|Reviews for Neververse|
| LP chapter 5 . 6/14/2016
I only discovered this fic by seeing it nominated in the TMNT Mature Fanfic Competition on tumblr. I'm so sorry I didn't see it sooner because it is amazing! I normally can't stand OCs but your OCs are so well-written that I can't help but like them. I love how there's more depth to April and Casey. I love the less-than-ideal relationship the turtles have with Splinter. And I love, love, love the unresolved sexual tension between Leo and Don! It's so clear there's something more between them but Leo is either oblivious or in denial. I think Don is fully aware but afraid of the reaction from his brothers. I think Sparrow knows too or at least suspects.
Please, please, please finish this story! It's too good to leave open like this.
| Lolita Queen chapter 5 . 1/18/2016
Hello ! J'ai vu sur ton profil que tu parlais français donc je me permets d'écrire cette review en français parce que c'est plus simple pour moi.
Alors, j'ai vu que apparemment tu ne fais plus partis du fandom TMNT et que tu ne terminera certainement pas cette fic', ce qui est vraiment trop dommage ! En tous cas laisse moi te dire que j'ai adoré, j'ai dévoré ces 5 chapitres, surtout les 3 derniers ! Non seulement je pressens mon pairaing préféré, le Léotello, mais en plus c'est divinement bien écrit, l'histoire prend son temps et vraiment j'ai sentit mon cœur battre durant la lecteur des trois derniers chapitres, c'était tellement, tellement intense !
Enfin bref, je follow la fic, juste au cas ou on ne sais jamais un miracle se produirait et tu déciderais de la reprendre x')
| Coffeeflavored chapter 5 . 12/27/2015
I read your bio to see why you stopped updating this and it really is a shame. Understandable, cause fandom drama totally sucks, but a shame.
This truly is an amazing piece of writing not often seen (and believe me, I've almost made it my job to search for stuff of this quality) and when I first found it earlier this day I was completely blown away by just the first few paragraphs! The element of reality you have in this fic, yet still keeping true to the boys characters, is VERY satisfying to read. There's a lot I could complement you on, but honesty I'm not sure if you'd be annoyed at someone from a fandom you cut ties with gushing on about a fic you abandoned, so I'll just end it with this;
Thank you for writing this. Even if you didn't finish it, even if you maybe regret getting into the fandom, it was a true pleasure to read and it made my day. So, thank you 3
| Guest chapter 5 . 3/1/2015
I so love this story! It is so well-written. Please, update again soon!
| Juanita27 chapter 1 . 11/8/2014
Wow, this story is amazing. The writing style is fantastic, the plot is interesting, and the characters personalities and mannerisms are perfect. I am looking forward to reading what you have posted thus far, and future updates. Very surprised this story doesn't have more follows- maybe majority reading on DA? Thanks for sharing this story.
| Kryptonita chapter 5 . 9/25/2014
Hurray!Finally I have time to read Neververse! (yay!)
This chapter has a slow but intriguing tone. I like how from an event in the bathroom triggers a sequence of intrigue: the turtles may or may not be in danger from the people inside the facility (I am with Raph on this), the plan of Donatello on the trial (also I liked that they will blame for their actions to Splinter, like a scapegoat). But also make me wondering how they will blame Splinter and will say that his master is a human without tests, I mean, people want to know where is their master to catch him and put him on jail or whatever for his actions. But blah, maybe I'm getting ahead to the events (again, sorry).
And what happened to Donatello in the hospital broke my little heart. Poor brainiac. But I liked that he told everything to Leo for make him feels good.
In a nutshell: I wait impatiently for the next chapter!
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/23/2014
PS: defending your mistakes on the basis English speakers also make mistakes is beside the point. You're not being compared to them, YOUR work is being critiqued on its own merits. If you were truly receptive to genuine feedback you would want to improve these aspects rather than brush them off on the basis there are errors in other people's work.
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/23/2014
"They talk between themselves at first" - should be "they talked between themselves at first" for a start off but real people are more likely to say "they talked to each other to begin with" or "to start off".
"Then, this one got in the front" - no one would say it like that. They would say "Then this one got in front". And in fact, the "the" is gramatically incorrect and unnecessary even for the written word.
"Enchained" - no one outside of an Oxford English scholar would use this word when speaking, especially a hardboiled NYC cop. He'd say "you're in chains" or "you're tied up".
"You are highly disrepsectful at the moment" - more likely someone would say "you are being highly disrespectful at the moment" or "right now" for more informal conversations.
"Not at this time" - more likely someone would say "not right now", or, more formally "not at this moment".
I guess if you want to present Splinter as not being as familiar with English, then these mistakes will fit for him and even enhance his characterization but when it's every single character, it jars and is unnatural.
"Let's go to the surface to blow some steam off" - it's "blow off some steam". That's just a flat-out mistake.
They are subtle differences but obvious when you have an intimate familiarity with the language, which is why I figured your beta must not be a native speaker of the language. The way you have written some things are not necessarily "wrong" BUT IT IS NOT THE WAY REAL PEOPLE TALK. And in the above examples there are several things wrong. And that's not even half-way through the first chapter. I got sick of it and stopped so it's just an example.
I'm sure it's the same in French: the way people write and the way they talk are different. Both are correct, but if you want your dialogue to sound like real dialogue you have to have a real knowledge of the language. I'm not sure who's crawling up your ass telling you these obvious mistakes are correct but it's very clear you are unable to take real, genuine criticism regardless which is another reason I won't bother pointing out any more of your errors. It's hilarious you ask for real feedback and then, when you get it, reject it outright whilst criticizing everyone else for not listening to you and acting butthurt about the feedback you have gotten (whip yourself? Really? Grow up). I don't want to rant for the "pleasure" of it, I AM GIVING YOU HONEST FEEDBACK TO IMPROVE YOUR WRITING. If you can't hack it, that's your business but it doesn't change that what I'm saying about your dialogue is fact.
I am certainly not going to go to the trouble of combing through such a massive work and making corrections just so you can turn your nose up at them. This will be my last review. I guess you have proven you are not interested in genuine feedback unless it's brown nosing.
| Koalagriton chapter 5 . 9/23/2014
Seeing you have posted a new chapter always makes me very happy! I put aside what I have to do and make time to sit down quietly with a cup of tea ready to be inmersed in your Neververse. I love the long chapters; I devour them gladly and by the end I always wish there was more... My favourite was the part from Dr. Sparrow's POV (not only because I am a psychologist myself, hehe), the interviews were so intense! Right now this story is everything I love in a good read. The quirky dialogues, the darkness/light in the characters, the difficult/twisted situations that would challenge anyone in their "sane" mind... it all makes for a unique story where actions and reactions are not cliché and over-written.
I think people who have only lived through the last years of TMNT forget how different the characters and stories were in each "reincarnation" of the franchise. Also, character/personality is not something rigid and unchanging. The beauty of fanfiction is putting your characters in different/complicated/extreme situations and imagining what comes out. If each person will always act the same way no matter the situation or variables it will make for a very boring and predictable story. I cannot wait for your next chapter to see what happens!
| Guest chapter 5 . 9/22/2014
Okay if your beta is a native English speaker then they need to do a better job. They need to fix your dialogue so it is not so stilted and unnatural and they need to edit your prose for rhythm and syntax. Judging by the resistance you put up to my review, perhaps they are afraid to be more brutally honest with you, but if you allow them to be, your work will be better for it.
As for the rest, of course you can take it or leave it. It seems you didn't let my words get past your gag reflex, but that's your decision. It's your story so you can do as you wish with it and it's really neither here nor there.
But my comments about your prose and dialogue are objective fact. Either your beta needs to do a better job in that respect or you need to allow them to be harsher with you.
| Guest chapter 4 . 9/22/2014
Okay, this fic has potential. It seems English is your second language which explains the unnatural dialogue and the stilted prose and the grammatical errors and occasional misuse of words - that's understandable. I recommend getting an English speaking beta to help you, especially with the dialogue... it just isn't the way people talk and therefore it's jarring.
Some of the characterization is really off. I cannot believe Leonardo would tell a practical stranger to pass on a message that he can't wait to hold his brother in his arms. Leonardo would never give away something like that. Michelangelo's crudity does not ring true, either, nor does his meanness. Overall it feels like your character portrayals are quite superficial. You obviously like these characters a lot and are trying to do them justice, but they feel very one dimensional and cliche, as though you are just ticking boxes rather than attempting to delve deep with them and when you do try to add depth it comes off quite false and, to be blunt, trying too hard. In fact a lot of the "adult" content you have attempted to insert comes off quite contrived. I like Ninja Turtles stories that are mature in tone but when it is obviously done to make a statement - as I feel your work is - it becomes awkward and cringe-inducing.
I did enjoy the depth you gave to April. So far she has read the most insightfully and perceptively depicted and it's therefore a shame she hasn't really been in the story very much while you waste time on OCs that aren't as interesting.
I would recommend shortening the chapters - bloated chapters are off-putting to readers and because of the language barrier the story will be easier to digest if the content is broken into shorter chapters. I am aware the issues with your prose are because you are not a native English speaker - and I commend you for a job well done as it can't be easy to write in a second language - nonetheless those issues make your prose difficult to read at times and the problem can be partially addressed by breaking the story down. Also, frankly, the story drags in these huge chapters. It will feel pacier to break it up and will also give readers more frequent points they feel they can take a break as they need to. It's a psychological trick, but it is effective.
Keep working at it!
| Kryptonita chapter 4 . 9/20/2014
And the last chapter (cries). I forgot to comment on the previous review that the end of the third chapter was brutal.
This chapter compared to the others was ... weird. Nevertheless that after spending so much time locked up there, being analyzed by Jeanne, and now it is a very possible that in the future the turtles can walk among humans with confidence (if they can run away of the facilities). And the kiss part of Donnie and Leo also feel weird. But at the same point that things make me wondering of the futur of this fic: what will happen if they leave there, the feelings of Raph about April ("its a friend, only a friend", HA), the feelings of Leo and Don, their lives on a World who knows of their existence. Its weird but I am curious of know more about.
And also I liked how you've paired each turtle in the rooms!
| Kryptonita chapter 3 . 9/20/2014
Ok, that was an interesting chapter because you focused with the character of Jeanne on each one of turtles: on their personalities, on how each one of them reacted with the interrogation (I laugh so hard with Mikey flirting with Jeanne), on how they reacted with the fact of their birthday.
And also the realism of your fic: you dont try to disguise the cruelty or the morbid scenes with a bunch of kind words. The life comprises sex, violence and people with problems; not everything is cute and when people open their mouth only say rainbow-words. For example: you give at your OCS a life, one that it's credibly; you show us the turtles masturbating (like Mikey on the interrogate) because, Jesus, they all have needs. April is not a smiling girl who is always here for the turtles and only give cute kisses to Casey: she has problems, big problems, she doesn't know how to deal with them, and she fuck up her life (and also fucks Casey to run away of their problems).But at the same time you make jokes and create humor scenes without ruined environment. You can combine cruelty with humour perfectly.
And the new character, Jeanne, and her job with the turtles are very interesting. I liked the nicknames that have put them to the turtles and the fact that Raphael tried to escape from there and refused to wear the uniform (typical of that stubborn).
But I have to say something that bother me a bit: I notice that sometimes some paragraphs or phrases are somewhat repetitive. I mean: for example this paragraph of your fic ("She didnt tell the chief of security she feared the turtles would use such an opportunity to get the Hell out of here. To be honest, she wouldnt blame them for trying but she wasnt eager to be the only (...) She may be a little silly and witty but she..."). The sound of "she" is constant. You constantly repeat that throughout this chapter (the problem of repeat often a pronoun or a noun) occurs. Sometimes a noun repeated several times is fine for emphasis and stuff, but when repeated more than four times is annoying. Same with pronouns.
But bah, its okay. I see that with each chapter you improve those things.
| Kryptonita chapter 2 . 9/20/2014
I've told you that I love how you build the personalities of April and the turtles? Ha? You know it? I like that April is not comfortable with the life that is taking with Casey: that oprimidad she feels coz she has not life and because she can not hold a decent conversation with her silly boyfriend and stuff (Yay!). And she knows so well the turtles because she knows they are in a mess only because Donatello has not sent a message to her mobile. Also the end of this chapter gave me a little shellshocked. Poor April... but the end was sooooo goddammit good.
On another hand, the part of the turtles was so good, tho. The beginning of the chapter with all the descriptions of the cell and the reactions of Mikey were awesome. And also the part of the turtles speaking in Quenya made my day (but goddammit Raph: he ruined that beautiful language with his grumpy voice); and the respond of Donatello about the fact of Splinter not going to save them was brillant (because in all fanfics when his sons are in dangerous, he aaaaalways go to the rescute).
And, and, and, the OCs of your fic, I have no words to describe how much I love them: Miller maybe he appears on Mirage, but you give him a stronge personality, and also Elisabeth (I liked her! And her relationship with Mikey).
And the part of the vets was soooo great.
God, I love this fic.
| Kryptonita chapter 1 . 9/7/2014
So... I've decided to read this fic coz someone recommended me it and because it's an AU based on Mirage comics. So, yep, all those things were too tempting and I couldn't resist reading Neververse.
I have to admit that in a first place, I thought that I was reading a hard-boiled novel, with all those stuffs of the police Anton and the darkness of how you write the scenery and the events. Pretty cool, seriously. But also you including those little moments of humour (like the explanation of Anton about the turtles: "And it was still, so still it looked like some grotesque prop for a movie. Invasion of the giant turtles would have been a good title for an 80's movie featuring those freaks". I laughed so hard with that sentence. It's the sentence how the people who are not in the TMNT fandom explains it). In summary: Your writing remember me to the author Christopher Moore, really (even if english is not your mother tongue).
Furthermore, in this chapter I have seen that you describe the turtles like a combination of the personalities of various universes of TMNT: they have that dark side and bloody of Mirage; antics and nonsense of 2012 Series; and even more sexual aspects of the 2014 Turtles. I have to say that Donatello is not the most strikes me about his brothers, but in this fic you can not escape of falling in love for him and only with a fucking chapter (I hate you)!: I love the relationship with April and that he needs to get into chats to interact with others and satisfy their libido.
Speaking of April: I have to say you're one of the few people who build such incredible personality for her. It is usually a bland character who only goes after Casey and helps occasionally turtles (the Mirage April is the best April, of course); but your April is a full-fledged adult, but with doubts: the love that is not sure she feels for Casey; That she hates living in monotony; and her passed at the University; even the relationship she has in the fic with turtles.
I love that she is having doubts especially her love for Casey and even more now that they have Shadow. But anyway, April can not be with a man like Casey. Nanay.
I forget: the part that April feels sick of thinking in Splinter having sex, made my day. I cannot stop laughing.
And yep: i love that the chapter focused especially in Leonardo and how you describes him with his role of leader (the disagreements with Splinter, the started and the final of the fic when he decided the best for his brothers) and his relationship with Karai after all the events. That little bitch, i think it was all a trap of her and it is her fault that they are now in jail.
So, yeah: I really loved this first chapter. I will keep reading this fic and let you reviews of each chapter. You got all my attention with this history.