Reviews for The Red Queen
admiralsakai.wikitroid chapter 13 . 7/7/2019
This story has some serious problems, and is an absolute chore to read.

I suppose in the most abstract of senses the premise isn’t *bad*, but it and “betrayal fics” like it *are* incredibly overdone and more to the point you still have to *do* something with the premise other than just “the main character has teh sadz and is #foreveralone”. This ‘fic doesn’t really have that. The idea of Ruby having to live in the wilds and befriend Grimm I suppose could work (see below), as could there being what is essentially a murder mystery at Beacon with a bunch of people trying to find out how and why a student was killed. But this story cannot decide on actually *doing* either of these things, nor does it find any way to synthesize the ideas into a cohesive whole- rather, it is meandering and directionless.

In terms of its execution there are a lot of other issues as well:

1: The prose is overwrought and rambling. Fancier words are used when a simpler one would do, and *twenty* words are used when *five* would do. Some things (mostly pertaining to Ruby) are ridiculously overdescribed to fill in details absolutely nobody actually cares about, and other things are glossed over. To make matters worse as the ‘fic goes on characters will often rehash entire scenes that *the reader already saw*, taking up paragraphs upon paragraphs without providing anything new.

2: Mechanically, the writing is flawed. There’s a lot of sentence fragments, misattributed dialogue, words that don’t mean what you think they mean, and misspellings. Coupled with Point 1 above, this makes the story very difficult to read and comprehend at even the most basic level.

3: There is a bunch of pointless symbolism that doesn’t really accomplish anything. References, symbolic connections, and other such things are like literary sprinkles. When the reader finds one in the story, if it’s cleverly hidden, they say ‘oh, hey, that’s neat!’ and feel clever for having figured it out, *and then they move on and try to find something more substantial in the content of the work itself*. Tossing sprinkles constantly in our faces by the handful completely defeats the point, and to make matters worse the ‘fic *derails its own plot so that symbolism can happen*, sacrificing a *lot* in terms of pacing, structure, and overall readability for a very small payoff. And that’s not even counting the stuff that seems to exist for literally no purpose and connect to nothing, like a character whose name is “Cold Fire” spelled backwards but has nothing at all else to do with either cold or fire. Nobody *cares* that you have read Alice in Wonderland, and anybody who *does* care that much about Alice in Wonderland itself will be reading Alice in Wonderland fanfiction and not RWBY fanfiction.

4: There is a bunch of philosophical rambling about darkness and innocence and killing which also amounts to nothing whatsoever and simply pads out the story beyond any natural length.

5: Ruby herself is a massive Mary Sue. She is always right, has nearly every ability, and even when she loses a fight it turns around to benefit her in the end by making her edgier and more “badass”. The entire plot revolves around her, and all of the other characters define themselves in relation *to* her- either they are good people because they admire and support her, or they are bad people because they either resent her or are one-dimensional MRA cutouts who want to rape her (more on this below). Even the narration itself preferentially favors her, describing her gear and outfits in ludicrous detail when other characters are lucky to ever get a hair and eye color.

6: The ‘fic goes out of its way to use weirdly sexual imagery when describing Ruby and particularly her interactions with both rapey male villain characters and the grimm she ‘subjugates’. And it also describes her repeatedly as ‘child’-like or ‘doll’-like.

7: In keeping with the above, the ‘fic goes out of its way to be *edgy*, with a lot of rape and gore and death and INNER DARKNESSSSSSSSS and red-and-black bone costumes that all accomplishes… not a lot. There is very little pathos and very little sense of stakes.
PoofyOhio chapter 25 . 5/28/2019
I am disappointed yet satisfied, this is an odd feeling. This was great though.
PoofyOhio chapter 1 . 5/27/2019
Not gonna lie, as an older sibling reading this made me want to commit murder.
Rook-385 chapter 25 . 4/17/2019
I just binged this whole fic! It was amazingly well written thanks for writing this and I cannot wait to read the sequel tomorrow morning!
Guest chapter 25 . 4/11/2019
This would have been better if Yang and Jaune betrayed Ruby as well.

An amazing story became sub-par because of that one fact.
Nihai chapter 1 . 1/23/2019
Well, I liked the idea but... execution isnt perfect. I mean some characters are acting too OOC(out of character). Hogging attention? really? Bu I like the story overall though
Brabbit Lohan chapter 2 . 1/18/2019
Ugh, Yang didn't even question passing out from a drink? Never seen any Grim near them before waking up in "hospital"? Ugh the disbelief is real, its like character brains have been sliced and diced into 100 parts and 99 of them taken away, to make these character thoughts actually possible. much sad, very sad
Brabbit Lohan chapter 1 . 1/18/2019
Lets ignore the blatantly ODD personalities that make no sense and some of the characters that would never act like that.

It's clear they all know Ruby is strong, so why would they ... nvm i can't even be asked to finish this comment, every1 knows what i mean anyway.

Besides the plot and character actions that make almost 0 sense, I like the premise, something fresh.
Ethos The ET chapter 21 . 12/10/2018
For Monty.
Ethos The ET chapter 4 . 12/9/2018
This is SO amazing! Heartbreaking but amazing! also THATS what "Dinah" means!? that's some beautiful ironic artwork right there.
Ethos The ET chapter 1 . 12/8/2018
this is heartbreaking and makes me very sick to my stomach… I say you did a really good job!
Guest chapter 25 . 9/10/2018
How is this a rated T story
Shiraiui chapter 25 . 8/10/2018
I really thought that she would kill Phyrah first sadly she didnt but... im looking forward to see more carnage cause by our little Ruby xD
Shiraiui chapter 1 . 8/9/2018
When i saw this fanfic for the first time i was like oh dear this will be good. 1 chapter later... Omg why am i crying
Homerthe27 chapter 25 . 6/30/2018
This story has been a ride. Rubyʻs fall from grace and seeing how different her teammates are from the original show is indeed an interesting take on the story. Also, I like how the Grimm was presented at the beginning of the story, with them hating humans for killing them. My only concern with the story is that Rubyʻs decision at the end is a little out of character (As out of character a demented version of a character created for a fanfiction could be) and her lines come off a little cheesy. Also, your writing for the Grimm just kinda disappeared after a while which was a shame because I really enjoyed that. However, I did like your attempt at world building with the s classes and I really appreciate that you made sure that Rubyʻs favorite food was strawberry. An overall good story, I hope in the next story we see what happens to Rubyʻs "friends" and how Oz deals with them and how they deal with eachother
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