Reviews for Team Anko
Barunka chapter 31 . 8/4/2016
I'm sorry I stuck to the end, but the parts I really enjoyed, well, those were a ride. I suppose feeling cheated is a reaction as good as any. What I previously commented on still stands - I like how you write, I disagree with what you write, and I honestly think that working on your characterization would do wonders to your style. As it seems, you're already an accomplished author who sells well; you've got a story to tell, you've got wit, you have an incredible insight; you just also need to utilize it when (re)creating a character. For a story that revolves a lot about inteligence, foresight, morals, and logic, I did not see much of it being presented by the three protagonists. Yeah, and I shall forever be pissy about forever-the-third, I'm-just-here-to-make-others-look-better, saviour-complex-ridden dudebro Shino who showed the least character growth and consistency. (That's a lot of obnoxious hyphenation. Well.)
In the last half dozen of chapters, I kept distancing myself from the story a bit, basically because I did not believe the protagonists' behaviour to be steady and THEIRS at all times, excepting perhaps Anko (and again, excepting that incident in which she thought it was genuinely smart to disable one of her team members right before the escape, and that she didn't think that Orochimaru would be awaiting them). (And did Shino think HE was being smart? Did you?)
Anyway, I'm glad I decided to read this, not so glad I decided to finish it; I'd be delighted to read any narutocentric fic you might release in the future.
I have a question - was Orochimaru referring to himself as a psychopath deliberate? What I mean is, was it more important to let him say it out loud than it was to portray him as such without stating it explicitly? Because I honestly don't know the answer, you got me there.
Barunka chapter 17 . 8/4/2016
Well.
I've read more than a half of the story now, and I think I've finally put my finger on what exactly is it that bothers me quite a bit (personally, that is). I like your style and I like how you write, but not necessarily what you write. Which is, obviously, something so deeply subjective that reviewing seems a little pointless, I admit. However, once I start, I can't stop. (Brushing up on my English is another factor here, so please be patient with me.)
When I take each scene and evaluate it separately, it's close to perfect. What I especially enjoy are the team's training and brainstorming sessions. During those times, all of the characters, Shino included, are as close to canon-yet-original / original-yet-believable as possible. Towards Anko I have nothing to say, precisely because she is so full-fledged, concise, and entertaining. You did a great job portraying her.
I already commented on your ability to write separate scenes. As a whole, though, there are some inconsistencies in the story (primarily the ones I had pointed out before - Shino's characterization etc.). I shall focus on that one the most, since I simply don't believe I should criticize the plot as there's nothing to criticize. The same goes for subplots; the story is coming up quite nicely, I'm never bored. Shino's infatuation with Hinata, as much as I might dislike it because I find it sudden and forced in order to create some instant drama, still serves its purpose. I see why it was important for him to develop a crush on her, plot-wise. Again, I am a little worried that this route of storytelling is needlessly obvious and allows for your writing skills to rust, BUT it works.
Shino, though. Perhaps it was your intention, perhaps it wasn't, but he changes a lot during the story; more precisely, both his physical and mental disposition (how he moves, how he thinks, how readable is his face and his body language) varies A LOT with each scene. His thoughts, especially, are at times so out of character that I cringe. And, although his actions and reactions may be believable in that short-limited space that a single scene represents, your overall portrayal of him is full of inconsistencies.
Even as a canonically twelve-year-old genin, Shino shows maturity, cold-bloodedness, and stability which is way beyond that of his peers. He plans ahead; doing the same mistake twice (that is, sacrificing his whole hive in one move that could possibly go wrong and leave him empty-handed) is one of the more glaring examples of how Shino would never behave. Here, he is even aged up a bit. At this point in his life, it would make sense for him to actually show even more control over his emotions like anger, surprise etc. He'd be far more solid as a person. Right now, the most solid of them all is Anko, closely followed by Naruto. Naruto is solid in his Naruto-ness; Hinata is, if not yet solid, very steady in her growth; while Shino, a literal walking poker face, is the least soldified character in the story as of yet. That doesn't seem right, given his canon version.
I understand you must've relied not only on your headcanons, but also on anime fillers while describing Shino, am I wrong? Once more, I am afraid you decided "not to decide," opting for "Oh, Shino is emotional and freaks out a lot in this or that filler, and he also has some anger bottled up, apparently" instead of "Wait, but fillers don't have to correspond with what would canonically make sense, seeing that fillers more often than not show exactly what the character *would not normally do* to amuse the audience; and they most definitely don't have to provide actual character development (or footing for it in the future). Fillers just go for the quickest option, so as to ram a lot of additional information into a twenty-minute-long episode. Therefore, overused and safest tropes are utilized."
In Shino's case, that would mean having him react to unpleasant situations in a way that would please the viewer; or, if not please them, at least satisfy their curiosity. These episodes tend to amuse the audience (e.g. "Laughing Shino," or the one ep where he has a panic attack after losing some of his insects). Alternately, they give Shino some interesting issues to work on (the filler ep in which he has to overcome his lack of physical strength and self-confidence). The problem is, these are usually the issues you could associate with any other Konoha rookie, too. Filler plots simply copy what has been already done in the manga/anime, or else rely on shallow plotlines, such as difficulties that could be assigned to Shino as well as Hinata, Shikamaru, Ino... They don't define Shino, not really, if you think about it.
However, I'm getting too carried away. The reason I spend to much time talking about this problem is that I know I can't tell you: hey, what you write/think is wrong. I can merely say: well, this bothers me a bit, and here is why. Which means that giving Shino anger issues and a crush is a completely valid option, just a little too bland for my taste - and, more importantly, for your level of writing. There's definitely room for speculation when it comes to Shino's actual personality, so your headcanons are bulletproof, don't worry about me being nitpicky.
(After all, there are close to seven hundreds reviews that praise you, and it's all a praise you've earned. It's just that critical observations are just as needed.)
Barunka chapter 12 . 8/3/2016
What the hell is wrong with Shino.
Barunka chapter 8 . 8/3/2016
Oh, boy.
I sure hope this will serve as a means of growing as a person for Shino (because right now, he's just "the third one," and he doesn't serve much purpose other than to make the other two shine when he somehow doesn't get something immediately). He's blunt, and yes, I can imagine him being tactless, too. That was a nice touch. Hinata, well, she had to grow a pair either by defending Naruto, or standing up to her family, that was always a given. I would like to see her assertiveness when faced with Hiashi/her abuser, though, rather than a tactless teammate.
Did Anko guilt-trip Shino in some super psychotic way, I wonder, or was he "trembling" upon seeing Naruto so battered?
Barunka chapter 6 . 8/3/2016
Alright. I am not a native spearker, so I rarely ever comment upon the first reading. It's usually only after I finish a story and still deem it good enough to eventually get back to it that I leave a couple of reviews behind. Furthermore, I find it futile to provide criticism, constructive or subjective, when a story has long been completed, anyway.
However, I barely just started reading Team Anko and I'm already growing fond of the story, fond enough to express my thoughts about it. The story's been finished some time ago, therefore I understand that any pointers I might come up with, positive or negative, won't have any impact on this particular piece. Still, there are some things I'd like to talk about.
First of all, I am here because of Shino and Anko. Although I do adore Naruto quite a bit, especially his younger and non-idolized self (let's say his Deus Ex Machina-free self), I would hardly say he's at the top of my list. The same could be said about Hinata. She used to be my favourite, actually. Her character used to be interesting in the pre-Shippuden era, and full of potential. Seeing that this story follows the three runts when they're still genins, I decided to give it a go.
So far, I must say that I'm loving your Naruto. True, in your (intentional) attempt to make him more smart than he canonically is, he needlessly outshines his teammates at times. But! I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. He's street smart. It's only logical for him to think outside the box and come up with creative plans that neither Shino nor Hinata would think of.
What I am starting to disagree with are some of the character traits/personal backgrounds assigned to Shino and Hinata. I have this feeling that you unnecessarily went for the "obvious" way when portraying both them. When it comes to Hinata, it's like - of course she has to be physically abused at home, and of course the story needs to adress it. It's a good backstory, solid, it's canon; and it's been used over and over in every other Hinata-centric fic before as a means of giving her a foundation to grow a backbone. At this moment, I'm not really criticizing your decision to include domestic abuse as a part of Hinata's backstory, as instead I'm criticizing the lack of it. Yes, we caught a glimpse of something shady going on in her family, we know that Hiashi is less than proud of her and that Neji is, at thirteen/fourteen, ready to harm Hinata, even permanently. But we all have read dozens of other stories that deal with the same matter, more often than not in the same way. I am still hopeful, however, that Hinata's family background will be looked into a little more, and that her story will be handled well, if not in a new way. You went for believable instead of "original," which is good. Sometimes it truly is. It does not detrimend your writing, since your style is already attention-grabbing and solid as it is.
Nevertheless, while I'm still hoping for the best when it comes to Hinata, I'm more than a little worried about Shino and his character development. For the first few chapters, I was ecstatic, actually. Shino was all that the canon Shino is, minus the robotic and/or Sasuke-ish antics that some authors tend to associate him with.
It wasn't until I finished this very chapter that I was shaken to the point of brushing up on my English and, well, attempting to advocate for the poor boy. Once again, I believe you needlessly took the safe route with him. In order to give Shino some depth, he's now (not unlike Sasuke) riddled with anger issues. Instead of his habit of holding grudges and showing displeasure towards his own deficiencies, which would, in my humble opinion, suffice to create some inner turmoil for him, he seems a different character now. An "obviously" conflicted character, per se. I also predict some rivalry stemming from his sudden infatuation with Hinata. Hinata is generally a little over-glorified in this story, but then again, so is Naruto; no problem in that. Where are Shino's abilities at lately, though? His cold logic, his strategic mind? (He is, after all, tied in intelligence with Sakura.) Where is his personality? His yearning for loyal friends? Why make him instantly jump into romance? He's thirteen, let him chill. :D
While reading Shino's POV in this chapter, I didn't for a second believe it's actually him narrating the part. Not only does he differ from canon!Shino, but his overly emotional inner reactions (or, overreactions) don't correspond with the Shino you portrayed in the first few chapters, either.
Ah, I am criticizing you and I know I have no real right to do so - since you're a good writer and I know I'm not being terribly constructive with my arguments. Once I begun writing, though, everything just poured out. Obviously, the majority of this review are just my opinions and nothing more, however earnest these may be. Please, don't be offended; my intention was to help.
The last thing I'm going to say is that I was simply praying for a non-rival, non-love-triangle story when I started reading. I'm not letting go of my hopes so easily!
Born2BeGodLike chapter 31 . 7/30/2016
started good
very good n hope naruto improves
started to get bad.
did go bad but hope thing to change
u fuck the story up n the ending didnt help
You raise your cute chick into a chikan n then killed it and fried it.
mckertis chapter 1 . 7/25/2016
Uh, 1st chapter barely started and already there's smut and gayness galore. No thanks.
lemon-rind chapter 31 . 7/16/2016
Damn, I did not see this twist coming. Thanks for setting it all up and following through. It was a great read!
demonicKitsune2 chapter 6 . 6/20/2016
I've never seen a Shino/Hinata pairing before, that's a pretty good idea. Also the actual Orochimaru showing up that was unexpected for it to be so soon, I thought you would wait until the Forest of Death first.
demonicKitsune2 chapter 4 . 6/20/2016
If this was a scene in the actual show I don't think Naruto would need to learn how to play poker, he has the Uzumaki luck! Many fan fictions have emphasized this.
Guest chapter 31 . 6/18/2016
Honesly I hate you, you pathetic peice of shit instead of quickly wrapping dog shit for Christmas so off you caneed get a present because this was good at first then rushed and shitted on fuck you and good day
Rinnegan no Ozil chapter 31 . 6/16/2016
This was one hell of an amazing Naruto story. Eagerly awaiting for the sequel.
P.S. Since you'asked' so nicely, I will try my hand at another chapter of one of my fics.
Rinnegan no Ozil chapter 18 . 6/13/2016
That was one badass way to finish that bitch. Damn.
RyuukTheHatter chapter 3 . 6/3/2016
im curious about something... naruto just played of exactly what his jutsu is supposed to do the kagebusion is a infiltration and replacement based jutsu and it specifically states in that anime that it gives its memories back to the original and its others. is this one of your alterations or has it just not registered yet? im only asking do to how much it played into narutos original training and how he developed.
Bochord of Leaspell chapter 31 . 5/21/2016
Holy shit this is way worse than Kanabi Bridge
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