|Reviews for Diary of Wishes|
| ThatLoneAvenger chapter 3 . 11/14/2015
... whoa, wait a minute, this actually got an update?! 0.0 Shoot, I'd all but lost hope... but then again, I'm not one to talk. My update status at the moment is slow going too... y'know what, forget I ever said that. I'll just thank Yuna Yami Mouto for helping get this next chapter out.
Now let's get to reviewing... the first thing that catches my attention here isn't so much the story, but the writing style. Holy sh*t, you tidied up nice compared to how it was written before. Beta services, or you really just got better. Either way, this is great to see. Whatever it is you did, I say keep with it.
Alright, back to story-wise. Honestly, I had to go back and re-read the last portion of the duel so I could get up to speed with what was going down here. The not-so-beneficial quirks to late updates. *sigh* Nothing to do about it though. As for the duel itself... alright, yeah, we had a good throwback to classic cards, but... really? Just summing up how the duel ended with no actual action or dialogue? I'm sorry, but to me that just feels like a cop-out. I hope to not see something like that in this story again.
And this sh*t still continues throughout the REST OF THE CHAPTER, with few exceptions of SOME dialogue between characters. But REALLY? You DO know the best way to get us into a story and its characters is with what they SAY, right? Yeesh...
Okay. Enough with that. So now they're preparing for... a trip back to their world? Like Lord of the Rings-kinda traveling? I'm sorry, I thought this was a test to see if they were good to join them in their "Dueling Troops," not go off on their own to get back home. Have you even paid any attention to your own continuity, or is there something I'm missing? 'Cause if there is, by all means, call me out on it.
And we end with finding this new stranger... and not a very stylistic cliffhanger. Really. This was just blunt, and quite frankly I feel like this should be longer now.
In summation, I really can't say I enjoyed this too much. The lack of real character interaction was poison to this chapter, and I hope it's not a trait you continue to use in chapters ahead. And the story's whole continuity needs to be called into question now too, so I advise you look back and figure out how to tie up all your loose ends. Perhaps your buddy who helped you with this chapter can help out with that too.
And again, you know this, but I always feel the need to repeat it: try not to take what I say too personally, because it ain't personal at all with you. It's personal with myself and my specific tastes in writing. And anything I say is meant only to try and help critique, not bash.
Alright. I've said enough. I'll be waiting for the next chapter, and I hope to see do better stylistically than this one. But until then, stay awesome.
| ThatLoneAvenger chapter 2 . 7/7/2015
Cliffhangers! *DUN DUN DUN!*
So wait, the guys cross into the Gates of Dark World... only to have to travel through ANOTHER gate-like portal into another part of Dark World... that kinda just makes having a physical Gate in general pointless... 0.0
The fact that D.D. Warrior Lady just HAPPENS to open her portal in Yuko's and Mindy's chamber... erm, I've got mixed feelings about that. Does she check there regularly? Just why THAT spot in general, above all others that I'm sure there are in the Dark World? Just seems unlikely that, while she was traveling through dimensions, she just happened to stop and check that specific area out. At least her snatching the kids up was justified - can't have that Reign-Beaux heading to the outerworld, can we? Good call, Warrior Lady.
The rest of the story from that point is pretty cool. The duel is, once again, an awesome throwback to some of the most classic cards.
Only thing I'll say about the writing: punctuation, my friend. Or lack thereof, rather. Nearly every sentence that isn't a question or an exclamation in this story just ends with nothing before the ". If there's more to the paragraph after the dialogue, that's usually where a comma comes in. If that's dialogue at the very end of the paragraph, a period ought to come out in it's place.
Examples, as such: ("I doubt it,") D.D. Warrior Lady stepped in - that's a place for a comma to come in.
"... a Spell Card that changes the target of Spirit Burner to Junk Defender." - a period ought to have gone here.
(Both of those were excerpts from your story, yes.)
I hope this advice helps you for future reference. Otherwise, I'm actually intrigued by this story. Getting to join an army of Duel Monsters to fight the Dark World creatures? Pretty exciting. (Though didn't we see this in season 3 of GX...) I think this has earned a spot in my list of stories to follow.
Until your next update, man. Hope to see more of this soon. Until then, happy writing!
| ThatLoneAvenger chapter 1 . 7/7/2015
As promised: one look-over at your own original story!
Speaking of, that's what I'll address first - the story. Now this concept - a world where Duel Monsters is no longer a trend - ... is actually pretty f*cking genius. 0.0 That's about as original as I've seen among other original YGO stories EVER, honestly. xD Kudos to you on that.
We've got a magical Roman book - er, Diary. Right. And Mindy got this thing from... where? I mean, I get she must've found it in her house, but what's it doing in her house in the first place? Is her father an excavator and took it home as a souvenir from one of his trips? And for that matter, wouldn't something like that actually be more suited for a display in a museum? Also, who told her how the book worked too? And if it's from Rome, wouldn't it need to be written in Latin, the language the Romans actually spoke that they would've used to make this magic work? Oy, I could go on... but I won't. Time is precious and all that; y'know how it is. I just watch a lot of CinemaSins on YouTube so that's what gets into my head for this stuff.
Okay, so let's say all of that is justified... now they get transported to the Gates of Dark World. Wow. They got tough luck getting transported there, huh? o_o Il Blud creeps up with all of his creepiness and challenges Yuko to a duel. And whattaya know, he summoned himself! XD Actually, I'll be honest: in my opinion, this duel was refreshing to read, in a way. All these old classic cards coming back... man, the nostalgia is rich up in here.
Il Blud loses, he goes poof... the kids are like, "Hey, we almost just got murdered by a freak of nature Duel Monster... let's keep going!" Typical heroism there. Oh well. Kids will be kids.
Now the writing style. Honestly, this is a Grammar Nazi's paradise to go wild pointing every little damned thing out.
... but I ain't one of them. XD So I'll go with critiquing other things: really, I feel like Yuko and Mindy are kinda like just the same person - the dialogue is simplistic to the point it feels like I'm listening to the same person talking on and on. Or maybe that's intentional; they could very well just be THAT similar to each other to the point where that's just how it is. I mean, they both share the love of dueling that's lacking, they both apparently have a hunger for adventure, they both are very optimistic... you get the point.
There was a random thing that said 14h ago just before a life point count. Probably from a copy/paste job that never got finished being cleaned up. Might wanna fix that.
In general, the writing is simplistic and not even close to being horrendous enough to hate it. There were some instances in dialogue where the grammar could definitely have been better (right around the very beginning), which would be my only complaint about that. Otherwise, it's simple; it's concise; it's just fine.
As a whole, this has actually intrigued me... I'd definitely like to see more. Which is why I'm gonna go on to the next chapter right now. Otherwise, I hope this review proved to be helpful to you one way or another. Understand, I don't review to try and put down a writer in any way, shape, or form - my only intention is to help my fellow authors become better and evolve.
Okay, enough of this chit-chat. Chapter 2, here I come...
| theabridgedkuriboh chapter 2 . 5/9/2015
I wonder if he'll win
| yuno123 chapter 2 . 5/6/2015
This story is awesome !
| Martyn chapter 2 . 5/6/2015
How about in Chapter 4, Yuko goes up against Harpy Queen. Before they duel, Yuko keeps face-planting into the Harpies busts (boobs), earning an EPIC dope smack from Mindy.
| Goshikku Hime wa Yami-san chapter 1 . 4/19/2015
hmmmmm, i would love to help, but this is seems really technical and battle centric, im not sure if i can do that...i could always just give ideas however!