Nice

So far I have read up to chapter 18. I like the premise of the story so far but you seriously need someone to beta and help you with grammar. There are some parts where it is imposible to understand what you mean.
You also over explain too much, specially around the dialogue. You don’t need to tell me how a character feels over what other character says BEFORE you actually put the dialogue. You also go into philosophical Mumbo jumbo all the time which makes it hard to follow the story. You should focus more on writing actions and dialogue, if you want to explain something do it through the words or actions of the characters instead of plainly writing it out.
Example: If Esdeath is a sadist, you did a nice job on showing me that by making another character literally say it, you also did a nice job by showing it when she enjoyed torturing Mine, but when you plainly say it the narrative, that’s just a waste of words.

Dialogue also feels unreal in many parts, I will use Blue as my example here. He speaks in extremely long paragraphs that could be summarized in one or two sentences max. It feels like the guy doesn’t need to breath and is also reciting from a book instead of talking. Many characters suffer from this. The way you write dialogue feels unreal, keep it short, each piece of dialogue should be no more than one or two sentences because characters do need to take air sometimes. You also put pretty long paragraph of information explaining how the characters feel about what other character says before you actually show us what the character says. That is unnecessary.

Tatsumi and esdeath relationship is also comical at this point rather than suspenseful. The way you keep writing it like tatsumi is still extremely on edge each time she is nearby, it worked well in the beginning but it feels the guy is going to have a heart attack in any minute now on her precense. Suspence is a thing that is good for a moment, if you try to prolong it for too much it just becomes funny which I don’t think is what you are trying to go with.

I like and dislike your Tatsumi as well, I mean I quite like the way he seems to be, but I dislike that he doesn’t seem capable of saying one sentence that doesn’t have the words “justice” or “hope” in it. Is just to much repetition to the point that it becomes annoying. I would say overall this is the biggest issue in your work, you repeat stuff way to much.

I get it. Tatsumi fights for justice and hope, stop saying it.
I get it. Esdeath is the goddess of death, stop saying it.
I get it. Honest is an asshole, stop saying it.

There is a lot of other things that you already explained in the story, yet you keep repeating which just takes me out of the narrative. Telling us something once is enough.

Overall I like the storyline, I think you have nailed down the personalities of most character in a way which makes them enjoyable and interesting, the OCs that were introduced in the Teigu Arc sounds realistic enough, Rose is probably the only one I’m not 100% confortable with yet since she sounds just like Leone 2.0 but I will wait a little more before I judge her since she has had barely any “screen time” so far. As I explained before Tatsumi is really the only character I am really annoyed with and is only because of the constant repetition of stuff, I get why he fights and what motivates him, no need to explain it twice per chapter anymore.

Sorry if I sound harsh with my criticism. As said before, I like you story. I do not hate it whatsoever, but you really need to improve your storytelling skills and grammar. You got a really good plot and so far you have done an excellent job with it, is just the delivery that needs work.

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My favorite story in this whole website. I’m fine if you still continue the whole story on this and make it how you want to make it don’t let others dictate that. Also this is one of the “real” stories here and they don’t follow the Oh everything is gonna turn out fine and we never get our hands dirty. This story is way better than the Manga and Anime. Keep up the great work brother :) 3

fun to catch up really. Great design and plot. Pacing feels slow in spots. I hope you bring the big finale soon cause that word count is so heavy. More is always good if you're planning another million words but maybe book 2 LOL? Your count is like Harry Potter books 1 thru 5. thanks for posting.

Gotta say, I love Mathew as a character, and from what he's said, I get the feeling that he was part of some northern tribe that got wiped out, Doubt it was old Ice Queen that did it though. And will you ever give the Ghost teigu names/abilities. Rose's is clearly about making things decay, but Matt's giant ass sword seems to have a few things going for it.

Yumi met Wave prior to this...

I have a question, is tatsumi strong enough to hold off esdeth when she goes all out?

Awesome chapter.
Can't for next one.

I’d recommend stick to one paragraph per speaker. When two people speak in the same paragraph it gets confuses on who’s talking.

Looking back, I’m come to appreciate the Revolution’s stance on things. While it may render them little better than the Empire they sought to overthrow, the way they try to achieve that goal carries a sense of poetic irony. It’s a development I can get behind.

I heavily enjoy their previous tactic of posting bounties on Tatsumi’s soldiers backfiring in such a colossal fashion.

“Whether past actions were in question did they already influence what they’d for the future…” Seem to missing a word here. “Do” perhaps. I like Lubo’s stance when it comes to deal with Tatsumi, but isn’t he worth at-least twice as much alive? Is it because of not wanting him to slip away again that Lubo decides to take a more permanent approach?

“I can’t should everything anymore…” Appear to be missing a word.

Lots of talking. I know Tamsumi’s been reaching his breaking point for nearly fifty chapters now, but getting into a wordy debate right after dealing with “interviewing” the turncoat and discussing the massive posted bounties leaves me weary for a scene break so as to break it up.

Lubo’s introduction to the battlefield is amazing. I loved the way the strings were described.

Given the alterative to being diced or crushed, why would dancing around his attacks be bad? Even as an insult, it doesn’t hold much water. Dodging being preferable to being killed. Matthew, the hulking crazed blood-knight, likened as being smart? He seems like the guy who’d net the impression “brawn over brains”. “You’re even stupider than you look” works better opposed to “you’re not half as smart as you look” or even “you’re smarter than you look” depending on the situation.

“Gotcha ya”!? Don’t need the “ya”. Either “Gotcha“ or “Got ya”.

“…he ran forward wrapping ever thread tight and tighter…”Add a y to “ever”.

It took Lubo that long to come to the conclusion that he’s using a superweapon? Shouldn’t that have been his first guess when the super-sword cut through his threads like butter?

The fight between Matthew and Lubo was the best I’ve seen yet. It’s short, sweet, and holds my attention throughout. Only issue I have with it is Lubbock shrugging off a number of agonizingly brutal attacks and yet still managing to dodge each hit by mere inches. As if the accumulated battle damage meant nothing to him.

“Cavalry”. Haha. Love the pun.

Continuation? What? There’s a sequel to this? Tatsumi’s grand event and Honest’s exploitation are that grand an event? To wrap up the entire story so as to start anew? Crazy. Let us hope that it lives up to the hype.

Weren’t Nightraid always portrayed as the good guys? Worst thing I recall is them stating that their not heroes and shouldn’t be idolized because they assassinate people. The Empire called them monsters and whatnot, but who cares what a regime ruled over by P.M. Honest has to say?

The worst thing one can say about the Revolution in-canon is that they’re very much susceptible to corruption. Akuma/Mikisa’s sister gets pardoned despite a life time of atrocities willing committed, while they rend Makato’s head from his shoulders despite never knowingly perpetrating any wrongs. Even then, the narrative implies there’s not a thing wrong with sparing Wave’s psycho girlfriend, while damning the Emperor. Despite its premise, the series’ falls into the pitfalls of its typical shounen.

The reveal that Tatsumi is reaching his breaking point was supposed to be sudden? How? It’s been building up for the longest time and the constant erosion’s finally worn him down. Even humble rain drops can wear down mountains.

this is a nice chapter, keep it up

I came...I cried...then I came

Glorious, simply Glorious. I was actually a little worried that Amalric might die to Lubbock, but you proved me wrong. Though with Ran busting him, he might not be out of hot water just yet. It will be interesting to see how Tatsumi proceeds from.

update

Hell yeah Yumi back on screen again,she need more screetime man,i like her.

Nice Chapter build anyway,and as for since 14 YO in here,wow that explain why you so devoted in your stories.