|Reviews for Albus Dumbledore vs Harry Potter (the battle for the world)|
| harrysgurl22 chapter 11 . 12/20/2015
My condolences on the loss of your family members.
| hawkswench chapter 1 . 11/21/2015
| Danneyland chapter 5 . 8/9/2015
Okay, so never mind my writing of Dudley being dead. Seems you needed him alive.
Dumbledore began his investigation by summoning his good friend Remus Lupin.
"Ahh, Lupin, my boy, do you realize why I summoned you here other than your good looks?" Dumbledore questioned approaching Lupin menacingly.
"No Albus, I don't," replied an uncomfortable Lupin.
"Well Remus last night I was taking Harry to the Dursley's when all of a sudden I had a great urge to use the bathroom, so I set him on the Dursleys porch temporarily and used Mrs Figg's bathroom." Dumbledore began then took a break to light a cigarette, before beginning again. "That's when I saw, she was dead!" Dumbledore said as he pretended to cry. "I ran out of her house and went to go get Harry but he was gone, and I looked on the porch and Petunia was dead along with Vernon, and a terrified but unharmed Dudley was sitting there," Dumbledore said motioning to the large baby boy behind him. "I asked him what happened, and he said a weird cloaked man killed his parents and he saw a matted grizzly man walk off with a baby. Isn't that right, Dudley?"
"Yes, that's what happened." Dudley replied robotically without blinking his eyes.
"Uh, Albus, why isn't he blinking?" Lupin asked in a concerned tone.
"Good heavens Remus he just lost his mom and dad I think he's a little bit in shock." Dumbledore said aggressively.
"Wait a minute!" Lupin began. "I don't why I didn't notice this before, but this Dudley I'm looking at is only, what, a year old? He can't tell you what you told me!" Lupin exclaimed to flabbergasted Dumbledore.
"Uhhh, you see magic can do stuff, a lot of things you see, including, uhhh, making, uh, babies speak." Dumbledore stuttered nervously as Lupin's frown increased. "What, you don't believe the greatest wizard of all time?" Dumbledore replied defiantly, crossing his arms. "The whole point of this is, did you, Remus Lupin, steal Harry Potter?" Dumbledore said sternly.
"No! Do you think I'd show up if I did?" Lupin replied.
"Good enough for me. You may go," Dumbledore wheezed. "Wait - hold it!" Dumbledore said abruptly. "Obliviate!" Dumbledore belched as he wiped the memory of tonight's events from Lupins mind.
6 months later:
"Albus, why am I getting paid so little?" An irate Minerva McGonagall screeched.
"Times are tough, Minerva." Dumbledore wheezed as he motioned her to go away.
"Really, Albus! Why is the rest of the staff getting paid double or more than me, even Filch is getting paid more."
"Minerva, your job requires no skill and anyone could do that job." Dumbledore replied with a hearty chuckle. "Anyway, Minerva, why are you complaining? If isn't wasn't for me you would have no job, you wouldn't even have a job at St. Mungo's, cleaning people's asses." Dumbledore said pleasantly with a good-natured smile.
"That's not true, Dumbledore, and I quit!" Minerva said, slamming the door on her way out.
"Go ahead, you bitch, you'll be nothing without me, mark my words!" Dumbledore screamed, putting a wad of tobacco in his mouth, and watching his favorite football team, Manchester United, beat up on Aston Villa.
Minerva would later go on to be the Headmistress of Beauxbatons Academy in the lovely country of France.
| Danneyland chapter 4 . 8/9/2015
Harry was laying on the cold ground covered in bruises from Dumbledore, and was crying miserably. His diaper hadn't been changed for weeks and he hadn't been fed in a long time. To make matters worse, a hideous person came out of nowhere and picked up Harry. The man was covered in hair and had large teeth, largely resembling a werewolf. With that, the grizzly man vanished with a screaming and unhappy Harry.
Dumbledore was becoming worried as he had tossed Harry aside, and left him on the ground. Dumbledore may be a sick man, but he realized tossing a baby that he would need to sacrifice to Voldemort later on was a big mistake on his part. "Well, I better, uhh ... go to Little Whinging to pick that little devil up!" Dumbledore thought to himself as he peeled Vernon's head with a potato peeler.
With a "Crack!", Dumbledore apparated to Little Whinging after pranking several muggles by ringing their doorbells and running came to the Dursley's house where Harry was. The problem was ... "Where's Harry?" Dumbledore cried. Dumbledore then remembered Mrs Figg lived next door, and therefore she might know where he went.
"Yes Albus, I saw what happened! You threw that baby aside after killing Petunia and her baby, and then disappeared with Vernon," Mrs. Figg began as Dumbledore rolled his eyes.
"No, did you see what happened to Harry?" Dumbledore whined.
"Yes, Albus, a man took him - he was a disgusting looking man with matted hair and big teeth," Mrs. Figg said stuttering.
"Ah-hah! It was a werewolf!" Dumbledore proclaimed. "Thank you Figg, how can I repay you?" Dumbledore exclaimed happily.
"Don't Albus, it's just my good deed of the day, I suppose!" Figg replied merrily.
"Oh, Mrs. Figg, is there by any chance you know the name of this person was"? Dumbledore added.
"No Albus, I don't know who it was." Figg replied sadly.
"Damn you, Figg! Avada Kedavra!" Dumbledore belched as Mrs. Figg collapsed in a heap.
Dumbledore issued a manhunt for Harry and had 2 suspects: his good friend and member of the Order Remus Lupin, and Death Eater Fenir Greyback!
| Danneyland chapter 3 . 8/9/2015
Um, since Dudley is the same age as Harry, you seem to be forgetting that Dudley is also a baby at this period in time, unless you've changed that. But still, he should only be four or younger; siblings' children are never born that many years apart. Which means that he shouldn't have been holding a kitchen knife, and he sure as hell should not know anything about sex, let alone gay sex.
When morning rose the next day, Dumbledore set off to pick Harry up at Godric's Hollow. Dumbledore was going to take Harry to his Aunt and Uncle's house at Privet Drive in Surrey. Dumbledore, however, did not know much about these people. Dumbledore assigned his Transfiguration professor from Hogwarts, Minerva McGonagall, to look over and assess their household, and see what it was like (which was all a scheme to make Dumbledore look good). Minerva said that their names are Vernon and Petunia Dursley, and they were really stuck-up people and that the family already had a child named Dudley. Dumbledore got mad at Minerva for her response to his asking how big the uncle's package was; she called him a sick man that needed to get his priorities straight. Dumbledore thought hard about firing her, but came to the conclusion that she'd run her alligator mouth. So, instead, Dumbledore decided to cut her pay in half.
Dumbledore entered the late Potter's home.
"Serves you right you two timing bastard!" Dumbledore snarled after walking by a picture of James Potter.
Before picking up Harry, Dumbledore went on a looting spree of the house putting all he could fit into a bag he'd brought.
"You got what you deserved, stealing my James away from me, you back-stabbing bitch!" Dumbledore croaked as he smashed a Hogwarts portrait of Lily Potter.
After stripping the house clean of jewels, money and other valuables, Dumbledore went upstairs to gather Harry. "Ahh! Harry, my boy!" Dumbledore exclaimed as he picked up Harry and gave him a large kiss on the mouth and nibbled his tender baby buttcheeks. Then all of a sudden Harry started crying out of control. "Oh, shut up!" Dumbledore wheezed as he threw Harry into a separate sack.
Minerva was waiting patiently for Dumbledore at Privet Drive. She was disguised as a cat to avoid suspicion. Moments later Dumbledore appeared there in a crack. Dumbledore was walking arrogantly towards the Dursley house, when all of a sudden he heard a cat meow and it wouldn't be quiet.
"Oh I fucking hate cats!" Dumbledore hissed, sending a killing curse flying at the cat, missing it by mere centimeters.
"Albus, how could you!" Minerva howled.
"Oh, it's you, you little scumbag!" Dumbledore sneered.
"Where's Harry?" McGonagall asked in an agitated tone.
"Oh, I've got him right here!" Dumbledore replied merrily as he unzipped the sack and dumped Harry on the ground.
Minerva was about to exclaim until she saw Dumbledore's other bag. "Albus, why do you have the Potter family's portraits and possessions?"
"I'm giving them to Harry!" Dumbledore replied defiantly. "Run along Minerva you've done your part, now scram!" Dumbledore spat.
Moments later, Dumbledore was on the Dursley's porch and was pressing his finger to the doorbell. A half-minute after, a large man with a large greying mustache answered the door.
"Who are you and what do you want?" the man asked briskly.
"I'm Albus and I'm your Daddy!" Dumbledore exclaimed as he threw Harry aside and began pelting the man with kisses.
Vernon was able to punch the scrawny man off of him and Petunia came moments later holding both a kitchen knife and her baby, Dudley.
Dumbledore got up and drew his wand. "Vernon, baby, is that how you treat strangers?" Dumbledore purred.
"How do you know my name, you freak?" Vernon roared.
"Never mind that, I'll explain while we make love in our office," Dumbledore replied pleasantly. All of a sudden Dumbledore cast killing curses on Petunia and Dudley as Vernon looked on, horrified. "Imperio!" Dumbledore said, casting the curse on Vernon. "Now let's go to my office," Dumbledore said, extending his arm. "Screw you Harry!" Dumbledore spat before disapparating to his office at Hogwarts, leaving Harry crying and bruised on the ground.
Dumbledore entered his office and went right to business.
"Reginald you have outlived your usefulness!" Dumbledore wheezed as he rugby-tackled Cattermole and began devouring him.
Cattermole died from shock as Dumbledore brutally ripped off his manhood with his teeth. After he was finished, it was time to make love.
"Come Vernon, make love to me!" Dumbledore cackled as he was pumped off into the night.
| Danneyland chapter 2 . 8/9/2015
Dumbledore was now at his office at Hogwarts, celebrating the death of Lily and James with his new boyfriend Reginald Cattermole, when he suddenly remembered that the Potters had a little baby boy named Harry Potter. This wouldn't be a big deal, if it weren't for the fact that Hagrid hadn't recently been friendly with him due to the fact that Dumbledore used to feel him up. Complete rubbish, Dumbledore thought. Anyway, Dumbledore would get that little shithead, Harry, tomorrow. Right now he was busy lighting up a joint, and making love to Reginald while he was listening to his favorite song "Firefly".
"Drugs, Sex, and Rock and Roll, not a bad way to end the day!" Dumbledore belched into the night. "Ohh! I love it when you suck my cock, Reginald!"
| Danneyland chapter 1 . 8/9/2015
Haha wow that got serious fast!
For someone who claims to be pedantic, you really might want to work on fixing up this chapter.
Here is my edited version of this chapter:
After shouts of "Avada Kedavra!" Lily and James Potter were dead, and the Dark Lord was vanquished. The whole wizarding world was in mourning for the lives of James and Lily, despite the Dark Lord's defeat. Amidst all the drama, there were still two men who found reason to celebrate.
Our story begins with two well-known members of the wizarding world holding hands and galloping across the rural English countryside at nightfall. One of these two men was none other than Barty Crouch Sr, the Minister of Magic at the time. The other was Albus "Bad boy" Dumbledore, as he liked to call himself. Albus had obtained an Order of Merlin, first class by defeating his former boyfriend Grindelwald. He was also Headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
As these two new companions were galloping, Albus was singing "JOY TO THE WORLD, THE POTTERS ARE DEAD, NOW I GET THEIR FORTUNE!"
Dumbledore bellowed out his tune, and collapsed on top of Crouch Sr. Dumbledore and Crouch's tongues invaded each other's mouths. Dumbledore's kissing increasingly became more aggressive, until he was biting Barty's tongue drawing blood. Surprised by how good the blood tasted, Dumbledore passionately ripped Barty's tongue out and then proceeded by bringing his attention towards his companion's face. Soon Dumbledore had eaten Crouch's face while a helpless Crouch could only lay there, thrashing in agony.
Moments later, Dumbledore plunged his head into Crouch's stomach in order to rip all of the good stuff out. Barty Crouch was no more. Dumbledore had become A CANNIBAL!
The next day some Ministry officials found a pile of fresh human bones, and next to it was Barty Crouch Sr's favorite cloak. Barty Crouch was declared dead soon after.
With Crouch dead, Cornelius Fudge took over his rival's place as the new Minister of Magic.
| Woman of looks and substance chapter 4 . 8/8/2015
| inglorus bastard chapter 1 . 1/27/2015
Its me crazypendantuc I tried bashing your story but alas I could not it is too good I surrender
| madame derossa chapter 1 . 1/21/2015
There is always room for desert
| concerned reader chapter 1 . 1/20/2015
Someone stole your name and wrote a story his name is crazy pendanic
| Save the last one chapter 1 . 1/21/2015
| Woman of looks and substance chapter 1 . 1/20/2015
Come by my law firm and I'll get you that new sports car you always wanted! No I didn't!
| Qoheleth chapter 1 . 1/20/2015
You may want to try uploading this again. Something seems to have gone awry.