|Reviews for Big Wolf On Campus|
| Ominae chapter 1 . 9/25/2017
Not that much of a HP reader/fan, but that won't stop me from at least give a critical review as much as possible, so here goes.
The opening paragraph that started the story is good. Shows off the typical environment in a high school as I fondly remember. A few lines from Lily was done well to show her state of mind in trying to get through her typical day, working in and out to do her duties as a student and extra work within the school administration.
Reading up on the rest of Lily's interaction with James, I wish there would be some details on what happened to them before. I think even a slight hint or some implied event in a conversation would suffice to give the reader some ideas to brainstorm about the two.
James risking his own skin to help out Lily was really a kind gesture to him even if Lily insisted that she'd be fine by herself.
I'd suspected that some potential SPAG issues would be present, but judging from what I've seen, they've seem to be long gone or if there were still some there, I probably don't know where they are.
All in all, aside from the stuff that I critiqued, this one's a good story even if it's short.
| whitetiger91 chapter 1 . 5/24/2016
Amazing story, Red, amazing. Unfortunately, any criticisms/ critique I have would simply be nit-picking, and there's no point in pointing them out for this is a truly wonderful story. Perhaps the way that Mulciber physically blocked her entry was a little too much, in that I thought she could've easily got him to leave without James, but then again, I've never experienced a situation like it. That being said, I was too into the story to find any SPaG, which there probably isn't any to begin with anyway; if there is, I'm sure someone else would probably point it out to you.
The flow was spot on, where you included just the right amount of detail, without stepping too far and making it unnecessarily long for a one-shot. Each scene lent itself to the other, allowing the reader to know exactly what was going on in each scene.
I adore the way you have used a Muggle!AU to tell the tale of how Lily finally gave in to James. The fact that he wouldn't tell her Lupin's secret, even if it meant giving up a goal of many years, was very telling of the way he seems to have grown up/ isn't just a bullying jock. I don't read many Jily's, and those that I have (from memory) I haven't really been able to connect with as well as I have with this version.
The characterisation of the other characters was really well done too. I like how Lily was shown to be a little manipulative and not just the goody-two shoes that she is often portrayed as in many fics. For example, I particularly liked the way she tried to trick him into telling her what was wrong with Remus, using his weakness against him. It showed me that perhaps they aren't too different from each other after all. I enjoyed Marlene's character, too, and how Alice was introduced—or rather, the costumes they wore which depicted their personalities (eg slutty cat, curious Alice, nice and innocent Lily). I was wondering what Mulciber would try to do as well, and for some reason, I can clearly see him as one of those stereotypical bullies who would end up in goal at some point in their life/ drop out of school.
I found it clever that you replaced 'Mudblood' as an insult with ginger (am I evil for laughing at the 'gingers have no soul comments? JK, I love them), and better still, how Remus has AIDS. I was wondering what it would be, considering werewolf was out (and why James didn't get whacked over the head by Remus for his costume choice, by which I loved the description of it), and assumed cancer. I can understand the stigma that comes with having AIDS, and can see how it could be compared to werewolfism, in which not many people openly say they have it. I like that you have not shied away from the topic, either.
All in all, an excellent fic, and keep up the good work :)
| GeekyLola chapter 1 . 5/22/2016
This will be the first Muggle AU I've read. I'm very excited to see how this goes.
The reworking of moments is done pretty well. I'm not sure the insult from Severus holds the same weight, but it helps that it was said in front of the whole school, also it's hard to get an insult of that same effect in the muggle world without going full on racist and that just wouldn't be possible as they come from the same place.
It's interesting that Lily still doesn't like James at this point. In the books we learn that it's after he sticks up for her when Snape does that thing, that they become friends, but I guess in this version that moment doesn't happen, though that's hard to believe considering he seems intent on always being there to stick up for her. One has to wonder why Lily still hates him so much.
I also feel really bad for her here, suddenly without magic, it seems like things are so much worse for her.
I appreciate the line you gave James that mirrors what Harry says in CoS to Lucius Malfoy, that was a nice little nod.
There are just little nods throughout this story aren't there. I love when writers do that, it always makes me smile.
I really want to know who the blonde is. I also think it's cute James tried to match Lily. I mean, yeah, maybe sneaking around to find out what her costume was is not a great idea, but it's still a cute attempt. I was wondering why is was overreacting too, but now it seems to be more of a case of, "me thinks the lady doth protest too much". Was that intentional?
Aw, James to the rescue! But seriously, how have those other boys not been arrested? Who just walks around with a pocketknife threatening redheads?
That's really cute. I wonder what sickness Remus has in this. Not going to lie, this whole thing made me very interested to read a Muggle AU about all of the marauders. This was cute and funny and a really nice way for Lily to realize she had misjudged, at least partially, who James was.
I didn't find any SpaG errors. All of your characters were wonderfully in character, and you blended them quite seamlessly into the Muggle world. Well done.
| Nightmare Prince chapter 1 . 5/10/2016
Is this a Muggle!AU? I like Muggle!AUs when they’re done well, and I’m coming into this story with a high expectation because it’s you, and you write really well. So, without further ado, let’s just hop right in, shall we?
I love the introductory paragraph. Right off the bat, you reel off Lily’s laundry list, tying it in nicely to canon with her role as a prefect and the bit about James wanting to date her on a daily basis despite her constant rejections. Then, you go one step further and bring in the entire Snape debacle, only replacing the wizarding slur with a more appropriate one given this AU. That’s something I appreciate right there – this is an AU, but there’s enough links to canon that it creates justifiable plot, and it’s all very reasonable. Remind me to rant at you later about all the AUs I’ve had to read recently, Red.
James to the rescue. That’s a nice little scene. We see his protectiveness of her first-hand, and we see her being a stickler for the rules by threatening with detention as opposed to just stunning them and moving on. Her irritation at James gives us a nice underlying assumption that she does have feelings for him, and is masking them with her “hate.” Also, I love Marlene, and I see what you did there with the cat costume. Especially since Sirius is a dog in canon and that can only mean Blackkinon is a go.
Geez, Red, more fairy-tales? Lily makes a lovely Red-Riding Hood, with her red hair and all that, and I’ve read a number of stories that make that connection with her – usually in terms of Rily – and I can only assume this means James is a wolf. Pssst, if he’s a huntsman, we may have issues because of that despicable movie. Alice being Alice in Wonderland was a nice bit of humour, by the way.
BLACKKINON RULES. That is all.
Is this your OC who always is paired with Remus? I like it. Poor Remus seems so awkward and shy, but you underscore that nicely with the doctor’s appointment – I take it that, unfortunately for him, the representation of HIV in canon as Lycanthropy is a bit more literal in this sense, and that’s why he’s hesitant to talk about it? It’s sad, but I really like the way in which you subtly address this without turning it into an after-school special.
Yes! Yes! James is the big bad wolf. I knew it. *Shoves the Huntsman into a pool of acid* Yes, where were we. Nothing to see here, just a dissolving character from a terrible movie starring the most monotone actress in history. The scene that plays out afterwards, with her just exploding at him after all the pent up frustration is pure awesomeness, and yes, I ship Jily with all my shipper heart. *Breathes deeply, because I must ration my excitement or I’ll use it all up and be unamused for the rest of the week*
I love how James just showed up and kicked ass. Yes, go wolf on them. When the gang showed up, I was expecting the Marauder crew to show up (You know Remus could wolf/hulk out and send a person flying with a good punch, don’t deny it) but you just gave us James and the imagery as it took place in my overactive imagination was awesome. Make this into a movie at once.
YES! Jily goes on a date, and what I love about this is that it wasn’t his playfulness or such that drove her to agree, but a much more honourable trait – his loyalty to his friends. To me, it makes a lot of sense, a lot, and the fact that James rejected her ultimatum in order to stay true to his friends and not betray them is a testament to his character and his relationship with the other Marauders. Bros before Hoes, mates. *Waggles finger*
Overall, I really liked this one-shot and found it to be a really exceptional read.
| OnyxFeather chapter 1 . 10/30/2015
Welcome to Hogwart's High School!
You opened this really well. Just with that first line I get a sense of where Lily is at in terms of her current state and it draws me in effectively. You capture Lily's fiery independence well.
How I love a bit of James/Sirius double-teaming. "There will be line..." and then "You heard the man." LOL!
Ha! He turns up as the big bad wolf because he wanted them to match! So lame but sweet at the same time.
Aww...she said yes. Yay!
This was such a fun read! Honestly, I really enjoyed it. So reminiscent of all those teenage rom-coms/ chick flicks I admit I have watched. It's a guilty pleasure; I can't help it. There's just something about them, which is why this was great to read. You captured that feel so effortlessly and all the different character groups.
And there's something about the misunderstood popular guy that gets my squealing, girly heart. Great job!
| lokilette chapter 1 . 10/28/2015
The summary caught my eye, so I just had to read this. I had to laugh at your author's note. Though, I think the comparison of AIDS in the Muggle world to Lycanthropy in the Wizarding world is perhaps an apt comparison. xD
Oh, I like that you kept the Severus Mudblood incident, and the way you transformed it in the Muggle universe fits quite nicely.
Of course James would be the big stud on campus. Why does that not surprise me? I love his retort, though. I, for one, would like to see him beat Avery's soul out of him.
I think Lily comes off a bit...as a witch. Was that your intention? I mean, you set up James as a pest in the first line (always asking her out), but in this AU, all that we see of him is that he comes to stick up for her and Lily flies off the handle at him, which was a bit confusing. There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to her anger. Maybe, since we're in her head, thoughts as to why he's so frustrating? Her hurt pride, perhaps? Not wanting to have to rely on him?
Her discussion with Marlene is adorable, but, again, she's coming across more as a bully to me, personally, than I think is intended.
The Prewetts? *perks ears up* Oh, I do so love mentions of them. Had to laugh at the sexy cat costume.
Oh, I love the Sirius is dressed as a prisoner. It's such an apt costume for him, no?
I really like how you carry over Remus' personality in this. I think it fits wonderfully, and the way you've shifted it into the Muggle universe works really well.
[Care to go to grandmother's house with me.] - This is either the best pick-up line ever or the worst. I can't decide which. xD
Aww James as the big, bad wolf! That's just too adorable, as his desire for them to match. Also, a bit creepy in a stalkerish way.
Here, again, the scene reads, to me, more like Lily is being stuck up and conceited. Yes, James dressing like her is creepy, but the way she acts doesn't seem to match what we know he's done in this story. Especially since she's always threatening him and wishing ill on him when, in this, you've really not portrayed him as being all that bad. I think we're supposed to believe he is, but he doesn't come across that way here to me.
Oh, whoa now. Avery just took a step across the line. Stuff just got real serious real quick. I love how even though it's Muggle!AU, you do a great job of impressing just how creepy and threatening they are. They're not just your normal every day bullies, which is nice since the Death Eaters aren't your normal everyday creeps, either.
Wow...I thought Lily was supposed to be smart. A straw basket? What were you going to do, hay fever him to death? :P Silly girl.
Hehe, I can't help but giggle at James in the supermarket. You've done such a wonderful job of capturing his character that I can't help but want to laugh at him and punch him simultaneously. You write him so well, though! And in this section, I like Lily a lot better. She comes off much more relatable, and I enjoy their banter.
Ah, I love the way this ends. Lily doesn't think it's anything huge, but it really shows a different side of James that he turns down his shot at a date with her to protect his friend's secret. It's wonderful characterization and it makes me like him more (and I'm not a huge fan of James).
[shoved passed him] - past him
[Hello," he jumped] - jumping isn't a dialogue tag, so I'd recommend [Hello." He jumped.] Same with the "she shrugged" in the next line. Since it's not a dialogue tag, it requires a period instead of a comma.
| SmileSimplify chapter 1 . 8/25/2015
Nicely done. The characters were spot on even in this muggle setting. Well, most of the characters. IMO, Sev would never stand by idly if anyone attempted to harm Lily.
| lleuadarian chapter 1 . 8/17/2015
surprisingly, I enjoyed this story - I don't tend to like muggle AU, but this is an exception! Well-written, too.
| GallonsoftheStuff chapter 1 . 7/8/2015
*cries over the fact that Remus has AIDS* Why couldn't it be leukemia? People can recover from leukemia! (Which may be the point, because he can't recover from being a werewolf either... *grumbles*)
Heh. Prisoner Sirius Black. I like it! (And Lisa's cameo, because ghost girl is totally her, right?)
Damn, James, you stalker! Who did he go to for the information? Who is the traitor? XD
I love it. Characterization, flow, and if there were any SPaG issues, I've forgotten them already.
| alyssialui chapter 1 . 6/6/2015
Awww this was a lovely story. I like how you've adapted this to a Muggle scenario with Mulciber and Avery prejudice against gingers, Remus' condition (though he doesn't make that much of an appearance), and Avery's use of a pocketknife.
The beginning was a nice way to set the story and the dynamics, with James and Sirius coming to Lily's aid (though she didn't want it) and her little conversation with Mary and Marlene.
James was a bit stalkerish with his costume choice. But he was really brave to beat the other boys, especially since they had the knife.
The ending was playful and cute and he definitely won over Lily. Good job.
[...'before I've given you detention] should be [...before I give...]
| Trish Tavor chapter 1 . 4/21/2015
Okay, so, I read this in anticipation of you reading mine. And here is my criticism...
-I wasn't certain exactly what was going on at the beginning, which confused me (now I see that you wrote "Muggle AU Halloween" in your description, so I suppose it's my fault) but I would have made it a little more clear exactly what you were doing with the setting.
-Do they even have prefects in "Muggle" schools who can give detention? Maybe it's just where I am, but I've never heard of that...? If they do, my bad, if not it took away from the "Muggleness" (not a word) and confused me about exactly what kind of school this is.
-Also, Lily seemed kind of like a jerk. I mean, we know from general Harry Potter than James was arrogant and what not, but all we see here is him being quite kind and her continually shoving him off.
I mean, even if she doesn't like him, we don't get any hint of why or something he's done in the past...Idk, it just made Lily seem a little out of character that she was SO against James, even when he continually helped her. (Again, could just be me).
-James knew what Lily was dressing up as? How? When? If she hates him, and her friends know she hates him...how did he find that out? And Lupin has a doctor's appointment, which you explain in the A/N, but it didn't make much sense in the story, nor did Lily's friendship with Lupin. Again, I guess in a short fic there isn't much time to expand, but how is she friends with him? If she hates James "oh so much" and wants to avoid him, why would she spend time with Lupin? Didn't make sense in the context of your story.
-"Then I'll ask you out every day for a hundred years." - How is this a joke? I don't get it. I don't see why it's funny.
-Again, Lily goes out with James at the end, but it seemed rushed...I mean she absolutely despised him to the point where it seems like she was ready to kill him or something :P I would think she would watch him for a while or make sure that he had changed before going on a date. Happened to fast, in my opinion.
-Anyways, just my initial thoughts. I definitely did enjoy the story overall and thought it was well written, but I knew you'd kill me if I just wrote that XD These were my honest thoughts as I was reading it, so hopefully they are perhaps somewhat slightly helpful...
| Guest chapter 1 . 3/24/2015
sorry. Fangirling here
| Hplover4ever3 chapter 1 . 3/10/2015
I really enjoyed this!
Even though its not something I'm used to and has a very modern, Muggle edge to it, I still enjoyed it. You captured the characters perfectly and I love how you've written the beginning of James and Lily.
| Guest chapter 1 . 3/1/2015
Bloody fantastic! No criticisms here - you're an excellent writer. I want more from this story arc.