|Reviews for Frozen Heart (rewriting)|
| GirlFish chapter 10 . 1/23
If this is the FIRST memory, then things are going to get worse-like the memories of the place of where she is now...the army.
And the army isn't a place for just anyone to be.
First, those who enter that scene, they must first train for many days before they're deemed ready for the TRUE battle field...where ever that might be.
And even then, I'm not sure how many are given that honer of being one of the higher ranked...
| suburbantimewaster chapter 9 . 12/6/2015
This was really interesting how Colleen meets the tooth fairy and how Pitch plans on bringing back the Dark Ages. Though I do wonder what caused her and Jack to have a falling out.
| suburbantimewaster chapter 8 . 5/23/2015
An interesting chapter, though the scene with Pitch and Colleen felt like, I Have You Now, My Pretty. However, I am glad that it was more about Pitch getting high off of Colleen's nightmares and less about Pitch finding her attractive. It's weird seeing a tough army girl play the part of damsel in distress, but I guess Colleen against Pitch is like Harry Potter against the dementors. Though, it would be interesting to see Colleen find the strength to fight Pitch within herself. There's one thing that bothers me. The whole, Jack knowing Colleen since she was a kid and then falling in love with her as an adult feels a bit like wife husbandry, if you don't mind me saying. The parts about Jack saying that he sometimes spied on Colleen feels a bit like stalking. I also like that you're staying true to canon. I know the Easter Bunny told Jack that no one believes in him, but he didn't say that no one ever believed in him. Forgive me for saying but, if there are people that believe in astrology, then there are people that believe in Jack Frost.
| nekoFlein chapter 11 . 3/17/2015
Very interesting story so far. Well written and it's nice to see an adult main character. Please keep up the good work, I hope to read the next chapter soon!
| InSaNe ImMiE chapter 11 . 2/21/2015
Wow, amazing story so far, seriously almost cried at the worst memory ;-;
| FMAlover32 chapter 11 . 1/27/2015
Omg update! This is sooo good!
| Fenrir Wylde Razgriz chapter 11 . 1/21/2015
ok nice, i'll tag along with your story
| suburbantimewaster chapter 7 . 12/23/2014
Wow, I love that Jack and Colleen reunited and had fun!
| suburbantimewaster chapter 6 . 10/21/2014
This just gets better and better! Love the chemistry between Jack and Colleen!
| suburbantimewaster chapter 5 . 10/21/2014
Another great chapter! I love how you went into detail about Colleen's past and how Pitch explains his motivations.
| suburbantimewaster chapter 4 . 10/20/2014
Another great chapter! I like how Jack and Colleen's personalities clash.
| suburbantimewaster chapter 3 . 10/20/2014
I'm so happy Colleen remembers Jack Frost again! Another great chapter!
| suburbantimewaster chapter 2 . 10/18/2014
I'd ask if Colleen was okay but, considering that you have eight chapters after this, I already know the answer. Anyway, love the description of military training and how Jack finds it barbaric.
| suburbantimewaster chapter 1 . 10/15/2014
I finally saw Rise of the Guardians, so I can read your story. I'd say you're off to a good start. It makes sense that Pitch would attack adults, especially army soldiers. I also love how Colleen played with Jack Frost when they were kids.
| Scorpiofreak chapter 1 . 9/21/2014
Sometimes in a FanFiction fandom notorious for bad writing and OC's, it's difficult to make your own because you're influenced by all the other bad OC's of the section. It's even more difficult to get your story recognized, regardless of whether your OC is a Mary Sue or an actual well-constructed character, because most constructive readers automatically get turned off when they see an OC story, especially if it involves romance and the canon character that's paired up the most with other characters, like Jack Frost. Sometimes, an OC story can get well recognized in the ROTG fandom, I've heard of a few stories, but they're usually not romance. The authors chose to play with ideas that haven't been done a million times before. You of course are doing a whole military spin to your story, which is unique, but at it's core with the Jack/OC pairing, I don't think there's much you can do within the story that hasn't essentially been done before. I'm not saying it's impossible, just extremely difficult. You can end up trying and failing several times before actually breaking any ground. The nifty thing about Fanfic is you can always go back and make as many changes as you need.
That being said, if you're looking to make a popular story, maybe try taking a different approach. However, if you're not looking for that and you're focused more on improving as a writer, than of course practice makes perfect.
As for your prologue chapter, your character does not seem like a Mary Sue (and believe me, you can always tell right away when a story contains a Mary Sue), but at the same time, there's always room for improvement. If you feel like your character is a Mary Sue, or just lacking in general, I would suggest looking around for writing websites and reading up on what exactly makes a good original character, and what does not. AND, if you're dealing with FanFiction, it's not always the OC itself that's the problem, it's the way they interact with and influence the canon characters. Now THAT, is a very important thing to keep in mind. Most people hate OC stories because the story often ends up butchering their favorite characters and people don't usually appreciate that. Surprise, Surprise.
Writing original character stories is hard, but they're suppose to be. In my opinion, if someone thinks of an OC right on the spot and finds them easy to write from the get-go, than that OC is more than likely a Mary Sue.
As for the rest of chapter, the flow is good. It's focused and easy to follow, but more imagery and filler is never a bad thing. Unless you're me of course. I have the tendency to ramble in my stories. Sometimes it's a good thing, especially with one-shots, but with a multi-chapter story, it can really drag the storyline on. However, in my experience, people seem to prefer stories with overly slow paces rather than stories with overly fast paces. Finding a good balance between the two is also an important key. As far as the prologue chapter, your pace seems fine, but of course I would have to read a few more chapters to be totally certain.
Sentence structure, grammar, comma placement, and spelling seems all in check. That's far more important than some readers realize. You can have the most profound storyline and OC on the entire website, but it won't mean jack if the structure of the content is too annoying and frustrating to read.
Sorry for the long essay I wrote about OC's, but that's just something I would initially bring up to anybody asking me to read a story containing an OC. It's good to get the broad, in-general stuff out of the way in the prologue. If you want criticism that's more in-depth, I'll have to read a few more chapters, get a feel for where the story is going.
I hope this was useful to you! While you are working to improve your writing skills, I'm working to improve my Beta Reading skills. Sometimes I get off point and ramble, so if there's any questions you have that I didn't answer, or any specific areas or concepts I didn't address, feel free to bring them to my attention!