and courage to take on the boss.
So having a level 9 wolf at this stage is super off. No video game designer who knows anything about level pacing and numbers would ever do such a thing. At most, something like that should be a mini-boss and there should be no enemy stronger than the boss. Not saying you did that, but still, the wolf should have been level 6, no more than that.
Okay, first of all, I know of absolutely no game where you can get level recommendations from an ITEM. That should have been in THE QUEST LOG. And since the passage of time is messed up, we don't know if Argo has written her guide thus how would any of them know what the recommended level is in the beta? And even if Taylor was in beta, there is no way he could know what changed in the released state of SAO compared to the beta.
Second, since when the heck do keys get durability? Like really, is that thing made of bread or something that you need to use it before it gets spoiled?
"But Taylor was lying!" you might say. And you'd be right but again, why did the two teens and boy ask him "How did you know that?" or more appropriately "Since when the hell do keys in games have durability?"
Third, it's an item, by video game logic items, weapons and armor only degrade when use. Items that degrade over time is a very rare feature in gaming. The fact that Taylor said the item had a limited time use would set off red flags for any savvy RPG player.
Lastly, where did Taylor walk off too? Was he still in the Starting City? Did he just randomly walk a half hour and reach the entirely, super descriptive, super detailed location?
This section, needs a lot of work.
'The group had been literally swarmed by three creatures'. OH NO! The SEVEN (7!) PLUS PLAYERS were SWARMED by THREE (3!) creatures! What kind of CREATURES? Idk, but they sounded dangerous! It must have been dragons for all we know!
Sarcasm aside, seriously what's with the lack of details? It was just fine a couple of scenes ago. And did the group break off? I understand covering more area means more opportunities to farm but the lack of details makes it seem there's only three of them.
Recommendation: Moar details.
Would recommend try having paragraphs describing action divided into paragraphs of three to four lines or even two to three lines. It'll go much smoother. New idea, new paragraph even if it's just two lines of switching to see other players fighting mobs off.
Oh NOW there's a horde of never ending monsters. Here I thought there was only three (3!). And why is it there's a horde of monsters? Why the horde in an open field? Did six packs of wolves just decided to fight them. I'm all for action scene guys but just because you and your friends are walking through a forest doesn't mean you're gonna ambushed by a horde. This is your typical fantasy RPG, not Left 4 Dead.
The fact there's actual blood is a good thing to make a work dark, but then suddenly bursting into crystals isn't. It would make more sense to have the corpses just stay there instead. Dark Souls did this but the bodies that were left had blood while when bodies disappeared they had no blood.
NPC human enemies. Sigh.
There are no NPC human enemies in canon. Which is fine if you want to give the canon the middle finger as you should do and are doing.
Here's the thing, SAO is an RPG. Taylor's section has basically skipped the quest details. THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT IN RPGS. Even the thugs weren't given proper dialogue and they somehow somewhat repeat what Taylor said (why?). You have missed the opportunity to give SAO more lore, make it more video gamey. It's a real damn shame.
At least Taylor didn't kill them or I would have gone on a massive rant on how killing human beings, even virtual ones, can screw up their mental state.
Oak Hoarder! The mighty sword/spear/shield/halberd/dagger/axe/mace/morningstar! I love the details you've put on it.
Ino has put all her points in speed, why would she have problems with wolves and nepents? She could poke the monsters to death. She should be dancing around them at this point. And what type of speed? DEX or AGI? Weapon movement or body movement? Because a lot of RPGs differentiate this.
Zi's a loner, but has online friends. Ergo, he's not a loner. Could use a line like 'Zi wished Player X from Game A was here to help him out'. Online friends are real friends too.
There's no physical warmth from Ino's hug? If the players can feel pseudo-pain then why not warmth?
Zi died because ... ? I know this may set up for the next chapter but there's no hint at all he was dying. He was in a safe zone, his HP should not have dissipated any further. I am very confused by all this. And Asuna's ... just standing there? Oh well, next chapter then.
I think I've said enough about this chapter. A lot of parts need a lot of reworking, Taylor's especially because come on, a key with durability? Time limit would make more sense. Or Asuna's there because. Really, her presence has no impact on the story whatsoever unless it's a way to show she's a newb like everyone else. Get back to the editing board, Team Dragonstar.
| allen Vth chapter 1 . 7/5/2014
I didn't think there were such things as groups amongst writers. You are the first ones I see.
As for the story, after some transitions, I assumed that the person was the same, not that the third perspective shifted on to another. You should have made it clear like using this () and put the name in between the parenthesis.
Also, it was also a downer that there was none to very little dialogue in the beginning and middle of the chapter. That was when their personalities should have been stated. When the three of them got to talk, I got a sense that they were almost the same in character.
It also seemed like the entire chapter was a tad rushed just to get the whole 'Tragedy of Being Locked in an MMO Game' passed to focus in bigger chapter. I understand that, but it was still a tad rushed.
I feel that more could have been done better, especially in describing how the character looks. Because most was left to the reader's imagination. Which in occasions is good, but in the right time.
| Council chapter 2 . 7/5/2014
mhmm, so, you introduced some more characters, which is good, but once again, they're not popping out. They're very 2d. I don't want look at a character and go "They're a chef", "They're a fisher". I want to read about how one of them has a nose that is too big, and gets made fun of for it. I want to read about something that makes the character look BAD. I want the bad stuff about them. You have five characters that are all near identical, because they're all more or less perfect.
Taylor, again, stands out the most, as you've made him slightly different from the rest. He doesn't like working with other people. It's good, it's a start, but I want more.
Now, just some general, helpful advice. SAO is a long story to write. 100 floors to be exact. That's a lot of writing, even with time skips. It's also incredible hard to get a story line to span 100 floors (2 years) of time. I'd highly suggest you devise "mini story arcs" that span several floors at a time, and although not directly related, each mini story arc pushed the REAL plot forwards somewhat. I know you said you partially enjoyed my SAO story. I have the whole plot planned, and although i will probably never have the time tow rite it all out, the plot is detailed enough to slowly build up over a dozen story arcs, while all contributing to the "final showdown".
My suggestion: Each character in your story has to have their own story, their own Arc, persay. Don't make them pretty either. Make them gritty. For you're SAO story to break away from the others, you need to do it differently. You need to stand out.
Good luck friends :)
| Council chapter 1 . 7/5/2014
So, someone messaged, Ras? I'm thinking it was, to give the story a look over. And so I am.
As every SAO story, it starts off very familiar. I practically skipped through the first half, just glancing at words. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about that, it's simply the intro to the SAO world.
So far, what you've done, is introduce characters. I get that it's the first chapter, but as of yet, I'm struggling to see any defining characteristics that makes a character "him". To be honest, the only character that stands out in the slightest is Taylor, and that's cos I know he drinks wine. It's a weird quirk, and helps me remember that Taylor is "slightly unique". It's not enough though.
For a story, the characters don't necessarily HAVE to be believable, contrary to belief. What they do need to do is STAND OUT. Even if it's just cos one of them likes wine, it makes him STAND OUT. Very important. I would highly suggest you kick around for some more quirks of the other characters. Perhaps there's a necklace one of them wears? Maybe one of them has an accent? Just something. Make the characters YOURS.
Otherwise, good intro. The story is lacking in description however. I see that you are going along the concept of "People know what SAO is, so we won't explain much of how it looks". Which is usually fine for FF standards, but if you want a GREAT story, get a bit of colour in there. Use some fancy words. Describe the brilliant sun to me. I want to hear the boars panting. I want to know how chiselled the blade is when it swings through the air. Give me that goodyness.
I'mma review again on the next chapter. Don't take any of this personally either. It's a good story, i'm just providing suggestiongs :)
| Agent 94 chapter 2 . 7/3/2014
Throughout the fic, Col is not capitalised.
First paragraph, last sentence. Mousey brown hair falls over her eyes as she scans the room? That's an odd sentence. Falls indicate it well, falls and I think you meant something more like 'green eyes peek through brown bangs'.
'Unfortunately the lack of magic impaired her' is a sentence that sounds way off. Now I understand what you meant is that Ino's a mage in most games she plays. But the 'impared' term implies that magic was taken away from her, which doesn't make sense because no one's a mage in this world. Had you write 'the lack of guns impaired her' it would pretty much feel the same. I suggest rewriting it as 'if only she can fling fireballs as she always does in most games' or such other variants. THAT would imply she plays as a mage instead of what I just said earlier.
Really liking the mood of despair, something not many writers can pull off.
'RepetitiveLy dying'. I really wouldn't call this a signature trait because let's face it, players die all the time. Just look at 12 million deaths on Dark Souls 2. And what do you mean she can't just 'run away'? She can do that. Maybe replace that term with something else.
Oh look, a CoD player.
'And that was killing AIs'. That's very general. That would involve NPC humans too. Best just say 'And that was killing'.
You want to have Zi be all Naked Snake with a katana? Go ahead, that's fine. Hell there's a player in GGO that does that and Kirito switches knife for a lightsaber. Here's the thing, SAO would actually BE his forte. The player who thinks he's hotshot running around stabbing fools with a knife can get gunned down. But in a world where people primarily use melee attacks, that can be both good and bad.
Do like the 'he has to pay attention'. A normal multiplayer game whether that be death match or team vs team really has little interaction unless you have a really good team. I can imagine that Zi's biggest challenge will be to learn how to fight with other people, which is totally different than fighting one on one. Totally different mindset is required.
Btw are they all speaking English? Is Kaka Japanese? Can he speak English with these gaijin?
You mean Boar Hide.
No no no. You do not hit a piece of leather on an anvil with a hammer and expect to get leather armor. Leather armor needs boiling, drying, gluing, sewing and a whole other techniques to make. I know it's a game but at least change hammer and anvil to thread and needle. One of them mentions iron and steel armor, you can add Mining if you want.
Well you mention Fishing so I guess that means starvation is a thing (it is right?).
I'd say something about sunglasses but alas, sunglasses have existed for quite a long time (Inuits use them) but I doubt these sunglasses are the ones Inuits used. Also Klein has his bandana somehow anyway.
The rest is dialogue, good dialogue. Captures the nervousness and despair but still that glitter of hope. I am wondering what's with the lack of physical descriptions. You do need them to differentiate between characters. Also since everyone is using made up names, it's also important to differentiate between ethnicities.
You know guys, a bit of environmental description would be nice. Nepents means the forests where Kirito was in canon, but where is this camping spot? Where did he fish? How far were they from each other? It's gonna be problematic down the line if you continue this route if you don't detail dungeons.
Mob names should be capitalised (unless they're generic like wolves) and also be in guillemets thus «Mud Crabs.» And since none of you have used guillemets, I'll tell you that they're French quotation marks. So either turn your language for Word into French or copy paste them somewhere.
Needs moar! details with surrounding and enemies. Otherwise it's another decent, if somewhat unneeded, fight scene.
Here's the thing, SAO was not released world wide. SAO does not have the servers to accommodate hundreds of thousands of people. From the wiki:
"Only 10,000 copies were printed in the first batch of the game, and online sales sold out within seconds. Hard-core gamers waited in line for days to purchase the first few hard copies from many stores."
DAYS. And Kaka waited for hours.
Servers are difficult to manage things. Look at the MMOs of today and how often it crashes when it first comes out. Diablo 3, Sim City, Elder Scrolls Online, and those are major ones. Kawahara rationalised this by only limiting it to 10k (though online donwloads is something I find super iffy). There's no way 'hundreds and thousands of people' could access the games because there were only 1000 beta testers allowed.
Does that mean SAO had worldwide servers? How does that work? The technical parts of this is baffling. If Raynor or Taylor accessed this from their home country of Western-land, that's nonsense. Either you rationalise this by having Raynor or Taylor come to Japan to play the thing or the whole structure falls apart.
Rant over. The rest of the scene needs an explanation of how Kaka cooked fish (presumably over a fire) and that durability line at the end. Durability be damned? What does that mean?
I'm going to combine the last two scenes in this section.
First off, if this 'Urgent Meeting' is by Diavel, it can't be because he did that in another village. I'm gonna assume it really isn't Diavel and some other person because it's too early.
The player guarding the level could use some sort of description.
Game stats like Endurance should be capitalised or shorted like END.
Back to the trio, since we have no idea where they are, it's really hard imagining how dangerous territory they're in actually is. The further away from the City of Beginnings, the more dangerous it is. And since we can't tell if they're only a few kilometers outside the city or halfway through the map, the reader can't tell how high of a risk they're in.
Overall, better than the last. Dialogue seems to be most of your's strong point which is good. Description and details, not really. The reason why Kayaba had everyone reveal their true selves came as a shock because we SAW how people actually were. We can tell that a player is high level according to their armor. But it's all very lacking.
The game elements like servers and Smithing could be fixed a bit better. Gamers notice these inconsistencies so do try to keep in the realm of believability.
| BlueBaronJack chapter 1 . 6/30/2014
Awesome more please! :D
| loring638 chapter 1 . 6/30/2014
| Agent 94 chapter 1 . 6/30/2014
I like the fact that at the very least a thousand copies have been released internationally. However, the 'rightful victors' raises eyebrows. What ARE the conditions to receive SAO? Because if want to speak in the conventional gaming industry sense, journalists would get the game first. Also scientists and military types would be interested it too.
I don't mind Raynor, who I assume is a non-Japanese player, gets the game, but I would prefer to know WHY he gets it. Some random (nationality) gets it because ... ? Does he fly to Japan to play the game? Is he in a hotel somewhere? Because if he's somehow playing the game outside Japan, I'm gonna call you out on it. Servers don't work that way.
On character customisation, since this is the most advance character customisation EVAR, the Race and Build is suspect. Surely skin tone and body mass is something you can specify yourself instead of just picking these options. Most fics would explain in detail how their avatar would look like and this is quite lacking. Something along the lines of 'he looked like a celebrity' is expected. You guys should also give a reason why Raynor chose the Heavy Guardian class. Does he get good armor, a good weapon, what does he sacrifice in return, and so on and so forth.
'Great. Dumb NPCs'. WHY WOULD HE THINK SUCH A THING? Has he not played a Bioware game where you fall in love with your companions and treat them like real people? I cried like a kid if Dogmeat ever dies and immediately reload a save. Here's a rule that should be followed: If modern NPC AI can do something in real life, then Aincrad NPCs can do it too.
Canon isn't clear on what games were actually on the NerveGear before hand. I can imagine a tennis game or any sports game on it. So it really makes me wonder why Raynor said 'he didn't know how to swing his hammer'. If Raynor is a 'rightful victor' that means he has played his fair share of games. And if he's the smart type of gamer, clearly he has read previews on the game and would of course choose to play the tutorial instead of being unsure.
The size of the roach isn't specified so you can at least state it was the size of a cat or something. Here's the thing, he has played other games on the Nerve Gear like the hypothetical tennis game, so it would best to compare it to the games he has played before.
Endurance, there's a problem with that. See, Kawahara is a shit game designer and has not properly explained all the mechanics. Endurance from what I can gleam from the text is well, energy. However, in the fandom, there's this underlying theory that if a player is tired, it's because their mind is tired. Willpower is what makes a player strong.
If say, two players are essentially clones of one another and have the same stats, the player with the higher willpower can be 'stronger'. It's how Asuna ran super fast to save Kirito or how Kirito somehow managed to kill Heathcliff before he faded away. So do try to have this willpower thing in mind when writing. I could go on ranting about stats in RPGs but that's a whole other essay.
Okay, Raynor has a new shield. What TYPE of shield? Heater? Kite? Round/Viking? Zulu? Tower? Pavise? Details.
'Weight meant quality'. No, cover means quality. Durability means quality. Heavy does not equal good, the type of shield and the circumstances used makes a shield good. A buckler is for parry/punching, kite shields are for horsemen, pavises are for crossbowmen. Raynor as the 'Rightful Victor' really makes me question if he knows what he's talking about.
Col should be capitalised.
What town is he in? In canon, all ten thousand or less players are gathered in the Beginning City and it should be stated as such, not some random town.
The Game Master makes his dramatic appearance, the GM is not at all described physically.
I'm kind of glad that Kayaba's speech is skipped, God knows how many times that has been done.
'my loyal players'. They just started playing the thing how are they at all loyal?
Kayaba's last sentence really makes no sense. '100 floors, and good luck'. It's as if there should be a line before that.
The last line of Raynor's scene, we don't know what he's thinking, we don't know what his plan is, he just kinda shrugged as GTFO out of the city. We should have gotten some sort of his thoughts on the whole thing.
'Raz couldn't see himself but he liked to go the extra mile'. So? We can't see ourselves either but we humans spend a lot of time making sure we look all nice and good looking. I don't see how this is different from making his avatar with the same sort of mindset.
His hair is different from his avatar's hair, and you're totally not gonna tell the readers the difference.
Taylor, the something year old something occupation stood in Raz's place.
HOW COULD TAYLOR FORGET KAYABA'S NAME?! TAYLOR IS CLEARLY A FOREIGNER BECAUSE IT'S NOT MENTIONED IF HE'S FROM JAPAN. CLEARLY THESE RIGHTFUL VICTORS WOULD KNOW THE NAME OF THE GUY WHO GAVE THEM A COPY OF THE GAME! I DON'T EVEN ... ARGH!
Taylor: Hi I'm a white guy in Japan.
Raynor: Hi, I'm also a white guy in Japan.
Taylor: So are you a local?
Raynor: I'm not gonna explain it to you.
Taylor: Me neither!
Raynor: How do you know I'm white? I haven't been give a proper physical description.
Taylor: Me neither. I'm thinking I'm half Arab, half Japanese with blue hair, y'know?
Kaka got the game from his friend. Thank God, it's actually explained how someone got the game. He also contemplates suicide if it was some sort of joke, also good.
WHY IS MAKING FRIENDS A BAD IDEA?! If you play any MMO there's a good chance someone wants to party with you. Safety in numbers. A group survives better than being alone. Why is Kaka not thinking properly?
Kaka complains that there's no magic system in the game and he can't play as a mage. Good, we can see how his character is with this sort of playstyle mindset.
Fishing and cooking? You can't die of starvation in SAO. Kirito has been known in canon to go without eating for long periods of time. If you have purposely changed this then that's fine, but give a good reason why starvation is a threat. Say they have a hunger meter or something.
Why FISHING and COOKING? Cooking is more important of the two. Kaka can hunt for food, he can buy food, heck, he can farm if he wants if you want to go all Minecraft on it.
You don't swing a glaive horizontally, that's not how you use a polearm. You thrust and you chop downwards. You don’t need to be master to use polearms, it’s a blade on a stick, it should not be something hard to understand. And they fought Boars, not pigs.
Already mentioned the problem with Endurance (stats should be capitalised), not gonna repeat it.
Taylor plans to be a smith, an armor smith it looks like. Good, that’s proper planning.
Yes, because mana potions are in every RPG ever as opposed to MOST FANTASY RPGs. There’s magic in modern settings too you know, and many don’t use mana potion. I know this is a very general statement but dammit, they’re gamers, they should know that RPGs vary wildly.
‘In most games, houses were only for those who had nothing to spend it out’. THIS SENTENCE IS SO WRONG. Have you not played a game where your house is your savepoint like every Grand Theft Auto game ever? How about in Elder Scrolls where houses are for storage purposes? Or how about simulation games? Or houses as shelter in most survival games? Come on guys, you can do better than this.
First it was a pig, now it is a boar. Really need to re-edit this chapter.
Asian should be capitalised. Wait, why is he specifically mentioned as Asian? They're in Japan for crying out loud, most of them ARE Asian! And what type of Asian? Filipino? Japanese? Chinese? Malay? Indonesian? Burmese? Heck, Arabs are technically Asians. This is insensitive. I am offended as an Asian person.
It’s not stated where these guys are when they’re attacked.
Why are there in a hurry to get out of the Beginning City? In canon, most players actually stayed in the city for a few weeks before going out, waiting for the authorities to bust them out. It'd be safer for them to stay the night and head out the next morning. The reason why Kirito ran out so early is because he knew the way, he looked out for himself and he was confident he could take on any challenges.
‘The Asian guy summoned a sword’. Then why did he not have the sword on his belt in the first place? What an idiot.
Now Kaka summons a sword. This is the equivalent of going to the battlefield with your gear still in your bag.
It’s not stated where there is alcohol in canon, however in the Progressive Manga, Asuna encounters two players that were drinking and clearly drunk. You can keep the sober alcohol theme if you want, it makes little difference.
Someone is called a pussy for being drinking wine. This character is an asshole. Does that mean people who don’t drink are worse pussies?
This chapter is messy. It’s written well enough structurally but when broken down it’s clear there’s a LOT of things that went wrong. Not explained why a couple of white dudes get SAO, racial insensitivity, ‘gamers’ who know nothing of gaming and a whole slew of details that doesn’t fit.
What this chapter needs is to be re-edited, gameplay elements should be confirmed, characters’ actions needs to be re-examined. It can be good, but it really does need huge re-edits.